March 22, 2015

  • winepicmarch2015

    Old World Heritage – Bordeaux . . . by Joel Mann

    When one talks about winemaking in locations such as the United States, Australia and New Zealand, South American, or South Africa, those locations are called the new world. They’re the regions which developed winemaking traditions as European settlers ventured around the globe with grape vine cuttings in hand to stake their own piece of land that reminded them of back home. A poor immigrant had little hope of becoming landed vineyard owners in their native France, Italy, Germany, etc. But wide open frontiers in other places didn’t come with titles, family crests, and other barriers to that dream. A common…

  • doodlebug

    No News from Doodlebug Island . . . by William F. Jordan

    The avidity with which my employee Mark Shockly tackled the grammar texts I assigned him and the mastery he achieved led me to assign him coverage of local news while I handled syndicated material and editorials. But I came to regret my decision when several people stopped me on the street to inquire the meaning of words Mark had used. One person went so far as to swear: “I’ve never seen such vocabulary in my entire life, and I doubt some of those words even exist!” Now, as editor of the Doodlebug Island Run-on, I’m used to catching the brunt…

  • typpicmarch2015

    Typical Excentric Reader . . .

    This month’s Typical Excentric Reader is Randy Seal. His accompanying note stated, “And the Story goes; t’was the very last day of the year 2014 when Randy Seal reads the Sedona Excentric ‘Astrology For The Weak’ to the snow ducks perched in this Cottonwood yard. Lucky Ducks.” Little did Randy know he’d be the last Typical Excentric Reader to grace the pages of this paper. Unless, of course, Randy knows someone who wants to see the publication continue. Thanks, Randy, and all the other Typical Readers. Related posts: Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader

  • bishoppicmarch2015

    Heading For The Last Round-up . . . By Bishop

    “This ain’t the same old range. Everything seems to change. Where are the pals I used to ride with? Gone to a land so strange. – Sons of the Pioneers Remembering the Hopi prophesy, when we dig precious things from the earth, we will invite disaster. Indeed, near the day of purification, cobwebs will spin back and forth while a container of ashes will one day be thrown from the sky that could burn the land and boil the oceans. To the Ancient ones, that situation was dubbed Koyaanisqatsi, meaning life out of balance, “life in turmoil, life disintegrating.” No…

  • ANCHORMAN

    NEWS QUIZ? . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

    Do you watch the news on TV? Good.I have a fun quiz for you. Let’s tune in now… ‘Good evening and thanks for joining us here at Channel One Eyewitness News. I’m Rodney Bighair. In tonight’s top story, President Obama calls upon embattled Mideast leaders to: Blow each other off the map. Kiss and make up. Go jump off a cliff. De-escalate the violence and begin peace negotiations. “In Congressional news, a report released by the House Majority leader reveals that: Most members of Congress think they should unlimited terms. Recently passed campaign finance reform legislation will make a big…

insidethenewspicfebruary2014

Inside The News . . .by David Fidelman

Mar 1, 2015

WHAT FLOATS YOUR BOAT NEWS: A converted crabbing boat that recently became a floating strip club off the shore of an Alaska island, has been beset by legal tangles over safety rules and liquor laws and allegations it’s been dumping human waste into a harbor. So, other than the expired personal location beacon, expired inflatable devices on two life rafts and inoperable navigation sidelights and improperly pumping poop, everything was up to snuff. One would think the biggest issue with the floating house of nudity would be the crabs. SHORT BUS NEWS: A Montana bus driver called 911 to report…

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Curmudgeon Corner

Mar 1, 2015

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: TRAVELING “There are two kinds of travel in the United States, first class and third world.” Bobby Slayton “A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from new York to California; whereas today , because of equipment problems, at O’Hare, you can’t get there at all.”…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

Mar 1, 2015

SEVENTY-SIX My birthday was two weeks ago– Three score and sixteen years!– Which pushed me past the milestone that Articulates slipped gears And qualifies me clearly as A doddering old fool, Who’s lost all of his senses and Subsists on prunes and gruel, Whose cohort is identified As puzzled and confused, Who can’t remember falling down Or how they got so bruised, But still remember Dinah Shore, And Packards that had fins, And kisses at the drive in show, And wars that all had wins! It’s True! I’ve never been this old! But, quote me when I say, “I’ll never,…

