August 23, 2017

An Arizona Summer

The birds need oven mitts just to sit on a wire. The trees are whistling for the dogs for a little relief. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance from store. Hot water now comes out of both taps. Ranchers are feeding chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs. You can make sun tea instantly, in the shade. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes for a pretty good branding iron. Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and…

Reigning Cats and Dogs

Where would we be without our pets? Not only do we consider them members of the family, but in some cases, we actually dress them as if they were human. You know who you are. It starts simple enough at Christmas parties when you put those silly fake antlers on top of the dog’s head–no matter the size of dog– and pretend the poor pooch is one of Santa’s reindeer. Over the years, the dog becomes Mr. or Mrs. Claus for the family photo. Then, before anyone has noticed, the dog appears in public in outfits ranging from cowboys to…

Quarterly Meeting

The Doodlebug Island Development and Adjudication Board, Bureau of Licensing and Energy recently held their “quarterly” meeting; actually held sporadically and on an unpublished basis–to consider two licensing requests. The first involved the application of Bink Manley to start a fish-food operation; the second, an application to establish a counseling service whose purpose centered around a vortex and crystal recovery program. After the shortest meeting on record (no records are ever kept), members of the licensing bureau approved the first and denied the second. Naturally, Bink was elated while the counseling service people were outraged. “Are we to understand,” they…

Nose Job

The other day I shaved my nose Without a second thought. And, now, I find my life has changed!— In fact, it’s changed a lot! While staring in the mirror I saw Some peach fuzz on my snout, And, so, I took my razor and I scraped it down and out! A few days passed, and once again, While studying my schnoz, I saw ferocious fuzziness, Like on a rabbit’s paws! Two weeks have come and gone and now My nose is cloaked in fur!— An unintended consequence, A pelt I can’t deter! I’m thinking now of changing jobs To…

Sedona Queries

If Coffeepot Rock sees its shadow, do we have to switch from mocha lattes to iced cappuccinos? Can I use my Red Rock Pass to park anywhere and what if someone is in my space? If there is a Snoopy Rock, why isn’t there a Charlie Brown Rock and Lucy Rock? Who made Snoopy Rock, anyway? Where do all the people who work at A Day In The West go at night? Does everyone who lives in Cornville have to grow corn? Where is the mountain with the Indian Presidents’ faces on it? How come every time I visit a…

You’re in Cornville If…

Your golf cart is street legal and can outpace most cars. You can pay by check or credit card for window washing. Meals-On-Wheels is the name of a pizza delivery business. Your yard is fenced and separated according to species. You have an abundance of unused Tupperware lids because the bottoms are scattered through the house collecting drips. You have to borrow money from a distant relative to shop at the dollar store. Your personal experience qualifies you as a licensed midwife. You have a vast collection of Barbie Dolls without heads. You decorate everything in your yard during all…

Snoopy Rock’s To Do List

Get Sedonans to chip in on decent Dog House Rock. Quit chasing Rooster Rock, except on weekends. Invite the Red Baron over for pizza. Stop lifting leg every time I pass Chimney Rock. Have Garfield and Odie over for Red Dog Beer. Head up petition drive to outlaw celebrity rock dog neutering. Go to Slide Rock and cool off the hot paws. Make Football Rock for Charlie Brown. Renew subscription to AKC Gazette magazine. Stop chasing tail during full moon. Get back frisbee from bully extraterrestrials. Sniff backs of rocks shaped like dogs. Persuade folks at Eukanuba to sponsor rock…

Vincent Van Gogh’s Relatives?

His dizzy aunt … Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes … Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store … Stop N Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia … U Gogh His magician uncle … Where-diddy Gogh His Mexican cousin …  Amee Gogh The Mexican cousin’s American half-brother … Gring Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach … Wells-far Gogh The constipated uncle … Can’t Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt … Tang Gogh The bird lover uncle … Flamin Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking … Way-to-Gogh The little bouncy nephew … Poe Gogh A sister who loved disco … Go Gogh And…