April 24, 2017

  • COVEY OF CAUCUSES…by Will Durst

    During the Trump Care Meltdown, when the same Republicans that chanted “Repeal & Replace” for 7 years, folded like a broken down lawn chair in a category 5 hurricane, we learned about a couple mysterious Republican Congressional Caucuses instrumental in torpedoing the AHCA. These two groups come from such opposite sides of the political spectrum they undoubtedly have dartboards with each other’s pictures tacked to the middle. The Freedom Caucus is made up of members that formerly self- identified as Tea Partiers but changed their name to interact with civilized people. Of course we’re referring to those unsung heroes of…

  • No News From Doodlebug Island…by William F Jordan

    In an uneasy truce with cowboy poets of Sedona, I had rather deliberately withheld editorial comments, especially those of a derogatory nature, believing that while no castigation was undeserved there was the slim possibility these folks would either tire of their efforts or pass from the scene entirely. Indeed, the latter appeared possible until one of their number, Spade Hannigan, got himself run over by a logging truck while driving a small herd from one Doodlebug pasture to another. Then, as the expression goes, all hell broke loose. While, the ensuing outpouring of range sentimentality made possible by memories of…

  • It Takes a Village

    Alright, I get it. You don’t like the idea that I put my dog in a mail box and shipped him of to live with a Caribbean witch doctor. No more letters. Please. However, for the sake of full disclosure, it wasn’t my idea. For those of you, who missed last month’s article, let me fill you in. Back in February, I came home one dismal afternoon and found my 90 pound pooch, Jethro, squoze tightly into my mail box. After I had successfully extracted, I noticed he had postage stamps stuck to his forehead and the address of a…

  • What Goes Up . . .

    Clarence Johanson didn’t mean to start a fire in Doodlebug Island’s back country, and he certainly didn’t plan on a $28,000 bill from the Forest Service for suppressing that fire; and most of all, he didn’t mean to upset and alienate his wife, Sally. But he did all three things through the simple means of acquiring the hot air balloon he’d coveted. Sally had insisted that Doodlebug Island was a poor place from which to launch or land a balloon, but Clarence was listening to the siren voice that spoke of limitless views and of wind-borne pleasure. He fancied himself…

  • Budgetary Fears Overblown

    Money is like an arm or leg. Use it or lose it. —Henry Ford To hear city leaders tell it, Sedona is in for some rough financial weather what with perpetually tatterdemalion road construction, high-ceilinged gasoline prices that could scare away Tourons, not to mention store closures due to scandalously high rents and national and international chains gobbling up local shops and stores. What’s clearly needed is a major endeavor to support and sustain local businesses—for openers; meantime, we need fewer people who contend that what’s needed is thinking out of the box. What box? What if the box is…

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COVEY OF CAUCUSES…by Will Durst

Apr 23, 2017

During the Trump Care Meltdown, when the same Republicans that chanted “Repeal & Replace” for 7 years, folded like a broken down lawn chair in a category 5 hurricane, we learned about a couple mysterious Republican Congressional Caucuses instrumental in torpedoing the AHCA. These two groups come from such opposite sides of the political spectrum they undoubtedly have dartboards with each other’s pictures tacked to the middle. The Freedom Caucus is made up of members that formerly self- identified as Tea Partiers but changed their name to interact with civilized people. Of course we’re referring to those unsung heroes of…

BROKEN NEWS…by Will Durst

Apr 23, 2017

Supposedly, the Chinese or the Arabs or the Scientologists or one of those ancient inscrutable cultures, has a saying that goes “May you live in interesting times.” It is generally considered to be a curse. And America right now is living in the most interesting of times. It’s breathtaking how thrilling and frenetic the news has gotten. Every single day. Almost too exciting. Starting to look like one of those pre-opening credits sequences of a science- fiction movie that takes place in the ruins of a dystopian civilization. “And Then All Hell Broke Loose.” It’s not just we news junkies;…

Yachting Along the Verde River

Mar 27, 2017

Sedona Excentric World looks at the recent surge in yachting along the Verde River. The Verde has many narrow twists and turns and suffers from low levels during droughts. Currently, the weather Northern Arizona is experiencing has left many sections of the river unnavigable. To prevent property loss and possible personal injury, a local yacht maker, Cornville Cruisers, has designed a new luxury liner to please even the most discriminating boater. Pictured left is a prototype of what is expected to be crowding rivers across America and yes, the world, in decades to come. A vessel navigating at Mark Twain…

