December 10, 2018

Haunting Phenomena

Q: With Halloween just behind us, I started wondering about my house being haunted. It is over 100 years old, so many have come and gone from here. I know some hauntings feature a single phenomenon such as a door slamming shut repeatedly while others consist of different phenomena, ranging from odd noises to full blown apparitions. I read where there are 16 signs a house might be haunted. I also know they include strange animal behavior and unexplained shadows. If both of these occur simultaneously are the chances greater that your house is haunted? A: Sure. Two out of…

Read More

Zulu Mystery Cave

Dear Sister, I have told you before, I have this Zulu friend, whose name is Saki, who likes to call himself a Sedona resident, and I myself may be the only man around who actually knows where that residence is. It’s a cave, believe it or not, deep underground among our famous Red Rocks, very handy to the waters of our beautiful Oak Creek. He likes to swim a lot, and takes a thirty-foot dive before he actually hits water, close by an official sign that states: “Dangerous Currents – Do Not Swim Here.” Just a cave? Well, it was…

Read More

Vincent Van Gogh’s Relatives?

His dizzy aunt … Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes … Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store … Stop N Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia … U Gogh His magician uncle … Where-diddy Gogh His Mexican cousin …  Amee Gogh The Mexican cousin’s American half-brother … Gring Gogh The nephew who drove a stage coach … Wells-far Gogh The constipated uncle … Can’t Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt … Tang Gogh The bird lover uncle … Flamin Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking … Way-to-Gogh The little bouncy nephew … Poe Gogh A sister who loved disco … Go Gogh And…

Read More

Cyanide Cloud

MENTAL ENVIRONMENT NEWS: Authorities arrested a woman who told people at gas stations and hotels in the Village of Oak Creek, near Sedona, AZ, that they needed to evacuate because a cloud of cyanide gas was approaching from Phoenix. There was no cyanide cloud, and 55-year-old Christine Ann Long of Scottsdale was arrested on charges of disorderly and unreasonable noise. The only cloud turned out to be the fog in the woman’s mind. SUCKING NEWS: A 70-year-old man was charged with grand theft after police watched him siphon off more than 900 gallons of gasoline from underground storage tanks at…

Read More

Rejected Sedona Treats

Ahhhhhhhhhhhg! The Sedona City Council is busy with sticky issues. Recently, they voted to reject a number of proposed treats Uptown vendors were preparing for this Halloween’s annual Uptown Trick or Treat Night. The rejected confections include: Black Licorice Street Lamp Blocking Masks Sugar Coated Shilajit Squirrel Turds Organic Alien Fingers Crystal Crunchers Jell-O Beans Petrified Popcorn Puffs Red Licorice Alien Brains Splenda Dipped Juniper Bark Daffy Taffy Slide Rock Ultra Slim Jims Smoked Trout Farm Balls Page Springs Mesquite Logs Road Kill Fritters On A Stick Trail Mix From West Fork Trail Smoked Gristle Stardust Sprinkled Red Rock Succotash…

Read More

Retiring in Sedona

You are asked to sign a “hold harmless” agreement before Boy Scouts help you cross the street. You pimped-out your golf cart with training wheels. Instead of “air guitar” you show off with “air harp.” You have to quit your arts and crafts class because the glue and paint are making you dizzy. Your idea of Trail Mix is a mixture of soy nuts, Tums, aspirin and dried prunes. You consult your psychic about removing one of your kidneys in hopes that you’ll have to pee less often. Hanging around a vortex seems to make your “senior moment” last for…

Read More

The Bright Sides of a Donald J. Trump presidency

Well. That happened. Donald J. Trump didn’t just perplex the pundits, pollsters and his own progeny with a stunning electoral pummeling of Hillary Clinton, he pelted them with showbiz shock and awe. It was a wake- up call that surely rolled Beethoven, who was deaf, and is now dead. The new shot heard round the world. Planet- wide, liberals are slashing wrists and bashing brains and gnashing teeth and curled in a fetal position begging for their blue banky. The city of San Francisco is working through the five stages of grief but it’s going to take a while, because…

Read More

The Pros and Cons of Napping

HEALTH STUDY NEWS: In the largest study to date on the health effects of napping, researchers tracked 23,681 healthy Greek adults for an average of about six years. Those who napped at least three times weekly for about half an hour had a 37 percent lower risk of dying from heart attacks or other heart problems than those who did not nap. Of course, those found napping while driving ran a far greater risk of dying from an automobile accident. RECORD BREAKING NEWS: More than 6,000 couples kissed simultaneously at midnight one Saturday in the Philippines with organizers of the…

Read More

End of Days and Mayan Prophesies

Q: I’ve been seeing a lot of books, magazine articles, television shows and movies about Armageddon, the End of Days and the Mayan Prophesies of December 21, 2012. Even if there is only a major shift in the thinking and spiritual activity of mankind, could all of this cataclysmic gobbledygook paranoia actually cause something horrible to happen? I don’t mean volcanic eruption, earthquakes and floods, but might they manifest manmade disasters like wars, genocide, species extinction and famine? A: Wow! Now I’m totally confused. I was preparing for the Harmonic Convergence. But if the end is coming, I have to do…

Read More

The Advantages of Marrying a Momma’s Boy

Dear Frankly, I love your columns! I am planning to marry the man of my dreams next June. We have been dating for over a year and are sooooo much in love. We want to have a huge outdoor wedding in Sedona. Although his parents are wonderful, I’m a little concerned about the role that they still play in his life…particularly his mother. She still does my fiancé’s laundry, cooks his lunches daily and cleans his house. What do you think? Marching to Marriage Dear Marching, My fifth husband also was a momma’s boy. I suggest you marry him, let…

