June 28, 2017

Changing the Name of Cornville?

Dear Ed., I’ve heard a nasty rumor that a certain element would like to change the name of Cornville to Santa Fe. Are they confused about where they live? If they want to live in Santa Fe , I suggest they move there. Or we could have a public vote taken, the Cornville way, right out in the open (and not in some sleazy dungeon where people whisper). That should fairly decide where we live. Below is a list of names I’ve imagined. Just circle the one you prefer and mail it to the Excentric. I’m sure they won’t cheat. 1. Santacorn 8. Fesantacorna…

You May Teach In Sedona If…

You request the staff room be equipped with a valium salt lick. You want to slap people you overhear saying, “It must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers off.” You believe chocolate is a food group. You want a “Shallow Gene Pool” box added to report cards, but realize as far as you’ll get is “Not Quite As Gifted As Others.” All personal life between August and June is a blur. You think calling you by your first name should be reserved for adults only, if that’s okay with the kids and their parents. You have…

Sedona Alien Party Cancelled

…Vortexes had to be closed for remodeling. …Confusion between followers of a harmonic convergence and supporters of a harmonica emergence. …Date lost when calendar destroyed after discovering pictures of half-naked, out-of-work, pensionless, Mayan priests promoting each month. …Aliens expected to attend had to return home to retrieve forgotten chips and dip. …Extraterrestrials objected to souvenir t-shirts with slogan, “Have You Been Probed Today?” …Party threatened to be crashed by gang that dashes from psychic to psychic, called “Channel Surfers.” …Jean Vixen’s prediction of a mass exodus. …The only vendor able to attend sells Indian Tacos and everyone knows Aliens are…

“I Love You” from Men in 26 Languages

I love you.” –English “Te amo.” –Spanish “Je t’aime.” –French “Ich liebe dich.” –German “Ai shite imasu.” –Japanese “Ti amo.” –Italian “Wo ai ni.” –Chinese “Jag Alskar.” –Swedish “Nice butt. Get in the truck.” —Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Idaho, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky, Florida and Cornville, USA   Related posts: Men Love to Gossip Love for Valentines Changing the Name of Cornville? Booms Rattle a Country?

Sedona Proverbs

Do not judge a king by his crown or a peasant by his boots, but avoid those who wear both a belt and suspenders. Anything is possible for those who think it so and happen to be filthy rich. Those who wrestle with their conscience find the fight fixed. He who lives in a house of straw should not light too many prayer candles and avoid ear coning. He who knows not where he is will still refuse directions. You never know what you can accomplish until your spouse forces you to do it. He that is sure he knows…

Santa of Sedona’s Traits

He arrives in a reindeer-drawn UFO. His suit is the color of red rock dust. He never refers to a list. He uses a crystal ball to determine what Sedona kids want. Instead oh Ho, Ho, Ho, he chants Ommm, Ommm, Ommm. There’s a funny smell coming from his pipe. His beard is twisted into braids. Rudolph’s nose is teal. Hires temporary helpers from roadsides to expedite gift delivery. Sports a Kokopelli tattoo on his left forearm. Only delivers fruitcakes to the people who have been naughty. Stores extra gifts in Chimney Rock. Has mullet haircut under his red cap….

You’re an Old Sedonan…

When you buy a computer to send email to save on postage. When you count your Bingo losses as church offerings. When you are told your memory bank has been burglarized. When asked about liquid assets, you search the stock in the liquor cabinet. When a prune juice wine cooler is your favorite beverage. When your skull x-rays are mistaken for those of an extinct not-so-great ape. When you check into a motel and suffer motion sickness while reading the Bible on the Magic Fingers vibrating bed. When you go to an All-U-Can-Eat buffet and the hot food is cold…

Who Is Reading What These Days?

