September 16, 2014

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    Typical Excentric Reader

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    This month’s typical Excentric Readers is Nan Anders, who hails from Sun City, AZ. Nan is pictured here on vacation in front of the Lone Cypress, one of the most photographed trees in North America. The really old tree is located between two of world’s most well known golf courses. The cypress has been scarred by fire and has been held in place with cables for 65 years. While Nan is considerably younger than Lone Cypress, and not held together with wires, she stands a majestic figure in her own right. Related posts: Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader ….

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    Beyond Belief: Fact or Fiction . . . By Bishop, Special Excentric Savant

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    Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me truth.                                                                          H.D. Thoreau While they were drinking shots of primordial vodka, gorging on caviar and sharing philosophies, the then-jolly Soviet leader gave the then-President Nixon a slice of advice: Alleged Khrushchev: “The trick is tell the people there is a river over there. And if they say they don’t see it, if they say there is no river over there, tell them to look harder, there is a river over there.” Of course, the Soviet propaganda was nurturing Nixon’s imaginings, perhaps thinking such a tip would help Tricky Dick get some…

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    Mustard . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

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    Do you have any idea how many types of mustard are out there? If you thought there were a lot of different brands of hot sauce, you ain’t seen nothin’ until you’ve investigated mustard. There’s good old fashioned yellow mustard (the kind you put on your hot dog at the ball game), coarse ground mustard, sweet mustard, vinegar mustard, spicy brown mustard, honey mustard, horseradish mustard, and on, and on, and on. My Daddy (who was a mountain man, through and through) used to make his own mustard. He took great pride in his patch of mustard vines, which needed…

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    That Really Bunches My Panties . . . by Brendon Marks

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    Whenever two or more runners get together to chat, invariably the subject of chip timing comes up. It’s the rare runner who is ambivalent about the subject. You’re either for it or you’re against it, and usually with great passion. For those folks who don’t know what chip timing is, I’ll explain. For those folks who don’t care, bear with me and you may change your mind. You buy or borrow a chip that’s about the size of a quarter that is associated with a unique serial number, fasten it to your shoe, stuff in your sock, or duct tape…

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    NUDISTS’ CONVENTION HERE

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    Pictured is one of the locations being consider by leaders of a group of people representing vacationing nudists from around the world. Each year they seek out a new beautiful location to do a little sun worshiping and fill in their tan lines. They do their best to avoid places where ogling spectators gather, whistling and cat calling and generally harassing the peaceful, unfettered clean air lovers. At times, unsuspecting hikers or campers stumble across a person or group sunbathing without the constriction of clothing. For some nudists, it is a medical issue, as they have allergies to GMO cotton seeds….

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Kozmik Korner by Lush Gumball

Sep 12, 2014
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Q:  I read the strangest thing. Some guy with a drinking problem lost his front partial between visiting a bar and a bank. His girlfriend accused him of puking them off into a toilet and flushing them away. He couldn’t recall where they got off to. A year later, after the couple had separated, he was visiting her. She woke one morning to find his teeth sitting in her kitchen sink. He accused her of swiping them and making him miserable. She contends they were returned by prankster spirits. What do you think? A: Prankster spirits, drinking problem – funny!…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

Sep 12, 2014
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THREE DAYS A terminal condition called Old Age is on my tail! With three days left to live I feel Great pressure not to fail! And, so, I have decided to be Happy ’til the end! — To smile and laugh and giggle ’til I finally ascend! And, if, three days from now I find I’m still not drawing flies, I’ll tack another three days on And postpone my goodbyes. And, three days hence, if once again I’m still not feeding worms, I’ll add another three to find I’ve lately come to terms With something that’s eluded me! It’s simple,…

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A Dedication and Remembrance!