Snow and Sun Storing

Mar 27, 2017

CLIMATE CHANGE NEWS: Russia is storing winter snow in preparation for a dry, warm 2014. The host of the 2014 Winter Olympic Games, Sochi, Russia is preparing for a just-in-case scenario, a project costing more than $11 million. Winter games are dependent upon a lot of packed snow. Their wee-wee may contain too much vodka to make fake snow. The alarm has gone off and now Brazil, the host of the 2016 Summer Olympic Games, is rumored to be storing sunlight. STILL MORE UFO NEWS: In a recently released memo, the FBI has admitted that Herbert Hoover did order his…

Odd Couples

Mar 22, 2017

The Sedona Excentric World investigative team takes a look at odd couples, what with a divided country lead by a highly divided Congress while representing separations within one party. Perhaps the reason previous  congressional representatives seemingly got along, at least enough not to purposely damage the country, was that they knew each other socially. There were times when proposed legislation was not representative of the principles of one party or the other, but with meetings between leaders of each party a compromise could be made for the good of the country and patriotism. The general public never knew about the…

Nose Job

Mar 22, 2017

The other day I shaved my nose Without a second thought. And, now, I find my life has changed!— In fact, it’s changed a lot! While staring in the mirror I saw Some peach fuzz on my snout, And, so, I took my razor and I scraped it down and out! A few days passed, and once again, While studying my schnoz, I saw ferocious fuzziness, Like on a rabbit’s paws! Two weeks have come and gone and now My nose is cloaked in fur!— An unintended consequence, A pelt I can’t deter! I’m thinking now of changing jobs To…

Effects of a Winter Heavy with Precipitation

Mar 22, 2017

Sedona Excentric World staff members look at the effects of a winter heavy with precipitation. Trees and shrubs quenched their thirsts by springtime and the country was lush and green without envy. As amazing as it was to see the deserts of Phoenix dotted with verdant foliage, our staff was drawn to not only the enormity of this shrubbery and this peculiar use of ladders, but the signs displaying the fuel costs with zeros. One has to wonder if, once the bushes are trimmed to reveal the service station, the owners might raise their prices, especially with an influx of…

Here’s to You . . .

Mar 22, 2017

In April, Excentric staff members take a look at the problem of binge drinking. It is widely accepted among medical professionals that a glass of red wine each night can actually be good for the body. This woman seems to have found a way to follow her doctor’s recommendation and still reach a place of comfort she has become accustomed to. Glass blowers everywhere are hurrying to satisfy the rapidly growing demand.   Related posts: It All Starts Over a Glass of Wine Blind and in the Dark Grapes and the Grill . . . by Joel Mann, Staff Wine…

Typical Excentric Reader George Buchanan

Mar 22, 2017

This month’s typical Excentric Reader is George Buchanan of Dover, DE shown here with whom he refers to as “two fine ladies”–his wife, Peg, on one arm and their neighbor, Eileen, on the other. Judging solely by his arms, we believe Peg is to his left. All were standing outside of Sambo’s Tavern on the Delaware shore reading their favorite publication. We couldn’t help but notice the age restriction posted at the entrance. We certainly hope each of them were carrying identification, just in case they were carded. Related posts: Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader

Heavy Petting Fine

Mar 22, 2017

PET POSING NEWS: A Florida man posted photos on Facebook showing himself hugging a baby manatee and was arrested on charges of harassing the endangered sea cow, wildlife officials said. A tipster saw the photos, alerting Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, which arrested a man on a misdemeanor charge punishable by up to six months in jail and a $500 fine. Dogs and cats everywhere, feeling a little endangered, are turning on their owners for heavy petting and the possible reward money. FOWL INVASION NEWS: Blackbirds and starlings have turned day to night in Hopkinsville, Kentucky. Simply put, their…

A Look into the Future: Highway Safety

Mar 22, 2017

Excentric World staff members look at the safety on America’s highways. Many states have rescinded annual state inspections requiring cars be safe before being allowed on state roads. Some say the revenue would bail out most states while making the roads safer. Mirrors may have helped this driver.   Related posts: An Excentric Look Into The Future Excentric Look into The Future Back To the Future, Part I An Excentirc Look Into The Future