Read More

Exorcisms in Sedona Area

Q: I found an article that stated there was a shortage of priests who can perform exorcisms and the United States’ Roman Catholic bishops are sponsoring a conference on how to cast out evil. It claimed that only a tiny number of US priests have enough training and knowledge to perform an exorcism with dioceses nationwide relying solely on these clergy who have been overwhelmed with requests to evaluate claims. Are you aware of any exorcisms in the Sedona area? A: Not personally. I’m not sure about demons and evil possessions, but there are some people I would like to…

Read More

Asian Form of Sasquatch

Q: I recently read where villagers in Shennongjia, Hubei Province in China have been wondering about the presence of a Bigfoot ever since a man named Ding Fei, 33, found mysterious thick curly hairs with transparent roots at a location called Swallow Hole on a local mountain. Is it possible an Asian form of Sasquatch exists? A: It’s possible. I presume an Asian Bigfoot would wear about a size 7. Q: I saw an article about a Bosnian man whose house has been hit six times by meteorites claims aliens are targeting him. The white-hot rocks have hammered a man’s…

Read More

Doug (Rabbit) Sutherland…Minister of Reality

BUT NOT DUCK The adjectives abound these days To grapple with a schmuck — The man who we all recognize As “Donald” (but not Duck)! The word, repugnant, can’t describe This man whose life is built On pompous, self-aggrandizement, Without remorse or guilt! — A man without compassion who’s A loser and a pimp, A man who puts down others who’s A bully and a wimp, A cowardly misogynist, A bigot and a fake, A narcissistic idiot, A crass, unworthy flake, A xenophobic demagogue Who’s dragged us through the muck — Inadequate pejoratives For “Donald” (but not Duck)! Related posts:…

Read More

Crash & Burn . . . Repeat

We might as well be watching a 30- car pile- up the way Americans are holding hands over their eyes trying to avoid the grisly bits of the most grotesque presidential race we have witnessed in this, the second decade of the 21st Century. Of course, it’s only the 2nd election during that time, but still. That is not to say 2012 wasn’t genuinely gruesome with more than its share of cataclysmic collisions and demolition derby debacles but this time they’re headed downhill faster than an 18- wheeler with burned out brakes carrying a load of nitroglycerine on the western…

Read More

The American People . . . by Will Durst

So the conventions are over and we’ve entered the penultimate stage of this presidential demolition derby and your muted murmurs of “yippee” and “hooray” have been duly noted. That’s enough, put the horns away, this is not an overly large celebration. It took a year and a half, but the presidential field has winnowed down to the major political parties’ two anointed nominees: the Donald and the Hillary. Let us pray. And more polarizing figures could not be found with the superconducting magnet at the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva. Thus far the process has been everything but pretty or…

Read More

Venison Jerky . . . by Will Durst

If the goal is to cause both sides of the political spectrum to quiver and twitch and shiver and shake like a raccoon clinging to the outside of a cement mixer speeding through a railroad yard, just casually throw out the term, “gun control,” and step back. The left considers all guns the reprehensible tool of warriors, criminals and primitives, while in most of red state America, the definition of gun control is using two hands and hitting the target. Then some addled- brained, flippo- unit actually uses those techniques to take out a bunch of innocent people, and the…

Read More

Amassing? . . . by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland

AMASSING? I woke up from a nightmare in A black, depressing chill! The president had just decreed All rivers flow uphill! “Don’t worry,” he was heard to shout, “For it will be amassing!” (Amazing with bad spelling? or Just presidential gassing?) But, then, the Mississippi turned, As millions dropped their jaw, Flowed north to old St. Louis then Northwest, to Omaha, Amassing, in a world class flood, Then, surging on, upstream, Pushed on along the Mighty Mo, And quickly gathered steam, Transforming my Montana to An inland sea of sorts!– The shoreline lined with parking lots And Donald Trump resorts!…

Read More

My Pod . . . by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland

MY POD The podcast of my life is out On iTunes and online. So, if you’re tired of living yours, Rejoice! You can live mine! Experience your birth again That brutal, freezing day, As doc Berg drops you on your head And sends you on your way! And, soon, you’ll be rejected by Your teachers, friends and peers, Unable to learn basketball And laughed at for your ears! Then, taste humiliation’s dust Through years of workplace hurt, As colleagues soar ahead of you And leave you in the dirt! The podcast of my life’s for sale At all the podcast…

Read More

Water We Waiting For? Water Conservation NOW! . . . by Nicholas Martell

As I walk into the Hilton hotel for the 107th Arizona Town Hall Meeting, I find myself in unfamiliar territory. What the hell am I doing in a Hilton hotel in the first place? This is me, a scruffy, 29 year old graduate student who refuses to cut (or regularly comb) his thick, John Fogerty-esque mane. None of my favorite shirts come anywhere near a button, and I prefer my shoes to be of the slip-on nature. When did I become an adult? As I approach the registration table all I can feel is the nagging anxiety of wondering if…

Read More

Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

APPLE SEASON November is the end of it– Though autumn’s gold beguiles– Another apple season ends, While one old woman smiles! For, Evelyn loves apples and She loves her apple trees, And, one last time, she struggles through Her orchard, where she sees The ancient trees she planted with Her husband, buried here– Their lives and deaths still intertwined As winter days grow near– And, holding forth their shaky limbs And offering their gifts, Her trees seem to enfold her, as Collective memory drifts To one November morning, when They knelt down, on their knees, And dreamed of apple seasons…

Read More