October 18, 2017

Exorcism on Robin Hood’s Grave

Q: I read recently that a malefic force was emanating from the grave of Robin Hood, in a secluded woodland on the grounds of Kirklees Hall near Brighouse, West Yorkshire, England. Rumors of hauntings prompted a group of psychic experts to conduct a full scale exorcism at the grave in April, 2005. Could Robin Hood’s spirit really have turned evil? A: My guess is the people who were spooked by his essence were probably the descendants of the Sheriff of Nottingham or the Bishop of Hereford. Q: I just took a course on scrying, the ancient act of divination for the purpose…

Secret Consultant’s Report Revealed

First there was a visit to the Mazatzal Testicle Festival south of Payson to interview some of the more impressive visitors. Next came a tip that a group of rich, white Arizonans had been caught smuggling themselves into Mexico to pick melons. Then word reached a Special Excentric Task Force that someone had squirted Mary Guaraldi, Canyon Moon Theatre’s Producing Director, with of all things, a squirt gun. “Why?” is the burning question! And you, gentle readers, think that Excentric correspondents just sit around sipping Bombay gin martinis all day long? But those newsworthy items pale when compared to the…

Quarterly Meeting

The Doodlebug Island Development and Adjudication Board, Bureau of Licensing and Energy recently held their “quarterly” meeting; actually held sporadically and on an unpublished basis–to consider two licensing requests. The first involved the application of Bink Manley to start a fish-food operation; the second, an application to establish a counseling service whose purpose centered around a vortex and crystal recovery program. After the shortest meeting on record (no records are ever kept), members of the licensing bureau approved the first and denied the second. Naturally, Bink was elated while the counseling service people were outraged. “Are we to understand,” they…

Interview with the Tycoon

At dawn the other morning, just before closing time at the Pink Nectar Cafe, a sleek private jet slithered into the Rimrock International Airport. Surrounded by a battalion of showgirls, who should step out? Fernald Frump, the legendary, the semi-mythical TV star and Eastern land baron. Now it so happened that a Special Excentric Investigative Task Force was also at the airport that morning awaiting a cargo of common sense for local politicians. Sensing a scoop, your intrepid columnist approached the legendary tycoon, and his battalion of barely clothed lollapaloozas. “Get away kid, you’re really starting to bother me,” he…

The Legendary El Chupacabra

Q: I read where a Texas family believes the legendary El Chupacabra may be to blame for the death of dozens of chickens on their farm. The Garcia family of Horizon City says they were shocked to see 30 of their animals turn up dead overnight. Sherif’s deputies investigated the incident, but had no explanation on how the animals may have died. Do you think a Chupacabra could have killed their chickens? A: It’s possible. Although, I have recently seen evidence of conditions being so poor at chicken farms that mass suicides may have taken place. Q: A friend told…

Budgetary Fears Overblown

Money is like an arm or leg. Use it or lose it. —Henry Ford To hear city leaders tell it, Sedona is in for some rough financial weather what with perpetually tatterdemalion road construction, high-ceilinged gasoline prices that could scare away Tourons, not to mention store closures due to scandalously high rents and national and international chains gobbling up local shops and stores. What’s clearly needed is a major endeavor to support and sustain local businesses—for openers; meantime, we need fewer people who contend that what’s needed is thinking out of the box. What box? What if the box is…

Phil’s Reasoning

Life-long Doodlebug Island resident Phil Malvern owns and manages a Jeep outfit that offers scenic tours of the Sedona area to visitors. He’s a no-nonsense kind of guy, a straight arrow that sticks to historical fact and accurate topographical information. In this, he is the opposite of his chief driver, Curley Gwelthausen, who holds the patent on storytelling and imaginative labeling. Curley explains that since he generally hauls people who are innocent of any type of Arizona history, and who wouldn’t know a metamorphic rock from a rock by any other name, he feels free to embroider, embellish, and “label…

Sedona Queries

If Coffeepot Rock sees its shadow, do we have to switch from mocha lattes to iced cappuccinos? Can I use my Red Rock Pass to park anywhere and what if someone is in my space? If there is a Snoopy Rock, why isn’t there a Charlie Brown Rock and Lucy Rock? Who made Snoopy Rock, anyway? Where do all the people who work at A Day In The West go at night? Does everyone who lives in Cornville have to grow corn? Where is the mountain with the Indian Presidents’ faces on it? How come every time I visit a…

You May Teach In Sedona If…

You request the staff room be equipped with a valium salt lick. You want to slap people you overhear saying, “It must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers off.” You believe chocolate is a food group. You want a “Shallow Gene Pool” box added to report cards, but realize as far as you’ll get is “Not Quite As Gifted As Others.” All personal life between August and June is a blur. You think calling you by your first name should be reserved for adults only, if that’s okay with the kids and their parents. You have…

Copper

Sedona! Amusing things can happen here; never, ever doubt it! Like this one occasion here– Let me tell you all about it: T’other day, for heaven’s sake, I got myself arrested– Yep, that’s a fact that’s been quite well tested. I was approached by this large and very beefy cop Who claimed I’d ignored his signal for me to stop. I got the impression he thought I’d been drinking, With no reason at all for that kind of thinking. But a real drunk who’d just come out from a nearby bar Drove off– and hit that corpulent cop’s own car!…

