February 11, 2016

  • rubiopic

    Thin Wins . . . by Will Durst

    The great state of Iowa has a history of cultivating its topsoil for a harvest of winners the rest of the country may enjoy. Glenn Miller. Buffalo Bill Cody. George Reeves. Herbert Hoover. James Tiberius Kirk. As a side note, this may be the first time in history the word “enjoy” has been linked to Herbert Hoover. The recent raucous caucus process is a perfect example of the Hawkeye State’s peculiar propensity for propagating the propitious. It is the Special Olympics of politics. “Thanks for playing our game. Here’s a bunch of trophies. We think everybody’s a winner.” After the…

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    Hawkeyes and Granitoids…by Will Durst

    And now the question that’s been dancing on the lips of politically concerned citizens for decades. Who’s the genius that chose Iowa and New Hampshire to be the first and most influential states in determining who becomes the next president? Probably the same guy who figured out how to bundle subprime mortgages. Or related to the brewer who invented Cold Turkey Breakfast Beer. The idiot behind pay- toilets on airplanes. The premier production, the Iowa Caucuses, is a wild and wacky adventure that takes up an entire evening. First you find where your designated precinct gathering is being held in…

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    No News From Doodlebug Island…by William F. Jordan

    A sales representative from a printing company featuring modern duplicating equipment made his way into my office recently here at the Doodlebug Run-on and publishing company, took a look at my ancient Mergenthaler linotype machine and my hand-fed Miehle letter press, trays of lead type of various sizes and families of fonts, shook his head, and asked tentatively and in obvious disbelief if I’d given any thought to upgrading my operation? Said he could sell me state-of-the-art equipment that would both speed-up and ease my printing requirements. “Why, the speed and simplicity will pay for the machines you buy in…

  • brendonfebruary2016

    TV or not TV, That is the Question…by Brendon Marks

    Recently as I marveled at the miracle of satellite TV I recalled the days gone by of when many rural households had no choice except over the air broadcast TV with the required antenna bristling from the peak of the roof, and an event which cemented these bygone days in my memory. When I first noticed that all channels above thirteen on my TV were showing the same silent movie about a severe snowstorm in the Arctic I said, “Aw gee whiz. What now? First I can’t read the TV listings in my newspaper, now this.” The first thing I…

  • Lake Powell

    Water We Waiting For? Water Conservation NOW! . . . by Nicholas Martell

    As I walk into the Hilton hotel for the 107th Arizona Town Hall Meeting, I find myself in unfamiliar territory. What the hell am I doing in a Hilton hotel in the first place? This is me, a scruffy, 29 year old graduate student who refuses to cut (or regularly comb) his thick, John Fogerty-esque mane. None of my favorite shirts come anywhere near a button, and I prefer my shoes to be of the slip-on nature. When did I become an adult? As I approach the registration table all I can feel is the nagging anxiety of wondering if…

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Lake Powell

Water We Waiting For? Water Conservation NOW! . . . by Nicholas Martell

Jan 20, 2016

As I walk into the Hilton hotel for the 107th Arizona Town Hall Meeting, I find myself in unfamiliar territory. What the hell am I doing in a Hilton hotel in the first place? This is me, a scruffy, 29 year old graduate student who refuses to cut (or regularly comb) his thick, John Fogerty-esque mane. None of my favorite shirts come anywhere near a button, and I prefer my shoes to be of the slip-on nature. When did I become an adult? As I approach the registration table all I can feel is the nagging anxiety of wondering if…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

Dec 3, 2015

APPLE SEASON November is the end of it– Though autumn’s gold beguiles– Another apple season ends, While one old woman smiles! For, Evelyn loves apples and She loves her apple trees, And, one last time, she struggles through Her orchard, where she sees The ancient trees she planted with Her husband, buried here– Their lives and deaths still intertwined As winter days grow near– And, holding forth their shaky limbs And offering their gifts, Her trees seem to enfold her, as Collective memory drifts To one November morning, when They knelt down, on their knees, And dreamed of apple seasons…

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Wrecked Rectitude . . . by Will Durst

Dec 3, 2015

Get out the big black Sharpie and pull down the official Presidential Campaign Manual because its time to redact the rules. Reality television star Donald Trump has altered the way politics is played to an extent that is game- changing. Judged on a scale of one to ten, think somewhere in the mid five figures. First off, candidates no longer have to worry about looking ridiculous. Actual clowns are now allowed to emerge from the clown car. Opportunism is in, while rationality has been swept off the table, along with class, integrity, decorum, common human decency and hygiene. Two, shooting…

will durst

Anchor Baby Battle by Will Durst

Nov 17, 2015

Prepare for earth shattering news. Immigration has become a key issue in the race for the Republican nomination. Yes. Again. It’s what folks in the garden industry call a perennial. Or rather, biennial, as it happens like clockwork every year ending in an even number. As predictable as fruit flies in the dumpster behind a produce store on garbage day. Every election cycle, the GOP energizes its base by sounding the newcomer alarm. This proud honored American tradition dates back to the Iroquois, “Can’t let those damn Europeans in, they’ll ruin everything.” Donald Trump dominated the early rounds of the…

