February 23, 2017

  • From The Bottom…by Brendon Marks

    Someone said to me the other day, “Thank you from the bottom of my heart.” I said, “You’re welcome, but what does that mean?” “What does what mean? The bottom of your heart.” “You know, it’s like thanks a lot, I really mean it.” “Well, what if someone says ‘Thank you from the top of my heart.’ Is that better or worse?” “But people don’t say that.” “I know, but what if they did? Now to me, bottom has a negative connotation. People don’t say ‘Bottom of the morning to you.’ Showing your bottom to moon someone is an insult,…

  • No News From Doodlebug Island…by William F Jordan

    Exactly how a discussion of an ideal political system morphed—perhaps it should be more properly be said ‘descended’– -into individual descriptions of belief regarding totems was impossible to say, The Doodlebug Island Philosophy club had been well on its way toward solving the world’s problems when it was sidetracked by a sudden penchant of members to provide detailed explanations of attachments to those physical or imaginative symbols of which each seemed to be possessed The diversion was afterward lain at the feet of Herb Collins, a pharmacist by training; a mystic by nature. He announced that on the night prior…

  • Skewered and Plattered by Will Durst

    Shattered. Splattered. Scattered. Battered. Tattered. Skewered and Plattered. Barely mattered. That was the Democrats after November’s election. But surely in the months since, they’d come together to stand aligned in the face of the flaky imperiousness of our so- called President. You’d think. And ripe bananas make a fine masonry grout. The Democrats have lost their direction so completely they need a compass to wipe their butts. Incontestably, incontrovertibly and incredibly… useless. We are not speaking of a trifling of uselessness here. “Totally and utterly and unconditionally useless”- barely scratches the surface. The exact extent of the uselessosity exhibited by…

  • Long Live the Occult

    Where no hope is left, is left no fear — J. Milton Riding the technological bandwagon, life is changing seemingly faster than time itself. Truth be told, the rush to the Internet has created casualties in our daily lives. Harken to the words from The Stone, a philosophical volume of small circulation but enormous power. Indeed, as we learn new skills from Tweeting to Texting to preferring the virtual to real action, other proficiencies are going by the wayside: the art of conversation, the art of being present, the art of looking at people, and that’s just for openers. Nonetheless,…

  • National Rival Association, Turning a Deaf Ear and Putting Out Fires

    Doodlebug Island fire chief Claude Finnegan has at last solved one of his more perplexing and reoccurring problems, and it has lightened his load appreciatively. He has begun calling the Caldwell household each evening to learn whether the wife, Laurie, or the husband, Dave, is cooking dinner. If he learns that it’s Dave, Claude feels free to close the fire station and go home to his own dinner. But, if he hears that Laurie is cooking, he or one of his staff remains on duty for the emergency call he knows is inevitably going to be made. Now, it’s not…

FEATURED SEDONA EDITION

The Trumpish Cabinet…by Will Durst

Feb 20, 2017

In typical liberal fashion, the mean weenie left has called Donald Trump’s cabinet horrible things. “Corrupt nitwits.” “Career criminals.” “Greedy thugs.” “Clueless dunces.” “Bad dancers.” But no one accuses them of being poor. Depending on whether you believe Bloomberg or the Wall Street Journal, the administration’s brain trust will be worth between 8 and 16 billion dollars. Trump’s not just going to drain the swamp, he’s going to subdivide it. Yes, he railed against Goldman- Sachs during the campaign, but a Commander- in- Chief knows the importance of expert money management, and The Donald has chosen a slew of people…

You’re in Cornville If…

Feb 20, 2017

Your golf cart is street legal and can outpace most cars. You can pay by check or credit card for window washing. Meals-On-Wheels is the name of a pizza delivery business. Your yard is fenced and separated according to species. You have an abundance of unused Tupperware lids because the bottoms are scattered through the house collecting drips. You have to borrow money from a distant relative to shop at the dollar store. Your personal experience qualifies you as a licensed midwife. You have a vast collection of Barbie Dolls without heads. You decorate everything in your yard during all…

Skewered and Plattered by Will Durst

Feb 8, 2017

Shattered. Splattered. Scattered. Battered. Tattered. Skewered and Plattered. Barely mattered. That was the Democrats after November’s election. But surely in the months since, they’d come together to stand aligned in the face of the flaky imperiousness of our so- called President. You’d think. And ripe bananas make a fine masonry grout. The Democrats have lost their direction so completely they need a compass to wipe their butts. Incontestably, incontrovertibly and incredibly… useless. We are not speaking of a trifling of uselessness here. “Totally and utterly and unconditionally useless”- barely scratches the surface. The exact extent of the uselessosity exhibited by…

New Winter Virus Alert!

