April 17, 2014

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    No News from Doodlebug Island . . . by William F. Jordan

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    It was Friday; I had my feet up and was congratulating myself on having my newspaper, the Doodlebug Island Run-on, ready to go to press when  Randolph Spitzenberger dropped by. “Bill, I’ve just had the most paradoxical experience of my life, one with extraordinary implications! I was at Madelyn Fisher’s home examining her collections and overheard a conversation between her and her son Morgan. He asked if there were anything she needed, or if there were anything he could do for her before he left? She pointed to a postcard on the kitchen counter and said, ‘Yes, you can mail…

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    Quiet Please . . . By Bishop, Special Eccentric Free Lancer

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    Silence is always there; all we can make is noise. . . . Mother Mirabel  Time was that neighing of horses was the loudest noise in old Sedona with the exception of closing time at the old Oak Creek Tavern when publishers and film stars went screaming off into the night. Now it is airplanes which seem to cruise above town, faster and lower and louder, accompanied by helicopters. In the streets to the west of uptown, bellowing Harleys race up and down while autos with out of state plates scrape by one another, often blocking postmen and women from delivering…

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    ROLLING BLACKOUTS . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

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    I just got back from California (birthplace of the rolling blackout).  I guess by now you’ve heard about those rolling blackouts. As a member of the original team invited to tour the electricity storage caverns (remember my column on Stale Electricity?), I was recently called upon to tour the California Blackout Factory where these things are manufactured. As you might imagine, these blackout things didn’t just happen by themselves and jump onto the scene. There’s a considerable history of development, which provides a fascinating insight into the origins of this phenomenon. I was surprised to learn the folks who perfected…

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    That Really Bunches My Panties by Brendon Marks

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    As I waited my turn at the counter in the bowling alley, I casually watched a young guy behind the counter spray something into each one of the collection of rental shoes that had been returned by previous bowlers. I thought, ‘It’s good they do that. No tellin’ what sort of feet have been in those shoes.’ Then it occurred to me that I really didn’t know what the spray was. It could be a disinfectant or it could be only a deodorant or even just compressed air like you use to blast the toast crumbs out of your computer…

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    Automotive Breakdown… by Denny Mandeville, Owner/Canyon Automotive, Sedona

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    Summer is coming, and, historically, the last weekend in May gives rise to the dreaded triple digit temperatures (at least in the lower elevations). We may be smug with our 90’s temperatures, but even those temperatures are hard on your car. And the triple digits will come to beautiful Sedona before anyone is truly ready. Just as summer is coming so is the time to prepare for your summer traveling even if the expected extent of your journey is Phoenix. If your excursion plans include San Diego or Rocky Point, a little more preparation would be wise. Did you know…

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Typical Excentric Reader

Apr 15, 2014
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This month’s typical Excentric Readers is Jacob Bloch, pictured on vacation in La Jolla California. He had hoped for an escape from what was supposed to be winter weather, ending up here with his favorite paper. Though we are not sure the exact location Jacob was vacationing from, we get a sense he was escaping from Northern Arizona. We tried a Facebook search for Jacob, but were unable to locate him. We are just happy Jacob took the time to email us his picture and hope he had a great vacation. How bad could it have been? He did, after…

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Sedona Senior Olympics

Apr 15, 2014
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Four Meter Fall Down and Get Up Trials All-U-Can-Eat Light Breakfast Buffet Relay Lazy Boy Recliner Nap Off The Limbo Pole Low Jump Belly-Up-To-The-Bar Shotput Eating, Sleeping and Pill-Taking Triathalon Two Hour Let Your Fingers Do The Walking Phone-Off Back Yard Barbecue Skewer Toss Macarena Marathon Adjusting Your Truss vs. Adjusting Your Trust Bank Vaulting Backing Car Out Of Post Office Parking Lot Contest Hot Tub Water Polo Wine Tasting For Mixed Doubles Synchronized Wading Golf Cart Drag Racing Memory Marathon Jumping While High Automobile Directional Signal Turn-A-Thon Related posts: Sedona Vortex Experiences Retiring in Sedona Sedona Alien Party Cancelled…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

Apr 12, 2014
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THE 500 YEAR OLD WOMAN It could have been a typo, but    My screen declared it true: “500 Year Old Women Would    Just Love To Dine With You!” Five hundred year old women!  Wow!    I’ve never dated one! But, dinner conversations might    Just turn out to be fun! She might have camped at Jamestown or    Baked clams at Plymouth Rock! She might have posed for Rembrandt or    Sung lullabies to Bach! She might have dated Jan Vermeer    Or eaten Cromwell’s hens! She might have peeked at Richelieu    Through Galileo’s lens! But, Thomas…

KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Apr 10, 2014
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Q:  It seems that the popularity of True Blood and Vampire Diaries, and especially the enormous success of Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series has contributed to the surge of vampire wanna-bees. Groups are forming celebrating with those from the Goth community in an attempt to fulfill some inner spiritual need. Are these people out there drinking blood? A: Personally, I think these people are out there, but basically harmless. Q: I read that different countries have records of wee people existing on their lands. The Irish have leprechauns, Scandinavians have trolls and Icelanders have their elves. Recent sightings by people in…

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Advertising For Beginners

Apr 9, 2014
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The Sedona Excentric investigative team looks into advertising practices in some foreign countries. Now that China has determined to move its farmers and ranchers off their land and into apartments built for the masses by the government, other Asian countries are considering becoming less dependent on imports and more self-sufficient at the expense of their citizens’ independence. If these women are to survive as owners of a spare tire company, they need to come up with an advertising plan to attract major auto makers. They make little tires that come with new vehicles – the ones that you should only…

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Legal Matters, But So Do Brains

Apr 8, 2014
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The following 20 questions were asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and in certain cases the responses given by the insightful witnesses as reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association lawyers Journal. 1) “Now Dr., isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?” 2) “The youngest son, the 20-year-old, hold is he?” 3) “Were you present when your picture was taken?” 4) “Were you alone or by yourself?” 5) “Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?” 6) “Did he kill you?” 7)…

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An Excentric Look Into The Future

Apr 3, 2014
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In May, our crack Excentric staff takes a look at new clothing accessories designed to accommodate young apartment dwellers who are pet friendly. Many areas prohibit pets, either due to space limitations or potty issues. To this day, some pet lovers refuse to carry litter lifting bags. The answer is  dog poop power. Most collected feces currently go in the trash and to landfills. They release methane gas, a significant contributor to climate change. In 2010, a dog park in Cambridge, Mass., brought in a methane digester. Dog waste now powers streetlights, a tea cart and popcorn machine. Even though…

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The Gateway to Cornville

Apr 1, 2014
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Sedona Excentric World staff members take a look at how the upper crust of Cornville lives. People from this rural area are known around the globe for their devil-may-care lifestyle, fancy-schmancy vehicles and weekly no-tie cocktail parties until the sun comes up or everyone passes out. Now, many Sedonans, disappointed and disillusioned by the once happening, hippy laden, New Age artist retirement colony, are leaving the city in droves to relocate to the land of the unpretentious party animals. “These people simply have not forgotten how to have a good time,” a bartender at the Page Springs Restaurant was overheard…

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Inside The News . . . by David Fidelman

Mar 25, 2014
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THAT’S A CROC NEWS: Crocodiles, it has been discovered, climb to keep a lookout on their territory and to warm themselves in the sun. They also use sticks and twigs to simulate a nest on their snouts to catch birds. This new discovery will force scientists to renew the way way they make conclusions from extinct files. Some say it may be possible extinct even-toed ungulates actually took to the skies. in layman terms that translates into pigs flying. STUCK UP NEWS: An Oregon man placed an emergency call to 911 to demand immediate assistance. It seems his wife’s jacket…

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Increase the Minimum Wage!

Mar 22, 2014
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Our Excentric Investigative Staff take a look  at the reasoning behind keeping the minimum wage at or below poverty level. While the richest 1% of wage earners in the United States had massive increases in their salaries and bonuses, the rest of the country has experienced stagnating incomes. Meanwhile, costs of everything from milk and bread to veggies and meat. While shopping, our staff noticed that companies who seemed to keep their products at or near the same prices of recent years past are offering smaller amounts in smaller in smaller containers, thereby tricking the average buyer  and keeping them…

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Bullying in the Animal Kingdom

Mar 20, 2014
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The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at bullying. For centuries, humans have been known to pick on the most vulnerable. Often, a crowd would gather to encourage the stronger person to tease, taunt and sometimes physically attack an inferior person often unable to defend themselves. Whether it was stealing someone’s lunch money or giving them a wedgy, it was meant to humiliate and hurt. Now, with social media, people are using computers and cell phones to harass, embarrass, and mentally scar others to make themselves seem more powerful. Once thought limited to humans, bullying now has been observed…

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Diagnosable . . . by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

