November 21, 2017

  • Scientific Team Creates Synthetic Sperm…by Blodwyn Smythe

    For years, a small team of women scientists have been secretly working on the invention of synthetic sperm that could be inseminated into a woman’s fallopian tubes. As the ovulation process occurs, the spermites (as they are currently tagged by its creators) would then swim upstream on a quest to fertilize an egg. Women have argued for decades that the primary reasons for the existence of men was to mow the lawn, open jars with stubborn lids and provide sperm for procreation. Now that riding mowers are more affordable and an electric jar lid remover has hit the market, the…

  • F’ing Chutes and Ladders…by Will Durst

    Here’s the deal: You don’t start out by calling someone an “f’ing moron.” That’s a final exclamatory heave after exhausting all other slanders. Fool. Jerk. Pinhead. Nitwit. Idiot. Nincompoop. Moron. Until finally… f’ing moron. It doesn’t quite scale the heights of “total f’ing moron” or “banana faced monkey dribbler,” but it’s close. So Rex Tillerson must have been at the end of his rope when he flung that particular phrase of scorn and contempt at Donald Trump. Sounds like a spontaneous human explosion stemming from a well of frustration so deep it echoes. The sort of expletive one blurts out…

  • No News From Doodlebug Island…by William F Jordan

    A peppery centenarian, James Watchkiss, celebrated another birthday this week, and was given a ticker-tape parade through downtown Doodlebug, riding in a rickshaw pulled by barmaids from Barney’s grog shop. “Take me where you will, but I’m like an old library book and must be checked back in for my afternoon nap. Orpheus won’t wait!” Well, the parade ended at the plaza where we gave him a noisy welcome and where someone had arranged a microphone. There were a couple speeches short in length but long in praise, then James was asked to speak. “This has been very nice,” he…

  • That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks

    Downsizing, rightsizing, reduction in force, no matter what they call it, the end result is fewer employees doing the same or more work. A side benefit of this effort is less floor space required. Another approach is to maximize employee density. Managers, working with the facilities department, have become very creative when it comes to packing more employees into the same or less floor space. Constructing cubicles with movable partitions has been an effective tool in this effort for the last few years. The initial idea was very simple–just make each cubicle smaller. But there is a finite limit to…

  • No News From Doodlebug Island…by William F Jordan

    Opening my mail one morning last week, I found what I considered a pointed but rather humorous ‘Letter to the editor’ written by a fellow Islander Monte Mastel, and, after much soul-searching, I created space for it in the next edition of the Doodlebug Run-on, which I edit and publish. The latter comes out weekly although the exact day of the week is something of a crap shoot. Tuesday is the target day, but if nothing newsworthy has announced itself, or if a story is taking its own sweet time coming together, Wednesday or Thursday will do just fine. And,…

FEATURED SEDONA EDITION

F’ing Chutes and Ladders…by Will Durst

Oct 23, 2017

Here’s the deal: You don’t start out by calling someone an “f’ing moron.” That’s a final exclamatory heave after exhausting all other slanders. Fool. Jerk. Pinhead. Nitwit. Idiot. Nincompoop. Moron. Until finally… f’ing moron. It doesn’t quite scale the heights of “total f’ing moron” or “banana faced monkey dribbler,” but it’s close. So Rex Tillerson must have been at the end of his rope when he flung that particular phrase of scorn and contempt at Donald Trump. Sounds like a spontaneous human explosion stemming from a well of frustration so deep it echoes. The sort of expletive one blurts out…

Hateful Haters Hating Hate…by Will Durst

Sep 23, 2017

Someone please tell the radical left to stop getting their panties in a bundle and quit calling our president a Nazi. Donald Trump proved himself a great friend of freedom when he promoted equivalency between the organized hate movement and people disgusted by them. Anyone who hates haters is equally responsible for hateful hating. That is obvious. After a riot broke out during a Unite the Right March in Charlottesville, Virginia, there was, according to President Trump, violence “on many sides.” He then sagely observed there are two sides to every story. Which is true. There are two sides to…

