August 18, 2018

How to Survive Your Summer Vacation…by Will Durst

We look forward to it for months. Calendars have been cleared, reservations made, and the anticipation in the house is so high, it vibrates like a chicken on meth strapped to a thirty year- old dryer set on spin. The Summer Vacation Trip is nigh. It’s a time- honored testament to all that is right about America. And often, not less than a little of what is wrong. A brief respite from, and reward for, working hard. A time to reconnect and bond with the family unit, creating indelible memories along with building up patience and pain tolerance levels. Beaches….

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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS: Justice Brett Kavanaugh Edition…by Will Durst

Q. What’s the skinny on the nomination of Brett Kavanaugh for Supreme Court Justice? A. Chaos. Confusion. Mutual accusations of partisan politics. Exasperation. Pique. Rage. Intimidation. Slack- jawed lunacy. You know, the usual skinny. Standard operating skinny. Q. How long did it take after Anthony Kennedy announced his retirement for things to get ugly? A. Minutes. Seconds. Nano- seconds. A jiffy. Q. Is there expected to be a confirmation fight? A. Is the sky blue? Do ducks have webbed feet? Are the stones in the pockets of a dead mobster at the bottom of the East River round? Q. Hunh?…

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OVAL OFFICE APPRENTICE…by Will Durst

President Donald Trump has failed at many endeavors: casinos, airlines, universities, steaks, wine, vodka, board games, two marriages, armed forces physicals, White House Communications Department staffing, convincing foreign countries to build boundary structures. But the one thing he did excel at was reality television. The man has a real genius for pretending to be real. His greatest public triumph was the 14 seasons he hosted NBC’s “The Apprentice” in a position he thought he was really good at. Nobody in the history of the medium has been able to say “You’re Fired”” with the kind of staccato bravado he perfected….

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The Rites of Spring…by Will Durst

Easter is a most peculiar holiday, which is saying something, considering so many other religious festivities litter our calendar. For instance, it’s the only one with pink and lavender decorations. Also, no other holy day shares such an obsession with hardboiled eggs, chocolate bunnies, jellybeans and plastic grass. And it boasts a singular connection to bonnets. Another odd aspect is Easter’s ability to travel, falling on the Sunday after the first full moon following the Vernal Equinox. Meaning it can roll from March 22 to April 25. Sort of like your weird Aunt Hazel who visits every year about this…

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MANY MADNESSES…by Will Durst

And once again the crowd goes wild with a bad case of March Madness. The phrase is usually associated with the wacky zany antics surrounding the NCAA college basketball tournament. But this year it doubles as a description of the equally nutty loony goings- on in and around the White House. Following immediately on the heels of January Madness and February Madness. The month of March proverbially comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb, but this big cat of chaos is marking its territory and might require a length of extra large litter boxes longer than…

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Reign of Error…by Will Durst

It’s been quite a year. The exact reverse of that whole “time flies when you’re having fun” thing. These last twelve months have slogged by like cold molasses riddled with bat guano dripping through a tightly woven bamboo sieve. Seems like decades since Donald Trump became the 45th President of the United States. Shouldn’t he be termed out by now? After a mere 12 months, his problems have stacked up like a bouquet of bombs from the Acme Co. being wafted aloft by helium balloons approaching an archery range for easily distracted pre- teens. Anybody who watched the televised White…

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The 2018 Donald J. Trump State of the Union Address Drinking Game

HOW TO PLAY: Any grouping of American taxpayers: including at least one white guy wearing a suit, somebody in a blue work shirt, and one senior citizen. One shot glass per person. Everybody brings their own, grouped on a table in front of TV. No matter who brings what, white guy in suit chooses first, work shirts pick next, then everybody else except senior citizen who goes last. Much beer. Bowl of guacamole and chips. If women are playing, they should make the guacamole and take care of the beer. Everybody antes 5 bucks. RULES OF GAME: Every time Donald…

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Robbing Hood . . . by Will Durst

They’re partying at the Cracker Barrel. Wings are flying out of Hooters. The Olive Garden’s endless breadsticks have been depleted. Wherever Republicans celebrate, cans of Bud Light are being hoisted and the karaoke machine is smoking, because for the first time all year, the Party of Lincoln accomplished something. Despite being stymied by internecine warfare for 11 months, the GOP came together at the 11th hour to pass a landmark tax reform bill that President Trump referred to as “an incredible Christmas gift for hard working Americans.” Apparently, by “hard working Americans,” he meant everyone who owns a private jet…

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Top 10 Comedic News Stories Of 2017…by Will Durst

Put down the nog. Let in the dog. Delay your spouse’s jog. Buy a mask for the smog. Alert the press in Prague. Because the eagerly awaited list of Top Ten Comedic News Stories of the Year has finally arrived. It truly is… the most wonderful time of the year. But first, a word of caution: these stories are not be confused with the Top Ten Legitimate News Stories of 2017. No. No. No. They are as dissimilar as Ruth Bader Ginsburg and strip poker. Like aluminum snow shovels and chocolate lava cakes. Oxblood wing- tips and tufted wrestling mats….