Barbecue the Sacred Cow

Recently I saw my neighbor Gee Gee and noticed she had a long, gloomy face. I debated whether or not to ask her what was wrong. I knew that if I asked I would be capitulated into a cerebral wasteland, listening to her mind-numbing monologue, and waste another half-hour of my life, a half-hour I would never get back. While these thoughts raced through my mind, she walked over and stated, “Guess what happened to me?” Gee Gee is the kind of neighbor you only seek out when your life needs a little soap opera excitement. If she is not talking…

Roundabouts

Sedona Excentric World staff members take a look back at roundabouts and the benefits they added to controlling traffic during peak seasons in and around and around Sedona. After deciding not to force their cookie-cutter four-lane highway on the residents of Sedona and the Village of Oak Creek (the “other Sedona” to unsuspecting visitors), Arizona Department of Transportation engineers decided what the area needed was roundabouts–and lots of them. Roundabouts are not new tp traffic schemes. In fact, they are strewn throughout Europe, Asia and the eastern United States. As one can easily ascertain from this picture, they definitely make getting…

Sedona Alien Party Cancelled

…Vortexes had to be closed for remodeling. …Confusion between followers of a harmonic convergence and supporters of a harmonica emergence. …Date lost when calendar destroyed after discovering pictures of half-naked, out-of-work, pensionless, Mayan priests promoting each month. …Aliens expected to attend had to return home to retrieve forgotten chips and dip. …Extraterrestrials objected to souvenir t-shirts with slogan, “Have You Been Probed Today?” …Party threatened to be crashed by gang that dashes from psychic to psychic, called “Channel Surfers.” …Jean Vixen’s prediction of a mass exodus. …The only vendor able to attend sells Indian Tacos and everyone knows Aliens are…

Sedona Proverbs

Do not judge a king by his crown or a peasant by his boots, but avoid those who wear both a belt and suspenders. Anything is possible for those who think it so and happen to be filthy rich. Those who wrestle with their conscience find the fight fixed. He who lives in a house of straw should not light too many prayer candles and avoid ear coning. He who knows not where he is will still refuse directions. You never know what you can accomplish until your spouse forces you to do it. He that is sure he knows…

Santa of Sedona’s Traits

He arrives in a reindeer-drawn UFO. His suit is the color of red rock dust. He never refers to a list. He uses a crystal ball to determine what Sedona kids want. Instead oh Ho, Ho, Ho, he chants Ommm, Ommm, Ommm. There’s a funny smell coming from his pipe. His beard is twisted into braids. Rudolph’s nose is teal. Hires temporary helpers from roadsides to expedite gift delivery. Sports a Kokopelli tattoo on his left forearm. Only delivers fruitcakes to the people who have been naughty. Stores extra gifts in Chimney Rock. Has mullet haircut under his red cap….

Letter to the Chimney Man

Dear Santa, Let me be blunt. Do you actually exist? This querulous query draws me, a humble divorcee, into angry arguments with some of my quasi-academic friends—not to mention all my X’s in Texas. It’s like this. Over flagons of easy-on-the-pocket sherry in the faculty lounge, academics insist on insisting that what seems real is actually unreal and what appears to be unreal is really as real as yellow violets on April days. Therefore, they say, it doesn’t matter whether I believe in you or not, since what IS just IS. So let me get straight to the point. It is my…

Santa’s Xtreme Makeover!

SEDONA, AZ. “The Amazing Race,” “American Idol,” “The Apprentice,” “The Bachelor,” “Wife Swapping,” “Fear Factor,” “Last Comic Standing,” “Survivor,” “Trading Spaces” and “Extreme Makeover” are a few of the television shows replacing sitcoms as America’s prime-time viewing choices. Capitalizing on the popularity of the sometimes racy, mostly inane shows and the viewing public’s obvious need for entertainment at par with bobbing for fugu, Santa Claus, the real one, not one of the department store imitators, has decided to shoot a reality show in the once rustic, tranquil Sedona, Arizona. “Sedona, a city recently jolted by the onslaught of progress, is…

You’re an Old Sedonan…

When you buy a computer to send email to save on postage. When you count your Bingo losses as church offerings. When you are told your memory bank has been burglarized. When asked about liquid assets, you search the stock in the liquor cabinet. When a prune juice wine cooler is your favorite beverage. When your skull x-rays are mistaken for those of an extinct not-so-great ape. When you check into a motel and suffer motion sickness while reading the Bible on the Magic Fingers vibrating bed. When you go to an All-U-Can-Eat buffet and the hot food is cold…

It Was a Dark and Stormy Night . . .

It has been said that one of the great financiers of the early 20th century liquidated his portfolio shortly after he discovered his chauffeur had dabbled in the market—and shortly before the great crash of 1929. I don’t know if the story is true or not. Nor do I care. But I certainly get the point—when the amateurs take the field, it’s time to sell your season tickets. The question now rattling about my head is, “Will I heed the old nabob’s advice in light of what I see coming across my desk, or will I hang on to the…

Rejected Sedona Treats

Ahhhhhhhhhhhg! The Sedona City Council is busy with sticky issues. Recently, they voted to reject a number of proposed treats Uptown vendors were preparing for this Halloween’s annual Uptown Trick or Treat Night. The rejected confections include: Black Licorice Street Lamp Blocking Masks Sugar Coated Shilajit Squirrel Turds Organic Alien Fingers Crystal Crunchers Jell-O Beans Petrified Popcorn Puffs Red Licorice Alien Brains Splenda Dipped Juniper Bark Daffy Taffy Slide Rock Ultra Slim Jims Smoked Trout Farm Balls Page Springs Mesquite Logs Road Kill Fritters On A Stick Trail Mix From West Fork Trail Smoked Gristle Stardust Sprinkled Red Rock Succotash…