June 22, 2018

Minister of Reality, Doug (Rabbit) Sutherland

PRISM GLANCES I saw the little girl again In that old woman’s eyes!– The look, the smile, the twinkle that Belies her aged disguise! Her eyes are prisms bending time Back 90 years or more, And, there she is, a clear-eyed child Prepared to rise and soar! My Friend, who loves a boy of two Declares with certainty, Through prism glances sees him as A man of seventy! His eyes confirm experience Of decades still unknown!– Of mended hearts and scattered dreams, The fruits of seeds unsown! In every girl of 90 there’s The child to clearly see; In every…

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Proxy Rematch, by Will Durst

Might want to stuff your pants pockets with sand and hang onto the rail as the ship of state lurches towards the distinct possibility that the election to next command the helm will be between Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton. The brother versus the wife. Sounds like a probate lawsuit. This promises to be a fabulous development for comedians everywhere, precipitating the resurrection of all our 1992 Bush/ Clinton material. It’s the green thing to do. Recycling meets nostalgia. Together again for the very first time. A rematch by proxy. Now, if only we could coax Ross Perot back into…

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Doug (Rabbit) Sutherland, Minister of Reality

THE SHROUD OF WISDOM It’s true I’m old and wizened with All systems set to fail. My knees are weak, my elbows creak, My wattles flap and flail. But, there are compensations for The countless years I’ve sown. For, all of life’s a tradeoff, and In countless ways I’ve grown. I understand my fellow man Far better than before; I find compassion in my heart, Forgiveness at my core. The multitudes petition me To council in their strife– The shroud of wisdom, settled on The shoulders of my life. They tell me that I’m blessed and wise; To them it’s…

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Crazy Cruzy, by Will Durst

Winter is over! Winter is over! Excuse the jubilation, but we ink- stained wretches love the ritual excitement that occurs every spring- before- the Big Quadrennial with the first sighting of a red nose popping out of the presidential wannabe clown car. This seasonal harbinger is Ted Cruz who announced his candidacy for the highest office of the land. Throwing his 10 gallon hat into the ring at Liberty University, Cruz spoke to an assembly of students whose attendance was required. Mandatory attendance at Liberty University. Sounds like definition of the word “freedom” is fairly fluid for the matriculators of…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

DOG, SOLVED It finally occurred to me Why people love their dogs! A dog is eye-contact on paws, With no distracting slogs Into the black hole also known As, “Social Media,” Which sucks up eyeballs through the likes Of Wikipedia And countless other websites all Competing for our time– The Facebooks and the Twitters And the You Tubes–all sublime, And, frankly, all compelling when We need to feel unique, And worthy of attention when We’re feeling incomplete! I’ve never known a dog who needs A password or a shove To make his eyes peer into mine With pure and simple…

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Inside The News . . .by David Fidelman

WHAT FLOATS YOUR BOAT NEWS: A converted crabbing boat that recently became a floating strip club off the shore of an Alaska island, has been beset by legal tangles over safety rules and liquor laws and allegations it’s been dumping human waste into a harbor. So, other than the expired personal location beacon, expired inflatable devices on two life rafts and inoperable navigation sidelights and improperly pumping poop, everything was up to snuff. One would think the biggest issue with the floating house of nudity would be the crabs. SHORT BUS NEWS: A Montana bus driver called 911 to report…

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Curmudgeon Corner

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: TRAVELING “There are two kinds of travel in the United States, first class and third world.” Bobby Slayton “A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from new York to California; whereas today , because of equipment problems, at O’Hare, you can’t get there at all.”…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

SEVENTY-SIX My birthday was two weeks ago– Three score and sixteen years!– Which pushed me past the milestone that Articulates slipped gears And qualifies me clearly as A doddering old fool, Who’s lost all of his senses and Subsists on prunes and gruel, Whose cohort is identified As puzzled and confused, Who can’t remember falling down Or how they got so bruised, But still remember Dinah Shore, And Packards that had fins, And kisses at the drive in show, And wars that all had wins! It’s True! I’ve never been this old! But, quote me when I say, “I’ll never,…

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Kozmik Korner by Lush Gumball

Q: I recently read about a Catholic priest that was legally dead for a quarter of an hour before medic shocked his heart and brought him back. The priest claimed when he awoke that he had died, gone to heaven and met God. The 71-year-old want to continue preaching and tell the story of how God was a bright, loving light, buy clearly feminine. The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Boston hasn’t confirmed that he can return to his flock. Should he be allowed to return to the alter with his story? A: In the history of mankind told everywhere, women…

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Up Is Down . . . by Will Durst, Excentric Contributor

Best be advised to sit down, pour yourself a beer and take a deep breath. Because you’re about to hear something that will change your life. Forever. Are you relaxed? Good, because everything you know is wrong. Ain’t that always the way. Just when we think we have it all figured out, somebody comes along with information suggesting we’re so off the mark, we might have taken the neighbor’s car to work, slept with our cousin and brushed our teeth with kitchen cleanser. You know who’s holding back the middle class? It’s those darn Democrats. Yes! And all this time…

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Big Picture Page . . .

