October 18, 2017

Gubernatorial Candidate

POLITICAL NEWS: In Minnesota, anyone who pays the $300 filing fee can get on the gubernatorial ballot. This year, Jonathon Sharkey, a blood-drinking satanic priest, who supports the impaling of terrorists, rapists, drug dealers and other criminals, and whose platform includes an emphasis on education, tax breaks for farmers and better benefits for veterans has thrown his kamelaukion in the ring. SAFE SEX NEWS: A Tulua, Colombia councilman wants to require everyone in town 14 or older to carry a condom to prevent pregnancy and disease, outraging local priests. William Pena said he will present a proposal to force all…

Cottonwood to Buy Salt River Project

According to a confidential Excentric source that will heretofore be referred to only as “Big Gulp,” the City of Cottonwood has launched a hostile takeover bid for the water and power giant, Salt River Project. According to Big Gulp, it is only the tip of the iceberg as far as what Cottonwood has in mind for the future. Did we say iceberg? Yes! “We want it all,” said Big Gulp, “Lake Powell, Lake Mead, Lake Michigan and the polar icecap. We are sick and tired of being kicked around by those water junkies down in Maricopa County and now we…

Interstate 17 and Oak Creek Rerouted

For the last several years now, the residents of Baja Sedona have begun displaying the same ability, or should I say inability, to come to terms with the road building schemes of their resident member of the Yavapai County Triumvirate as their neighbors to the north. Not to be outdone by the repeated demands of the citizens of Sedona, the Baja-Ha-Ha’s have discovered some truly innovative ways to upset the powers that be. It’s a dubious distinction that deserves a bit of a history lesson before we point out the recent errors committed by the hapless bandy-legged sots down on the south side. It…