Jan 27, 2017

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidotes known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to…

H1N1 (Swine) Flu Cases

Jan 27, 2017

Sedona Excentric World looks at the recent surge in H1N1 (swine) flu cases in the United States. After an exhaustive search, Excentric Science staff members believe they have found the source of the mutant virus. The symptoms are similar to classic influenzas: fever, diarrhea, vomiting, muscle aches, headaches. The biggest difference is waking up, looking into the mirror and seeing yourself as the image depicted left. The little guy in this picture was once a robust, 300-lb professional wrestler, El Hombre Rojo, who, from passing automobile windows, could be seen in the fields of the Sewerage Reclamation Plant on SR…

Crackdown on Immigration

Jan 27, 2017

Sedona Excentric World looks at the recent crackdown on immigration at the Arizona border. Complaints about racial profiling by the Maricopa County Sheriff’s office under the supervision of Joe Arpaio, have resulted in human smuggling coyotes embracing newer and more clever techniques to successfully transport illegal aliens into the United States. While most immigrants come here in search of a better life or to escape persecution in their own country, the few that break U.S. laws, besides entering without permission, leave a stain on the remaining many millions of non-union laborers. There was a time when temporary migratory workers were…

Typical Excentric Reader

Jan 27, 2017

This month’s typical Excentric Reader is Preston Boyd, son of Joel, grandson to Rachel and friend to the Sedona Excentric. Preston stopped to gather some much needed energy and knowledge always found in the pages of his favorite publication, the Sedona Excentric, of course. He is photographed at Glacier National Park while on a hiking trip with his father, Joel, son to Rachel and friend to the Sedona Excentric. Note: Those are clouds atop the mountains and not smoke from active volcanoes. Phew! Related posts: Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader . . . Typical Excentric Reader . . ….

The Bucket List

Jan 25, 2017

As the Sedona Excentric approaches its 25th anniversary in 2013, the Sedona Excentric Really Big Story staff take a close look at bucket lists. Based on the movie with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman, people have been confessing to our staff members their desires to accomplish feats before they kick the bucket. Some expressed a hope to visit an exotic place–mostly India, Peru or Cornville, AZ. There were many who wanted to sample some sort of out-of-the-norm type of food, such as octopus, scorpion or mystery meat from a school cafeteria. Typically, most people were seeking adventures. African safaris were…

The Ouija Board’s Reputation

Jan 25, 2017

Q: Mention the use of a Ouija board to a paranormal research group these days and you’ll get a lot of head shaking and statements about “opening portals” and “demonic entities.” Mention it to religious fundamentalists and you’ll practically see them shudder and back away on shaky legs, as if the board was created by Satan himself as a means of enslaving human souls. How did the Ouija board and similar “talking boards” get this reputation? A: I think Mr. Hasbro had a lot to do with it. The best way to get teenagers to buy something is to tell…

Boyfriend Thievery

Jan 25, 2017

Dear Frankly, I’ve known this guy for about 4 months and he’s my best friend. We have a lot of things in common and we just seem to click. The problem is my friend who introduced us has liked him for 4 years. He pretty much ignores her now and spends time with me. We keep sneaking around so she won’t see us together. When I told her I liked him she got upset. I want to pursue this relationship. Is there a way to tell her we’re becoming a couple without hurting her feelings? Running Rhonda Dear Running, I…

Today’s Moribund Economy

Jan 25, 2017

Sedona Excentric World looks at some ways Americans are adapting in today’s moribund economy. One Cornville, AZ resident was forced to sell his pickup recently to make ends meet. Before departing with his second favorite possession, he offloaded the cab and created a shaded cover for his pets, complete with windows. To secure it for upcoming monsoon winds, he placed his picnic table, which once occupied the area where the doghouse settled, on top of the dogs’ new shelter. As shown in the picture, the picnic table was missing one bench, causing the table to tip over and toss food…