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Kozmik Korner by Lush Gumball

Mar 1, 2015

Q: I recently read about a Catholic priest that was legally dead for a quarter of an hour before medic shocked his heart and brought him back. The priest claimed when he awoke that he had died, gone to heaven and met God. The 71-year-old want to continue preaching and tell the story of how God was a bright, loving light, buy clearly feminine. The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Boston hasn’t confirmed that he can return to his flock. Should he be allowed to return to the alter with his story? A: In the history of mankind told everywhere, women…

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Up Is Down . . . by Will Durst, Excentric Contributor

Mar 1, 2015

Best be advised to sit down, pour yourself a beer and take a deep breath. Because you’re about to hear something that will change your life. Forever. Are you relaxed? Good, because everything you know is wrong. Ain’t that always the way. Just when we think we have it all figured out, somebody comes along with information suggesting we’re so off the mark, we might have taken the neighbor’s car to work, slept with our cousin and brushed our teeth with kitchen cleanser. You know who’s holding back the middle class? It’s those darn Democrats. Yes! And all this time…

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Big Picture Page . . .

Mar 1, 2015

Our Special Excentric Public Indecency Staff members take a look at Global Climate Change. During a summit on extreme weather happenings around the world, four disgruntled committee members decided to display their members, welcoming Spring with an al fresco beach party. With no clothing restrictions posted at the secret camp where scientists, climatologists, politicians and religious fanatics gathered to discuss the ramifications of doing nothing to alter the course of earthly destruction, four amigos, representing the deniers participating, attempted to exhibit evidence to the other ninety-six in attendance no harm would come to their usually covered private parts. While their…

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Raising The Retirement Age . . .

Mar 1, 2015

Suffering from the hardship of not receiving royalties from his record publishers, this man, we’ll call him Arthur, has been a street performer for more than 6 decades. He qualified for assistance, but a government employee saw him perform and turned him in for not declaring the change people threw into his basket. Now, some heartless politicians want to take away his health insurance. And, the city has revoked his temporary permits because too many businesses complained he was taking their potential income from tourists and some locals don’t like his style of music. Related posts: Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister…

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An Excentric Look Into The Future

Mar 1, 2015

In April, our crack staff takes a close look into the immigration issue from the perspective of Americans residing primarily in the south. It seems there are a lot of uneducated Americans upset that competent, skilled laborers are being hired by companies in their state at lower wages and with benefits. So, rather than picket the employers, they grab a couple of 24 packs and protest at the border. Related posts: An Excentric Look into The Future . . . Crackdown on Immigration A Look into the Future: Highway Safety An Excentric Look Into The Future

insidethenewspicfebruary2014

INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

Feb 3, 2015

PAPAL NEWS: Pope Francis, addressed climate change in a speech in Manilla, saying man was destroying nature and betraying God’s calling to be stewards of creation. “As stewards of God’s creation, we are called to make the earth a beautiful garden for the human family. When we destroy our forests, ravage our soil and pollute our seas, we betray that noble calling,” he said. The American republican response was that there are other popes who would flat out deny those claims and say that deforestation, off-shore oil drilling and defracking are good. FLYING NUTS NEWS: An executive for Korean Air,…

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Curmudgeon Corner . . .

Feb 3, 2015

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: FUTURE “There is no present or future, only the past, happening over and over again, now.” Eugene O’Neill “He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past.” George Orwell “The past gives you an identity and the future holds the promise of salvation, of fulfillment in whatever…

bigpicpage12february2015

Another Big Picture . . .

Feb 3, 2015

The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at the spate of musicals slated for release by Hollywood in 2015. A remake of the classic Singin’ In The Rain and a musical version of Psycho and a reunion of Olivia Newton John and John Travolta in a Grease sequel, Lubricant, to name just a few. Perhaps the most controversial screen play being written for the cinema is a star-studded musical, The Marshall and the Grey Cardinal. The Marshall is said to be Kim Jung-un and the Grey Cardinal, Vladimir Putin. The two world leaders are placed shirtless on a deserted…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

