October 18, 2017

Snow and Sun Storing

CLIMATE CHANGE NEWS: Russia is storing winter snow in preparation for a dry, warm 2014. The host of the 2014 Winter Olympic Games, Sochi, Russia is preparing for a just-in-case scenario, a project costing more than $11 million. Winter games are dependent upon a lot of packed snow. Their wee-wee may contain too much vodka to make fake snow. The alarm has gone off and now Brazil, the host of the 2016 Summer Olympic Games, is rumored to be storing sunlight. STILL MORE UFO NEWS: In a recently released memo, the FBI has admitted that Herbert Hoover did order his…

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Heavy Petting Fine

PET POSING NEWS: A Florida man posted photos on Facebook showing himself hugging a baby manatee and was arrested on charges of harassing the endangered sea cow, wildlife officials said. A tipster saw the photos, alerting Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, which arrested a man on a misdemeanor charge punishable by up to six months in jail and a $500 fine. Dogs and cats everywhere, feeling a little endangered, are turning on their owners for heavy petting and the possible reward money. FOWL INVASION NEWS: Blackbirds and starlings have turned day to night in Hopkinsville, Kentucky. Simply put, their…

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Cyanide Cloud

MENTAL ENVIRONMENT NEWS: Authorities arrested a woman who told people at gas stations and hotels in the Village of Oak Creek, near Sedona, AZ, that they needed to evacuate because a cloud of cyanide gas was approaching from Phoenix. There was no cyanide cloud, and 55-year-old Christine Ann Long of Scottsdale was arrested on charges of disorderly and unreasonable noise. The only cloud turned out to be the fog in the woman’s mind. SUCKING NEWS: A 70-year-old man was charged with grand theft after police watched him siphon off more than 900 gallons of gasoline from underground storage tanks at…

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The Pros and Cons of Napping

HEALTH STUDY NEWS: In the largest study to date on the health effects of napping, researchers tracked 23,681 healthy Greek adults for an average of about six years. Those who napped at least three times weekly for about half an hour had a 37 percent lower risk of dying from heart attacks or other heart problems than those who did not nap. Of course, those found napping while driving ran a far greater risk of dying from an automobile accident. RECORD BREAKING NEWS: More than 6,000 couples kissed simultaneously at midnight one Saturday in the Philippines with organizers of the…

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Wrecked Rectitude . . . by Will Durst

Get out the big black Sharpie and pull down the official Presidential Campaign Manual because its time to redact the rules. Reality television star Donald Trump has altered the way politics is played to an extent that is game- changing. Judged on a scale of one to ten, think somewhere in the mid five figures. First off, candidates no longer have to worry about looking ridiculous. Actual clowns are now allowed to emerge from the clown car. Opportunism is in, while rationality has been swept off the table, along with class, integrity, decorum, common human decency and hygiene. Two, shooting…

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RUMPUS TRUMPUS CHUMPUS, by Will Durst

For all those bemoaning the lack of noise in the Republican presidential sweepstakes it’s time to get down on our knees and give thanks to Donald Trump because whatever that man touches turns to loud. He’s the gift that keeps on blaring. Has all the delicate innuendo of concrete curtain rods. Not just a loose cannon, more like a loose aircraft carrier. To say the campaign of the self- appointed captain of the S.S. Birther got off to a rocky start is like intimating that transatlantic telecommunications cables make substandard dental floss. Critics derided the guy who tried to trademark…

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Inside The News . . .by David Fidelman

WHAT FLOATS YOUR BOAT NEWS: A converted crabbing boat that recently became a floating strip club off the shore of an Alaska island, has been beset by legal tangles over safety rules and liquor laws and allegations it’s been dumping human waste into a harbor. So, other than the expired personal location beacon, expired inflatable devices on two life rafts and inoperable navigation sidelights and improperly pumping poop, everything was up to snuff. One would think the biggest issue with the floating house of nudity would be the crabs. SHORT BUS NEWS: A Montana bus driver called 911 to report…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

PAPAL NEWS: Pope Francis, addressed climate change in a speech in Manilla, saying man was destroying nature and betraying God’s calling to be stewards of creation. “As stewards of God’s creation, we are called to make the earth a beautiful garden for the human family. When we destroy our forests, ravage our soil and pollute our seas, we betray that noble calling,” he said. The American republican response was that there are other popes who would flat out deny those claims and say that deforestation, off-shore oil drilling and defracking are good. FLYING NUTS NEWS: An executive for Korean Air,…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

GOING POSTAL NEWS: Police say a man and a woman were going through mailboxes around the town of Sammamish, WA. Townspeople saw the thieve’s vehicle filled with mail and blocked the road. The couple ran. The woman was caught immediately, them stealing a kayak to make his escape in a pond. A neighbor grabbed his own kayak and paddled after the thief, who was up the pond without a paddle and rowing with his hands.   MONKEY BUSINESS NEWS: An injured monkey had fallen between the tracks, after touching high-tension wires at the train station in the north Indian city…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

GIVING THANKS NEWS: Police say a Pennsylvania woman chased her boyfriend around a dining room and stabbed him in the chest because he started eating Thanksgiving dinner while she slept off a bender. The boyfriend say she had too much to drink and fell asleep, so he helped himself to dinner while she slept. She stabbed him and threw the knife at him, cutting his face. This year, he was thankful his wounds were not life threatening. SHELL GAME NEWS: State crews in Indiana have put up “Turtle Crossing” signs along a busy road running beside a wildlife area in…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH NEWS: A bank robber who stopped during his escape to bum a cigarette off a construction worker has been sentenced to 10 years in prison by a federal judge in Pittsburgh. The man’s attorney argued his client has had a life-long problem with alcohol and should get a shorter term. The man’s addictions seem to have caught up with him. smoking really can be hazardous to your health – and freedom. ILL GOTTEN BOOTY NEWS: A man from Swansea, Wales, was accused of stealing more than 40,000 pounds ($64,000) from the bank account of an elderly…

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Inside The News . . .