Thermonuclear Chicken…by Will Durst

Aug 20, 2017

Time to dig a bomb shelter. Stockpile some Kool- Aid. Nibble some Tootsie Rolls while catching a double feature at the drive- in. Pull out your pedal pushers and Hula- hoops. Stick a transistor radio in a front shirt pocket and Twist yourself into the ground replicating the gyrations of Elvis. Presley. Not Costello. Hipsters with clunky glasses and skinny ties should feel right at home as the world sinks back into the Eisenhower Era, with a new Missile Crisis currently and clumsily unfolding before our very eyes. It’s a knock- down, drag- out battle of incendiary rhetoric between the…

Make America Jurassic Again…by Will durst

Jun 20, 2017

President Donald Trump possesses a style described by friends as virile and intuitive and by foes as oafish and oblivious. Some see him a breath of fresh air, with a disarming directness and others consider him a blustering bully with the grace of a pile of crumbling cement blocks cascading off a flatbed truck. Passionate versus fool-hardy. Eager slash hasty. Swift or rash. But these are principally domestic arguments. The international community is not so divided. They view our new Chief Executive as a brutish barbarian whose goal is to antagonize the rest of the planet. Not just the other…

Family Reunions

Jun 20, 2017

Guess what? It’s time to start planning for that event that strikes a chill in the heart of every true guy. The dreaded Arizona Family Reunion! WOW, what a thrill. Here we go again, or do we? Remember last year when the kids had the famous lemonade fight in the back seat of the car? How about the time you took the wrong turn because your wife was holding the map upside down and you ended up in the middle of the desert? All those memories pale in comparison to the time you waited in a three-hour detour in 100-degree…

Gubernatorial Candidate

Jun 20, 2017

POLITICAL NEWS: In Minnesota, anyone who pays the $300 filing fee can get on the gubernatorial ballot. This year, Jonathon Sharkey, a blood-drinking satanic priest, who supports the impaling of terrorists, rapists, drug dealers and other criminals, and whose platform includes an emphasis on education, tax breaks for farmers and better benefits for veterans has thrown his kamelaukion in the ring. SAFE SEX NEWS: A Tulua, Colombia councilman wants to require everyone in town 14 or older to carry a condom to prevent pregnancy and disease, outraging local priests. William Pena said he will present a proposal to force all…

An Arizona Summer

Jun 20, 2017

The birds need oven mitts just to sit on a wire. The trees are whistling for the dogs for a little relief. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance from store. Hot water now comes out of both taps. Ranchers are feeding chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs. You can make sun tea instantly, in the shade. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes for a pretty good branding iron. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and…

Exorcism on Robin Hood’s Grave

Jun 20, 2017

Q: I read recently that a malefic force was emanating from the grave of Robin Hood, in a secluded woodland on the grounds of Kirklees Hall near Brighouse, West Yorkshire, England. Rumors of hauntings prompted a group of psychic experts to conduct a full scale exorcism at the grave in April, 2005. Could Robin Hood’s spirit really have turned evil? A: My guess is the people who were spooked by his essence were probably the descendants of the Sheriff of Nottingham or the Bishop of Hereford. Q: I just took a course on scrying, the ancient act of divination for the purpose…

Cornville Anniversary Gifts

Jun 20, 2017

Year 1 – Paper…Copy of your pre-nup claiming sheep possession Year 2 – Cotton…A small, wet t-shirt Year 3 – Leather…A loin cloth made with real loin Year 4 – Book…A checkbook balanced by a visiting relative Year 5 – Clock…A printout of her biological clock Year 6 – Iron…A seasoned frying pan Year 7 – Copper…Seven shiny pennies Year 8 – Bronze…A framed picture of you and your sheep Year 9 – Pottery…A cremation urn Year 10 – Tin…Beer cans saved from wedding limo Year 11 – Steel…A box of steel wool you stole Year 12 – Linen…A bag…

The Curse of 2611 West Highway 89A

Jun 20, 2017

View of Thunder Mountain from 2611 W. Highway 89A The Word Around Town Asking about Thai Spices restaurant moving from its previous location to 2611 West Highway 89A causes many people to just shake their head. “I don’t know what it is about that location,” you hear time and again, “but no restaurant ever seems to make it there.” Then the litany of restaurants that have occupied the single story building with views of Thunder Mountain begins: the old Osho Cafe, Savannah’s, Wild Orchid and, most recently, a French restaurant that only lasted about three weeks. Various reasons are then…

