February 21, 2019

PEACHES: THE WALL . . . by Will Durst

President Donald Trump loves him some wall. Not the wall of corruption he’s surrounded himself with. Not that karmic wall of wasting all his political capital sucking up to superstitious xenophobes. Nor the huge self- erected wall that keeps him from learning or uttering or even caring about the truth. No, not those thick as a brick walls. We’re talking about his obsession with a physical structure on our Southern border. Which he’s variously described as being “big and beautiful, see- through, transparent, steel slats, concrete, fences, barriers, whatever you want to call it, you can call it Peaches.” So…

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AFTER XMAS GIFT WISH LIST…by Will Durst

Way past time to congratulate the baby Jesus on the anniversary of his birth but especially for blessedly ending all those annoying unending ads for the Christmas sales only to be replaced by all those annoying unending ads for the after- Christmas sales. A major difference being- much fewer jingle bells on the soundtracks. It’s also a relief to have the traditional holiday music stuffed back into the poisonous mistletoe vault, meaning we’ll have to wait nine whole months to hear the same thirty songs sung by the same thirty dead white men. And Nat King Cole. As we throw…

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TOP TEN COMEDIC NEWS STORIES OF 2018

Sit the kids down. Let the dogs out. Prop the grandparents up. The nation’s patience has been richly rewarded, because the eagerly awaited list of the Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2018 has been officially released. This truly is the most wonderful time of the year. But first a caution: please do not confuse this list with the top ten legitimate news stories of 2018. No. No. No. They are as different as charcoal sketches of historic steam engines and a bucket of compost. Like golden- stitched, sequined blue jean jackets are to chocolate brownies. Bow ties and dirt…

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GIVING THANKS 2018…by Will Durst

One thing we should all be grateful for this year, is that Thanksgiving is making its annual appearance at the earliest possible point on the 22nd. And it could not come at a better time, conveniently laying down a soft muffling blanket of brightly colored leaves over the scorched ruts of one of the most contentious elections in our nation’s history and 712 days before the next most contentious election in our nation’s history. One that officially kicked off on Wednesday November 7. The Fourth Thursday of November is the best of American holidays, a non- denominational feast of friends,…

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Choreographed Twitching…by Will Durst

Sadly fascinating to endure another predictable dance performed on the national stage by our elected politicians in response to the recent horrendous concert shooting in Las Vegas. Well, not a dance, really, more like the choreographed twitching of an unruly mob. Both parties retired to their respective corners while spasmodically jerking and mumbling hushed gobbledygook that even first graders could recite verbatim in a show and tell version of Hypocritical Clichés. As surprising as milk- soaked hay after a missile strike on a dairy farm, Republicans slowly shook their heads somberly intoning that in the wake of such a tragic…

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F’ing Chutes and Ladders…by Will Durst

Here’s the deal: You don’t start out by calling someone an “f’ing moron.” That’s a final exclamatory heave after exhausting all other slanders. Fool. Jerk. Pinhead. Nitwit. Idiot. Nincompoop. Moron. Until finally… f’ing moron. It doesn’t quite scale the heights of “total f’ing moron” or “banana faced monkey dribbler,” but it’s close. So Rex Tillerson must have been at the end of his rope when he flung that particular phrase of scorn and contempt at Donald Trump. Sounds like a spontaneous human explosion stemming from a well of frustration so deep it echoes. The sort of expletive one blurts out…

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Hateful Haters Hating Hate…by Will Durst

Someone please tell the radical left to stop getting their panties in a bundle and quit calling our president a Nazi. Donald Trump proved himself a great friend of freedom when he promoted equivalency between the organized hate movement and people disgusted by them. Anyone who hates haters is equally responsible for hateful hating. That is obvious. After a riot broke out during a Unite the Right March in Charlottesville, Virginia, there was, according to President Trump, violence “on many sides.” He then sagely observed there are two sides to every story. Which is true. There are two sides to…

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Thermonuclear Chicken…by Will Durst

Time to dig a bomb shelter. Stockpile some Kool- Aid. Nibble some Tootsie Rolls while catching a double feature at the drive- in. Pull out your pedal pushers and Hula- hoops. Stick a transistor radio in a front shirt pocket and Twist yourself into the ground replicating the gyrations of Elvis. Presley. Not Costello. Hipsters with clunky glasses and skinny ties should feel right at home as the world sinks back into the Eisenhower Era, with a new Missile Crisis currently and clumsily unfolding before our very eyes. It’s a knock- down, drag- out battle of incendiary rhetoric between the…