Our Special Excentric Public Indecency Staff members take a look at Global Climate Change. During a summit on extreme weather happenings around the world, four disgruntled committee members decided to display their members, welcoming Spring with an al fresco beach party. With no clothing restrictions posted at the secret camp where scientists, climatologists, politicians and religious fanatics gathered to discuss the ramifications of doing nothing to alter the course of earthly destruction, four amigos, representing the deniers participating, attempted to exhibit evidence to the other ninety-six in attendance no harm would come to their usually covered private parts. While their…

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Raising The Retirement Age . . .

Suffering from the hardship of not receiving royalties from his record publishers, this man, we’ll call him Arthur, has been a street performer for more than 6 decades. He qualified for assistance, but a government employee saw him perform and turned him in for not declaring the change people threw into his basket. Now, some heartless politicians want to take away his health insurance. And, the city has revoked his temporary permits because too many businesses complained he was taking their potential income from tourists and some locals don’t like his style of music. Related posts: Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister…

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An Excentric Look Into The Future

In April, our crack staff takes a close look into the immigration issue from the perspective of Americans residing primarily in the south. It seems there are a lot of uneducated Americans upset that competent, skilled laborers are being hired by companies in their state at lower wages and with benefits. So, rather than picket the employers, they grab a couple of 24 packs and protest at the border. Related posts: An Excentric Look into The Future . . . Crackdown on Immigration A Look into the Future: Highway Safety An Excentric Look Into The Future

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

PAPAL NEWS: Pope Francis, addressed climate change in a speech in Manilla, saying man was destroying nature and betraying God’s calling to be stewards of creation. “As stewards of God’s creation, we are called to make the earth a beautiful garden for the human family. When we destroy our forests, ravage our soil and pollute our seas, we betray that noble calling,” he said. The American republican response was that there are other popes who would flat out deny those claims and say that deforestation, off-shore oil drilling and defracking are good. FLYING NUTS NEWS: An executive for Korean Air,…

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Curmudgeon Corner . . .

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: FUTURE “There is no present or future, only the past, happening over and over again, now.” Eugene O’Neill “He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past.” George Orwell “The past gives you an identity and the future holds the promise of salvation, of fulfillment in whatever…

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Another Big Picture . . .

The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at the spate of musicals slated for release by Hollywood in 2015. A remake of the classic Singin’ In The Rain and a musical version of Psycho and a reunion of Olivia Newton John and John Travolta in a Grease sequel, Lubricant, to name just a few. Perhaps the most controversial screen play being written for the cinema is a star-studded musical, The Marshall and the Grey Cardinal. The Marshall is said to be Kim Jung-un and the Grey Cardinal, Vladimir Putin. The two world leaders are placed shirtless on a deserted…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

GOLDEN SHEEP The winning daily number on The evening TV news, If changed into the losing one, Would save us from the blues: “The losing daily number is One, Two, Three, Four and Five! And, if you haven’t got it, then Be glad you are alive, “Because it’s possible you’ve won Nine hundred million bucks!– Can quit your job and buy a farm And raise a herd of ducks “Or buy a private island with A speedboat and a dock And stargaze from your villa which Is perched high on a rock! “No sense to dash your fantasies, Before you…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Q: I recently read about a California real estate contractor that was surveying a potential lot for purchase by his client. Because the lot was heavily wooded, the contractor used a drone and recorded his video. While reviewing the footage, he discovered he had captured what appeared to be a Bigfoot wandering through the woods. The alleged Bigfoot seemed to notice the drone and ran from a clearing into thick brush. Have you seen the video? Could it actually be footage of Bigfoot? A: It could, or it could be a tall stranger. My neighbor used a personal drone with…

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Big Picture Page . . .

Nothing like proudly parading your prize piglet down the middle of Main Street in middle America. In some towns, this would be considered a strange sight, but others who relish the good-ole-days, dragging your pork around is commonplace for everyone except the pig, of course. This diminutive even-toed ungulate appears to be pulling back against the towing of the mother-son cutest piglet entrants at the annual Fairgrounds Foraging Friends Festival. Suzy, the piglet pictured is favored to win first prize this year, since the entrants’ neighbor’s pig grew too old and fat to enter this year’s contest and, against all…

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Happy Saint Valentine’s Day . . .

Albeit Saint Valentine’s Day is the day of celebratory feasting for many religions, it has morphed into a day when women look to connect or reconnect with a significant other. It is a day and night filled with romance and champagne, touching cards and boxes of chocolate covered cherries packaged in the shape of hearts, Restaurants around the world look forward to Valentine’s Day when filet mignon and lobster reign. Wine and dine time. Roses and other flower arrangements with accompanying love notes delivered by messenger. Gifts of perfume, lingerie and jewelry, or all three for that very special Valentine….

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