Mar 16, 2014
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               DIAGNOSABLE I took a short vacation to    A warm and gentle clime To catch up on my reading ‘cuz    I never find the time. I read The Book of Mormon and    I read the Bible, too, The Torah and the Talmud and    I realized the author was The same guy in all four–    Not only that, He wrote them while    Cross-legged, on the floor, Without a single laptop or    A smart-phone or a pen, And, in an instant, all at once,    Which underscores, again, That God is truly gifted and   …

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Kozmik Korner . . . by Lush Gumball

Mar 14, 2014
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Q:  I read about a family in Israel, near the Lebanon border that houses a statue of the Virgin Mary that weeps oil. Neighbors from miles are said to have been flocking to the home. Once wiped down, the statue seems to immediately show signs of moisture. one woman even said the statue spoke to her. So many times, these claims have turned out to be hoaxes. Could this be the real thing? A: Possibly. I wonder if it’s olive oil. Q: I heard about yet another Bigfoot sighting. This time by a couple in Potter County, Pennsylvania. They describe…

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First Do No Harm?

Mar 12, 2014
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The Sedona Excentric investigative team looks into the growing obsession people are having with enhancing their appearance.  While the gentleman pictured on the right may seem to have been a bit excessive with his piercings, the lady pictured on the left may have gone a bit too far while seeking to augment her bust line. As far as the potential harm they may be bringing to themselves with these attempts to garner attention. the man could have his entire face ripped off if he walked under an industrial magnet or, suffer from radiation exposure if he ever needed dental x-rays….

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You Know You’re Finally a Sedonan When: by J.C. Brookwood

Mar 10, 2014
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Anatomically correct dolls don’t resemble any of your body parts. Your neighbors get frightened when they see you naked. You realize, too late, that your entire life has been based on a true story. You join a movement to get drugs off the street and back into the medicine cabinets where they belong. Your sunscreen nearly doubles your body weight. Some people think you are a large Shar-Pei. You go to an antique auction and someone bids on you. Your leg of lamb has a hip replacement. You have to wear pants with air bags to protect yourself. Your belt…

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An Excentric Look Into The Future

Mar 2, 2014
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In April, our crack Excentric staff take a look at Spring Break 2014. With thousands of college students expected to flock to party cities around the country, wrecking havoc on bars and hotels. Hopefully, this reveler is posing for friends looking to have their picture go viral on social media. With cameras on every cell phone, everyone is  subject to being caught on film. Maybe Senator Rand Paul and Freedom Works could get a class-action lawsuit against cell phone makers for invasion of privacy.   Related posts: An Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future Back…

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Typical Excentric Reader

Feb 28, 2014
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This month’s typical Excentric Readers is Tom Buroojy currently from New Jersey, formerly from Sedona. Here is a photo from my trip to Norway. Edvard Munch was so impressed with the Sedona Excentric that he painted “The Scream” to illustrate his “approval” of this infamous paper. One can easily imagine that Edvard Munch captured the look on most people’s faces when they first figured out the Sedona Excentric was satire. The Excentric is one of the best examples of life imitating art. Often, our staff members observe first-time Excentric readers in the exact pose of the subject in the famous…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

Feb 28, 2014
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BETTING NEWS: New Jersey’s grid-iron guessing camel died just weeks before the state is set to host its first Super Bowl. Princess was a fixture at the Popcorn Park Zoo for 10 years and gained fame for picking winners. Princess correctly’ picked the Baltimore Ravens last year. In the 2008 season, she picked 17 of 22 games correctly, including the Steelers super Bowl XLIII win. Due to her demise, Vegas odds makers are looking for a new pigskin picking pet. HAUNTING NEWS: A couple put the house in northeastern Pennsylvania up for sale last month, they advertised it as “slightly…

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Curmudheon Corner

Feb 27, 2014
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cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: REALITY “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” A. Einstein “It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.” Philip K. Dick “Everything is the way it is because we’ve all agreed that’s the way it is.” Charles de Lint “Imagination might be scarier than reality … but not…

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In 1955, they had sold over 1 million

Feb 25, 2014
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A new study on businesses franchises that celebrated over 50 years in business. In that time, McDonald’s has grown into a world-wide empire. In January 2012, the company announced revenue for 2011 reached an all-time high of $27 billion, and that 2400 restaurants would be updated and 1300 new ones opened worldwide. While their burgers remain a low-cost item on their menu, many of their employees still struggle to put food on their tables. Sadly, in today’s economy, slinging burgers is longer just a kid’s job. Related posts: Entertainment In and Around Sedona The Government, Part Whatever, IIIish

Now That’s Cute!

