June 25, 2017

Horoscopes for June 16-22, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will look for a new job. Don’t quit your day job yet, as there is little demand for an experienced yachtsman who enjoys gambling, whiskey and a good cigar. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This month will find you hanging out with movie stars and the politically elite. In a short period of time, you will be detained for crashing the party uninvited. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will question the quality of your breath this month, as when you talked with someone, they turned away. Later, you will find they…

Horoscopes for June 9-15, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will recall days of rocking on a porch, whittling a stick, humming a tune and trying to hit that spittoon. Funny, you can’t recall starring in Deliverance. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will have a recurring nightmare of being reincarnated as a chihuahua, running in a parking lot with a taco in your mouth, being chased by a giant bell. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will try to get into the dating scene after a long hiatus. While coffee shops are the new, hip places to hang, watch out for…

Horoscopes for June 2-8, 2013

ARIES (April 21 – April 19) You’ll put a strong emphasis on love and affection, and you won’t be afraid to be demonstrative. Just remember, some demonstrations are illegal in public. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Venus and Mars are alright tonight. It has nothing to do with Taurus in June. I was listening to McCartney and Wings when I was writing these forecasts. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month, you will decide to join one of those online dating groups. When you receive the results, you will be puzzled to learn the only match was yourself. CANCER…

Horoscopes for May 26-June 1, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month is a good month to get noticed, so get out there and take charge. But first, check off your list – hair, teeth, clothes, shoes, signs, tea bags, tax refund. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You could find yourself in the center of the spotlight in May and all eyes focused on you to see what you are going to do next. My suggestion? Zip up and smile. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) May is a good time to reflect on things you might have done and may have accomplished had…

Horoscopes for May 12-18, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will join the NRA as a lifetime member. Like Mitt Romney, you’ll boast of hunting small game – like squirrels, with a humane trap and peanut buttered bread. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This month will find you able to see people’s auras. Because of the unseasonable heat wave, everyone’s auras will read red, with little beads of sweat mixed in. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will be tempted once again to run away and join the circus as a short, overweight, fire-eating accountant. Sadly there are still no openings for…

Horoscopes for May 5-11, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will accept that it is time for you to lose your virginity. You won’t want anyone to know, so you’ll hire a professional. They’ll tell you “Not on the first date.” TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) A Chinese fortune cookie helps you realize that “If you have more friends than money, you are never poor.” Especially if you only spend their money. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will be convinced by an acquaintance of yours to invest in what you think is Egyptian antiquities. Later, you’ll learn it is no more…

Horoscopes for April 28-May 4, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) April/May is a good time for a career change. CEO of any business should guarantee a huge salary, bonus, perks and put you in a cushy off-shore tax bracket. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will discover you have an affinity for small, furry things. Due to your extreme display of affection, it would be best to start out with inanimate objects. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will run into someone from your distant past. After they fully recover from their injuries and pay their hospital bills, you can try to catch…

Xtra Special Horoscopes for April 21-28, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This month, you are able to do a million things at once. While that truly is a very rare skill, indeed, there is no indication you will perform any of these tasks well. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You are fun. You are bright. You are fun and bright. You are quick. You are enthusiastic. You are quick and enthusiastic. You are confused. You are Aquarius. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This is a good time to figure out who you are by putting yourself in new situations and see how you…

Horoscopes for April 14-20, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) April showers bring May flowers, but in your case April will also bring long mental lapses, during which things will occur that you can deny any memory of. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This is a good time to show everyone how to celebrate Easter. Place the eggs in plain sight to avoid children on spring break picking up any bunny droppings. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month you will decide to change careers. Of course, some may not consider volunteering to walk the Humane Society of Sedona dogs a career. CANCER…

Horoscopes for April 7-13, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will have unwanted guests this month that just refuse to go away. Only as an absolute last resort should you secretly rub them down with Preparation H. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This would be a good month to pursue your musical dreams. After guitar, drums, keyboards and sax, you’ll find your hidden talent for mastering the concertina. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Out with the old and in with the new. That will be your mantra this month as all of your old friends leave you in the lurch for trying…

