August 30, 2014

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    Having A Kegger . . .With Cabernet . . . by Joel Mann, Staff Wine (And Beer) Tasting Guy

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    Packaging decisions are one of the major issues that wineries and winemakers deal with in their business planning cycles. Choosing bottles, getting labels approved, deciding what type of cork to use, or even going with a twist-top closure are all factors that must be weighed and considered. Packing choices have evolved over time as well. Winemakers can forgo bottles for bag-in-a-box casks, can go with specialty cardboard boxes called tetra paks similar to milk and juice containers, or even decide to package their wine in cans such as Sophia from Coppola. One packaging format seeing a revival as wineries compete…

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    Treasure Reserves Discovered . . . By Bishop, Special Excentric Buccaneer

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    Gentle readers perhaps you have heard the tale about the two fishes arguing about the existence of the ocean first told to me by Dr. Blanton amidst a seminar at the Pink Nectar Café on the outskirts of town. Seems that two fish were arguing about the existence of the ocean. The first fish says, “it is all around you. You are surrounded by it. You have lived in the water all your life.” Demands the second fish, “show me! Prove it. Where is this ocean?” Where are lot things, gentle reader, which we can’t see even though it can…

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    Let’s Have An Adventure . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

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    Do you like adventures? Good! So do I. Today’s column is going to be an adventure. I’m going to sit at the keyboard and start typing. I have no idea where we’ll end up! Ready? Here we go. Happy Fourth of July! Yes, I know the Fourth of July is long gone, but I’m writing this on the Fourth of July, so it seems appropriate to at least say something by way of greeting. Did you know that the Fourth of July is a legal holiday? Just in case you’ve never done it before, stop and think just what that…

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    That Really Bunches My Panties . . . by Brendon Marks

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    A friend rides a bicycle for exercise. Without making any remarks about his level of wimpiness or about his sitting on a pipe and pedaling like heck just to give his butt a ride, I’ll relate the reason for bringing this up. He was telling me about a runner in his neighborhood who was out every day, knees bandaged, and in obvious pain, sometimes only shuffling along to complete his regimen. He was so impressed by the determination of this runner that he admitted that it was the only time that he doesn’t berate the runner for using the street…

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    CORNVILLE TO ANNEX SEDONA

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    Pictured is a map showing the proximity from Cornville to Sedona. Cornville, already labeled “The Gateway To Sedona,” has often been the butt of jokes from residents from the surrounding area – even Rimrock, where the only travel comment left on any website from a visitor was “I once drove through Rimrock.” The jokes referencing Cornville even include how it was named. The story goes: A man named Cohen called the registrar’s office in Washington, D.C. and spoke with a woman from the deep south who repeated the name back to him – Cohenville, or so he thought it would…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

Aug 12, 2014
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BAD AFLAC NEWS: A New Hampshire woman who called police after stopping in a highway median to help some stranded ducklings plans to fight a $44 ticket. The only reason the police showed up was because the woman called them after braking to avoid killing the ducks. The mother and many ducklings had been run over and lay dead on the highway. Hopefully, this cop doesn’t have any animals at home. WRONG DOOR NEWS: Police say a man who fled from a Mississippi traffic stop was apparently so focused on getting away he unknowingly ran into a law enforcement academy….

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Curmudgeon Corner

Aug 12, 2014
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cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: HONESTY “I hold the maxim no less applicable to public than to private affairs, that honesty is the best policy.” George Washington “Honest people don’t hide their deeds.” Emily Bronte “Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise.” Sigmund Freud “The truth is never dangerous. Except when told.” Philip Moeller “An honest man…

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Someone Please Send Me A Sign . . .