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Make America Jurassic Again…by Will durst

President Donald Trump possesses a style described by friends as virile and intuitive and by foes as oafish and oblivious. Some see him a breath of fresh air, with a disarming directness and others consider him a blustering bully with the grace of a pile of crumbling cement blocks cascading off a flatbed truck. Passionate versus fool-hardy. Eager slash hasty. Swift or rash. But these are principally domestic arguments. The international community is not so divided. They view our new Chief Executive as a brutish barbarian whose goal is to antagonize the rest of the planet. Not just the other…

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PRESIDENT RASKOLNIKOV

The firing of FBI Director James Comey by the President of the United States slammed Washington with the suddenness of a two- story bowling ball hitting the South Portico after being dropped from a blimp. And the repercussions have shot across the Capitol like a flurry of Kansas tornadoes, causing the entire Beltway to chant, “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.” A variety of reasons were given for the hasty dismissal. The FBI is in turmoil. Comey lost the confidence of the FBI rank and file. He did a lousy job. Way too tall. Has weird…

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COVEY OF CAUCUSES…by Will Durst

During the Trump Care Meltdown, when the same Republicans that chanted “Repeal & Replace” for 7 years, folded like a broken down lawn chair in a category 5 hurricane, we learned about a couple mysterious Republican Congressional Caucuses instrumental in torpedoing the AHCA. These two groups come from such opposite sides of the political spectrum they undoubtedly have dartboards with each other’s pictures tacked to the middle. The Freedom Caucus is made up of members that formerly self- identified as Tea Partiers but changed their name to interact with civilized people. Of course we’re referring to those unsung heroes of…

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BROKEN NEWS…by Will Durst

Supposedly, the Chinese or the Arabs or the Scientologists or one of those ancient inscrutable cultures, has a saying that goes “May you live in interesting times.” It is generally considered to be a curse. And America right now is living in the most interesting of times. It’s breathtaking how thrilling and frenetic the news has gotten. Every single day. Almost too exciting. Starting to look like one of those pre-opening credits sequences of a science- fiction movie that takes place in the ruins of a dystopian civilization. “And Then All Hell Broke Loose.” It’s not just we news junkies;…

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The Trumpish Cabinet…by Will Durst

In typical liberal fashion, the mean weenie left has called Donald Trump’s cabinet horrible things. “Corrupt nitwits.” “Career criminals.” “Greedy thugs.” “Clueless dunces.” “Bad dancers.” But no one accuses them of being poor. Depending on whether you believe Bloomberg or the Wall Street Journal, the administration’s brain trust will be worth between 8 and 16 billion dollars. Trump’s not just going to drain the swamp, he’s going to subdivide it. Yes, he railed against Goldman- Sachs during the campaign, but a Commander- in- Chief knows the importance of expert money management, and The Donald has chosen a slew of people…

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Skewered and Plattered by Will Durst

Shattered. Splattered. Scattered. Battered. Tattered. Skewered and Plattered. Barely mattered. That was the Democrats after November’s election. But surely in the months since, they’d come together to stand aligned in the face of the flaky imperiousness of our so- called President. You’d think. And ripe bananas make a fine masonry grout. The Democrats have lost their direction so completely they need a compass to wipe their butts. Incontestably, incontrovertibly and incredibly… useless. We are not speaking of a trifling of uselessness here. “Totally and utterly and unconditionally useless”- barely scratches the surface. The exact extent of the uselessosity exhibited by…

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The First 100 Days . . . by Will Durst

As extraordinary as it sounds, Donald J. Trump is now the 45th President of the United States. Which is mind- boggling. Like making John Goodman the cover model for this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Kim Kardashian- appointed chief scientist at the Atomic Energy Lab. Colin Kaepernick in charge of WikiLeaks. The liberals’ last best hopes were dashed on Inauguration Day when the Mango Mussolini put his hand on the Bible and didn’t burst into flames. The preacher said the rain that started to fall as DJT took the oath was a good omen in the Bible. Yeah, tell that…

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The Bright Sides of a Donald J. Trump presidency

Well. That happened. Donald J. Trump didn’t just perplex the pundits, pollsters and his own progeny with a stunning electoral pummeling of Hillary Clinton, he pelted them with showbiz shock and awe. It was a wake- up call that surely rolled Beethoven, who was deaf, and is now dead. The new shot heard round the world. Planet- wide, liberals are slashing wrists and bashing brains and gnashing teeth and curled in a fetal position begging for their blue banky. The city of San Francisco is working through the five stages of grief but it’s going to take a while, because…

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Crash & