January 21, 2018

Sedona Senior Olympics

Four Meter Fall Down and Get Up Trials All-U-Can-Eat Light Breakfast Buffet Relay Lazy Boy Recliner Nap Off The Limbo Pole Low Jump Belly-Up-To-The-Bar Shotput Eating, Sleeping and Pill-Taking Triathalon Two Hour Let Your Fingers Do The Walking Phone-Off Back Yard Barbecue Skewer Toss Macarena Marathon Adjusting Your Truss vs. Adjusting Your Trust Bank Vaulting Backing Car Out Of Post Office Parking Lot Contest Hot Tub Water Polo Wine Tasting For Mixed Doubles Synchronized Wading Golf Cart Drag Racing Memory Marathon Jumping While High Automobile Directional Signal Turn-A-Thon Related posts: Sedona Vortex Experiences Retiring in Sedona Sedona Alien Party Cancelled…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

THE 500 YEAR OLD WOMAN It could have been a typo, but    My screen declared it true: “500 Year Old Women Would    Just Love To Dine With You!” Five hundred year old women!  Wow!    I’ve never dated one! But, dinner conversations might    Just turn out to be fun! She might have camped at Jamestown or    Baked clams at Plymouth Rock! She might have posed for Rembrandt or    Sung lullabies to Bach! She might have dated Jan Vermeer    Or eaten Cromwell’s hens! She might have peeked at Richelieu    Through Galileo’s lens! But, Thomas…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Q:  It seems that the popularity of True Blood and Vampire Diaries, and especially the enormous success of Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight series has contributed to the surge of vampire wanna-bees. Groups are forming celebrating with those from the Goth community in an attempt to fulfill some inner spiritual need. Are these people out there drinking blood? A: Personally, I think these people are out there, but basically harmless. Q: I read that different countries have records of wee people existing on their lands. The Irish have leprechauns, Scandinavians have trolls and Icelanders have their elves. Recent sightings by people in…

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Advertising For Beginners

The Sedona Excentric investigative team looks into advertising practices in some foreign countries. Now that China has determined to move its farmers and ranchers off their land and into apartments built for the masses by the government, other Asian countries are considering becoming less dependent on imports and more self-sufficient at the expense of their citizens’ independence. If these women are to survive as owners of a spare tire company, they need to come up with an advertising plan to attract major auto makers. They make little tires that come with new vehicles – the ones that you should only…

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Legal Matters, But So Do Brains

The following 20 questions were asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and in certain cases the responses given by the insightful witnesses as reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association lawyers Journal. 1) “Now Dr., isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?” 2) “The youngest son, the 20-year-old, hold is he?” 3) “Were you present when your picture was taken?” 4) “Were you alone or by yourself?” 5) “Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?” 6) “Did he kill you?” 7)…

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An Excentric Look Into The Future

In May, our crack Excentric staff takes a look at new clothing accessories designed to accommodate young apartment dwellers who are pet friendly. Many areas prohibit pets, either due to space limitations or potty issues. To this day, some pet lovers refuse to carry litter lifting bags. The answer is  dog poop power. Most collected feces currently go in the trash and to landfills. They release methane gas, a significant contributor to climate change. In 2010, a dog park in Cambridge, Mass., brought in a methane digester. Dog waste now powers streetlights, a tea cart and popcorn machine. Even though…

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The Gateway to Cornville

Sedona Excentric World staff members take a look at how the upper crust of Cornville lives. People from this rural area are known around the globe for their devil-may-care lifestyle, fancy-schmancy vehicles and weekly no-tie cocktail parties until the sun comes up or everyone passes out. Now, many Sedonans, disappointed and disillusioned by the once happening, hippy laden, New Age artist retirement colony, are leaving the city in droves to relocate to the land of the unpretentious party animals. “These people simply have not forgotten how to have a good time,” a bartender at the Page Springs Restaurant was overheard…

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Inside The News . . . by David Fidelman

THAT’S A CROC NEWS: Crocodiles, it has been discovered, climb to keep a lookout on their territory and to warm themselves in the sun. They also use sticks and twigs to simulate a nest on their snouts to catch birds. This new discovery will force scientists to renew the way way they make conclusions from extinct files. Some say it may be possible extinct even-toed ungulates actually took to the skies. in layman terms that translates into pigs flying. STUCK UP NEWS: An Oregon man placed an emergency call to 911 to demand immediate assistance. It seems his wife’s jacket…

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Increase the Minimum Wage!