Feb 24, 2014
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The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at Cute – not the Justin Bieber or Taylor Swift cute, but true cute – the kind of cute you find only in adorable puppies and kittens, especially when they are asleep. This kitten couldn’t be any cuter. Our mascot Moshe, likes to sleep with her arms wrapped around something – usually one of our writer’s arms. If you turn back to Page 4 in this issue (incase you are flipping through the pages looking at the pictures) you will find an eye opening article from “Buckshot,” the cat who lives with…

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Feeling Just A Little Squirrely…

Feb 21, 2014
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The Sedona Excentric investigative team looks into the antics of squirrels. Upon returning from a trip to the Grand Canyon, one staff member relayed a story of he and his nephew sitting on a rock overlooking the canyon when he was approached by a begging squirrel. The pestering rodent stood on its hind legs and tugged at his shirt. He gave the squirrel a small piece of apple. The diminutive animal happily stole off with the booty, consumed the fruit and promptly came back for more. Evidently, visitors to the Grand Canyon have been tossing edible tidbits to the critters…

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How The Internet Really Got Started . . .

Feb 20, 2014
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In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doest thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?” And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel…

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Astrology For The Weak

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Your bond with friends and family members will be stretched, but you will inspire people to start being more flexible. Even your pet will give Toga Yoga a try. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March  11) This month, you will find yourself laughing, then weeping, then jumping for joy, then feeling a little melancholy. Get yourself some hormone shots for Pete’s sake. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Some super intense emotions about work, your love life or dearest friend will surface this month. Whoa! What if your work is loving your dearest friend? ARIES…

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Horoscopes for April 13-19, 2014

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Get out there and workout in April. Otherwise, your joints, brain, lungs and heart will start complaining. Remember to shower or everyone around will complain. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Contort yourself into whatever pretzels you comfortably can manage, and you’ll emerge suppler and more successful. You’ll also go great with brown mustard. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Your innate sensitivity to what’s happening around you plays a huge role in how you navigate tricky situations. Running, ducking, hiding, lying – all innate. ARIES (April 18 – May 13) You’ll be in…

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Horoscopes for March 30-April 5, 2014

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Early this month, your brain is extremely active and it’s making you very productive and ambitious. Don’t panic, you’ll be back to addled in no time at all. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You will find yourself feeling like a surfer navigating waves of emotion. Then it happens – wipe-out! Your emotional house goes under water. File for bankruptcy. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You may sense a person in a position of authority is subtly flirting with you. Then again, you have been adding a lot of leafy greens to your diet. Toothpick? ARIES (April…

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Astrology For The Weak

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You will have an epiphany and look for good deeds to perform this month. After all, a look at your past reveals that your karma needs a boost – and how! AQUARIUS (February 16 – March  11) For some reason, you will feel lazy and lethargic on weekdays this month, but find yourself rejuvenated over the weekends. Your employer has the same concerns. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This month, you will decide to travel, only to find you are on the no-fly, no-train, no-bus, no-rental car, no-hitchhiking terrorist list. Bust out the…

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Horoscopes for March 16-22, 2014

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) A bunch of planets move through Pluto, influencing you to expand your view of the world and your place in it. Unfortunately, you will also expand your waistline. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) The celestial atmosphere encourages you to actively pursue someone altogether eligible. That’s good, because you usually pursue those altogether ineligible. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You usually think you’re right, but you can be wrong, of course. Much like this astrological forecast. The month of March will the best of your entire life. Or not. ARIES (April 18 –…

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Horoscopes for March 9-15, 2014

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Mars quincunx Pluto and Saturn squares Pluto, bringing some tension to the areas of your chart of finances. Since Pluto is officially no longer a planet, no biggee. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) In March, it may seem the world is moving too quickly for you and you may secretly have to make concessions. You just might bring honor back to fast food. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) By nature, relationships cause new feelings and sometimes present challenges in understanding. This month you’ll try to understand why you have no relationship. CANCER (June…

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Horoscopes for March 2-8, 2014

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month you will embark on a journey to discover your inner self. A wrong turn down the trail and you’ll find yourself in the middle of a spiritual safari gone awry. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll have flashbacks of someone in authority saying that you will rue the day. You didn’t know what they meant, but in March, you will rue at least one day. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will discover a hitherto unknown talent for finding odoriferous elements in everyday life. You’ll eventually quit your job at the…

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Horoscopes for February 23-March 1, 2014

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) February is emotional and weird which, means your family is involved. Bring your friends into the mix and you can add strange and border line illegal. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You start the month off on the right foot, with a deep sense of what you want. But you’re not thinking – you’re left footed. No Dancing With The Stars for you. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You’ll be dreaming big and setting the tone for the weeks to come. You’ll be radiant. You’ll be impressive. You’ll brighten the lives of…