October 18, 2017

Cornville Anniversary Gifts

Year 1 – Paper…Copy of your pre-nup claiming sheep possession Year 2 – Cotton…A small, wet t-shirt Year 3 – Leather…A loin cloth made with real loin Year 4 – Book…A checkbook balanced by a visiting relative Year 5 – Clock…A printout of her biological clock Year 6 – Iron…A seasoned frying pan Year 7 – Copper…Seven shiny pennies Year 8 – Bronze…A framed picture of you and your sheep Year 9 – Pottery…A cremation urn Year 10 – Tin…Beer cans saved from wedding limo Year 11 – Steel…A box of steel wool you stole Year 12 – Linen…A bag…

CIA Recruiting Remote Viewers

Q: Methods of gathering intelligence include using satellites, intercepting communications and recruiting agents. Now, secret documents have emerged revealing that the British Ministry of Defense ran a covert project to recruit psychics. The term remote viewing was coined in the 1970s by researchers at Stanford University. Their work attracted the attention of US intelligence officials. Any evidence of CIA recruiting remote viewers? A: It’s possible. Everyone knows about the CIA secret camp in Cornville, AZ. Perhaps that’s where Sedona psychics go to retire. Q: Many mystics believe that the entry to the legendary Hyperborea, Shambala and Plutonia is carefully concealed…

Changing the Name of Cornville?

Dear Ed., I’ve heard a nasty rumor that a certain element would like to change the name of Cornville to Santa Fe. Are they confused about where they live? If they want to live in Santa Fe , I suggest they move there. Or we could have a public vote taken, the Cornville way, right out in the open (and not in some sleazy dungeon where people whisper). That should fairly decide where we live. Below is a list of names I’ve imagined. Just circle the one you prefer and mail it to the Excentric. I’m sure they won’t cheat. 1. Santacorn 8. Fesantacorna…

The Legendary El Chupacabra

Q: I read where a Texas family believes the legendary El Chupacabra may be to blame for the death of dozens of chickens on their farm. The Garcia family of Horizon City says they were shocked to see 30 of their animals turn up dead overnight. Sherif’s deputies investigated the incident, but had no explanation on how the animals may have died. Do you think a Chupacabra could have killed their chickens? A: It’s possible. Although, I have recently seen evidence of conditions being so poor at chicken farms that mass suicides may have taken place. Q: A friend told…

The Mystery of Traveling Food

Nothing helps scenery like ham and eggs. –Sam Clemens Way down deep, the blame likely lies with author Barbara Kingsolver, and a confrontational penman named McKibben. At least that’s the one explanation to explain a recent incident regarding the status of “food miles” at Judi’s notable café in West Sedona. The incident in question unfolded when an itinerant guru—once he’d sampled a bite or two— stopped the redoubtable senior staffer, Deb, in her tracks by asking how many “food miles” his TBLT had traveled. “You’re kidding, right?” she half-smiled. “Not,” reflected the itinerant, free lance guru. “You should label your…

You’re in Cornville If…

Your golf cart is street legal and can outpace most cars. You can pay by check or credit card for window washing. Meals-On-Wheels is the name of a pizza delivery business. Your yard is fenced and separated according to species. You have an abundance of unused Tupperware lids because the bottoms are scattered through the house collecting drips. You have to borrow money from a distant relative to shop at the dollar store. Your personal experience qualifies you as a licensed midwife. You have a vast collection of Barbie Dolls without heads. You decorate everything in your yard during all…

Creative Ways to Avoid Accidents

Sedona Excentric World looks at new, creative ways to avoid accidents between cattle and automobiles on Page Springs Road. According to local scuttlebutt, as many as 19 cows have been struck by unsuspecting travelers heading to and from home in Cornville. Arizona law continues to give the right-of-way to the meandering domesticated bovines and holds the drivers, no matter how careful to avoid the large roadway obstacles, completely responsible. In today’s economy, the price of some heads of cattle exceeds the value of the used automobile it was struck with. Some Cornvillians, upset by the unusually high number of car-killed…

Latest in Apartment Living

Sedona Excentric World staff members take a look at the latest in apartment living. With many homeowners facing foreclosure and with ridiculous bankruptcy laws prohibiting the individual from protecting their hard earned properties, more and more former home owners are forced to seek alternative housing solutions. One Cornville, Arizona resident offered an affordable and aesthetically affable answer. This complex, called the Cornville Condo Cascade, offers comfort in a quiet setting for both senior citizens and single families at an affordable rate. With Sedona still holding meetings to determine the definition of “affordable housing” and how it applies to teachers, seniors,…

End of Days and Mayan Prophesies

Q: I’ve been seeing a lot of books, magazine articles, television shows and movies about Armageddon, the End of Days and the Mayan Prophesies of December 21, 2012. Even if there is only a major shift in the thinking and spiritual activity of mankind, could all of this cataclysmic gobbledygook paranoia actually cause something horrible to happen? I don’t mean volcanic eruption, earthquakes and floods, but might they manifest manmade disasters like wars, genocide, species extinction and famine? A: Wow! Now I’m totally confused. I was preparing for the Harmonic Convergence. But if the end is coming, I have to do…

Zorro Mask Unearthed Here

CORNVILLE, AZ. Hero or just a fictional character? For nearly a half a century, masked sword-wielding youngsters have donned the black outfit at Halloween to recreate Zorro, the Hispanic version of England’s Robin Hood. Son of a wealthy rancher, the plain, mild-mannered Don Diego de la Vega would become Zorro (“fox” in Spanish), defender of the weak and oppressed, and young, shapely damsels in distress. The Legend of Zorro began in 1919 when Johnston McCulley, a 36-year-old former police reporter, wrote The Curse Of Capistrano. His story first appeared in the August 9 issue of the pulp magazine, All-Story Weekly….

The Gateway to Cornville

Sedona Excentric World staff members take a look at how the upper crust of Cornville lives. People from this rural area are known around the globe for their devil-may-care lifestyle, fancy-schmancy vehicles and weekly no-tie cocktail parties until the sun comes up or everyone passes out. Now, many Sedonans, disappointed and disillusioned by the once happening, hippy laden, New Age artist retirement colony, are leaving the city in droves to relocate to the land of the unpretentious party animals. “These people simply have not forgotten how to have a good time,” a bartender at the Page Springs Restaurant was overheard…

Divorce … Cornville Style

Sedona Excentric World staff members take a look at Divorce… Cornville Style. This is what the owner of the red Corvette came home to after a weekend of “fishing with the buddies.” As he entered the house, he found a note on the dining table from his wife. In it, she apologized for accidentally hitting the gas peddle instead of the brake on their high-riding 4X4 pickup upon returning from the post office. After crashing through the garage door, the truck proceeded to continue in a forward direction, climbing over the new Corvette before settling with the pickup’s rear wheels…

Toilet Fixture Probe

CRIME NEWS: The crime wave of thieves stealing appliances and fixtures from construction sites and public buildings, which is reaching epidemic proportions, has not spared Sedona. Last month thieves entered the Sedona police station and stole all the toilet fixtures. An intensive probe is underway, but so far, according to chief of police, investigators have nothing to go on. TREATY NEWS: Archrivals, Sedona and Cornville, have signed a non-aggression pact in which Cornville has agreed to give up its uranium enrichment program and Sedona will halt its vortex enhancement program. ENERGY NEWS: Arizona Public Service publishes energy savings tips every month…