Creative Ways to Avoid Accidents

Jan 25, 2017

Sedona Excentric World looks at new, creative ways to avoid accidents between cattle and automobiles on Page Springs Road. According to local scuttlebutt, as many as 19 cows have been struck by unsuspecting travelers heading to and from home in Cornville. Arizona law continues to give the right-of-way to the meandering domesticated bovines and holds the drivers, no matter how careful to avoid the large roadway obstacles, completely responsible. In today’s economy, the price of some heads of cattle exceeds the value of the used automobile it was struck with. Some Cornvillians, upset by the unusually high number of car-killed…

The First 100 Days . . . by Will Durst

Jan 25, 2017

As extraordinary as it sounds, Donald J. Trump is now the 45th President of the United States. Which is mind- boggling. Like making John Goodman the cover model for this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Kim Kardashian- appointed chief scientist at the Atomic Energy Lab. Colin Kaepernick in charge of WikiLeaks. The liberals’ last best hopes were dashed on Inauguration Day when the Mango Mussolini put his hand on the Bible and didn’t burst into flames. The preacher said the rain that started to fall as DJT took the oath was a good omen in the Bible. Yeah, tell that…

Rising Cost of Fuel Spurs Alternative Modes of Transportation

Jan 25, 2017

Sedona Excentric World staff members take a look at the rising cost of fuel on the logging industry in Flagstaff, Arizona. While many Americans have abandoned their standard vehicles for mass transit, smaller fuel-efficient cars, scooters and bicycles, commercial enterprises too have had to resort to alternative modes of transportation. According to a moose salesman in Saskatchewan, Canada, not only has the Canadian dollar soared in value due to the increase in oil prices (Canada is the number 1 importer of fuel oil to the United States, Mexico being second), but their importation of moose and their prices have increased…

Latest in Apartment Living

Jan 25, 2017

Sedona Excentric World staff members take a look at the latest in apartment living. With many homeowners facing foreclosure and with ridiculous bankruptcy laws prohibiting the individual from protecting their hard earned properties, more and more former home owners are forced to seek alternative housing solutions. One Cornville, Arizona resident offered an affordable and aesthetically affable answer. This complex, called the Cornville Condo Cascade, offers comfort in a quiet setting for both senior citizens and single families at an affordable rate. With Sedona still holding meetings to determine the definition of “affordable housing” and how it applies to teachers, seniors,…

You’re an Old Sedonan…

Dec 20, 2016

When you buy a computer to send email to save on postage. When you count your Bingo losses as church offerings. When you are told your memory bank has been burglarized. When asked about liquid assets, you search the stock in the liquor cabinet. When a prune juice wine cooler is your favorite beverage. When your skull x-rays are mistaken for those of an extinct not-so-great ape. When you check into a motel and suffer motion sickness while reading the Bible on the Magic Fingers vibrating bed. When you go to an All-U-Can-Eat buffet and the hot food is cold…

Who Is Reading What These Days?

Dec 20, 2016

The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country, but don’t really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country–if they could find the time and if they…

Haunting Phenomena

Dec 20, 2016

Q: With Halloween just behind us, I started wondering about my house being haunted. It is over 100 years old, so many have come and gone from here. I know some hauntings feature a single phenomenon such as a door slamming shut repeatedly while others consist of different phenomena, ranging from odd noises to full blown apparitions. I read where there are 16 signs a house might be haunted. I also know they include strange animal behavior and unexplained shadows. If both of these occur simultaneously are the chances greater that your house is haunted? A: Sure. Two out of…

Zulu Mystery Cave

Dec 20, 2016

Dear Sister, I have told you before, I have this Zulu friend, whose name is Saki, who likes to call himself a Sedona resident, and I myself may be the only man around who actually knows where that residence is. It’s a cave, believe it or not, deep underground among our famous Red Rocks, very handy to the waters of our beautiful Oak Creek. He likes to swim a lot, and takes a thirty-foot dive before he actually hits water, close by an official sign that states: “Dangerous Currents – Do Not Swim Here.” Just a cave? Well, it was…

Vincent Van Gogh’s Relatives?

