January 26, 2015

  • Food - Sparkling Red Wine

    The Andalusian Horse . . . by Joel Mann, Staff Wine (And Beer) Tasting Guy

    The image that comes to mind for many Americans when you say Madeira, Marsala, or Sherry is a bottle of cheap, sweet wine tucked away in a corner of the liquor department that you buy for occasional use when mushrooms, chicken, or some other such food needs a sauce or marinade. Each of these wines though is a distinct beverage with a traditional home. Each has a pedigree from the everyday to the elegant premium. The wine I want to examine this month is Sherry, a fortified beverage from Andalusian Spain. The word Sherry is actually the anglicized version of…

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    No News from Doodlebug Island . . . by William F. Jordan

    Those of us who edit newspapers in the Sedona area meet several times each year, not so much to form editorial bonds as to reassure ourselves that what we’re doing is important to a free and democratic society, and that journalistic triage is available should the wounds of battle prove amenable. Naturally, there is an abundance of kidding. At the last meeting, for example, someone brought up the question of complaints, saying his reason for doing so was to laud the manner in which Charlie Huffington, editor of the Sedona Whisper, deals with them. Now, complaints are the bane of…

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    Typical Excentric Reader…

    This month’s typical Excentric Readers are, from left to right, Nancy Welbaum, Amy Gray and Rita Rusch (The Party Sisters), with cousins Joellen and T.C. Brown. They are shown reading copies of their favorite paper, namely the Sedona Excentric, while working at this year’s Festival of the Superstitions in Apache Junction, AZ. Judging by the way each is posed with their copy, T.C. seems to be the most literate among them, as he realizes that with satire, you must read between the lines. Thanks, Rita. Related posts: Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader Excentric Reader Rita Rusch Typical Excentric Reader

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    Bombarded By Junk . . . By Bishop, Excentric Dumpster Devil

    We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves —-Goethe All sorts of records are being set these days in sports, in finance, and for endless flatulent political bum fog. However, one record being set this year, as Christmas fades into memories is nothing to be amused at. Each of us will have received almost 560 pieces of junk mail out of 38 billion sent, and an average of 54 catalogues out of 14 billion mailed (an average of 54 per American) and 38 billion pieces of junk mail, and I bet you even receive more! Altogether, that’s 4.5 million tons of…

  • kentuckyguyjanuary2015

    So, You Know Your Nuts? . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

    Well, they’re finally gone! It took three days of round-the-clock work, two front-end loaders and numerous dump truck loads to get rid of the stupid things! What, you might ask, did I get rid of? Nutshells. That’s right – nutshells. You see, around the holidays, my wife gets a bit nutty. She comes home from the store with huge bags of walnuts, Brazil nuts, filberts, pecans, and almonds. She sets up her “nutting” area with the precision of a surgical nurse laying out instruments for a brain transplant – main nutcracker here, secondary nutcrackers there, nut picks over here, the…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

Jan 5, 2015

GOING POSTAL NEWS: Police say a man and a woman were going through mailboxes around the town of Sammamish, WA. Townspeople saw the thieve’s vehicle filled with mail and blocked the road. The couple ran. The woman was caught immediately, them stealing a kayak to make his escape in a pond. A neighbor grabbed his own kayak and paddled after the thief, who was up the pond without a paddle and rowing with his hands.   MONKEY BUSINESS NEWS: An injured monkey had fallen between the tracks, after touching high-tension wires at the train station in the north Indian city…

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Curmudgeon Corner…

Jan 5, 2015

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner.   This month’s subject: REALITY “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” Albert Einstein “Reality is a question of perspective; the further you get from the past, the more concrete and plausible it seems—but as you approach the present, it inevitably seems incredible.” Salman Rushdie “It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to…

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Another Big Picture…

Jan 5, 2015

The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at the ramifications of the recent legalization of growing pot in some states of the United States and some isolated cities around the world. Not impressed by the news, this group of pot growers has been gathering in their courtyard as long as they can remember. While they have yet to dry and smoke any of their many horticultural products, they all seem suspiciously mellow. Perhaps the pot plants they grow emit a euphoric pheromone causing one to be naturally laid back, but this group of growers can sit and stare at…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