Sep 11, 2014
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Every September since 2001, we have placed this picture on this page in memory of first responders and unsung heroes of everyday life in America. We tend to forget what makes us special. We are the people that run toward the fire to help someone in need. we are the people that reach out a hand to help someone up who is down. We are the people who, in spite of color, religious and political differences, march together against social injustice. We are the people who demand the right to vote, the right to peacefully assemble, the right to pursue…

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TOP 10 Darwin Awards . . . Unbelievable

Sep 11, 2014
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10. It was reported that in Australia in 1989 a Kung-Fu student tried to take on a lion at the Melbourne zoo in one on one, man to cat combat. As confirmed, the highly unbelievable story goes, during his martial arts class the instructor commented on how well the class was doing and how they were “ready to take on the wild animals.” One young gentleman decided to try his hand at lion fighting. The irony is that his hands were the only things left when the lions were finished with him. 9. You are locked out of your house…

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New Immigrant Requirements

Sep 4, 2014
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Not known for their rippling abdomens, migratory workers are now being forced to resort to wearing these new ready made rubberized six-pack abs. The owner of an Arizona pecan grove interviewed these two migratory workers to pick his nuts. Observing their superb physique, the plantation grower and processor was so impressed he hired both men on the spot. Of course, following pecan harvesting season, they, like other migrant workers, will be forced to move on to pick something else.   Related posts: Latest in Apartment Living Crackdown on Immigration The Curse of 2611 West Highway 89A The Government, Part Whatever,…

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Excentric Look Into The Future

Sep 4, 2014
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In October, our staff takes a look at the matching of pets with their guardians. As one can easily determine from this photo, the facial features of this woman are similar to the expression offered by the mastiff taking up the entire back seat of the vehicle. Comparisons of guardians of tropical fish proved to be more difficult to pair. Related posts: An Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future Excentric Look Into The Future… An Excentric Look Into The Future

Cheap Halloween

Aug 30, 2014
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In October, Excentric staff members take a look at people who celebrate Halloween without spending money on costumes or masks. In today’s economy people are finding many ways to cut back. Some are cooking at home more often, no matter how bad the food tastes, while others have reduced the amount of cash they normally would lay out for various non-essentials. This lovely woman is a perfect example of someone looking to save their hard earnings for something other than a disguise for All Hallows Eve. It appears she is going for the local Chupa Cabra look alike. With her…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

Aug 12, 2014
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BAD AFLAC NEWS: A New Hampshire woman who called police after stopping in a highway median to help some stranded ducklings plans to fight a $44 ticket. The only reason the police showed up was because the woman called them after braking to avoid killing the ducks. The mother and many ducklings had been run over and lay dead on the highway. Hopefully, this cop doesn’t have any animals at home. WRONG DOOR NEWS: Police say a man who fled from a Mississippi traffic stop was apparently so focused on getting away he unknowingly ran into a law enforcement academy….

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Curmudgeon Corner

Aug 12, 2014
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cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: HONESTY “I hold the maxim no less applicable to public than to private affairs, that honesty is the best policy.” George Washington “Honest people don’t hide their deeds.” Emily Bronte “Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise.” Sigmund Freud “The truth is never dangerous. Except when told.” Philip Moeller “An honest man…

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Someone Please Send Me A Sign . . .

Aug 11, 2014
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Any wonder people are confused when it comes to trusting signs? Whether it’s placed by a state, federal or local agency, it is a job often going to the lowest bidder and rarely supervised by the group writing the check. Rather than remove the red sign pictured below, the town who had a change of council that decided it was wrong to prohibit pets from being allowed in front of their offices, instead submitted a new contract for a sign permitting pets as long as they were leashed. The road sign is a bit more confusing. While directing drivers to…

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Big Picture Page

Aug 10, 2014
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The Sedona Excentric Task Force captures a moment. Upon realizing he had just signed away the opportunity for another championship NBA title, Lebron James says goodbye to Miami, Florida and hello to Cleveland, Ohio – again. While he is going home to the Cavaliers, people who thought he was part of their Florida family are beyond shocked and dismayed. One man who painted a mural of James and the other Heat players covered up James’ face in anger. Some thought this photo was taken when James won his first championship ring. Others believe the photo was taken after he read…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

Aug 7, 2014
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GLUTEN DEPENDENCY  I’ve taken up the mantle in    Defense of noble wheat Which, at the hands of gluten, may    Face ultimate defeat! Although I’ve suffered bloating and    Fatigue and canker sores, Joint pain and diarrhea and    Bad dreams and gagging snores And changes in behavior and    Small fractures of my head And bulky stools and rashes when    I glimpse a crumb of bread, And know that these are symptoms in    “The Celiac Checklist Of Glutenesque Intolerance,”    But, still, I must resist, For in my fluffy, rising soul    I am a gluten…