Aug 11, 2014
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Any wonder people are confused when it comes to trusting signs? Whether it’s placed by a state, federal or local agency, it is a job often going to the lowest bidder and rarely supervised by the group writing the check. Rather than remove the red sign pictured below, the town who had a change of council that decided it was wrong to prohibit pets from being allowed in front of their offices, instead submitted a new contract for a sign permitting pets as long as they were leashed. The road sign is a bit more confusing. While directing drivers to…

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Big Picture Page

Aug 10, 2014
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The Sedona Excentric Task Force captures a moment. Upon realizing he had just signed away the opportunity for another championship NBA title, Lebron James says goodbye to Miami, Florida and hello to Cleveland, Ohio – again. While he is going home to the Cavaliers, people who thought he was part of their Florida family are beyond shocked and dismayed. One man who painted a mural of James and the other Heat players covered up James’ face in anger. Some thought this photo was taken when James won his first championship ring. Others believe the photo was taken after he read…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

Aug 7, 2014
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GLUTEN DEPENDENCY  I’ve taken up the mantle in    Defense of noble wheat Which, at the hands of gluten, may    Face ultimate defeat! Although I’ve suffered bloating and    Fatigue and canker sores, Joint pain and diarrhea and    Bad dreams and gagging snores And changes in behavior and    Small fractures of my head And bulky stools and rashes when    I glimpse a crumb of bread, And know that these are symptoms in    “The Celiac Checklist Of Glutenesque Intolerance,”    But, still, I must resist, For in my fluffy, rising soul    I am a gluten…

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The Truth Behind Contrails

Aug 6, 2014
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The Sedona Excentric crack staff members take a look at the heretofore unexplained increase in contrails in the skies above the Verde Valley. Our crack staff members sat perched high in a tree for weeks, descending only to eat and use the potty. Our people were armed with really long straws, hoping to catch super-sonic jets in action spewing toxic artificial vapor clouds to be tested by experts to discern their chemical content. In the late 1990s, theories cropped up about the government spraying chemicals in to the atmosphere for a variety of reasons.Some believed they were attempting to control…

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Darwin Awards . . . Stored in the Archives

Aug 5, 2014
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Ten examples of some of the dumbest criminals. All of them were American citizens. Go figure. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked….. The chef at a Swiss hotel lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting, negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the…

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Scotch With Water

Aug 3, 2014
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A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotchwith two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.’ The bartender says ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’ As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’ The old woman says ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming up’ says the…

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Excentric Look Into The Future…

Aug 2, 2014
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In September, our staff takes a look at the luck of the Irish. Find a 4-leaf clover and enjoy good luck and prosperity forever. For even better luck, kiss the blarney stone or catch a leprechaun. For the best luck of all, find the pot o’ gold at the end of a rainbow. Just remember, that more often than not, the pot will contain something not quite as valuable as gold. Whatever you do, don’t kiss it. Related posts: An Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

Jul 13, 2014
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PRIESTLY THEFT NEWS: Police arrested three 22-year-old men after someone reported seeing someone wearing vestments stolen from the St. Joseph Roman Catholic Church in Gardner, Massachusetts. Police say they have a motive, but are not making it public until they finish the investigation, and it was not anti-religious. Some speculate it was to boost fund raising while washing windshields. INTERCEPTED PASS NEWS: Michigan authorities say a man tried to throw a football loaded with drugs and cell phones into the yard of a state prison with the football landing between two fences. It was reported that the ball contained heroin,…

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Curmudgeon Corner

Jul 12, 2014
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cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: REALITY “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” A. Einstein “The people who say you are not facing reality actually mean that you are not facing their idea of reality. Reality is above all else a variable. With a firm enough commitment, you can sometimes create a reality which did not…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Jul 12, 2014
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Q:  I often read articles about menacing ghosts, puzzling poltergeists, Bigfoot sightings and extraterrestrial abductions. As I read these articles, I discover that many are written by adults who are recalling incidents that took place during their childhood. I often wonder if they are just writing stories for the sake of seeing their tales in print or are allowing their imaginative recollections to infiltrate their sensibilities. Why would people in their twenties or older write about odd happenings from their childhood? A: I really don’t know. Perhaps their memory was repressed due to the fright and horror they experienced. Or…

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Nice Boots!