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Democratic Pulse…by Will Durst

Let’s send a big fat congratulatory shout out to former US Attorney Doug Jones for capturing the Senate seat in Alabama, the first Democrat to be elected to that Yellowhammer State position since Richard Shelby won a second term in 1992, but then switched allegiances to the Republican Party two years later. Which, to be perfectly honest, is cheating. Democrats are hailing Jones’ upset victory over twice removed Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore as a rebuke to President Donald Trump’s agenda and anticipate transformative midterm elections next year on the order of replacing all the hounds of hell with baby…

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Choreographed Twitching…by Will Durst

Sadly fascinating to endure another predictable dance performed on the national stage by our elected politicians in response to the recent horrendous concert shooting in Las Vegas. Well, not a dance, really, more like the choreographed twitching of an unruly mob. Both parties retired to their respective corners while spasmodically jerking and mumbling hushed gobbledygook that even first graders could recite verbatim in a show and tell version of Hypocritical Clichés. As surprising as milk- soaked hay after a missile strike on a dairy farm, Republicans slowly shook their heads somberly intoning that in the wake of such a tragic…

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F’ing Chutes and Ladders…by Will Durst

Here’s the deal: You don’t start out by calling someone an “f’ing moron.” That’s a final exclamatory heave after exhausting all other slanders. Fool. Jerk. Pinhead. Nitwit. Idiot. Nincompoop. Moron. Until finally… f’ing moron. It doesn’t quite scale the heights of “total f’ing moron” or “banana faced monkey dribbler,” but it’s close. So Rex Tillerson must have been at the end of his rope when he flung that particular phrase of scorn and contempt at Donald Trump. Sounds like a spontaneous human explosion stemming from a well of frustration so deep it echoes. The sort of expletive one blurts out…

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Hateful Haters Hating Hate…by Will Durst

Someone please tell the radical left to stop getting their panties in a bundle and quit calling our president a Nazi. Donald Trump proved himself a great friend of freedom when he promoted equivalency between the organized hate movement and people disgusted by them. Anyone who hates haters is equally responsible for hateful hating. That is obvious. After a riot broke out during a Unite the Right March in Charlottesville, Virginia, there was, according to President Trump, violence “on many sides.” He then sagely observed there are two sides to every story. Which is true. There are two sides to…

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Thermonuclear Chicken…by Will Durst

Time to dig a bomb shelter. Stockpile some Kool- Aid. Nibble some Tootsie Rolls while catching a double feature at the drive- in. Pull out your pedal pushers and Hula- hoops. Stick a transistor radio in a front shirt pocket and Twist yourself into the ground replicating the gyrations of Elvis. Presley. Not Costello. Hipsters with clunky glasses and skinny ties should feel right at home as the world sinks back into the Eisenhower Era, with a new Missile Crisis currently and clumsily unfolding before our very eyes. It’s a knock- down, drag- out battle of incendiary rhetoric between the…

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Make America Jurassic Again…by Will durst

President Donald Trump possesses a style described by friends as virile and intuitive and by foes as oafish and oblivious. Some see him a breath of fresh air, with a disarming directness and others consider him a blustering bully with the grace of a pile of crumbling cement blocks cascading off a flatbed truck. Passionate versus fool-hardy. Eager slash hasty. Swift or rash. But these are principally domestic arguments. The international community is not so divided. They view our new Chief Executive as a brutish barbarian whose goal is to antagonize the rest of the planet. Not just the other…

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Family Reunions

Guess what? It’s time to start planning for that event that strikes a chill in the heart of every true guy. The dreaded Arizona Family Reunion! WOW, what a thrill. Here we go again, or do we? Remember last year when the kids had the famous lemonade fight in the back seat of the car? How about the time you took the wrong turn because your wife was holding the map upside down and you ended up in the middle of the desert? All those memories pale in comparison to the time you waited in a three-hour detour in 100-degree…

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Gubernatorial Candidate

POLITICAL NEWS: In Minnesota, anyone who pays the $300 filing fee can get on the gubernatorial ballot. This year, Jonathon Sharkey, a blood-drinking satanic priest, who supports the impaling of terrorists, rapists, drug dealers and other criminals, and whose platform includes an emphasis on education, tax breaks for farmers and better benefits for veterans has thrown his kamelaukion in the ring. SAFE SEX NEWS: A Tulua, Colombia councilman wants to require everyone in town 14 or older to carry a condom to prevent pregnancy and disease, outraging local priests. William Pena said he will present a proposal to force all…

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An Arizona Summer

  The birds need oven mitts just to sit on a wire. The trees are whistling for the dogs for a little relief. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance from store. Hot water now comes out of both taps. Ranchers are feeding chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs. You can make sun tea instantly, in the shade. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes for a pretty good branding iron. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement…

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Exorcism on Robin Hood’s Grave

Q: I read recently that a malefic force was emanating from the grave of Robin Hood, in a secluded woodland on the grounds of Kirklees Hall near Brighouse, West Yorkshire, England. Rumors of hauntings prompted a group of psychic experts to conduct a full scale exorcism at the grave in April, 2005. Could Robin Hood’s spirit really have turned evil? A: My guess is the people who were spooked by his essence were probably the descendants of the Sheriff of Nottingham or the Bishop of Hereford. Q: I just took a course on scrying, the ancient act of divination for the purpose…

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Cornville Anniversary Gifts

Year 1 – Paper…Copy of your pre-nup claiming sheep possession Year 2 – Cotton…A small, wet t-shirt Year 3 – Leather…A loin cloth made with real loin Year 4 – Book…A checkbook balanced by a visiting relative Year 5 – Clock…A printout of her biological clock Year 6 – Iron…A seasoned frying pan Year 7 – Copper…Seven shiny pennies Year 8 – Bronze…A framed picture of you and your sheep Year 9 – Pottery…A cremation urn Year 10 – Tin…Beer cans saved from wedding limo Year 11 – Steel…A box of steel wool you stole Year 12 – Linen…A bag…

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