Our Excentric Investigative Staff take a look  at the reasoning behind keeping the minimum wage at or below poverty level. While the richest 1% of wage earners in the United States had massive increases in their salaries and bonuses, the rest of the country has experienced stagnating incomes. Meanwhile, costs of everything from milk and bread to veggies and meat. While shopping, our staff noticed that companies who seemed to keep their products at or near the same prices of recent years past are offering smaller amounts in smaller in smaller containers, thereby tricking the average buyer  and keeping them…

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Bullying in the Animal Kingdom

The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at bullying. For centuries, humans have been known to pick on the most vulnerable. Often, a crowd would gather to encourage the stronger person to tease, taunt and sometimes physically attack an inferior person often unable to defend themselves. Whether it was stealing someone’s lunch money or giving them a wedgy, it was meant to humiliate and hurt. Now, with social media, people are using computers and cell phones to harass, embarrass, and mentally scar others to make themselves seem more powerful. Once thought limited to humans, bullying now has been observed…

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Diagnosable . . . by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

               DIAGNOSABLE I took a short vacation to    A warm and gentle clime To catch up on my reading ‘cuz    I never find the time. I read The Book of Mormon and    I read the Bible, too, The Torah and the Talmud and    I realized the author was The same guy in all four–    Not only that, He wrote them while    Cross-legged, on the floor, Without a single laptop or    A smart-phone or a pen, And, in an instant, all at once,    Which underscores, again, That God is truly gifted and   …

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Kozmik Korner . . . by Lush Gumball

Q:  I read about a family in Israel, near the Lebanon border that houses a statue of the Virgin Mary that weeps oil. Neighbors from miles are said to have been flocking to the home. Once wiped down, the statue seems to immediately show signs of moisture. one woman even said the statue spoke to her. So many times, these claims have turned out to be hoaxes. Could this be the real thing? A: Possibly. I wonder if it’s olive oil. Q: I heard about yet another Bigfoot sighting. This time by a couple in Potter County, Pennsylvania. They describe…

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First Do No Harm?

The Sedona Excentric investigative team looks into the growing obsession people are having with enhancing their appearance.  While the gentleman pictured on the right may seem to have been a bit excessive with his piercings, the lady pictured on the left may have gone a bit too far while seeking to augment her bust line. As far as the potential harm they may be bringing to themselves with these attempts to garner attention. the man could have his entire face ripped off if he walked under an industrial magnet or, suffer from radiation exposure if he ever needed dental x-rays….

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You Know You’re Finally a Sedonan When: by J.C. Brookwood

Anatomically correct dolls don’t resemble any of your body parts. Your neighbors get frightened when they see you naked. You realize, too late, that your entire life has been based on a true story. You join a movement to get drugs off the street and back into the medicine cabinets where they belong. Your sunscreen nearly doubles your body weight. Some people think you are a large Shar-Pei. You go to an antique auction and someone bids on you. Your leg of lamb has a hip replacement. You have to wear pants with air bags to protect yourself. Your belt…

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An Excentric Look Into The Future

In April, our crack Excentric staff take a look at Spring Break 2014. With thousands of college students expected to flock to party cities around the country, wrecking havoc on bars and hotels. Hopefully, this reveler is posing for friends looking to have their picture go viral on social media. With cameras on every cell phone, everyone is  subject to being caught on film. Maybe Senator Rand Paul and Freedom Works could get a class-action lawsuit against cell phone makers for invasion of privacy.   Related posts: An Excentric Look Into The Future . . . Excentric Look Into The…

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Typical Excentric Reader

This month’s typical Excentric Readers is Tom Buroojy currently from New Jersey, formerly from Sedona. Here is a photo from my trip to Norway. Edvard Munch was so impressed with the Sedona Excentric that he painted “The Scream” to illustrate his “approval” of this infamous paper. One can easily imagine that Edvard Munch captured the look on most people’s faces when they first figured out the Sedona Excentric was satire. The Excentric is one of the best examples of life imitating art. Often, our staff members observe first-time Excentric readers in the exact pose of the subject in the famous…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

BETTING NEWS: New Jersey’s grid-iron guessing camel died just weeks before the state is set to host its first Super Bowl. Princess was a fixture at the Popcorn Park Zoo for 10 years and gained fame for picking winners. Princess correctly’ picked the Baltimore Ravens last year. In the 2008 season, she picked 17 of 22 games correctly, including the Steelers super Bowl XLIII win. Due to her demise, Vegas odds makers are looking for a new pigskin picking pet. HAUNTING NEWS: A couple put the house in northeastern Pennsylvania up for sale last month, they advertised it as “slightly…

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Curmudheon Corner

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: REALITY “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” A. Einstein “It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.” Philip K. Dick “Everything is the way it is because we’ve all agreed that’s the way it is.” Charles de Lint “Imagination might be scarier than reality … but not…

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In 1955, they had sold over 1 million

A new study on businesses franchises that celebrated over 50 years in business. In that time, McDonald’s has grown into a world-wide empire. In January 2012, the company announced revenue for 2011 reached an all-time high of $27 billion, and that 2400 restaurants would be updated and 1300 new ones opened worldwide. While their burgers remain a low-cost item on their menu, many of their employees still struggle to put food on their tables. Sadly, in today’s economy, slinging burgers is longer just a kid’s job. Related posts: Entertainment In and Around Sedona The Government, Part Whatever, IIIish

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Now That’s Cute!

The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at Cute – not the Justin Bieber or Taylor Swift cute, but true cute – the kind of cute you find only in adorable puppies and kittens, especially when they are asleep. This kitten couldn’t be any cuter. Our mascot Moshe, likes to sleep with her arms wrapped around something – usually one of our writer’s arms. If you turn back to Page 4 in this issue (incase you are flipping through the pages looking at the pictures) you will find an eye opening article from “Buckshot,” the cat who lives with…

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