Q: Mention the use of a Ouija board to a paranormal research group these days and you’ll get a lot of head shaking and statements about “opening portals” and “demonic entities.” Mention it to religious fundamentalists and you’ll practically see them shudder and back away on shaky legs, as if the board was created by Satan himself as a means of enslaving human souls. How did the Ouija board and similar “talking boards” get this reputation? A: I think Mr. Hasbro had a lot to do with it. The best way to get teenagers to buy something is to tell…

Dear Frankly, I’ve known this guy for about 4 months and he’s my best friend. We have a lot of things in common and we just seem to click. The problem is my friend who introduced us has liked him for 4 years. He pretty much ignores her now and spends time with me. We keep sneaking around so she won’t see us together. When I told her I liked him she got upset. I want to pursue this relationship. Is there a way to tell her we’re becoming a couple without hurting her feelings? Running Rhonda Dear Running, I…

Sedona Excentric World looks at some ways Americans are adapting in today’s moribund economy. One Cornville, AZ resident was forced to sell his pickup recently to make ends meet. Before departing with his second favorite possession, he offloaded the cab and created a shaded cover for his pets, complete with windows. To secure it for upcoming monsoon winds, he placed his picnic table, which once occupied the area where the doghouse settled, on top of the dogs’ new shelter. As shown in the picture, the picnic table was missing one bench, causing the table to tip over and toss food…

Sedona Excentric World looks at new, creative ways to avoid accidents between cattle and automobiles on Page Springs Road. According to local scuttlebutt, as many as 19 cows have been struck by unsuspecting travelers heading to and from home in Cornville. Arizona law continues to give the right-of-way to the meandering domesticated bovines and holds the drivers, no matter how careful to avoid the large roadway obstacles, completely responsible. In today’s economy, the price of some heads of cattle exceeds the value of the used automobile it was struck with. Some Cornvillians, upset by the unusually high number of car-killed…

As extraordinary as it sounds, Donald J. Trump is now the 45th President of the United States. Which is mind- boggling. Like making John Goodman the cover model for this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Kim Kardashian- appointed chief scientist at the Atomic Energy Lab. Colin Kaepernick in charge of WikiLeaks. The liberals’ last best hopes were dashed on Inauguration Day when the Mango Mussolini put his hand on the Bible and didn’t burst into flames. The preacher said the rain that started to fall as DJT took the oath was a good omen in the Bible. Yeah, tell that…

Sedona Excentric World staff members take a look at the rising cost of fuel on the logging industry in Flagstaff, Arizona. While many Americans have abandoned their standard vehicles for mass transit, smaller fuel-efficient cars, scooters and bicycles, commercial enterprises too have had to resort to alternative modes of transportation. According to a moose salesman in Saskatchewan, Canada, not only has the Canadian dollar soared in value due to the increase in oil prices (Canada is the number 1 importer of fuel oil to the United States, Mexico being second), but their importation of moose and their prices have increased…

Sedona Excentric World staff members take a look at the latest in apartment living. With many homeowners facing foreclosure and with ridiculous bankruptcy laws prohibiting the individual from protecting their hard earned properties, more and more former home owners are forced to seek alternative housing solutions. One Cornville, Arizona resident offered an affordable and aesthetically affable answer. This complex, called the Cornville Condo Cascade, offers comfort in a quiet setting for both senior citizens and single families at an affordable rate. With Sedona still holding meetings to determine the definition of “affordable housing” and how it applies to teachers, seniors,…

When you buy a computer to send email to save on postage. When you count your Bingo losses as church offerings. When you are told your memory bank has been burglarized. When asked about liquid assets, you search the stock in the liquor cabinet. When a prune juice wine cooler is your favorite beverage. When your skull x-rays are mistaken for those of an extinct not-so-great ape. When you check into a motel and suffer motion sickness while reading the Bible on the Magic Fingers vibrating bed. When you go to an All-U-Can-Eat buffet and the hot food is cold…

The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country, but don’t really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country–if they could find the time and if they…

Q: With Halloween just behind us, I started wondering about my house being haunted. It is over 100 years old, so many have come and gone from here. I know some hauntings feature a single phenomenon such as a door slamming shut repeatedly while others consist of different phenomena, ranging from odd noises to full blown apparitions. I read where there are 16 signs a house might be haunted. I also know they include strange animal behavior and unexplained shadows. If both of these occur simultaneously are the chances greater that your house is haunted? A: Sure. Two out of…

Dear Sister, I have told you before, I have this Zulu friend, whose name is Saki, who likes to call himself a Sedona resident, and I myself may be the only man around who actually knows where that residence is. It’s a cave, believe it or not, deep underground among our famous Red Rocks, very handy to the waters of our beautiful Oak Creek. He likes to swim a lot, and takes a thirty-foot dive before he actually hits water, close by an official sign that states: “Dangerous Currents – Do Not Swim Here.” Just a cave? Well, it was…