Horoscopes for March 31-April 6, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, you will consider voluntarily seeking professional mental therapy. After some serious thought, an invisible giant rabbit convinces you otherwise. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll have a bad time with friends and relatives after getting a fortune cookie that you thought said “you’re rude today” and you mistreat everyone for 24 hours. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will need to avoid the sun, especially with this global climate change thing. You will overhear some people talking as you walk by, calling you an old raisin. CANCER (June 21 – July…

Horoscopes for March 17-23, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) A revelation about energy will come to you this month after you keep pressing harder and harder on the remote control when the batteries are getting weak. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll buy a new pair of jeans and tennis shoes to go bungee jumping. Later you’ll discover that was like Kamikaze pilots wearing helmets before their big day. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will have a sudden urge to drive to Surprise, Arizona this month. Once you arrive, you’ll find there is absolutely nothing there to do. Surprise! CANCER (June…

Horoscopes for March 10-16, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) March is a good month for you to buy binoculars and join the Audubon Society. It will also be a good month to invest in some new headgear and lens cleaner. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Pay attention to your surroundings this month and learn more about yourself. If small animals are scattering when you pass, your cologne may be a bit strong. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month you will get yourself out of a jam and find you are well preserved. It’s dealing with jelly that will cause you serious…

Horoscopes for March 3-9, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You won’t be able to shake the phrase “Don’t put that in your moth, you don’t know where it’s been.” You will be diagnosed with a new, rare form of anorexia. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You won’t be able to sleep, fearing the Ides of March. Because of your insomnia, you’ll screw up at work and lose your job, oh, right around the 15th or so. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will meet a person this month that gives you a strong feeling of deja vu. It will turn out that…

Horoscopes for February 24-March 1, 2013

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This month, you’ll discover you may be too structured and rigid to let go and find pleasure in romance. Try some good Tequila, chocolate and a Barry White CD. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You may experience tension with family members, particularly a parent. In hind sight, perhaps moving back home at age 40 wasn’t such a good idea after all. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) In February, you can expect to feel confidence, optimism, and an increase in energy and vitality. It’s okay, it will all go away soon and life…

Horoscopes for the Weak February 17-23, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) A Valentine’s Full Moon in Leo shines on the Fifth House of romance and heats up the retrograde Mars. The Fourth House will freak and all Hell breaks loose. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) A Saturn challenge to Pluto could really mess things up in February. It will be up to you to secure a Donkey Kong victory for Pluto, even if it no longer is a planet. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Emphasis shifts from your Eighth House to your Ninth this week. You should feel lighter and happier. Evidently, there’s less…

Horoscopes for February 10-16, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) A Valentine’s Full Moon in Leo shines on the Fifth House of romance and heats up the retrograde Mars. The Fourth House will freak and all Hell breaks loose. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) A Saturn challenge to Pluto could really mess things up in February. It will be up to you to secure a Donkey Kong victory for Pluto, even if it no longer is a planet. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Emphasis shifts from your Eighth House to your Ninth this week. You should feel lighter and happier. Evidently, there’s less…

Horoscopes for February 3-9, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month you’ll express your love for a musical instrument. Unfortunately, for friends and neighbors, your choice of instrument is the Diatonic button accordion. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will be pleasantly surprised when you buy a Babushka doll at a garage sale, and later discover another doll inside, and another and another and another. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will suffer a fit of extreme paranoia in the dentist’s chair after realizing you wore different colored socks. Your dentist is laughing at you under that mask. CANCER (June 21 –…

Horoscopes for January 27-February 2, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will try to continue passing the holiday spirit along by whistling carols. Joy will come to an abrupt stop when friends and co-workers Super Glue your lips. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will be approached by the authorities soon for assault with intent to cause internal harm after relatives report you for re-gifting those nasty old fruitcakes. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will emerge from a life-long doubt about the existence of Santa Claus this month. You still didn’t receive any gifts, but your roof is covered in reindeer poop….

Horoscopes for January 20-26, 2013

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Your New Year’s resolution will be easy to fulfill. You will increase your wealth by raising the value of your trucks. Filling them with gas should do the trick. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will try in vain to get a date with a person in uniform that is totally out of your league. It turns out that they bowl on a different night than your team. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This year you will have those tattoos removed, take out the safety pins, fill all your piercing holes and let…