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The Truth Behind Contrails

Aug 6, 2014
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The Sedona Excentric crack staff members take a look at the heretofore unexplained increase in contrails in the skies above the Verde Valley. Our crack staff members sat perched high in a tree for weeks, descending only to eat and use the potty. Our people were armed with really long straws, hoping to catch super-sonic jets in action spewing toxic artificial vapor clouds to be tested by experts to discern their chemical content. In the late 1990s, theories cropped up about the government spraying chemicals in to the atmosphere for a variety of reasons.Some believed they were attempting to control…

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Darwin Awards . . . Stored in the Archives

Aug 5, 2014
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Ten examples of some of the dumbest criminals. All of them were American citizens. Go figure. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked….. The chef at a Swiss hotel lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting, negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the…

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Scotch With Water

Aug 3, 2014
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A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotchwith two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.’ The bartender says ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’ As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’ The old woman says ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming up’ says the…

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Excentric Look Into The Future…

Aug 2, 2014
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In September, our staff takes a look at the luck of the Irish. Find a 4-leaf clover and enjoy good luck and prosperity forever. For even better luck, kiss the blarney stone or catch a leprechaun. For the best luck of all, find the pot o’ gold at the end of a rainbow. Just remember, that more often than not, the pot will contain something not quite as valuable as gold. Whatever you do, don’t kiss it. Related posts: An Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

Jul 13, 2014
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PRIESTLY THEFT NEWS: Police arrested three 22-year-old men after someone reported seeing someone wearing vestments stolen from the St. Joseph Roman Catholic Church in Gardner, Massachusetts. Police say they have a motive, but are not making it public until they finish the investigation, and it was not anti-religious. Some speculate it was to boost fund raising while washing windshields. INTERCEPTED PASS NEWS: Michigan authorities say a man tried to throw a football loaded with drugs and cell phones into the yard of a state prison with the football landing between two fences. It was reported that the ball contained heroin,…

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Curmudgeon Corner

Jul 12, 2014
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cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: REALITY “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” A. Einstein “The people who say you are not facing reality actually mean that you are not facing their idea of reality. Reality is above all else a variable. With a firm enough commitment, you can sometimes create a reality which did not…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Jul 12, 2014
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Q:  I often read articles about menacing ghosts, puzzling poltergeists, Bigfoot sightings and extraterrestrial abductions. As I read these articles, I discover that many are written by adults who are recalling incidents that took place during their childhood. I often wonder if they are just writing stories for the sake of seeing their tales in print or are allowing their imaginative recollections to infiltrate their sensibilities. Why would people in their twenties or older write about odd happenings from their childhood? A: I really don’t know. Perhaps their memory was repressed due to the fright and horror they experienced. Or…

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Nice Boots!

Jul 11, 2014
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The Sedona Excentric crack staff members take a look at two-toned boots as a new summer fashion statement throughout the southwest. While traveling in her hot rod through small towns, attending antique car shows, this person takes time out to pose with her car and show off her boots. It seems her boots were a big hit with passerby, as many people, especially men, admiring her boots asked for a photograph. Made of mixed leathers, the boots instep uppers match the belt worn by the roadster owner. Our own staff members tried to get the woman to divulge where she…

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Long Live the Occult . . . By Bishop Special Excentric Necromancer

Jul 10, 2014
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Where no hope is left, is left no fear – J.Milton Riding the technological bandwagon, life is changing seemingly faster than time itself. Truth be told, the rush to the Internet has created casualties in our daily lives. Harken to the words from The Stone, a philosophical volume of small circulation but enormous power. Indeed as we learn new skills from Tweeting to Texting to preferring the virtual to real action, other proficiencies are going by the wayside: The art of conversation, the art of being present, the art of looking at people, and that’s for openers. Nonetheless, some features…

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More Politics For Dummies . . .