Jan 5, 2015

A STRETCH The evolution scientists Are tracking a new trend: Our arms, for eons quite unchanged, Have started to extend! The evolutionary leap Began ten years ago– Has escalated ever since, Producing cries of woe From manufacturers of shirts And sweaters, coats and stuff, Who say the sleeves of last year’s clothes Are never long enough! This puzzling phenomenon Caused scientists great pain Until I stepped into the light,Quite eager to explain: Our butts have grown much broader with Each smart phone upgrade bought, Requiring longer arms to take That wider selfie shot! Related posts: Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of…

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Kozmik Korner by Lush Gumball

Jan 5, 2015

Q: I’ve been reading story after story of people who claim to be visited by one dead relative or another around Christmas. Some have seen them sitting in armchairs, some heard angelic singing, others just felt their presence, and still others got mysterious phone calls. Charles Dickens set the stage for spiritual visitation with “A Christmas Carol.” Scrooge was visited by ghosts of Christmas past, present and future, but none were related to him. Is Christmas the most popular time of ghostly visitations? A: It would seem it is if your name is Ebenezer Scrooge.   Q: I found an…

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Big Picture Page

Jan 5, 2015

It’s deja-vu all over again. History has a way of repeating itself. Take the recent case of a raving lunatic tyrant in North Korea losing it over a satirical movie, “The Interview,” with a plot of assassination. Sure, Sony could have used a fictitious character from a fictitious land, but even with their poor taste in judgement, the target of their cinematic event should maintain the sense of humor. Once, long ago, a chap named Charlie Chaplin wrote, starred in, scored produced and directed called “The Great Dictator.” Before its release and before Germany and Britain were at war, the…

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Let It Snow . . .

Jan 5, 2015

Winter brings the beauty of snow in many parts of the country. Some people deal with it better than others. While it makes traveling challenging, it brings out the kid in all of us. Fond memories on building snow caves and forts for snowball fights, sledding, skiing, sledding and horse drawn sleighs and making snow angels with our arms and legs. Children everywhere still hope for enough snow to close the schools. Many adults have a different take on the white, wet wonder. Faced with having to drive to work or shovel the driveway and sidewalks to avoid taking a…

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An Excentric Look into The Future . . .

Jan 5, 2015

In February, our staff takes a look at odd Valentine’s Day rituals in the deep south of the United States. A couple exchanges their vows in swamp land, the bride carrying a small bouquet of Spanish moss, the groom in his finest chapeau. As one can easily discern from the photograph, everyone on the groom’s side of the family came dressed for the occasion. The gown? Louis Gator. Related posts: An Excentric Look Into The Future . . . An Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future Excentric Look Into The Future…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

Dec 10, 2014

GIVING THANKS NEWS: Police say a Pennsylvania woman chased her boyfriend around a dining room and stabbed him in the chest because he started eating Thanksgiving dinner while she slept off a bender. The boyfriend say she had too much to drink and fell asleep, so he helped himself to dinner while she slept. She stabbed him and threw the knife at him, cutting his face. This year, he was thankful his wounds were not life threatening. SHELL GAME NEWS: State crews in Indiana have put up “Turtle Crossing” signs along a busy road running beside a wildlife area in…

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Curmudgeon Corner . . .