Lesser Known March Holidays

Mar 22, 2017

March 26th is Make Up Your Own Holiday Day. March 1 . . . National Pig Day & Peanut Butter Lover’s Day March 2 . . . Old Stuff Day March 3 . . . I Want You To Be Happy Day, Peach Blossom Day and National Anthem Day March 4 . . . Holy Experiment Day March 5 . . . Multiple Personalities Day March 6 . . . National Frozen Food Day March 7 . . . National Crown Roast Of Pork Day March 8 . . . Be Nasty Day March 9 . . . Panic Day…

Popcorn Drip

Mar 22, 2017

by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland I went to see a movie at A Phoenix metroplex And found I am a dinosaur!— A “Cinesaurus  rex!” The first thing was the squishy seats!— Recliners with foot rests!— With infinite positions to Anesthetize the guests! The next thing was the menu with Martinis and Chablis, Roast suckling pig and quiche Lorraine And oven roasted brie! And, finally, the table that Swung underneath my chin! I wondered,  “Is this hospice with A movie screen and gin?” The waitress came to welcome me Installing the IV! “It’s liquid popcorn, sir,” she said. “With Medicare, it’s free!”…

The Trumpish Cabinet…by Will Durst

Feb 20, 2017

In typical liberal fashion, the mean weenie left has called Donald Trump’s cabinet horrible things. “Corrupt nitwits.” “Career criminals.” “Greedy thugs.” “Clueless dunces.” “Bad dancers.” But no one accuses them of being poor. Depending on whether you believe Bloomberg or the Wall Street Journal, the administration’s brain trust will be worth between 8 and 16 billion dollars. Trump’s not just going to drain the swamp, he’s going to subdivide it. Yes, he railed against Goldman- Sachs during the campaign, but a Commander- in- Chief knows the importance of expert money management, and The Donald has chosen a slew of people…

Sedona Queries

Feb 20, 2017

If Coffeepot Rock sees its shadow, do we have to switch from mocha lattes to iced cappuccinos? Can I use my Red Rock Pass to park anywhere and what if someone is in my space? If there is a Snoopy Rock, why isn’t there a Charlie Brown Rock and Lucy Rock? Who made Snoopy Rock, anyway? Where do all the people who work at A Day In The West go at night? Does everyone who lives in Cornville have to grow corn? Where is the mountain with the Indian Presidents’ faces on it? How come every time I visit a…

You May Teach In Sedona If…

Feb 20, 2017

You request the staff room be equipped with a valium salt lick. You want to slap people you overhear saying, “It must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers off.” You believe chocolate is a food group. You want a “Shallow Gene Pool” box added to report cards, but realize as far as you’ll get is “Not Quite As Gifted As Others.” All personal life between August and June is a blur. You think calling you by your first name should be reserved for adults only, if that’s okay with the kids and their parents. You have…

Intelligent Life on Jupiter?

Feb 20, 2017

Q: I read about a new robotic submarine being developed by NASA to explore the oceans of one of Jupiter’s moons. This submarine is on test at the moment in a lake in Texas. Finding life elsewhere in the solar system would be a vital bolster to the Panspermia theory, the theory that intelligent life came from another planet or solar system. Do you think they’ll find intelligent life on Jupiter? A: Who knows? I’m amazed they found intelligent life in Texas. Q: My brother told me about a man who was contracted by the Department of Natural Resources to…

Copper

Feb 20, 2017

Sedona! Amusing things can happen here; never, ever doubt it! Like this one occasion here– Let me tell you all about it: T’other day, for heaven’s sake, I got myself arrested– Yep, that’s a fact that’s been quite well tested. I was approached by this large and very beefy cop Who claimed I’d ignored his signal for me to stop. I got the impression he thought I’d been drinking, With no reason at all for that kind of thinking. But a real drunk who’d just come out from a nearby bar Drove off– and hit that corpulent cop’s own car!…

Love for Valentines

Feb 20, 2017

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. “Never sign a valentine with your own name.” — Charles Dickens “‘The whole world loves a lover’ is an interesting theory, but a very bad legal defense.” — Keith Sullivan “Platonic love is like an inactive volcano.” — Andre Pevost “I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate–but looking for her is much…