The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country, but don’t really understand The New York Times. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country–if they could find the time and if they…

Rejected Sedona Treats

Ahhhhhhhhhhhg! The Sedona City Council is busy with sticky issues. Recently, they voted to reject a number of proposed treats Uptown vendors were preparing for this Halloween’s annual Uptown Trick or Treat Night. The rejected confections include: Black Licorice Street Lamp Blocking Masks Sugar Coated Shilajit Squirrel Turds Organic Alien Fingers Crystal Crunchers Jell-O Beans Petrified Popcorn Puffs Red Licorice Alien Brains Splenda Dipped Juniper Bark Daffy Taffy Slide Rock Ultra Slim Jims Smoked Trout Farm Balls Page Springs Mesquite Logs Road Kill Fritters On A Stick Trail Mix From West Fork Trail Smoked Gristle Stardust Sprinkled Red Rock Succotash…

Retiring in Sedona

You are asked to sign a “hold harmless” agreement before Boy Scouts help you cross the street. You pimped-out your golf cart with training wheels. Instead of “air guitar” you show off with “air harp.” You have to quit your arts and crafts class because the glue and paint are making you dizzy. Your idea of Trail Mix is a mixture of soy nuts, Tums, aspirin and dried prunes. You consult your psychic about removing one of your kidneys in hopes that you’ll have to pee less often. Hanging around a vortex seems to make your “senior moment” last for…

Sedona Senior Olympics

Four Meter Fall Down and Get Up Trials All-U-Can-Eat Light Breakfast Buffet Relay Lazy Boy Recliner Nap Off The Limbo Pole Low Jump Belly-Up-To-The-Bar Shotput Eating, Sleeping and Pill-Taking Triathalon Two Hour Let Your Fingers Do The Walking Phone-Off Back Yard Barbecue Skewer Toss Macarena Marathon Adjusting Your Truss vs. Adjusting Your Trust Bank Vaulting Backing Car Out Of Post Office Parking Lot Contest Hot Tub Water Polo Wine Tasting For Mixed Doubles Synchronized Wading Golf Cart Drag Racing Memory Marathon Jumping While High Automobile Directional Signal Turn-A-Thon Related posts: Sedona Vortex Experiences Retiring in Sedona Sedona Alien Party Cancelled…

Headlines: The Year is 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States. Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Last remaining Jihadist dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Iran, Syria, Libya and Afghanistan). France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but…

Sedona Vortex Experiences

You go back in time to when Sedona was first discovered, but still forget to invest in real estate. You win the lottery and donate it all to a self-appointed guru claiming to be the second, or third, coming. You now belch fairy dust. You see UFOs flashing subliminal messages for Hummers. Your front lawn is now covered with grass crop circles. You now have the ability to communicate with rocks. Your inner child is acting up a lot more and needs a time-out. You developed a desire to eat low carb, “naturally,” foraging the woods for edible plants, lean…

Sedona Proposed Improvements

Fountains will be redesigned to spew sewer treatment water. Dry Creek Road will be renamed Sometimes Flooded Way. Capital Butte will become Bureaucrat Butt. Stutz Bearcat will soon be known as Kia Sedona. Steamboat Rock will begin to offer sunset dinner cruises. Bell Rock will be turned into a domed ice hockey stadium. Sugar Loaf will be downsized and reduced to Low Carb Butte. Courthouse Butte will be partitioned to the new City Hall. Snoopy Rock will be picked up for not wearing dog tags. The Two Nuns Formation will be questioned and released. Slide Rock will require “Slippery When…

Cornville Anniversary Gifts

Year 1 – Paper…Copy of your pre-nup claiming sheep possession Year 2 – Cotton…A small, wet t-shirt Year 3 – Leather…A loin cloth made with real loin Year 4 – Book…A checkbook balanced by a visiting relative Year 5 – Clock…A printout of her biological clock Year 6 – Iron…A seasoned frying pan Year 7 – Copper…Seven shiny pennies Year 8 – Bronze…A framed picture of you and your sheep Year 9 – Pottery…A cremation urn Year 10 – Tin…Beer cans saved from wedding limo Year 11 – Steel…A box of steel wool you stole Year 12 – Linen…A bag…