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Who Would Want This Job? by Will Durst

Nov 17, 2015

It’s like a train wreck. Fascinating, repellant, and loud: all at the same time. Talking about the American presidential sweepstakes. And, as ratings for the last few debates seem to indicate, very hard to look away. It was Winston Churchill who called our election process… “a circus wrapped in a game show covered in poisonous weasel glitter.” And if he didn’t, he should have. Look at how we treat these poor people. Gang debates. Smug interrogators. Partisan witch hunts. Hostile examinations. Substandard lecterns. Marathon fund- raisers with cold congealed Swedish meatballs in a watery mustard sauce. What we end up…

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RED MEAT VS CREME BRULEE . . .by Will Durst

Nov 2, 2015

If the disappointment of everyone expecting fireworks at the first Democratic debate exhibited itself as perspiration, we could declare the California drought over. A few soggy matches might have been lit but that was it. Heavy on the smoke: non- existent on the flame. This initial gathering of liberal presidential wannabees did highlight the differing styles of the 2 parties. Both may be big on giving away government money, but Democrats prefer ladling it out to poor people, while the Republicans want to slip it to the rich. Republicans live in Potterville and the Dems call Bedford Falls home. Even…

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GREED NOT GOOD . . . by Will Durst

Nov 2, 2015

Get this. And get it straight. Gordon Gekko was wrong. Greed is not good. Greed is bad. Greed eats away the core of society like a golden parasitic leech the size of Manitoba. Or Saskatchewan. One of those Provinces or Territories or Protectorates or whatever they use in Canada to keep their license plates distinct. And practicing and/ or defending greed makes you nothing but a blood- sucking tick no matter how fancy a suit you’re wearing. Or size of the diamonds around your wrist. Or how free- range the organic heirloom Chicken Florentine is on your plate. The movie…

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Minister of Reality . . . by Doug (Rabbit) Sutherland

Nov 2, 2015

JOLLY PROCTOLOGY My daddy said it loud in spite Of my repugnant scowls: “You’ll know you’re growing old when you Start talking ’bout your bowels!” His words rose up in horror and My forehead ran with sweat While googling “proctologists” Upon the internet. The doctor’s name was Jolly and He grinned out from my screen; Doc Jolly loved proctology!– On colons, he was keen! He said he was a genius with His radiated gas, And, if I had ten thousand bucks, He’d fix my sorry ass! My youth has been restored again!– No talk about my bowels! (Except, these days…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

Sep 25, 2015

JOLLY PROCTOLOGY My daddy said it loud in spite Of my repugnant scowls: “You’ll know you’re growing old when you Start talking ’bout your bowels!” His words rose up in horror and My forehead ran with sweat While googling “proctologists” Upon the internet. The doctor’s name was Jolly and He grinned out from my screen; Doc Jolly loved proctology!– On colons, he was keen! He said he was a genius with His radiated gas, And, if I had ten thousand bucks, He’d fix my sorry ass! My youth has been restored again!– No talk about my bowels! (Except, these days…

willdurstpicseptember2015

HIPS, LIPS, TIPS, DRIPS, & SLIPS, by Will Durst

Aug 27, 2015

Yeah, I hear what you’re saying. “For all you political comics, Donald Trump must be a dream come true. Manna from heaven. Slam- dunking from a step- ladder. Swimming in a sea of beer.” Oh sure, there are jokes. 1. Trump’s presidential campaign is like a baboon’s butt. The higher he climbs, the harder it is to look. 2. Not saying his message is confusing, but doubt he could convince a majority of the voices in his head to vote for him. C. Trump doesn’t respect gay marriage because of tradition. And the fact that he’s been married 3 times…

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Doug Sutherland, Minister of Reality

Aug 27, 2015

JUSTICE RE-DRESSED It should have been predicted by Sheer logic of the head That Justices in dresses would Concur that gays should wed! The habits of the past were changed On that Supreme Court day– Traditional traditions all Transmogrified away. On TV, boys were kissing boys, And girls were kissing girls, While fat, white, male Republicans Were pulling out their curls. The thing that never changes is That change is here to stay, Though change-deniers backward-march To drums of yesterday. Or, as my daddy wryly said, While stroking his old dome, “The folks who stand in front of trains Will…