Press Releases

Feb 20, 2017

Valentine’s Day: Healing your Heart Art Workshop: Wednesday, February 13th, from 6pm 7:30pm at Verde Valley Community Hospice, 859 Cove parkway#103, Cottonwood, AZ 86326. For more information: 928-592-2992. Free admission. This event is open for those who lost a loved one. You may bring a picture of your loved one when attending this art workshop. You are not alone on this journey because we are here for you! Come meet with others who also share the same experience and create your own peer support! Vittles, Vines & Valentines Special: Feb 13 thru 16. Looking to surprise your sweetheart with something…

That Really Bunches My Panties

That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks

As winter slides into the background and the weather improves, many people plan camping trips, to which I say, “To each his own,” but it’s not likely that you’ll run into me in the woods. In the first place, I find it puzzling that the same person who complains about getting down on his hands and knees to retrieve the newspaper out from under a bush will leave the warmth and comfort of a nice bed to go lay in the dirt (regardless of how good the air smells). I suspect that the author of that “Princess and the Pea”…

The C C & R’s

Many of us live in complexes or communities that are governed by a thin layer of bureaucracy referred to as a homeowners association.  Most associations use a set of rules and regulations as a guideline for making decisions about our everyday lives. These rules are called “The C C & R’s.” According to the board of directors this stands for Covenants, Conditions & Restrictions, but I found out it really means Convoluted, Confusing & Really stupid. I will go over a few of the rules we live by and the real reasons for having them. Some of these rules may…

From The Bottom…by Brendon Marks

Someone said to me the other day, “Thank you from the bottom of my heart.” I said, “You’re welcome, but what does that mean?” “What does what mean? The bottom of your heart.” “You know, it’s like thanks a lot, I really mean it.” “Well, what if someone says ‘Thank you from the top of my heart.’ Is that better or worse?” “But people don’t say that.” “I know, but what if they did? Now to me, bottom has a negative connotation. People don’t say ‘Bottom of the morning to you.’ Showing your bottom to moon someone is an insult,…

Transplants . . . by Brendon Marks

In the days before GPS systems in cars and smartphones with Google maps, I was putting gas in my car in McGuireville and another car pulled up on the opposite side of the pump. The driver didn’t need gas, just directions. He said, “We just came from Sedona, can you tell me how to get to Cottonwood?” I really didn’t want to stop pumping gas because I was afraid the price would go up before I finished, but I took a chance. I said, “Sure, are you coming back this way?” He said, “Why?” I said, “Well, I was going…

Growing A Winter Coat, by Brendon Marks

Most women will only admit men are superior in three areas: opening jars, killing bugs, and producing methane. But there is one area where men truly have no equal. That is pogonotrophy. This is not a horrible misspelling of pornography; pogonotrophy means ‘the growing of a beard.’ I know that there are many women who can mount a serious challenge in the mustache department or a hairy old mole, but I’m talking about a real beard. The average man will grow twenty-seven feet of hair out of his face during his lifetime. I’m not sure how they determined that. Can…

That Was My Idea!…by Brendon Marks

Jeff Hostetler was in town the other day. I saw him at a fast food restaurant. Jeff is a professional football quarterback. I don’t know which team he plays for now, I lost interest in his career when he abandoned the New York Giants. The shirt he was wearing was black and silver and had some sort of pirate theme. He looked very different without his uniform. Those guys are so covered up even their own mothers wouldn’t recognize them. Not like basketball players who run around virtually naked. I pointed him out to my dining companion who snorted, “That’s…

What Was The Question…by Brendon Marks

As a friend was helping move a dresser the other day, I asked him, “Can you handle that end OK?” He replied, “Is the Pope catholic?” I wasn’t sure what that had to do with anything, but it reminded me of several other questions of the same type, such as: Is the Pope Polish? Does a duck have lips? Does a bear sleep in the woods? These are serious questions that deserve answers; I decided to get those answers. Initially I had trouble researching the two questions concerning the Pope. Obtaining information about the current pope was easy, but none…

Buying A New Car . . . by Brendon marks

New car dealers spend a lot of money on advertising. I used to think many of the ideas were pretty silly, but I always knew that no matter how silly the idea was, next week there would be one to top it. I didn’t believe these silly ideas would have any impact upon who would buy which car or when, until a friend told me that he was going to buy a new car. “What kind?” I asked. “It really doesn’t matter,” he said, “There’s a dealership down the street that has a giant inflated football helmet out front. That’s…