Jul 5, 2014
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Our crack staff takes a look at global climate change and the denial by some politicians that humans are partly responsible. Actually, it is quite understandable. These same politicians believe the Flinstones were real and sexual orientation can be cured with liniment and a marathon of Scared Straight movies. In this picture, an innocent boy confronts a lizard women (further proof that people lived among dinosaurs). Though politicians have the power to reduce carbon emissions, they would rather convince Lizard Lady to buy more sun screen. Related posts: Politics For Dummies . . . Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

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An Excentric Look Into The Future

Jul 4, 2014
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In August, our staff takes a look at popular television shows involving Amish people, like Breaking Amish and Amish Mafia. Now, under direction of Sir William, a new show is being shot featuring a young group of Amish beachcombers relocated from Pennsylvania to the sands of the New Jersey shore. Amish Gone Bass is sure to be a big hit on some high numbered cable channel. Related posts: An Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future Excentric Look Into The Future…

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Astrology For The Weak

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) It could be that your first reaction to an emotional dilemma is to drown your sorrows in drink. But, realize that if that works, you’ll have to keep on drinking. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Don’t keep bouncing around from one thing to the next in order to avoid the obvious. Stick with one thing and only one thing even if you completely suck at it. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This month, you will be your most sincere, honest, and appealing. It won’t matter much, as most people will see right…

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Horoscopes for September 7-13, 2014

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You will find it effortless to turn away from the dramatically unsocial people in your life and not ever look back again. Probably because they can run so fast. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Some forecasts have pies and rubber chickens flying in your path. That is ridiculous. The stars show you dodging gluten free carrot cakes and rubber duckies. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Just like a long race in the Olympics, you may want to pace yourself. Winning the first lap isn’t important, it’s finishing first. It’s a metaphor for…

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Horoscopes for August 31-September 6, 2014

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) People will talk out of the sides of their mouths this month and your communication skills will be tested. Fortunately, for you, you speak fluent jibberish. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) This month, try to avoid signing or agreeing to anything, and things will turn out all right, like those traffic tickets or divorce papers or prenuptial agreement. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Love and kisses and romance and more love and more kisses and more romance and more and more and more love and kisses and romance. Too bad you’re alone….

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Horoscopes for August 17-23, 2014

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will begin channeling in ancient Sumerian. At first people will be impressed. But soon a translator reveals you’ve been channeling a really bad stoned comedian. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will try to avoid contact with people this month. After exhausting every hiding place, you’ll choose a closet in the Capital, but will find it full of politicians. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will be dogged by a couple on a scooter all month. Finally, you’ll stop and ask them to stop. Instead, they will become the first in your flock of faithful…

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ASTROLOGY FOR THE WEAK

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) When it comes to love, you are letting your brain do too much of the driving. You could let your heart take the wheel, but, sadly, it only has a learner’s permit. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March  11) You will be emotionally damaged and even require special attention when you finally look a gift horse in the mouth and the gift horse proceeds to bite your face. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This month, you will experience conflict when Uranus enters some kind of retrograde usually devoted to Mercury. Whatever you do, avoid…

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Horoscopes for April 6-12, 2014

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ARIES (Aprch 21 – April 19) Closed-door meetings may seem intimidating, but they aren’t always about you. Also, just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean you’re not being followed. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) In April, the rising of the new moon could very well bring you a new partner, possibly making your old partner flash you with a new moon. Yikes! GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month, the bright light of the Sun shines on your house of dreams, revealing what were once private thoughts. Everyone will then know you’re a kinky weirdo. CANCER (June 21 – July…

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Horoscopes for August 3-9, 2014

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This month, try to avoid signing or agreeing to anything, and things will turn out all right, like those traffic tickets or divorce papers or prenuptial agreement. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Love and kisses and romance and more love and more kisses and more romance and more and more and more love and kisses and romance. Too bad you’re alone. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Some call you childlike, and on a month like this it’s hard to deny. It’s so hot you’ll dig a big hole in your yard, strap…

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Horoscopes for July 27-August 2, 2014

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This month, your imagination, dreams and fantasies will provide other people with entertainment. Little did anyone know what a comedian you can be. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You are in super great shape on the extremely the whole month of July. Look for really good news and lots of wet, sloppy kisses. Somebody’s getting a puppy! PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You’re better off kicking back and observing than trying to make things happen in July. If you can eavesdrop a bit, you’ll learn what they really think about you. ARIES…