October 22, 2018

That Really Bunches My Panties . . . by Brendon Marks


The only bond that is stronger than the one between a man and his pick-up is the one between anyone and their convertible. Any vehicle can provide transportation, a means to get from one place to another, but a convertible sets you free to experience the joys of being mobile.

A convertible allows the wind to caress your hair as your lover used to, and provides the opportunity to experience the sights, sounds, and smells of the world around you at a speed unsurpassed by any other mode of transportation. Who can forget the first time you drove by an orchard at blossom time, or past a stand of lilac bushes beside the carcass of a farmhouse foundation on a country road, or for that matter, any carcass on any road?

Of course if you have a nose the size of mine, you can tell what brand of gas is being burned in the car ahead of you. Or maybe even what the driver had for lunch. Each venture into the great outdoors with the top down is an extraordinary olfactory experience, a kaleidoscope of fragrances unavailable to the air-conditioned occupants of glass, plastic, and steel cocoons.

The convertible is an engineering marvel. Having no fixed roof requires a much sturdier frame to prevent it from buckling in the middle which would result in the front and rear passengers attempting to occupy the same space. This, according to my high school physics teacher, would cause a great deal of discomfort to all parties involved. Actually, I’m surprised there’s not enough flexing involved causing the doors to either pop open or get pinched so they won’t open at all.

The heavier frame and lack of a roof are the major factors that give the convertible a very low center of gravity and make it difficult to turn over. Not like the currently popular SUVs that tend to spend so much of the time lying on their roof with their wheels in the air like one of the aforementioned carcasses. Of course if you do happen to flip a convertible over, you had better be really short and have your seat belt fastened extra tight or there is a distinct possibility that you will ruin a perfectly good hat, not to mention the contents thereof.

This is the main reason why people who own convertibles are by far the best drivers and have never been known to speed or do anything else foolish while operating their mechanical marvels.

There are other advantages to driving a convertible. For example, both arms are tanned, instead of just the left one, or the right one in Australia. It makes no difference in England, nothing tans there. Actually, if you stay away from bridges, buses, semis, and those high-flying SUVs, you can pretty much tan whatever you want.

Cloth seats are highly recommended and be sure you have a full tank of gas before embarking on one of these excursions. But I suppose you could stop at a strip mall; you’re already dressed for it.

A word of caution however, in some states the only bond you will know is the one you will have to post to get out of jail.

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