September 28, 2016

  • will durst

    Crash & Burn . . . Repeat

    We might as well be watching a 30- car pile- up the way Americans are holding hands over their eyes trying to avoid the grisly bits of the most grotesque presidential race we have witnessed in this, the second decade of the 21st Century. Of course, it’s only the 2nd election during that time, but still. That is not to say 2012 wasn’t genuinely gruesome with more than its share of cataclysmic collisions and demolition derby debacles but this time they’re headed downhill faster than an 18- wheeler with burned out brakes carrying a load of nitroglycerine on the western…

  • doodlebug

    No News From Doodlebug Island…by William F. Jordan

    You knew it was going to be a fun-filled day when it was announced that Sandy Upshar, a Democrat, had received an invitation to the Republican think-tank to be held in October at the Wigwam Resort in Litchfield Park. The idea of a well-loved and highly respected history professor from Doodlebug University being invited to a think tank whose visions extend barely to the limits of legislation bought and paid for by the Koch brothers sent a wave of laughter over the whole of the island. For everyone knew that that prank would soon be followed by another, the extent…

  • brendonpicoctober2016

    Buying A New Car . . . by Brendon marks

    New car dealers spend a lot of money on advertising. I used to think many of the ideas were pretty silly, but I always knew that no matter how silly the idea was, next week there would be one to top it. I didn’t believe these silly ideas would have any impact upon who would buy which car or when, until a friend told me that he was going to buy a new car. “What kind?” I asked. “It really doesn’t matter,” he said, “There’s a dealership down the street that has a giant inflated football helmet out front. That’s…

  • doodlebug

    No News From Doodlebug Island…by William F Jordan

    While Jeff Wimberly doesn’t actually live on Doodlebug Island, it is as if he did, inasmuch as he has represented us in the Arizona legislature for twenty-six years. In that time his good nature has been repeatedly tried, not so much by folks at home as by other members of the legislature with whom he serves. He was recently in to see me at the Doodlebug Publishing Company about an upcoming political ad. “If there is any insipid, inane, quirky, or downright stupid legislative bill I haven’t already heard of, I’m fairly certain someone is working on it as we…

  • brendonpicseptember2016

    Small Town Culture . . . by Brendon Marks

    I grew up in small towns and I like them. They stay forever small because of their names. A name like ‘Cook’s Falls’, ‘Fish’s Eddy’ or ‘Peaksville’ would never survive if the town became large. The politicians or the inhabitants who came later to swell the village beyond its beginnings would undoubtedly not be descended from the Cook, Fish or Peak families, and would change the name to something more suitable for a thriving metropolis. If you hear names like that, you just know it’s a small town somewhere. Typically these towns are situated beside a railroad line or where…

FEATURED SEDONA EDITION

will durst

Crash & Burn . . . Repeat

Sep 21, 2016

We might as well be watching a 30- car pile- up the way Americans are holding hands over their eyes trying to avoid the grisly bits of the most grotesque presidential race we have witnessed in this, the second decade of the 21st Century. Of course, it’s only the 2nd election during that time, but still. That is not to say 2012 wasn’t genuinely gruesome with more than its share of cataclysmic collisions and demolition derby debacles but this time they’re headed downhill faster than an 18- wheeler with burned out brakes carrying a load of nitroglycerine on the western…

will durst

The American People . . . by Will Durst

Aug 14, 2016

So the conventions are over and we’ve entered the penultimate stage of this presidential demolition derby and your muted murmurs of “yippee” and “hooray” have been duly noted. That’s enough, put the horns away, this is not an overly large celebration. It took a year and a half, but the presidential field has winnowed down to the major political parties’ two anointed nominees: the Donald and the Hillary. Let us pray. And more polarizing figures could not be found with the superconducting magnet at the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva. Thus far the process has been everything but pretty or…

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Venison Jerky . . . by Will Durst

Jun 21, 2016

If the goal is to cause both sides of the political spectrum to quiver and twitch and shiver and shake like a raccoon clinging to the outside of a cement mixer speeding through a railroad yard, just casually throw out the term, “gun control,” and step back. The left considers all guns the reprehensible tool of warriors, criminals and primitives, while in most of red state America, the definition of gun control is using two hands and hitting the target. Then some addled- brained, flippo- unit actually uses those techniques to take out a bunch of innocent people, and the…

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Amassing? . . . by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland

May 19, 2016

AMASSING? I woke up from a nightmare in A black, depressing chill! The president had just decreed All rivers flow uphill! “Don’t worry,” he was heard to shout, “For it will be amassing!” (Amazing with bad spelling? or Just presidential gassing?) But, then, the Mississippi turned, As millions dropped their jaw, Flowed north to old St. Louis then Northwest, to Omaha, Amassing, in a world class flood, Then, surging on, upstream, Pushed on along the Mighty Mo, And quickly gathered steam, Transforming my Montana to An inland sea of sorts!– The shoreline lined with parking lots And Donald Trump resorts!…

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My Pod . . . by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland

Feb 19, 2016

MY POD The podcast of my life is out On iTunes and online. So, if you’re tired of living yours, Rejoice! You can live mine! Experience your birth again That brutal, freezing day, As doc Berg drops you on your head And sends you on your way! And, soon, you’ll be rejected by Your teachers, friends and peers, Unable to learn basketball And laughed at for your ears! Then, taste humiliation’s dust Through years of workplace hurt, As colleagues soar ahead of you And leave you in the dirt! The podcast of my life’s for sale At all the podcast…

Lake Powell

Water We Waiting For? Water Conservation NOW! . . . by Nicholas Martell

Jan 20, 2016

As I walk into the Hilton hotel for the 107th Arizona Town Hall Meeting, I find myself in unfamiliar territory. What the hell am I doing in a Hilton hotel in the first place? This is me, a scruffy, 29 year old graduate student who refuses to cut (or regularly comb) his thick, John Fogerty-esque mane. None of my favorite shirts come anywhere near a button, and I prefer my shoes to be of the slip-on nature. When did I become an adult? As I approach the registration table all I can feel is the nagging anxiety of wondering if…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

Dec 3, 2015

APPLE SEASON November is the end of it– Though autumn’s gold beguiles– Another apple season ends, While one old woman smiles! For, Evelyn loves apples and She loves her apple trees, And, one last time, she struggles through Her orchard, where she sees The ancient trees she planted with Her husband, buried here– Their lives and deaths still intertwined As winter days grow near– And, holding forth their shaky limbs And offering their gifts, Her trees seem to enfold her, as Collective memory drifts To one November morning, when They knelt down, on their knees, And dreamed of apple seasons…

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Wrecked Rectitude . . . by Will Durst

Dec 3, 2015

Get out the big black Sharpie and pull down the official Presidential Campaign Manual because its time to redact the rules. Reality television star Donald Trump has altered the way politics is played to an extent that is game- changing. Judged on a scale of one to ten, think somewhere in the mid five figures. First off, candidates no longer have to worry about looking ridiculous. Actual clowns are now allowed to emerge from the clown car. Opportunism is in, while rationality has been swept off the table, along with class, integrity, decorum, common human decency and hygiene. Two, shooting…

will durst

Anchor Baby Battle by Will Durst

Nov 17, 2015

Prepare for earth shattering news. Immigration has become a key issue in the race for the Republican nomination. Yes. Again. It’s what folks in the garden industry call a perennial. Or rather, biennial, as it happens like clockwork every year ending in an even number. As predictable as fruit flies in the dumpster behind a produce store on garbage day. Every election cycle, the GOP energizes its base by sounding the newcomer alarm. This proud honored American tradition dates back to the Iroquois, “Can’t let those damn Europeans in, they’ll ruin everything.” Donald Trump dominated the early rounds of the…

will durst

Who Would Want This Job? by Will Durst

Nov 17, 2015

It’s like a train wreck. Fascinating, repellant, and loud: all at the same time. Talking about the American presidential sweepstakes. And, as ratings for the last few debates seem to indicate, very hard to look away. It was Winston Churchill who called our election process… “a circus wrapped in a game show covered in poisonous weasel glitter.” And if he didn’t, he should have. Look at how we treat these poor people. Gang debates. Smug interrogators. Partisan witch hunts. Hostile examinations. Substandard lecterns. Marathon fund- raisers with cold congealed Swedish meatballs in a watery mustard sauce. What we end up…

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RED MEAT VS CREME BRULEE . . .by Will Durst

Nov 2, 2015

If the disappointment of everyone expecting fireworks at the first Democratic debate exhibited itself as perspiration, we could declare the California drought over. A few soggy matches might have been lit but that was it. Heavy on the smoke: non- existent on the flame. This initial gathering of liberal presidential wannabees did highlight the differing styles of the 2 parties. Both may be big on giving away government money, but Democrats prefer ladling it out to poor people, while the Republicans want to slip it to the rich. Republicans live in Potterville and the Dems call Bedford Falls home. Even…

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GREED NOT GOOD . . . by Will Durst