Dec 10, 2014

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: HOLIDAYS “Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.” Erma Bombeck “On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf’s lot to remain merry in the face of torment and…

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Thrill Seeking Big Picture

Dec 10, 2014

The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at thrill seekers and the risks they are willing to take to get that rush. This spirited diver took to the seas to encounter great white sharks up close and personal. Some adrenaline junkies take to tall buildings and leap to the streets below with small parachutes. Others dive off cliffs with wing-like suits and soar like birds in the drafts. There are bungee jumpers, sky divers, and more. While it would appear most extreme excursions involve the sky, the man pictured here is among the few that delve into the deep…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

Dec 9, 2014

FORGIVENESS I found myself once scoffing at The efforts of a fool Whose awkward failures made me feel Superior and cool. But, as I grew much older I Could see another view: That those more competent than I Saw me without a clue! And, yet, we each were only what We were, and nothing more; We’re stuck with that and even though We’d really like to soar Above the cruel reality Of our quite finite selves, No matter if we’re giants or Just Lilliputian elves, We’re set down in an axiom– Forgiveness at its core: We each just do the…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Dec 9, 2014

Q: I read a story about a guy who observed alien aircraft in the skies multiple times. On the third occasion he experienced a feeling of being paralyzed while in bed. He was awake, but could only move his eyes. Then he felt something being placed on his stomach area. Is it possible he had some kind of alien implant placed into his navel? Maybe it was like a tracking device similar to the ones used in The Matrix. Have you heard of this before? A: Usually, when people start making cinema references, I lean toward their story being influenced…

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Big Christams Picture

Dec 9, 2014

The Sedona Excentric takes a big picture look at what happens to people who get those hand knitted Christmas vests and sweaters. While Great Aunts and Grandmothers may think they are adorable, these people are marred psychologically for the remainder of their lives. Take this nice young man, for instance. He was the victim of receiving knitted and crocheted vests and sweaters for years. His parents would parade him around on display at holiday gatherings in front of relatives and neighbors. Everyone made such a fuss over him, he thought he was quite the attraction. Now, all grown up, though…

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AUNT EDNA’S BEST RUM COOKIES EVER!

Dec 9, 2014

The Excentric continues its tradition of publishing Aunt Edna’s Best Rum Cookies Ever! She originally submitted this recipe in 1991. For years it has been written in near its original form. Here’s what you’ll need: 1 or 2 quarts Rum 1 stick butter 1 cup sugar 2 large eggs ¼ cup brown sugar 1 cup dried fruit ¼ cup chopped nuts 1 tsp baking powder 1 tsp baking soda 1 tsp lemon juice Before you start, sample the Rum to check for quality. Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring spoons and cup, mixer and un-greased baking sheet,…

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Holiday of Guilt . . . by Will Durst, Excentric Contributor

Dec 9, 2014

The autumn dark is lengthening, which harkens the English- speaking, Judeo- Christian Holiday Season is about to split open wider than a crocodile mouth at the bottom of a baby duckling water slide. It begins with Columbus Day. No mail and the banks are closed. Much is to be said for starting slow. Then the downward hurtle is set off by Halloween, when people toss about candy, free, incognito. Fast forward to the favorite holiday of liberals all over California. The eagerly awaited, down- home, secular celebration, known for bringing families together every November. The one day a year dedicated…

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Watch Your Step . . .

Dec 9, 2014

Even while more than 90% of environmental scientists agree that, with proper regulation and increased use of renewable energy, the current negative impact may be reversed with time, there are politicians that would rather let Americans breathe, eat and drink unsafe air, food and water than force those responsible to clean up their mess. Somebody, eventually has to put their foot down and take the higher moral ground. If not, future generations may find themselves chewing air, growing their own food and bathing in bottled water. Wait, the current generation is already growing their own food and bathing in bottled…

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An Excentric Look Into The Future

Dec 9, 2014

In January, our staff takes a look at carnivals and fares cropping up around the country. Following on the heels of last month’s revealing Excentric headline, involving Six Flags, January exposes the dangers fast rides pose to the public. In an exclusive expose, roller coasters and Ferris wheels prove to be the most dangerous, especially when they powered by local boneheads. Related posts: An Excentric Look Into The Future Emergency Wine . . . Excentric Look into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

Nov 8, 2014

HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH NEWS: A bank robber who stopped during his escape to bum a cigarette off a construction worker has been sentenced to 10 years in prison by a federal judge in Pittsburgh. The man’s attorney argued his client has had a life-long problem with alcohol and should get a shorter term. The man’s addictions seem to have caught up with him. smoking really can be hazardous to your health – and freedom. ILL GOTTEN BOOTY NEWS: A man from Swansea, Wales, was accused of stealing more than 40,000 pounds ($64,000) from the bank account of an elderly…

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Curmudgeon Corner . . .

