July 30, 2014

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    Seniors Setting New Password

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    WINDOWS: Please enter your new password. USER: cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. USER: boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character. USER: 1 boiled cabbage WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces. USER: 50bloodyboiled cabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively. USER:  50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDon’tGiveMeAccessNow! WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation. USER:  50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.   Related posts: No related posts.

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    Let Us Return To Shady Grove . . . By Bishop, Special Excentric Intuit

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    Is the world bring run by smart people who are putting us or, on  the other hand, by imbeciles who really mean it?                                  Mark Twain Seems that all of Sedona have gone gaga about some planet my friend Alice calls Mercury. According to an intuitive cosmological friend, this distant planet is in the process of reversing itself in the great beyond. It is sending weird vibrations everywhere. People are cleaning out their garages, hiding file cabinets concealing timeworn love letters and swearing off coffee of any kind from Starbucks. The word at Rene’s is that Mercury may just stay in…

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    No News from Doodlebug Island . . . by William F. Jordan

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    In what must be regarded as one of the more remarkable turn-arounds, Giles Ferguson, our resident atheist, has gone from a major critic of those within the community of believers to a fellow of sympathy and understanding, and no one on  Doodlebug Island can explain the change. It’s wondered if, like Saul of Tarsus, who undoubtedly suffered heat stroke on his way to Damascus, and who went from a persecutor of Christians to the self-proclaimed Apostle Paul, Giles might be experiencing the results of a brain tumor or early signs of a mental breakdown? There’s general approval of the difference,…

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    SALTED PANCAKES . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

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    Recently, my wife and I were talking with another couple when the conversation turned to cooking ability. Our friend told us she just couldn’t understand why her brand new husband didn’t immediately fall in love with her cooking when she prepared her first official breakfast as a new bride many years earlier. He, of course, as a new husband was reluctant to criticize his new bride’s attempt at pleasing him, so he bravely resisted the urge to spit his first mouthful of pancakes into the trash. Instead, he gritted his teeth, swallowed hard and made some excuse to leave the…

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    Typical Excentric Reader

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    This month’s typical Excentric Readers are Pat Morgan and Ellen O’Connell. The accompanying note read: We respectfully submit this photo from somewhere in the Bronx, NY. A dedicated Excentric reader, Pat Morgan, is on the right. A newcomer, Ellen O’Connell, is on the left reading the Excentric to her pet bird, species unknown to the human race! Best wishes, Kathleen Sullivan. Thanks. We assume Ms. Sullivan took the photo. Sadly, Ms. O’Connell seems attached to a wooden bird. Related posts: Typical Excentric Reader . . . Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

Jul 13, 2014
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PRIESTLY THEFT NEWS: Police arrested three 22-year-old men after someone reported seeing someone wearing vestments stolen from the St. Joseph Roman Catholic Church in Gardner, Massachusetts. Police say they have a motive, but are not making it public until they finish the investigation, and it was not anti-religious. Some speculate it was to boost fund raising while washing windshields. INTERCEPTED PASS NEWS: Michigan authorities say a man tried to throw a football loaded with drugs and cell phones into the yard of a state prison with the football landing between two fences. It was reported that the ball contained heroin,…

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Curmudgeon Corner

Jul 12, 2014
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cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: REALITY “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” A. Einstein “The people who say you are not facing reality actually mean that you are not facing their idea of reality. Reality is above all else a variable. With a firm enough commitment, you can sometimes create a reality which did not…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Jul 12, 2014
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Q:  I often read articles about menacing ghosts, puzzling poltergeists, Bigfoot sightings and extraterrestrial abductions. As I read these articles, I discover that many are written by adults who are recalling incidents that took place during their childhood. I often wonder if they are just writing stories for the sake of seeing their tales in print or are allowing their imaginative recollections to infiltrate their sensibilities. Why would people in their twenties or older write about odd happenings from their childhood? A: I really don’t know. Perhaps their memory was repressed due to the fright and horror they experienced. Or…

bigpicpage6july2014

Nice Boots!