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RUMPUS TRUMPUS CHUMPUS, by Will Durst

Jul 29, 2015

For all those bemoaning the lack of noise in the Republican presidential sweepstakes it’s time to get down on our knees and give thanks to Donald Trump because whatever that man touches turns to loud. He’s the gift that keeps on blaring. Has all the delicate innuendo of concrete curtain rods. Not just a loose cannon, more like a loose aircraft carrier. To say the campaign of the self- appointed captain of the S.S. Birther got off to a rocky start is like intimating that transatlantic telecommunications cables make substandard dental floss. Critics derided the guy who tried to trademark…

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QUANTUM GARDENING, by Doug (Rabbit) Sutherland

Jul 29, 2015

QUANTUM GARDENING I spaded up my garden and I planted beans that climb; I planted fragrant rosemary; I planted sage and thyme. I planted squash and carrots and Tomatoes, corn and kale; I planted cukes and onions, but My thyme began to fail! I planted spuds and lettuce and Cilantro, chard and peas; I planted beets and peppers while My thyme dropped to its knees! My Brussels sprouts were cheering as My garlic raised a toast; My parsley celebrated as My thyme gave up the ghost! (Make room, dear Stephen Hawking, for The Physicist of Rhyme!– Courageously rewriting, A Brief…

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Red Pope, Green Pope by Will Durst

Jun 30, 2015

He gets under their skin like termites in a boathouse. Drives them crazier than Hillary Clinton and Yoko Ono dancing on a gay pride parade float. He’s the itch you can’t scratch. The thorn in the palm of their paw. The 3- inch scratch on their favorite Ted Nugent album. Talking about that hot new Catholic sensation, Pope Frankie. At first it was his general commie pink yellow rat bastard predilection for focusing on the poor. “The poor. The poor. Why is it with him, always got to be about the goldarn poor.” But now the former Jorge Mario Bergoglio…

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Minister of Reality, Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland

Jun 30, 2015

JUDY’S SELFIE Well, Judy had another fight Down at her Apple store. They flat out said they won’t replace Her iPhone any more. She told them quite respectfully, The new phone didn’t work– That just like all the other times, The camera went berserk. She wore her hot bikini to Some beach that’s all the rage, And tried to take a selfie to Enhance her Facebook page. But, once again, the camera took A shot of some old bag!– A woman twice her age with warts, Gray hair and jowls that sag! And, as they walked her to the door,…

This Month In Poly Ticks

Jun 1, 2015

And now for your monthly update in the world of poly ticks. Run for your lives, people, because it’s complete chaos out there. In the pre-summer rush to wrangle positive press; current presidential candidates, potential presidential candidates, former presidential candidates, former presidents, and current presidents are viciously competing for track space in a freakish spectacle of careening into walls and spinning out of control like souped-up bumper cars during a power surge. To say it is not a pretty sight is similar to intimating that encountering hot oily transmission parts in the bowels of your sleeping bag is not an…

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Minister of Reality, Doug (Rabbit) Sutherland

May 31, 2015

PRISM GLANCES I saw the little girl again In that old woman’s eyes!– The look, the smile, the twinkle that Belies her aged disguise! Her eyes are prisms bending time Back 90 years or more, And, there she is, a clear-eyed child Prepared to rise and soar! My Friend, who loves a boy of two Declares with certainty, Through prism glances sees him as A man of seventy! His eyes confirm experience Of decades still unknown!– Of mended hearts and scattered dreams, The fruits of seeds unsown! In every girl of 90 there’s The child to clearly see; In every…

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Proxy Rematch, by Will Durst

May 1, 2015

Might want to stuff your pants pockets with sand and hang onto the rail as the ship of state lurches towards the distinct possibility that the election to next command the helm will be between Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton. The brother versus the wife. Sounds like a probate lawsuit. This promises to be a fabulous development for comedians everywhere, precipitating the resurrection of all our 1992 Bush/ Clinton material. It’s the green thing to do. Recycling meets nostalgia. Together again for the very first time. A rematch by proxy. Now, if only we could coax Ross Perot back into…

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Doug (Rabbit) Sutherland, Minister of Reality

May 1, 2015

THE SHROUD OF WISDOM It’s true I’m old and wizened with All systems set to fail. My knees are weak, my elbows creak, My wattles flap and flail. But, there are compensations for The countless years I’ve sown. For, all of life’s a tradeoff, and In countless ways I’ve grown. I understand my fellow man Far better than before; I find compassion in my heart, Forgiveness at my core. The multitudes petition me To council in their strife– The shroud of wisdom, settled on The shoulders of my life. They tell me that I’m blessed and wise; To them it’s…