Nov 2, 2015

Get this. And get it straight. Gordon Gekko was wrong. Greed is not good. Greed is bad. Greed eats away the core of society like a golden parasitic leech the size of Manitoba. Or Saskatchewan. One of those Provinces or Territories or Protectorates or whatever they use in Canada to keep their license plates distinct. And practicing and/ or defending greed makes you nothing but a blood- sucking tick no matter how fancy a suit you’re wearing. Or size of the diamonds around your wrist. Or how free- range the organic heirloom Chicken Florentine is on your plate. The movie…

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Minister of Reality . . . by Doug (Rabbit) Sutherland

Nov 2, 2015

JOLLY PROCTOLOGY My daddy said it loud in spite Of my repugnant scowls: “You’ll know you’re growing old when you Start talking ’bout your bowels!” His words rose up in horror and My forehead ran with sweat While googling “proctologists” Upon the internet. The doctor’s name was Jolly and He grinned out from my screen; Doc Jolly loved proctology!– On colons, he was keen! He said he was a genius with His radiated gas, And, if I had ten thousand bucks, He’d fix my sorry ass! My youth has been restored again!– No talk about my bowels! (Except, these days…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

Sep 25, 2015

JOLLY PROCTOLOGY My daddy said it loud in spite Of my repugnant scowls: “You’ll know you’re growing old when you Start talking ’bout your bowels!” His words rose up in horror and My forehead ran with sweat While googling “proctologists” Upon the internet. The doctor’s name was Jolly and He grinned out from my screen; Doc Jolly loved proctology!– On colons, he was keen! He said he was a genius with His radiated gas, And, if I had ten thousand bucks, He’d fix my sorry ass! My youth has been restored again!– No talk about my bowels! (Except, these days…

willdurstpicseptember2015

HIPS, LIPS, TIPS, DRIPS, & SLIPS, by Will Durst

Aug 27, 2015

Yeah, I hear what you’re saying. “For all you political comics, Donald Trump must be a dream come true. Manna from heaven. Slam- dunking from a step- ladder. Swimming in a sea of beer.” Oh sure, there are jokes. 1. Trump’s presidential campaign is like a baboon’s butt. The higher he climbs, the harder it is to look. 2. Not saying his message is confusing, but doubt he could convince a majority of the voices in his head to vote for him. C. Trump doesn’t respect gay marriage because of tradition. And the fact that he’s been married 3 times…

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Doug Sutherland, Minister of Reality

Aug 27, 2015

JUSTICE RE-DRESSED It should have been predicted by Sheer logic of the head That Justices in dresses would Concur that gays should wed! The habits of the past were changed On that Supreme Court day– Traditional traditions all Transmogrified away. On TV, boys were kissing boys, And girls were kissing girls, While fat, white, male Republicans Were pulling out their curls. The thing that never changes is That change is here to stay, Though change-deniers backward-march To drums of yesterday. Or, as my daddy wryly said, While stroking his old dome, “The folks who stand in front of trains Will…

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RUMPUS TRUMPUS CHUMPUS, by Will Durst

Jul 29, 2015

For all those bemoaning the lack of noise in the Republican presidential sweepstakes it’s time to get down on our knees and give thanks to Donald Trump because whatever that man touches turns to loud. He’s the gift that keeps on blaring. Has all the delicate innuendo of concrete curtain rods. Not just a loose cannon, more like a loose aircraft carrier. To say the campaign of the self- appointed captain of the S.S. Birther got off to a rocky start is like intimating that transatlantic telecommunications cables make substandard dental floss. Critics derided the guy who tried to trademark…

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QUANTUM GARDENING, by Doug (Rabbit) Sutherland

Jul 29, 2015

QUANTUM GARDENING I spaded up my garden and I planted beans that climb; I planted fragrant rosemary; I planted sage and thyme. I planted squash and carrots and Tomatoes, corn and kale; I planted cukes and onions, but My thyme began to fail! I planted spuds and lettuce and Cilantro, chard and peas; I planted beets and peppers while My thyme dropped to its knees! My Brussels sprouts were cheering as My garlic raised a toast; My parsley celebrated as My thyme gave up the ghost! (Make room, dear Stephen Hawking, for The Physicist of Rhyme!– Courageously rewriting, A Brief…

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Red Pope, Green Pope by Will Durst

Jun 30, 2015

He gets under their skin like termites in a boathouse. Drives them crazier than Hillary Clinton and Yoko Ono dancing on a gay pride parade float. He’s the itch you can’t scratch. The thorn in the palm of their paw. The 3- inch scratch on their favorite Ted Nugent album. Talking about that hot new Catholic sensation, Pope Frankie. At first it was his general commie pink yellow rat bastard predilection for focusing on the poor. “The poor. The poor. Why is it with him, always got to be about the goldarn poor.” But now the former Jorge Mario Bergoglio…

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Minister of Reality, Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland

Jun 30, 2015

JUDY’S SELFIE Well, Judy had another fight Down at her Apple store. They flat out said they won’t replace Her iPhone any more. She told them quite respectfully, The new phone didn’t work– That just like all the other times, The camera went berserk. She wore her hot bikini to Some beach that’s all the rage, And tried to take a selfie to Enhance her Facebook page. But, once again, the camera took A shot of some old bag!– A woman twice her age with warts, Gray hair and jowls that sag! And, as they walked her to the door,…

That Really Bunches My Panties

brendonpicoctober2016

Buying A New Car . . . by Brendon marks

New car dealers spend a lot of money on advertising. I used to think many of the ideas were pretty silly, but I always knew that no matter how silly the idea was, next week there would be one to top it. I didn’t believe these silly ideas would have any impact upon who would buy which car or when, until a friend told me that he was going to buy a new car. “What kind?” I asked. “It really doesn’t matter,” he said, “There’s a dealership down the street that has a giant inflated football helmet out front. That’s…

brendonpicseptember2016

Small Town Culture . . . by Brendon Marks

I grew up in small towns and I like them. They stay forever small because of their names. A name like ‘Cook’s Falls’, ‘Fish’s Eddy’ or ‘Peaksville’ would never survive if the town became large. The politicians or the inhabitants who came later to swell the village beyond its beginnings would undoubtedly not be descended from the Cook, Fish or Peak families, and would change the name to something more suitable for a thriving metropolis. If you hear names like that, you just know it’s a small town somewhere. Typically these towns are situated beside a railroad line or where…

brendonpicaugust2016

Unlicensed and Untrained…by Brendon Marks

The government recently released the “alarming results” of a study that determined the majority of young children are not receiving day care from trained workers; instead, they are being cared for by “unlicensed and untrained” providers. Who are these heinous perpetrators? They are relatives–mostly grandparents. Government workers are particularly alarmed that grandparents are “unprepared” for the nurturing of young minds at a particularly vulnerable age. Well, if these loving, but “unlicensed and untrained” grandparents are so dangerous, where was the government when my generation needed them so badly to protect us during our formative years? If they’re not qualified to…

If this is even tempered, God forgive us if he gets upset.

Watch and Write . . . by Brendon Marks

A guy once said, “Don’t knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation if it didn’t change once in a while.” It has been attributed to Kin Hubbard, but when you stop to think about it, who said it is not important. What’s really important is that somebody wrote down that somebody said it. Does the guy who wrote it down ever get any credit? Mark Twain was another guy who was always saying pithy things like that and not once was it ever recorded that he said, “Hey, that was pithy. I guess I should write…

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It’s Only Water . . . by Brendon Marks

Water is amazing. Take two chunks of hydrogen, one chunk of oxygen, slam them together, and the result is a substance unlimited in its usefulness and versatility. Occasionally it has a down side, usually when a lot of the combined chunks get together and move from one place to another, but generally it’s pretty handy. Its popularity is widespread, and humans flock to it, more so on warm weekends. Any realtor will attest to the fact that humans are attracted to water. Oceanfront, lakefront, and riverfront properties always have the highest price tags. One whole state seems obsessed with the…

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Veggiepets . . . by Brendon Marks

As I pointed out in my last column, some of my closest friends are vegetarians; however I’d like to delve into the subject from a different angle. Personally, I never felt that red meat was bad for you. Gray or green might be a little suspect, but red is okay. I don’t try to convert my vegetarian friends, and they don’t try to convert me. I may make fun of them now and then, but that’s pretty much the norm for my dwindling circle of friends, vegetarian or not. Furthermore, with a couple of my veggie pals, I get as…

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Is That Soy Or Sow? by Brendon Marks

The other day I had an opportunity to try a sausage and mushroom vegetarian pizza. I’ve had true vegetarian pizza before, but none of them has ever had sausage on it. For non-vegetarians, I may need to tell you that sausage does not qualify as a vegetable, so the sausage has to be something else, spiced up to taste like sausage. I don’t know what, and chose not to investigate and spoil the enjoyment of the moment. It’s probably some soybean product. Vegetarians tend to use a lot of soybean stuff. Apparently it has no flavor of its own, and…

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Unjust Accusations…by Brendon Marks

I have received some feedback on a previous column, unjustly accusing me of advocating the use of tools while under the influence of judgment-altering substances, specifically beer. Regular readers know this is not true. That would be criminal lack of judgment. If I were going to advocate something, it would be vendors on every street corner dispensing free hot dogs, the total abolition of car insurance, or changing all street names to the Dewey decimal system. Anything else, I just report what I see and I don’t have to make things up. However, I’m not the first to observe the…