Jul 11, 2014
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The Sedona Excentric crack staff members take a look at two-toned boots as a new summer fashion statement throughout the southwest. While traveling in her hot rod through small towns, attending antique car shows, this person takes time out to pose with her car and show off her boots. It seems her boots were a big hit with passerby, as many people, especially men, admiring her boots asked for a photograph. Made of mixed leathers, the boots instep uppers match the belt worn by the roadster owner. Our own staff members tried to get the woman to divulge where she…

bishoppic2july2014

Long Live the Occult . . . By Bishop Special Excentric Necromancer

Jul 10, 2014
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Where no hope is left, is left no fear – J.Milton Riding the technological bandwagon, life is changing seemingly faster than time itself. Truth be told, the rush to the Internet has created casualties in our daily lives. Harken to the words from The Stone, a philosophical volume of small circulation but enormous power. Indeed as we learn new skills from Tweeting to Texting to preferring the virtual to real action, other proficiencies are going by the wayside: The art of conversation, the art of being present, the art of looking at people, and that’s for openers. Nonetheless, some features…

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More Politics For Dummies . . .

Jul 5, 2014
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Our crack staff takes a look at global climate change and the denial by some politicians that humans are partly responsible. Actually, it is quite understandable. These same politicians believe the Flinstones were real and sexual orientation can be cured with liniment and a marathon of Scared Straight movies. In this picture, an innocent boy confronts a lizard women (further proof that people lived among dinosaurs). Though politicians have the power to reduce carbon emissions, they would rather convince Lizard Lady to buy more sun screen. Related posts: Politics For Dummies . . . How Did You Ho, Ho Ho?…

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An Excentric Look Into The Future

Jul 4, 2014
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In August, our staff takes a look at popular television shows involving Amish people, like Breaking Amish and Amish Mafia. Now, under direction of Sir William, a new show is being shot featuring a young group of Amish beachcombers relocated from Pennsylvania to the sands of the New Jersey shore. Amish Gone Bass is sure to be a big hit on some high numbered cable channel. Related posts: An Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future Back To the Future, Part I

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

Jun 18, 2014
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BULLY FOR YOU NEWS: “I’m against bullying, but I’m getting damn tired of it being used as a mantra for everything, and the ills of the world. When all most people just have to grow a pair, and stick up for them damn selves.” So says the Juneor of Porterville, California, where, evidently, even the females are encouraged to sport male genitalia. Sounds like the Juneor needs to grow a brain. EDUMACATIONAL NEWS: A Connecticut college dropout was arrested after admitting to calling in two bomb threats to keep her family from learning she had quit Quinnipiac University. She made…

Curmudgeondecember2013

Curmudgeon Corner . . .

Jun 17, 2014
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cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: DOCTORS “If your time ain’t come not even a doctor can kill you.” American Proverb “The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that “hmmmm” noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won’t come right out and say “UH-oh!” Dave Barry “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

Jun 11, 2014
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A SO SO PIECE So, I’ve a major bone to pick–    So fervently, I’m blue! So let me earnestly explain    So you’ll know what I do! So what I know I know I hear,    So you must hear it too. So let us raise one angry voice    So we can act on cue! So, “so” is what this is about!    So now you glimpse my view! “So” is an on-air pox to purge    So it’s flushed down the loo! “So” starts too many sentences,    “So” is a crutch, a glue, “So” messes up…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Jun 10, 2014
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Q:  I read an article written by an expert on the paranormal where they explained what a ghost might be. According to this person, A ghostly figure can be: a real person; a haunting (an “imprint” of people; a “recording” of sorts); an apparition of the dead; an apparition of the living; a psychic perception; a trick of memory; a trick of perception; a blur brought on by infra-sound; an image caused by phantoms of the brain. How do you know then if you are experiencing a real visitation from someone from the beyond or a trick or brain phantom?…

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Sheep Rancher vs BLM . . .