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Crazy Cruzy, by Will Durst

Apr 2, 2015

Winter is over! Winter is over! Excuse the jubilation, but we ink- stained wretches love the ritual excitement that occurs every spring- before- the Big Quadrennial with the first sighting of a red nose popping out of the presidential wannabe clown car. This seasonal harbinger is Ted Cruz who announced his candidacy for the highest office of the land. Throwing his 10 gallon hat into the ring at Liberty University, Cruz spoke to an assembly of students whose attendance was required. Mandatory attendance at Liberty University. Sounds like definition of the word “freedom” is fairly fluid for the matriculators of…

That Really Bunches My Panties

brendonfebruary2016

TV or not TV, That is the Question…by Brendon Marks

Recently as I marveled at the miracle of satellite TV I recalled the days gone by of when many rural households had no choice except over the air broadcast TV with the required antenna bristling from the peak of the roof, and an event which cemented these bygone days in my memory. When I first noticed that all channels above thirteen on my TV were showing the same silent movie about a severe snowstorm in the Arctic I said, “Aw gee whiz. What now? First I can’t read the TV listings in my newspaper, now this.” The first thing I…

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Which Life To Fix . . . by Brendon marks

While talking with an acquaintance few years ago, I mentioned that all of my lives were in turmoil, and he asked, “How many wives do you have?” Assuming that he had misunderstood, and ignoring all thoughts of how delighted Freud would have been to interview this person; I pressed on. (Before I continue, I would like to state unequivocally that my one and only wife is not directly responsible for the turmoil in any of my lives.) I watched for a flicker of interest as I enumerated each of my lives: Work life, home life, and so forth. At “Car…

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The Three F’s . . . by Brendon Marks

So you’re suffering from the three F’s: fat, forty, and frustrated–well, help is available. I can’t do much about “forty”, except suggest you slap on a coat of Oil of Old Lady, to cover your basketball complexion so you don’t look forty. And you’ll have to get “frustrated” advice from another source, but “fat” is right down my alley. Before everybody starts writing letters, let me say that I am not saying that you’re fat. I’m also not saying there is anything wrong with being fat. I’m just saying you may think you’re fat and you may have decided to…

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The Three Fs by Brendon Marks

So you’re suffering from the three F’s: fat, forty, and frustrated–well, help is available. I can’t do much about “forty”, except suggest you slap on a coat of Oil of Old Lady, to cover your basketball complexion so you don’t look forty. And you’ll have to get “frustrated” advice from another source, but “fat” is right down my alley. Before everybody starts writing letters, let me say that I am not saying that you’re fat. I’m also not saying there is anything wrong with being fat. I’m just saying you may think you’re fat and you may have decided to…

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I May Get Around To It . . . by Brendon Marks

I’m a world class procrastinator. I should join Procrastinator’s Anonymous, and I will, someday. How do they get any members anyway? If someone were really a procrastinator, they’d never join, and if they join, they’re not really a procrastinator. Maybe they should call it Very Nearly Procrastinator’s Anonymous. I suppose some are not really procrastinators; they just suffer from BFS (But First Syndrome). But First Syndrome is not the habit of always entering a room backwards or letting your husband take the lead; it’s the problem of allowing a new task to interfere with finishing an earlier one. For example,…

brendonpicoctober2015

Plasti-Pack, by Brendon Marks

I predict that you will never see a utility knife for sale in one of those clear plastic, form fitting, clamshell packages, because if you don’t own a utility knife you can’t get the package open. And if you own a utility knife, you don’t need another one. Other tools can be used to open these packages, but if you don’t own a utility knife, the chances are you won’t own a chain saw or axe either. This ingenious package design encloses a purchase item between two pieces of plastic like a sandwich. This clear, hard plastic shell is either…

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Man The Lifeboats, by Brendon marks

A few years ago my wife and I went on a cruise to Alaska, and I highly recommend it. If you think you can’t afford one, don’t worry. It’s no more expensive than riding a Greyhound bus three times around the world, while staying in fine hotels and eating in fancy restaurants. But the cruise is worth every penny. Although the room you share is the same size as a bus seat, it does have a TV, and if you’re lucky, a window, except on a ship they’re called portholes. At least that’s true on the left side of the…

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LIFE’S TROPHIES, by Brendon Marks

A trophy is an everlasting symbol of one’s conquest over an opponent. The practice started centuries ago when some inedible part of the vanquished foe was lopped off and nailed to the wall over the fireplace. During times when you had no house guests these trophies prove very utilitarian for such activities as drying your socks on damp winter evenings. Trophy collecting has endured in spite of the efforts of several camera manufacturers to replace the activity with “moments frozen in time”. The concept has been modified slightly to allow for those instances where the loser may be reluctant to…