Strange & Cool Sedona Stuff

Jun 20, 2017

Painting My World: Gambel Quails and Swirling Skies Fri, 21 Jun 2013 We were pleasantly surprised by the Gambel Quail family that showed up while we had our morning coffee. First daddy quail came into view to check it out. We had out down some seed. Then he called for mommy and over she scooted with about 15 babies in tow … Gazing from the Vortex – Braco Live Stream Parties in Sedona Wed, 19 Jun 2013 Our first live stream party was when they were live streaming from Zagreb for Braco’s birthday from 8pm to 8am Sedona time. At…

Frosty No More

Jun 20, 2017

The Excentric World Special Task Force takes at look at the effects of climate change. While many politicians deny that climate change even exists, and others find no correlation between the deterioration of the protective ozone layer and pollutant emissions from the tools of humans, scientists have declared a potential state of emergency. A look at major cities around the world should be evidence enough that we are choking ourselves to death, never mind the dramatic rise in cases of basal cell skin carcinomas. Combustible automobile and truck engines, gas powered mowers and blowers contribute greatly to harmful particulates floating in…

Cross of the Sun

Jun 20, 2017

Although wine is my expertise, I’m an aficionado of all types of tasty beverages. And one item that I enjoy in particular is good quality tequila. While out wine tasting one recent afternoon, I managed to be in the right place at the right time and was able to taste some tequila that I can simply describe with one word: outstanding! Not only was it a taste treat, but it turned out to be a locally owned label, and is my feature for this month, Cruz del Sol Tequila. While the full name of the brand may be Cruz del Sol,…

PRESIDENT RASKOLNIKOV

May 20, 2017

The firing of FBI Director James Comey by the President of the United States slammed Washington with the suddenness of a two- story bowling ball hitting the South Portico after being dropped from a blimp. And the repercussions have shot across the Capitol like a flurry of Kansas tornadoes, causing the entire Beltway to chant, “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.” A variety of reasons were given for the hasty dismissal. The FBI is in turmoil. Comey lost the confidence of the FBI rank and file. He did a lousy job. Way too tall. Has weird…

Father Knows Best?

May 20, 2017

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: FATHERING “There is too much fathering going on just now and there is no doubt about it, fathers are depressing.” –Gertrude Stein “The fundamental defect of fathers, in our competitive society, is that they want their children to be a credit to them.” –Bertrand Russell “Rich men’s sons are seldom rich men’s fathers.” –Herbert…

Meteor Strike in Russia

May 20, 2017

Q:  I, like many others, watched the video recordings of the recent meteor strike in Russia in amazement. It brought back memories of the story of the 1908 fire caused by an explosion in the Siberian forest. There was no crater ever found and the cause of the explosion, 1,000 times the power of the Hiroshima bomb, was never discovered. It is possible solar flares are reaching the earth and being covered up by government officials? A: There is a nut in Russia claiming the recent meteorite hit was the result of a conspiracy. He’s as crazy as politicians who…

Strange Rusty Powder Found on Cars

May 20, 2017

Q: I heard about a strange rusty powder that appeared on cars in the Chicago area recently. Angelo Mavaraganes, who runs a car repair shop, said he has seen it on at least 30 cars. Cars at the police parking lot at Belmont and Western have the rusty powder all over them, too. NBC 5’s Mary Ann Ahern said a lot of people in Chicago want to know what the stuff is that has fallen all over their cars. What do you think caused these occurrences? A: I believe someone from the Windy City bought some of our vortex energy…

Restaurant Ghost

May 20, 2017

Q:  I recently read an article about a restaurant that was haunted. There were reports of odd voices, doors opening and closing on their own, and a bathroom faucet that turns itself on. While in her office one day, the manager heard a loud thump from the kitchen. She investigated and found a large box of plastic wrap on the floor far from where it was placed. Could a former employee be causing these anomalies? A: Could be. It could also be the ghost of a person who ate there and got food poisoning and is looking for a little…