Jun 9, 2014
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The Sedona Excentric crack staff members take a look a hunters in Wyoming claiming the Bureau of Land and Management is responsible for reintroducing grey wolves to the area that threaten their livelihood. While protected from hunting in most circumstances, the wolves are generally accepted as nature’s way of thinning out the deer population that, in great numbers, can adversely affect vegetation necessary to the survival of other wildlife. This rancher, subsidized by the government for sheep meat and wool, found a loophole in the laws prohibiting the killing of wolves. It seems there is no specific statute that makes…

page6pic1june2014

More Embarrassing Medical Exams…

Jun 8, 2014
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Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! It seems more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line. Here’s what happened to Kevin: Kevin walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to…

page3pic1june2014

Politics For Dummies . . .

Jun 3, 2014
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Our crack staff takes a look at the political climate of the upcoming U.S. Senate and House races voters will decide on later this year. Usually the candidate with the most money wins. But, this voting cycle is shaping up to possibly upset the odds makers, or king makers. While some candidates profess to desire little government with low taxes and are willing to turn a blind eye to the needy, others demand no government with no taxes and are happy to watch the needy perish. Funny, thinning the herd seems to be more Darwinian than Biblical. It’s just politics….

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Emergency Wine . . .

Jun 2, 2014
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In July, our staff takes a look at the positive effects of red wine on human health and longevity. If test results prove to be true, a new type of business is cropping up all over the country, especially in neighborhoods catering to senior citizens. The convenience of wine delivery along with reducing golf cart accidents adds to its popularity.   Related posts: The Washington Wine Road – Part I. . . by Joel Mann, Staff Wine Tasting Guy It All Starts Over a Glass of Wine What’s On Tap . . . by Joel Mann, Staff Wine Tasting Guy…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

May 19, 2014
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WORD FOR WORD NEWS:  A Kansas man charged with first-degree murder is afraid the tattooed mirror-image letters spelling out the word “murder” across his neck might prejudice a jury, so he is asking for a professional tattoo artist to remove or cover it up. A tattoo artist was able to remove the tattoo and replace it with the words, “I Did It.” REALLY DAFFY NEWS: A woman visiting her mother in Oregon is suing her neighbor, seeking $275,000 for pain, suffering and other damages she says were inflicted when a pet duck ambushed her for no apparent reason. In her…

Curmudgeondecember2013

Curmudgeon Corner

May 18, 2014
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cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: LAWYERS “Lawyers I suppose were children once.” Charles Lamb “The trouble with law is lawyers.” Clarence Darrow “If the laws could speak for themselves, they would complain of the lawyers.” Edward F. Halifax “If half the lawyers would become plumbers, two of man’s biggest problems would be solved.” Felton Daivis, Jr. “Anybody who thinks…

bigpicpage13may2014

Getting Old Is Far Better Than The Alternative…

May 16, 2014
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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?” “‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.” An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to…

bigpicpage12may2014

Another Big Picture Page

May 16, 2014
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The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at yet another online dating site. Feeling left out, these experienced women are establishing a start-up company to help hook up seniors. Non-discriminating, these gals say the site is open to all creeds, races, ages and sexual orientation. Dating sites already exist for African Americans, Christians, Boomers, serious daters, casual daters, cheaters, farmers, even professionals (whatever that means). However, until now, no one has targeted the long-lived – octogenarians on up – Oldsters.com. If the date ends up with someone spending the night, bed rails can be deployed to prevent accidents requiring…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

May 12, 2014
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A COMPUTER MADE OF MEAT I have a new obsession which    Is old and new and sweet! In fundamental terms it’s my    Computer made of meat! Not pork or beef or venison,    Although they’re much the same; Not burger, chops or leg of lamb,    Although they’re in the game! This meat will solve equations and    Forge tactics for my fate; This meat will track dark matter and    Can teach me how to skate! This meat will make me giggle and    This meat will make me cry; This meat will make me babble and…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

May 12, 2014
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Q:  I am curious about ghosts. I believe that some spirits either can’t cross over or, in some cases, take their sweet time doing so. I found a story about a mom that passed and hung around her house to taunt and scare the relatives left behind that moved into her home. There were tales of sightings of feet under an unoccupied door and a voice demanding tea, pounding on walls late at night, and even the relocating of clothing? I can explain away most of the activity as the mom’s entity being ticked off that people couldn’t wait for…

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Why Christmas Might Be Cancelled . . .