Nov 8, 2014

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: TRAVEL “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts.” Mark Twain “The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.” Saint Augustine “To get away from one’s working environment is, in a sense, to get away from…

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Astrology For The Weak…

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) The wind may not be filling your sails as much as you’d like this month. Luckily, you are known as a blow-hard and can easily make up for the lacking breeze. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Saturn edges into Sagittarius again this month, where it might prompt you to take a class. Be sure to enroll in “How to stop Saturn from edging into Sagittarius.” PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Your secret ambition to rule your world is becoming a much more attainable goal than you might have thought at first. Just…

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ASTROLOGY FOR THE WEAK

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You might not even notice, but you’ll have a profound influence on how and what a lot of people think. Nobody will ever consider wearing plaid and stripes together. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Don’t be surprised if people line up outside your door for a chance to bend your ear for an hour or two. It’s better than those guys who come by to bend your arms. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) The month of December could be packed with surprises, probably romantic ones. Keep that sense of humor and enjoy…

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Horoscopes for December 7-13, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Holidays are coming and relatives are on their way to invade your home. This time, you’ll be prepared. Gift certificates to restaurants and hotels are great ideas. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) A small piece of dust will land on one of your eyes, leaving trails and triggering flashbacks from the 60s. You’ll recover with a love for tie-dye and paisley. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will be questioned this month in the disappearance of your senile uncle-in-law. You’ll stick to your story that you dropped him off to shop at Super…

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Horoscopes for November 30-December 6, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Two new moons have been found around Pluto, the planet astrologers want demoted to a star. Pisces will support Pluto by mooning everyone Dec 23rd. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll learn of Festivus, dash out to find an undecorated aluminum pole and spaghetti, practice wrestling and airing your grievances. You’ve never been so happy. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) December is traditionally a month for celebrating friends and family members home. Your family, resembling the Grizwalds, will hit the casinos for days. CANCER (June 21 – July 22) You’ll start wearing a…

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Horoscopes for November 16-22, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Once again, things will take a turn for the worse in November. And, once again, you will blame everything on a co-worker, a neighbor, a relative or a pet. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Your Halloween costume was such a big hit at the office party, you will think it fun to wear it once a month. Others will think cross-dressing is more disturbing. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will find that the older you get, the more you want to take a nap in the late afternoon. For most government workers,…

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Horoscopes for November 9-15, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You’ll learn of Festivus, dash out to find an undecorated aluminum pole and spaghetti, practice wrestling and airing your grievances. You’ve never been so happy. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) December is traditionally a month for celebrating friends and family members home. Your family, resembling the Grizwalds, will hit the casinos for days. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You’ll start wearing a large silver cross around your neck after Christmas. Everyone will think you found religion. Little will they know, you just found the cross. CANCER (June 21 – July 22) Chanukah, Christmas,…

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Astrology For The Weak . . .

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You could waste the whole month thinking about work, but what would that get you? Take time to daydream, stare out the window, think about your new job. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You voted. But, the one you cast you ballot for lost. What to do? Take matters into your own hands and secede from your neighborhood or go on an eating strike. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Still reeling from that Halloween party? You started out as Robin Hood and woke up in a Shirley Temple dress. You’ll need the…

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Horoscopes for November 2-8, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Your Halloween costume was such a big hit at the office party, you will think it fun to wear it once a month. Others will think cross-dressing is more disturbing. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will find that the older you get, the more you want to take a nap in the late afternoon. For most government workers, this is fine, but not for taxi drivers. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will recall your parents saying “Your day will come.” Well, it’s coming this month. If not this month, soon. But mark my words,…