His dizzy aunt … Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes … Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store … Stop N Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia … U Gogh His magician uncle … Where-diddy Gogh His Mexican cousin …  Amee Gogh The Mexican cousin’s American half-brother … Gring Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach … Wells-far Gogh The constipated uncle … Can’t Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt … Tang Gogh The bird lover uncle … Flamin Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking … Way-to-Gogh The little bouncy nephew … Poe Gogh A sister who loved disco … Go Gogh And…

MENTAL ENVIRONMENT NEWS: Authorities arrested a woman who told people at gas stations and hotels in the Village of Oak Creek, near Sedona, AZ, that they needed to evacuate because a cloud of cyanide gas was approaching from Phoenix. There was no cyanide cloud, and 55-year-old Christine Ann Long of Scottsdale was arrested on charges of disorderly and unreasonable noise. The only cloud turned out to be the fog in the woman’s mind. SUCKING NEWS: A 70-year-old man was charged with grand theft after police watched him siphon off more than 900 gallons of gasoline from underground storage tanks at…

Ahhhhhhhhhhhg! The Sedona City Council is busy with sticky issues. Recently, they voted to reject a number of proposed treats Uptown vendors were preparing for this Halloween’s annual Uptown Trick or Treat Night. The rejected confections include: Black Licorice Street Lamp Blocking Masks Sugar Coated Shilajit Squirrel Turds Organic Alien Fingers Crystal Crunchers Jell-O Beans Petrified Popcorn Puffs Red Licorice Alien Brains Splenda Dipped Juniper Bark Daffy Taffy Slide Rock Ultra Slim Jims Smoked Trout Farm Balls Page Springs Mesquite Logs Road Kill Fritters On A Stick Trail Mix From West Fork Trail Smoked Gristle Stardust Sprinkled Red Rock Succotash…

You are asked to sign a “hold harmless” agreement before Boy Scouts help you cross the street. You pimped-out your golf cart with training wheels. Instead of “air guitar” you show off with “air harp.” You have to quit your arts and crafts class because the glue and paint are making you dizzy. Your idea of Trail Mix is a mixture of soy nuts, Tums, aspirin and dried prunes. You consult your psychic about removing one of your kidneys in hopes that you’ll have to pee less often. Hanging around a vortex seems to make your “senior moment” last for…

Well. That happened. Donald J. Trump didn’t just perplex the pundits, pollsters and his own progeny with a stunning electoral pummeling of Hillary Clinton, he pelted them with showbiz shock and awe. It was a wake- up call that surely rolled Beethoven, who was deaf, and is now dead. The new shot heard round the world. Planet- wide, liberals are slashing wrists and bashing brains and gnashing teeth and curled in a fetal position begging for their blue banky. The city of San Francisco is working through the five stages of grief but it’s going to take a while, because…

HEALTH STUDY NEWS: In the largest study to date on the health effects of napping, researchers tracked 23,681 healthy Greek adults for an average of about six years. Those who napped at least three times weekly for about half an hour had a 37 percent lower risk of dying from heart attacks or other heart problems than those who did not nap. Of course, those found napping while driving ran a far greater risk of dying from an automobile accident. RECORD BREAKING NEWS: More than 6,000 couples kissed simultaneously at midnight one Saturday in the Philippines with organizers of the…

Q: I’ve been seeing a lot of books, magazine articles, television shows and movies about Armageddon, the End of Days and the Mayan Prophesies of December 21, 2012. Even if there is only a major shift in the thinking and spiritual activity of mankind, could all of this cataclysmic gobbledygook paranoia actually cause something horrible to happen? I don’t mean volcanic eruption, earthquakes and floods, but might they manifest manmade disasters like wars, genocide, species extinction and famine? A: Wow! Now I’m totally confused. I was preparing for the Harmonic Convergence. But if the end is coming, I have to do…

Dear Frankly, I love your columns! I am planning to marry the man of my dreams next June. We have been dating for over a year and are sooooo much in love. We want to have a huge outdoor wedding in Sedona. Although his parents are wonderful, I’m a little concerned about the role that they still play in his life…particularly his mother. She still does my fiancé’s laundry, cooks his lunches daily and cleans his house. What do you think? Marching to Marriage Dear Marching, My fifth husband also was a momma’s boy. I suggest you marry him, let…

Q: I found an article that stated there was a shortage of priests who can perform exorcisms and the United States’ Roman Catholic bishops are sponsoring a conference on how to cast out evil. It claimed that only a tiny number of US priests have enough training and knowledge to perform an exorcism with dioceses nationwide relying solely on these clergy who have been overwhelmed with requests to evaluate claims. Are you aware of any exorcisms in the Sedona area? A: Not personally. I’m not sure about demons and evil possessions, but there are some people I would like to…