Feb 3, 2015

GOLDEN SHEEP The winning daily number on The evening TV news, If changed into the losing one, Would save us from the blues: “The losing daily number is One, Two, Three, Four and Five! And, if you haven’t got it, then Be glad you are alive, “Because it’s possible you’ve won Nine hundred million bucks!– Can quit your job and buy a farm And raise a herd of ducks “Or buy a private island with A speedboat and a dock And stargaze from your villa which Is perched high on a rock! “No sense to dash your fantasies, Before you…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Feb 3, 2015

Q: I recently read about a California real estate contractor that was surveying a potential lot for purchase by his client. Because the lot was heavily wooded, the contractor used a drone and recorded his video. While reviewing the footage, he discovered he had captured what appeared to be a Bigfoot wandering through the woods. The alleged Bigfoot seemed to notice the drone and ran from a clearing into thick brush. Have you seen the video? Could it actually be footage of Bigfoot? A: It could, or it could be a tall stranger. My neighbor used a personal drone with…

bigpicpage6february2015

Big Picture Page . . .

Feb 3, 2015

Nothing like proudly parading your prize piglet down the middle of Main Street in middle America. In some towns, this would be considered a strange sight, but others who relish the good-ole-days, dragging your pork around is commonplace for everyone except the pig, of course. This diminutive even-toed ungulate appears to be pulling back against the towing of the mother-son cutest piglet entrants at the annual Fairgrounds Foraging Friends Festival. Suzy, the piglet pictured is favored to win first prize this year, since the entrants’ neighbor’s pig grew too old and fat to enter this year’s contest and, against all…

page3pic1february2015

Happy Saint Valentine’s Day . . .

Feb 3, 2015

Albeit Saint Valentine’s Day is the day of celebratory feasting for many religions, it has morphed into a day when women look to connect or reconnect with a significant other. It is a day and night filled with romance and champagne, touching cards and boxes of chocolate covered cherries packaged in the shape of hearts, Restaurants around the world look forward to Valentine’s Day when filet mignon and lobster reign. Wine and dine time. Roses and other flower arrangements with accompanying love notes delivered by messenger. Gifts of perfume, lingerie and jewelry, or all three for that very special Valentine….

insidethenewspicfebruary2014

INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

Jan 5, 2015

GOING POSTAL NEWS: Police say a man and a woman were going through mailboxes around the town of Sammamish, WA. Townspeople saw the thieve’s vehicle filled with mail and blocked the road. The couple ran. The woman was caught immediately, them stealing a kayak to make his escape in a pond. A neighbor grabbed his own kayak and paddled after the thief, who was up the pond without a paddle and rowing with his hands.   MONKEY BUSINESS NEWS: An injured monkey had fallen between the tracks, after touching high-tension wires at the train station in the north Indian city…

page13pic2october2014

Curmudgeon Corner…

Jan 5, 2015

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner.   This month’s subject: REALITY “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” Albert Einstein “Reality is a question of perspective; the further you get from the past, the more concrete and plausible it seems—but as you approach the present, it inevitably seems incredible.” Salman Rushdie “It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to…

bigpicpage12january2015

Another Big Picture…

Jan 5, 2015

The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at the ramifications of the recent legalization of growing pot in some states of the United States and some isolated cities around the world. Not impressed by the news, this group of pot growers has been gathering in their courtyard as long as they can remember. While they have yet to dry and smoke any of their many horticultural products, they all seem suspiciously mellow. Perhaps the pot plants they grow emit a euphoric pheromone causing one to be naturally laid back, but this group of growers can sit and stare at…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

Jan 5, 2015

A STRETCH The evolution scientists Are tracking a new trend: Our arms, for eons quite unchanged, Have started to extend! The evolutionary leap Began ten years ago– Has escalated ever since, Producing cries of woe From manufacturers of shirts And sweaters, coats and stuff, Who say the sleeves of last year’s clothes Are never long enough! This puzzling phenomenon Caused scientists great pain Until I stepped into the light,Quite eager to explain: Our butts have grown much broader with Each smart phone upgrade bought, Requiring longer arms to take That wider selfie shot! Related posts: Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of…

page2picaugust2013

Kozmik Korner by Lush Gumball

Jan 5, 2015

Q: I’ve been reading story after story of people who claim to be visited by one dead relative or another around Christmas. Some have seen them sitting in armchairs, some heard angelic singing, others just felt their presence, and still others got mysterious phone calls. Charles Dickens set the stage for spiritual visitation with “A Christmas Carol.” Scrooge was visited by ghosts of Christmas past, present and future, but none were related to him. Is Christmas the most popular time of ghostly visitations? A: It would seem it is if your name is Ebenezer Scrooge.   Q: I found an…