May 11, 2014
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While going through our email files, we came across this wonderful Christmas photograph of an ordinary American couple and the happy Christmas Chihuahua. We realize we’re either months late or even more months early, but were so impressed by the obvious love for the holiday shown in these wonderful shots that we just couldn’t resist posting them. Sharing special times with pets is important to many people, especially those who consider their pets members of their family. Notice th baby lamb (or goat) on the lap of the woman who appears as though it just wet her skirt. The man’s…

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Embarrassing Medical Exams…

May 10, 2014
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1. A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s  going to have her baby in the cab.” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs – and I was in the wrong one. 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient. 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad…

astro

Horoscopes for July 27-August 2, 2014

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This month, your imagination, dreams and fantasies will provide other people with entertainment. Little did anyone know what a comedian you can be. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You are in super great shape on the extremely the whole month of July. Look for really good news and lots of wet, sloppy kisses. Somebody’s getting a puppy! PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You’re better off kicking back and observing than trying to make things happen in July. If you can eavesdrop a bit, you’ll learn what they really think about you. ARIES…

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Horoscopes for July 13-19, 2014

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19) It’s August in Arizona. Chances are great it’s going to be hot – very hot. You’ll complain as you have every year about the heat. You won’t do well in your afterlife. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) August is the perfect month for Taurus to get back together with a long lost lover. If it goes as planned, you will be together days longer than the first time. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Things are heating up and summer nights are boring. For relief, you’ll take up skinny-dipping at the city pool. You’ll…

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ASTROLOGY FOR THE WEAK

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You know the old adage, “Today marks the beginning of the rest of your life.” If you wake up the next day, the rest starts all over again and so on and so on. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March  11) You will be of two minds about a love interest. On one hand, you find them amusing, on the other, you find them extremely irritating. Time to propose marriage. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This month, you’ll realize that anything having to do with romance is likely to go well if you play…

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Horoscopes for July 6-12, 2014

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Do not walk boldly to your future this month. It would be best if you pretend you’re a houseplant that needs shade. Prune the dead leaves and stand in a corner. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You need to plug in for things to pan out. Or is it you need to tune in to drop out? Or maybe it’s you need to hang in to hang out. Well, you gotta get up to get down. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Others will take their cues from you especially when Uranus follows…

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Horoscopes for June 29-July 5, 2014

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Work, love, life, whatever, you’re a big winner. The kind of winner everybody wants to take out to dinner and smother with kisses. No, wait, that’s last year’s. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You are itching for a little highbrow culture. But you live in Cornville, AZ and have nothing to scratch it with since the breakup of the Cornville Symphony. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) The microcosm of civilization that surrounds you is starting to wear on your patience, and the idea of faces you don’t recognize sounds thrilling. Go bowling….

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Horoscopes for June 15-21, 2014

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will try to continue passing the holiday spirit along by whistling carols. Joy will come to an abrupt stop when friends and co-workers Super Glue your lips. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will be approached by the authorities soon for assault with intent to cause internal harm after relatives report you for re-gifting those nasty old fruitcakes. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will emerge from a life-long doubt about the existence of Santa Claus this month. You still didn’t receive any gifts, but your roof is covered in reindeer poop….

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ASTROLOGY FOR THE WEAK

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You will observe that past actions are just now starting to reverberate in your life.  It is if you are at the beginning chapter of “When Your Karma Turns To Cacka.” AQUARIUS (February 16 – March  11) You will find that when you stir muddy waters, they just get muddier. The same holds true when stirring trouble with extraterrestrials. They get extra terrestrial. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This month, you’ll discover that patience is much more valuable to you than even the best thought-out plan. Unless, of course, you’re BP with duct…

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Horoscopes for June 8-14, 2014

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will take credit this month for a new campaign to promote a popular landmark near your home. Park your car, stop to smell the flowers and kiss our buttes. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will find yourself ambling quite often this month. You’ll lose a few pounds and start a profitable new fitness business, Amble Your Way To Better Health. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will have a “lost time” episode. You explain that you were abducted by aliens and then returned a day later, but the bartender remembers serving…