SHADOWY NEWS: A groundhog died after being handled and then dropped by New York City Mayor, Bill de Blazio during this year’s Staten Island Zoo Groundhog Day ceremony. First, the groundhog was not the regular groundhog, Chuck but a stand-in named Charlotte, who saw her shadow, predicting six more weeks of winter. Perhaps the people running the zoo should realize groundhogs are wild rodents and not pets or playthings. MUTANT NINJA NEWS: A Canadian man has been charged after border agents at the Detroit-Windsor Tunnel found more than 50 turtles strapped to his body and hidden between his legs. The…

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Inside The News

NOT DEAD YET NEWS: A man, declared dead in 1994, has tried unsuccessfully to undo his death. Even as he stood in court last year providing evidence of his existence, a Hancock County judge turned down a request to bring him back to life, citing a three-year limit for changing a death ruling. But the Social Security Administration accepts his new life and wants his two daughters to return more than $47,000 to cover benefits they received. THUNDERBIRD NEWS: A Texas woman allegedly stole a bottle of $3.99 wine from a convenience store to get arrested and see her jailed…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

BAD AFLAC NEWS: A New Hampshire woman who called police after stopping in a highway median to help some stranded ducklings plans to fight a $44 ticket. The only reason the police showed up was because the woman called them after braking to avoid killing the ducks. The mother and many ducklings had been run over and lay dead on the highway. Hopefully, this cop doesn’t have any animals at home. WRONG DOOR NEWS: Police say a man who fled from a Mississippi traffic stop was apparently so focused on getting away he unknowingly ran into a law enforcement academy….

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

PRIESTLY THEFT NEWS: Police arrested three 22-year-old men after someone reported seeing someone wearing vestments stolen from the St. Joseph Roman Catholic Church in Gardner, Massachusetts. Police say they have a motive, but are not making it public until they finish the investigation, and it was not anti-religious. Some speculate it was to boost fund raising while washing windshields. INTERCEPTED PASS NEWS: Michigan authorities say a man tried to throw a football loaded with drugs and cell phones into the yard of a state prison with the football landing between two fences. It was reported that the ball contained heroin,…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

BULLY FOR YOU NEWS: “I’m against bullying, but I’m getting damn tired of it being used as a mantra for everything, and the ills of the world. When all most people just have to grow a pair, and stick up for them damn selves.” So says the Juneor of Porterville, California, where, evidently, even the females are encouraged to sport male genitalia. Sounds like the Juneor needs to grow a brain. EDUMACATIONAL NEWS: A Connecticut college dropout was arrested after admitting to calling in two bomb threats to keep her family from learning she had quit Quinnipiac University. She made…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

WORD FOR WORD NEWS:  A Kansas man charged with first-degree murder is afraid the tattooed mirror-image letters spelling out the word “murder” across his neck might prejudice a jury, so he is asking for a professional tattoo artist to remove or cover it up. A tattoo artist was able to remove the tattoo and replace it with the words, “I Did It.” REALLY DAFFY NEWS: A woman visiting her mother in Oregon is suing her neighbor, seeking $275,000 for pain, suffering and other damages she says were inflicted when a pet duck ambushed her for no apparent reason. In her…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

POST OFFICE DELIVERS NEWS:  Rev. Rudolph Daniels Sr., of New Jersey,had withdrawn $5000 to give to his children as a late Christmas present. He says he lost the wallet while walking home in a snowstorm. A postal worker found the wallet with the money and Daniels’ identification, and returned to the post office who contacted the reverend. The worker refused a reward. This proves definitively the postal service is not affiliated with the government. ALL GOD’S CHILDREN NEWS: A Catholic priest in Rhode Island was counseling teenagers when he told one he hoped the child rot in Hell. The priest…

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Inside The News . . . by David Fidelman

THAT’S A CROC NEWS: Crocodiles, it has been discovered, climb to keep a lookout on their territory and to warm themselves in the sun. They also use sticks and twigs to simulate a nest on their snouts to catch birds. This new discovery will force scientists to renew the way way they make conclusions from extinct files. Some say it may be possible extinct even-toed ungulates actually took to the skies. in layman terms that translates into pigs flying. STUCK UP NEWS: An Oregon man placed an emergency call to 911 to demand immediate assistance. It seems his wife’s jacket…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

BETTING NEWS: New Jersey’s grid-iron guessing camel died just weeks before the state is set to host its first Super Bowl. Princess was a fixture at the Popcorn Park Zoo for 10 years and gained fame for picking winners. Princess correctly’ picked the Baltimore Ravens last year. In the 2008 season, she picked 17 of 22 games correctly, including the Steelers super Bowl XLIII win. Due to her demise, Vegas odds makers are looking for a new pigskin picking pet. HAUNTING NEWS: A couple put the house in northeastern Pennsylvania up for sale last month, they advertised it as “slightly…

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