Jul 11, 2014
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The Sedona Excentric crack staff members take a look at two-toned boots as a new summer fashion statement throughout the southwest. While traveling in her hot rod through small towns, attending antique car shows, this person takes time out to pose with her car and show off her boots. It seems her boots were a big hit with passerby, as many people, especially men, admiring her boots asked for a photograph. Made of mixed leathers, the boots instep uppers match the belt worn by the roadster owner. Our own staff members tried to get the woman to divulge where she…

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Long Live the Occult . . . By Bishop Special Excentric Necromancer

Jul 10, 2014
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Where no hope is left, is left no fear – J.Milton Riding the technological bandwagon, life is changing seemingly faster than time itself. Truth be told, the rush to the Internet has created casualties in our daily lives. Harken to the words from The Stone, a philosophical volume of small circulation but enormous power. Indeed as we learn new skills from Tweeting to Texting to preferring the virtual to real action, other proficiencies are going by the wayside: The art of conversation, the art of being present, the art of looking at people, and that’s for openers. Nonetheless, some features…

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More Politics For Dummies . . .

Jul 5, 2014
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Our crack staff takes a look at global climate change and the denial by some politicians that humans are partly responsible. Actually, it is quite understandable. These same politicians believe the Flinstones were real and sexual orientation can be cured with liniment and a marathon of Scared Straight movies. In this picture, an innocent boy confronts a lizard women (further proof that people lived among dinosaurs). Though politicians have the power to reduce carbon emissions, they would rather convince Lizard Lady to buy more sun screen. Related posts: Politics For Dummies . . . Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

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An Excentric Look Into The Future

Jul 4, 2014
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In August, our staff takes a look at popular television shows involving Amish people, like Breaking Amish and Amish Mafia. Now, under direction of Sir William, a new show is being shot featuring a young group of Amish beachcombers relocated from Pennsylvania to the sands of the New Jersey shore. Amish Gone Bass is sure to be a big hit on some high numbered cable channel. Related posts: An Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future Excentric Look Into The Future…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

Jun 18, 2014
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BULLY FOR YOU NEWS: “I’m against bullying, but I’m getting damn tired of it being used as a mantra for everything, and the ills of the world. When all most people just have to grow a pair, and stick up for them damn selves.” So says the Juneor of Porterville, California, where, evidently, even the females are encouraged to sport male genitalia. Sounds like the Juneor needs to grow a brain. EDUMACATIONAL NEWS: A Connecticut college dropout was arrested after admitting to calling in two bomb threats to keep her family from learning she had quit Quinnipiac University. She made…

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Curmudgeon Corner . . .

Jun 17, 2014
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cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: DOCTORS “If your time ain’t come not even a doctor can kill you.” American Proverb “The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that “hmmmm” noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won’t come right out and say “UH-oh!” Dave Barry “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

Jun 11, 2014
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A SO SO PIECE So, I’ve a major bone to pick–    So fervently, I’m blue! So let me earnestly explain    So you’ll know what I do! So what I know I know I hear,    So you must hear it too. So let us raise one angry voice    So we can act on cue! So, “so” is what this is about!    So now you glimpse my view! “So” is an on-air pox to purge    So it’s flushed down the loo! “So” starts too many sentences,    “So” is a crutch, a glue, “So” messes up…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Jun 10, 2014
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Q:  I read an article written by an expert on the paranormal where they explained what a ghost might be. According to this person, A ghostly figure can be: a real person; a haunting (an “imprint” of people; a “recording” of sorts); an apparition of the dead; an apparition of the living; a psychic perception; a trick of memory; a trick of perception; a blur brought on by infra-sound; an image caused by phantoms of the brain. How do you know then if you are experiencing a real visitation from someone from the beyond or a trick or brain phantom?…

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Sheep Rancher vs BLM . . .

Jun 9, 2014
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The Sedona Excentric crack staff members take a look a hunters in Wyoming claiming the Bureau of Land and Management is responsible for reintroducing grey wolves to the area that threaten their livelihood. While protected from hunting in most circumstances, the wolves are generally accepted as nature’s way of thinning out the deer population that, in great numbers, can adversely affect vegetation necessary to the survival of other wildlife. This rancher, subsidized by the government for sheep meat and wool, found a loophole in the laws prohibiting the killing of wolves. It seems there is no specific statute that makes…

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More Embarrassing Medical Exams…

Jun 8, 2014
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Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! It seems more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line. Here’s what happened to Kevin: Kevin walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to…

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Politics For Dummies . . .

