October 23, 2018

RUMPUS TRUMPUS CHUMPUS, by Will Durst

For all those bemoaning the lack of noise in the Republican presidential sweepstakes it’s time to get down on our knees and give thanks to Donald Trump because whatever that man touches turns to loud. He’s the gift that keeps on blaring. Has all the delicate innuendo of concrete curtain rods. Not just a loose cannon, more like a loose aircraft carrier. To say the campaign of the self- appointed captain of the S.S. Birther got off to a rocky start is like intimating that transatlantic telecommunications cables make substandard dental floss. Critics derided the guy who tried to trademark…

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QUANTUM GARDENING, by Doug (Rabbit) Sutherland

QUANTUM GARDENING I spaded up my garden and I planted beans that climb; I planted fragrant rosemary; I planted sage and thyme. I planted squash and carrots and Tomatoes, corn and kale; I planted cukes and onions, but My thyme began to fail! I planted spuds and lettuce and Cilantro, chard and peas; I planted beets and peppers while My thyme dropped to its knees! My Brussels sprouts were cheering as My garlic raised a toast; My parsley celebrated as My thyme gave up the ghost! (Make room, dear Stephen Hawking, for The Physicist of Rhyme!– Courageously rewriting, A Brief…

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Red Pope, Green Pope by Will Durst

He gets under their skin like termites in a boathouse. Drives them crazier than Hillary Clinton and Yoko Ono dancing on a gay pride parade float. He’s the itch you can’t scratch. The thorn in the palm of their paw. The 3- inch scratch on their favorite Ted Nugent album. Talking about that hot new Catholic sensation, Pope Frankie. At first it was his general commie pink yellow rat bastard predilection for focusing on the poor. “The poor. The poor. Why is it with him, always got to be about the goldarn poor.” But now the former Jorge Mario Bergoglio…

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Minister of Reality, Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland

JUDY’S SELFIE Well, Judy had another fight Down at her Apple store. They flat out said they won’t replace Her iPhone any more. She told them quite respectfully, The new phone didn’t work– That just like all the other times, The camera went berserk. She wore her hot bikini to Some beach that’s all the rage, And tried to take a selfie to Enhance her Facebook page. But, once again, the camera took A shot of some old bag!– A woman twice her age with warts, Gray hair and jowls that sag! And, as they walked her to the door,…

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This Month In Poly Ticks

And now for your monthly update in the world of poly ticks. Run for your lives, people, because it’s complete chaos out there. In the pre-summer rush to wrangle positive press; current presidential candidates, potential presidential candidates, former presidential candidates, former presidents, and current presidents are viciously competing for track space in a freakish spectacle of careening into walls and spinning out of control like souped-up bumper cars during a power surge. To say it is not a pretty sight is similar to intimating that encountering hot oily transmission parts in the bowels of your sleeping bag is not an…

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Minister of Reality, Doug (Rabbit) Sutherland

PRISM GLANCES I saw the little girl again In that old woman’s eyes!– The look, the smile, the twinkle that Belies her aged disguise! Her eyes are prisms bending time Back 90 years or more, And, there she is, a clear-eyed child Prepared to rise and soar! My Friend, who loves a boy of two Declares with certainty, Through prism glances sees him as A man of seventy! His eyes confirm experience Of decades still unknown!– Of mended hearts and scattered dreams, The fruits of seeds unsown! In every girl of 90 there’s The child to clearly see; In every…

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Proxy Rematch, by Will Durst

Might want to stuff your pants pockets with sand and hang onto the rail as the ship of state lurches towards the distinct possibility that the election to next command the helm will be between Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton. The brother versus the wife. Sounds like a probate lawsuit. This promises to be a fabulous development for comedians everywhere, precipitating the resurrection of all our 1992 Bush/ Clinton material. It’s the green thing to do. Recycling meets nostalgia. Together again for the very first time. A rematch by proxy. Now, if only we could coax Ross Perot back into…

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Doug (Rabbit) Sutherland, Minister of Reality

THE SHROUD OF WISDOM It’s true I’m old and wizened with All systems set to fail. My knees are weak, my elbows creak, My wattles flap and flail. But, there are compensations for The countless years I’ve sown. For, all of life’s a tradeoff, and In countless ways I’ve grown. I understand my fellow man Far better than before; I find compassion in my heart, Forgiveness at my core. The multitudes petition me To council in their strife– The shroud of wisdom, settled on The shoulders of my life. They tell me that I’m blessed and wise; To them it’s…

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Crazy Cruzy, by Will Durst

Winter is over! Winter is over! Excuse the jubilation, but we ink- stained wretches love the ritual excitement that occurs every spring- before- the Big Quadrennial with the first sighting of a red nose popping out of the presidential wannabe clown car. This seasonal harbinger is Ted Cruz who announced his candidacy for the highest office of the land. Throwing his 10 gallon hat into the ring at Liberty University, Cruz spoke to an assembly of students whose attendance was required. Mandatory attendance at Liberty University. Sounds like definition of the word “freedom” is fairly fluid for the matriculators of…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