Dec 20, 2016

His dizzy aunt … Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes … Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store … Stop N Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia … U Gogh His magician uncle … Where-diddy Gogh His Mexican cousin …  Amee Gogh The Mexican cousin’s American half-brother … Gring Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach … Wells-far Gogh The constipated uncle … Can’t Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt … Tang Gogh The bird lover uncle … Flamin Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking … Way-to-Gogh The little bouncy nephew … Poe Gogh A sister who loved disco … Go Gogh And…

That Really Bunches My Panties

From The Bottom…by Brendon Marks

Someone said to me the other day, “Thank you from the bottom of my heart.” I said, “You’re welcome, but what does that mean?” “What does what mean? The bottom of your heart.” “You know, it’s like thanks a lot, I really mean it.” “Well, what if someone says ‘Thank you from the top of my heart.’ Is that better or worse?” “But people don’t say that.” “I know, but what if they did? Now to me, bottom has a negative connotation. People don’t say ‘Bottom of the morning to you.’ Showing your bottom to moon someone is an insult,…

Transplants . . . by Brendon Marks

In the days before GPS systems in cars and smartphones with Google maps, I was putting gas in my car in McGuireville and another car pulled up on the opposite side of the pump. The driver didn’t need gas, just directions. He said, “We just came from Sedona, can you tell me how to get to Cottonwood?” I really didn’t want to stop pumping gas because I was afraid the price would go up before I finished, but I took a chance. I said, “Sure, are you coming back this way?” He said, “Why?” I said, “Well, I was going…

Growing A Winter Coat, by Brendon Marks

Most women will only admit men are superior in three areas: opening jars, killing bugs, and producing methane. But there is one area where men truly have no equal. That is pogonotrophy. This is not a horrible misspelling of pornography; pogonotrophy means ‘the growing of a beard.’ I know that there are many women who can mount a serious challenge in the mustache department or a hairy old mole, but I’m talking about a real beard. The average man will grow twenty-seven feet of hair out of his face during his lifetime. I’m not sure how they determined that. Can…

That Was My Idea!…by Brendon Marks

Jeff Hostetler was in town the other day. I saw him at a fast food restaurant. Jeff is a professional football quarterback. I don’t know which team he plays for now, I lost interest in his career when he abandoned the New York Giants. The shirt he was wearing was black and silver and had some sort of pirate theme. He looked very different without his uniform. Those guys are so covered up even their own mothers wouldn’t recognize them. Not like basketball players who run around virtually naked. I pointed him out to my dining companion who snorted, “That’s…

What Was The Question…by Brendon Marks

As a friend was helping move a dresser the other day, I asked him, “Can you handle that end OK?” He replied, “Is the Pope catholic?” I wasn’t sure what that had to do with anything, but it reminded me of several other questions of the same type, such as: Is the Pope Polish? Does a duck have lips? Does a bear sleep in the woods? These are serious questions that deserve answers; I decided to get those answers. Initially I had trouble researching the two questions concerning the Pope. Obtaining information about the current pope was easy, but none…

Buying A New Car . . . by Brendon marks

New car dealers spend a lot of money on advertising. I used to think many of the ideas were pretty silly, but I always knew that no matter how silly the idea was, next week there would be one to top it. I didn’t believe these silly ideas would have any impact upon who would buy which car or when, until a friend told me that he was going to buy a new car. “What kind?” I asked. “It really doesn’t matter,” he said, “There’s a dealership down the street that has a giant inflated football helmet out front. That’s…

Small Town Culture . . . by Brendon Marks

I grew up in small towns and I like them. They stay forever small because of their names. A name like ‘Cook’s Falls’, ‘Fish’s Eddy’ or ‘Peaksville’ would never survive if the town became large. The politicians or the inhabitants who came later to swell the village beyond its beginnings would undoubtedly not be descended from the Cook, Fish or Peak families, and would change the name to something more suitable for a thriving metropolis. If you hear names like that, you just know it’s a small town somewhere. Typically these towns are situated beside a railroad line or where…

Unlicensed and Untrained…by Brendon Marks

The government recently released the “alarming results” of a study that determined the majority of young children are not receiving day care from trained workers; instead, they are being cared for by “unlicensed and untrained” providers. Who are these heinous perpetrators? They are relatives–mostly grandparents. Government workers are particularly alarmed that grandparents are “unprepared” for the nurturing of young minds at a particularly vulnerable age. Well, if these loving, but “unlicensed and untrained” grandparents are so dangerous, where was the government when my generation needed them so badly to protect us during our formative years? If they’re not qualified to…