brendonpicmarch2015

That Really Bunches My Panties . . . by Brendon Marks

Waldo had a toboggan. I always remember Waldo’s toboggan when the weather turns cold and snow is reported in far-away places. I have many memories of upper New York State winters that serve mainly as reminders of why I left. Many people look forward to skiing, sledding, and generally flopping around in the snow, but I’m not one of them. If I never see another snowflake, I would have no regrets. That doesn’t mean that I never had fun in the snow. When I was considerably shorter than I am now, my parents decided that I would live with them…

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That Really Bunches My Panties . . . by Brendon Marks

“What the heck happened to my sofa?” was all Rick could ask. The fabric and stuffing were completely removed from one arm and all that remained was the wooden frame. Now it was war! Rick and his family were attempting to make a weekend getaway place in the high desert between Flagstaff and Williams, Arizona. They bought a piece of land well off the beaten path and spent their weekends escaping the Phoenix heat while making a place to relax and enjoy themselves. The trouble is, Rick spent two or three days a week trying to establish a toehold in…

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That Really Bunches My Panties . . . by Brendon Marks

A friend showed me a message printed near the bottom edge on the back of a record album jacket: “This Columbia GUARANTEED HIGH FIDELITY recording is scientifically designed to play with the highest quality of reproduction on the phonograph of your choice, new or old. If you are the owner of a new stereophonic system, this record will play with even more brilliant true-to-life fidelity. In short, you can purchase this record with no fear of its becoming obsolete in the future.” I’d like to speak to someone about that. I will admit that at one time you might have…

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That Really Bunches My Panties . . . by Brendon Marks

Have you ever noticed there are certain types of people you just naturally don’t trust? Very near the top of my list is the group who doesn’t drink coffee. To begin with, what do you call these people? You can’t call them “non-coffee drinkers,” because that only suggests that they drink something that’s not coffee, not that they don’t drink coffee. You can’t call them “coffee non-drinkers,” because that implies that they are non-drinkers, and they are coffees, like “teen-age non-drinkers,” which only exist in your imagination, or if you have grandchildren. This is typical of the English language. We…

brendonpicoctober2014

That Really Bunches My Panties . . . by Brendon Marks

I read once that you shouldn’t make your work environment too much like home, or you may not want to leave and therefore become dull by falling prey to the ‘all work and no play’ syndrome. Many occupations (like coal miner, hog farmer, or honey wagon operator) rarely worry about this situation, but office workers must ever be on their guard. I’m an early riser and usually was the first to arrive at work. While wandering the halls one morning it occurred to me that cubicle content says a lot about the occupant. I use to work for a major…

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That Really Bunches My Panties . . . by Brendon Marks

Whenever two or more runners get together to chat, invariably the subject of chip timing comes up. It’s the rare runner who is ambivalent about the subject. You’re either for it or you’re against it, and usually with great passion. For those folks who don’t know what chip timing is, I’ll explain. For those folks who don’t care, bear with me and you may change your mind. You buy or borrow a chip that’s about the size of a quarter that is associated with a unique serial number, fasten it to your shoe, stuff in your sock, or duct tape…

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That Really Bunches My Panties . . . by Brendon Marks

A friend rides a bicycle for exercise. Without making any remarks about his level of wimpiness or about his sitting on a pipe and pedaling like heck just to give his butt a ride, I’ll relate the reason for bringing this up. He was telling me about a runner in his neighborhood who was out every day, knees bandaged, and in obvious pain, sometimes only shuffling along to complete his regimen. He was so impressed by the determination of this runner that he admitted that it was the only time that he doesn’t berate the runner for using the street…

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That Really Bunches My Panties by Brendon Marks

For the last few years, I’ve always been involved in one building project or another. A friend remarked, “You’re going to die with a tool belt on.” I was a little concerned about that because he’s a Baptist minister and I was afraid that he might have some inside information. Like maybe he’s seen a list or something, but whatever will be, will be. It occurred to me that virtually every project that I start has one common factor. It always begins with my hands wrapped around the handle of a shovel. Even the very first job I had as…