DOG, SOLVED It finally occurred to me Why people love their dogs! A dog is eye-contact on paws, With no distracting slogs Into the black hole also known As, “Social Media,” Which sucks up eyeballs through the likes Of Wikipedia And countless other websites all Competing for our time– The Facebooks and the Twitters And the You Tubes–all sublime, And, frankly, all compelling when We need to feel unique, And worthy of attention when We’re feeling incomplete! I’ve never known a dog who needs A password or a shove To make his eyes peer into mine With pure and simple…

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Inside The News . . .by David Fidelman

WHAT FLOATS YOUR BOAT NEWS: A converted crabbing boat that recently became a floating strip club off the shore of an Alaska island, has been beset by legal tangles over safety rules and liquor laws and allegations it’s been dumping human waste into a harbor. So, other than the expired personal location beacon, expired inflatable devices on two life rafts and inoperable navigation sidelights and improperly pumping poop, everything was up to snuff. One would think the biggest issue with the floating house of nudity would be the crabs. SHORT BUS NEWS: A Montana bus driver called 911 to report…

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Curmudgeon Corner

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: TRAVELING “There are two kinds of travel in the United States, first class and third world.” Bobby Slayton “A hundred years ago, it could take you the better part of a year to get from new York to California; whereas today , because of equipment problems, at O’Hare, you can’t get there at all.”…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

SEVENTY-SIX My birthday was two weeks ago– Three score and sixteen years!– Which pushed me past the milestone that Articulates slipped gears And qualifies me clearly as A doddering old fool, Who’s lost all of his senses and Subsists on prunes and gruel, Whose cohort is identified As puzzled and confused, Who can’t remember falling down Or how they got so bruised, But still remember Dinah Shore, And Packards that had fins, And kisses at the drive in show, And wars that all had wins! It’s True! I’ve never been this old! But, quote me when I say, “I’ll never,…

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Kozmik Korner by Lush Gumball

Q: I recently read about a Catholic priest that was legally dead for a quarter of an hour before medic shocked his heart and brought him back. The priest claimed when he awoke that he had died, gone to heaven and met God. The 71-year-old want to continue preaching and tell the story of how God was a bright, loving light, buy clearly feminine. The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Boston hasn’t confirmed that he can return to his flock. Should he be allowed to return to the alter with his story? A: In the history of mankind told everywhere, women…

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Up Is Down . . . by Will Durst, Excentric Contributor

Best be advised to sit down, pour yourself a beer and take a deep breath. Because you’re about to hear something that will change your life. Forever. Are you relaxed? Good, because everything you know is wrong. Ain’t that always the way. Just when we think we have it all figured out, somebody comes along with information suggesting we’re so off the mark, we might have taken the neighbor’s car to work, slept with our cousin and brushed our teeth with kitchen cleanser. You know who’s holding back the middle class? It’s those darn Democrats. Yes! And all this time…

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Big Picture Page . . .

Our Special Excentric Public Indecency Staff members take a look at Global Climate Change. During a summit on extreme weather happenings around the world, four disgruntled committee members decided to display their members, welcoming Spring with an al fresco beach party. With no clothing restrictions posted at the secret camp where scientists, climatologists, politicians and religious fanatics gathered to discuss the ramifications of doing nothing to alter the course of earthly destruction, four amigos, representing the deniers participating, attempted to exhibit evidence to the other ninety-six in attendance no harm would come to their usually covered private parts. While their…

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Raising The Retirement Age . . .

Suffering from the hardship of not receiving royalties from his record publishers, this man, we’ll call him Arthur, has been a street performer for more than 6 decades. He qualified for assistance, but a government employee saw him perform and turned him in for not declaring the change people threw into his basket. Now, some heartless politicians want to take away his health insurance. And, the city has revoked his temporary permits because too many businesses complained he was taking their potential income from tourists and some locals don’t like his style of music. Related posts: Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister…

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An Excentric Look Into The Future

In April, our crack staff takes a close look into the immigration issue from the perspective of Americans residing primarily in the south. It seems there are a lot of uneducated Americans upset that competent, skilled laborers are being hired by companies in their state at lower wages and with benefits. So, rather than picket the employers, they grab a couple of 24 packs and protest at the border. Related posts: An Excentric Look into The Future . . . Crackdown on Immigration A Look into the Future: Highway Safety An Excentric Look Into The Future

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

PAPAL NEWS: Pope Francis, addressed climate change in a speech in Manilla, saying man was destroying nature and betraying God’s calling to be stewards of creation. “As stewards of God’s creation, we are called to make the earth a beautiful garden for the human family. When we destroy our forests, ravage our soil and pollute our seas, we betray that noble calling,” he said. The American republican response was that there are other popes who would flat out deny those claims and say that deforestation, off-shore oil drilling and defracking are good. FLYING NUTS NEWS: An executive for Korean Air,…

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Curmudgeon Corner . . .

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: FUTURE “There is no present or future, only the past, happening over and over again, now.” Eugene O’Neill “He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past.” George Orwell “The past gives you an identity and the future holds the promise of salvation, of fulfillment in whatever…

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