Jun 3, 2014
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Our crack staff takes a look at the political climate of the upcoming U.S. Senate and House races voters will decide on later this year. Usually the candidate with the most money wins. But, this voting cycle is shaping up to possibly upset the odds makers, or king makers. While some candidates profess to desire little government with low taxes and are willing to turn a blind eye to the needy, others demand no government with no taxes and are happy to watch the needy perish. Funny, thinning the herd seems to be more Darwinian than Biblical. It’s just politics….

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Horoscopes for August 17-23, 2014

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will begin channeling in ancient Sumerian. At first people will be impressed. But soon a translator reveals you’ve been channeling a really bad stoned comedian. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will try to avoid contact with people this month. After exhausting every hiding place, you’ll choose a closet in the Capital, but will find it full of politicians. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will be dogged by a couple on a scooter all month. Finally, you’ll stop and ask them to stop. Instead, they will become the first in your flock of faithful…

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ASTROLOGY FOR THE WEAK

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) When it comes to love, you are letting your brain do too much of the driving. You could let your heart take the wheel, but, sadly, it only has a learner’s permit. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March  11) You will be emotionally damaged and even require special attention when you finally look a gift horse in the mouth and the gift horse proceeds to bite your face. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This month, you will experience conflict when Uranus enters some kind of retrograde usually devoted to Mercury. Whatever you do, avoid…

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Horoscopes for April 6-12, 2014

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ARIES (Aprch 21 – April 19) Closed-door meetings may seem intimidating, but they aren’t always about you. Also, just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean you’re not being followed. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) In April, the rising of the new moon could very well bring you a new partner, possibly making your old partner flash you with a new moon. Yikes! GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month, the bright light of the Sun shines on your house of dreams, revealing what were once private thoughts. Everyone will then know you’re a kinky weirdo. CANCER (June 21 – July…

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Horoscopes for August 3-9, 2014

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This month, try to avoid signing or agreeing to anything, and things will turn out all right, like those traffic tickets or divorce papers or prenuptial agreement. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Love and kisses and romance and more love and more kisses and more romance and more and more and more love and kisses and romance. Too bad you’re alone. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Some call you childlike, and on a month like this it’s hard to deny. It’s so hot you’ll dig a big hole in your yard, strap…

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Horoscopes for July 27-August 2, 2014

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This month, your imagination, dreams and fantasies will provide other people with entertainment. Little did anyone know what a comedian you can be. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You are in super great shape on the extremely the whole month of July. Look for really good news and lots of wet, sloppy kisses. Somebody’s getting a puppy! PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You’re better off kicking back and observing than trying to make things happen in July. If you can eavesdrop a bit, you’ll learn what they really think about you. ARIES…

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Horoscopes for July 13-19, 2014

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19) It’s August in Arizona. Chances are great it’s going to be hot – very hot. You’ll complain as you have every year about the heat. You won’t do well in your afterlife. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) August is the perfect month for Taurus to get back together with a long lost lover. If it goes as planned, you will be together days longer than the first time. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Things are heating up and summer nights are boring. For relief, you’ll take up skinny-dipping at the city pool. You’ll…

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ASTROLOGY FOR THE WEAK

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You know the old adage, “Today marks the beginning of the rest of your life.” If you wake up the next day, the rest starts all over again and so on and so on. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March  11) You will be of two minds about a love interest. On one hand, you find them amusing, on the other, you find them extremely irritating. Time to propose marriage. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This month, you’ll realize that anything having to do with romance is likely to go well if you play…

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Horoscopes for July 6-12, 2014

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CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Do not walk boldly to your future this month. It would be best if you pretend you’re a houseplant that needs shade. Prune the dead leaves and stand in a corner. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You need to plug in for things to pan out. Or is it you need to tune in to drop out? Or maybe it’s you need to hang in to hang out. Well, you gotta get up to get down. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Others will take their cues from you especially when Uranus follows…