June 25, 2017

Senior Fashion Faux Pas

It’s bad enough that young people today have their thighs mixed up with their waists. But c’mon, you older folks, there are things you should’ve learned by now. Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided: A nose ring and bifocals Spiked hair and bald spots A pierced tongue and dentures Miniskirts and support hose Ankle bracelets and corn pads Speedos and cellulite A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge Bikinis…

Remember When People Used to Say…

(1) “I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.00.” (2) “Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long when $5,000 will only buy a used one.” (3) “If cigarettes keep going up in price, I’m going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.” (4) “Did you hear the post office might charge a dime to mail a letter?” (5) “If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire help.” (6) “When…

You’re an Old Sedonan…

When you buy a computer to send email to save on postage. When you count your Bingo losses as church offerings. When you are told your memory bank has been burglarized. When asked about liquid assets, you search the stock in the liquor cabinet. When a prune juice wine cooler is your favorite beverage. When your skull x-rays are mistaken for those of an extinct not-so-great ape. When you check into a motel and suffer motion sickness while reading the Bible on the Magic Fingers vibrating bed. When you go to an All-U-Can-Eat buffet and the hot food is cold…

Happy Holidays–It’s Not as Bad as It Sounds

By the time your ink stained hands have riffled through this month’s Excentric, searching madly for my monthly column, I will be squatting Asian style on a white sand beach somewhere off the coast of Thailand, with only my fears of a tidal wave separating me from tropical nirvana. Yes, for those who have followed my sordid escapades over the last decade or more, you know that when the holidays hit, I split. Pukapuka, Sri Lanka, Cocoa Island, Ihuro and my present paradise, the Similan Islands off southern Thailand, have become my vacation home as I do my very best…

Retiring in Sedona

You are asked to sign a “hold harmless” agreement before Boy Scouts help you cross the street. You pimped-out your golf cart with training wheels. Instead of “air guitar” you show off with “air harp.” You have to quit your arts and crafts class because the glue and paint are making you dizzy. Your idea of Trail Mix is a mixture of soy nuts, Tums, aspirin and dried prunes. You consult your psychic about removing one of your kidneys in hopes that you’ll have to pee less often. Hanging around a vortex seems to make your “senior moment” last for…