A Paranormals Is Here

May 20, 2017

Q:  I recently read an article about a woman who is demanding a new home for her and her family because she is convinced their house is haunted by the ghost of a man named Nigel. The housing association tenant claims a spiritual presence flicks lights on and off, tampers with appliances, moves posters around the walls and causes the floorboards to creak at the property. Any clue as to how she knows the name of the ghost? A: My guess is the woman lives in England. In America, ghosts are usually named Jim or Steve. Q: A friend told…

Tag, You’re It

May 20, 2017

Excentric World staff members take a look at the increasing lack of connection today’s children are having with playing outdoor games.  Years past, when a child was learning to play hide and go seek, they understood they should be somewhere they might not be easily discovered. Nowadays that concept is futile, as the child can be reached by cell phone and can be easily tagged and made “it.” Longing for the good old days. Related posts: No related posts.

That Really Bunches My Panties

That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks

Downsizing, rightsizing, reduction in force, no matter what they call it, the end result is fewer employees doing the same or more work. A side benefit of this effort is less floor space required. Another approach is to maximize employee density. Managers, working with the facilities department, have become very creative when it comes to packing more employees into the same or less floor space. Constructing cubicles with movable partitions has been an effective tool in this effort for the last few years. The initial idea was very simple–just make each cubicle smaller. But there is a finite limit to…

That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks

The seven-year-old daughter of a friend has reached a milestone in her educational program. She must learn to write cursive, or longhand, as some refer to it. We wonder why. As an adult I know that this is just one of many instances where it becomes necessary to learn something for no apparent reason. Take algebra for example. If it were not for my formal training I would not have been able to determine that the eighteen-ounce box of macaroni was actually a better deal than the two-pound box. But I wonder about cursive. When do you use it, and…

That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks

A few years back I was sitting in my office and heard a sound coming from the parking lot that I had not heard since I left the snowdrifts of upstate New York in April of ’82. It was the sound of a vehicle being shifted alternately between forward and reverse accompanied by the sound of spinning tires. I immediately looked out my Phoenix, Arizona window to see if it had snowed while I was in that last meeting. I was relieved to see that it had not. After all, how far do I have to go to get away…

That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon marks

One Plus Five: By some standards, I grew up in a large family. I have five siblings. A generation before me, eight to ten was typical, and my parents came from typical families. My mother had seven siblings and my father had nine. I have some cousins that were older than my mom was. I was nearly eight when my third brother was about to be born. Counting my older sister and me that would make five. I was worried. My sister had told me that every fifth baby born in the world was Chinese. Of course, back then we…

Be Cool

Starting around May of every year, whenever I have a conversation with one of my relatives from some other part of the country, invariably I hear, “Well, I know it’s nothing like where you are, but it’s sure been hot here the last few days.” Arizona equates to hot. It’s just accepted. There are other places that are hotter, but no one knows anyone who lives there. To be accurate, not all of Arizona is hot. But most of the country thinks Arizona beef is medium-rare while it’s still walking around, chickens lay soft-boiled eggs, and you can just pull…

Campsite Cuisine…by Brendon Marks

I think the smell of charcoal lighter fluid must produce some sort of chemical reaction in men’s brains that causes them to think it is necessary, or even that they are capable of cooking. Or it could be their fascination with open flame. This may explain the need to constantly poke and stir a fireplace, even if it has gas logs. For those men who don’t have a fireplace, this need may be satisfied by constant use of the TV remote control. I have it on good authority that the TV remote control was invented by a man who couldn’t…

That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks

After my “sleeping on the ground” experience my spouse and I decided to invest in one of those aluminum and plastic caps (or shells) that fits on the back of a pick-up. We thought we’d just throw a piece of foam rubber in the back, drive wherever we want, and crawl into the back to sleep. It’s a good theory. The problem is, wherever you can drive, somebody else can drive too, and if they can’t get there in a vehicle, they can on a dirt bike or ATV. We finally found an area unattractive enough so that nobody else…

That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks

As winter slides into the background and the weather improves, many people plan camping trips, to which I say, “To each his own,” but it’s not likely that you’ll run into me in the woods. In the first place, I find it puzzling that the same person who complains about getting down on his hands and knees to retrieve the newspaper out from under a bush will leave the warmth and comfort of a nice bed to go lay in the dirt (regardless of how good the air smells). I suspect that the author of that “Princess and the Pea”…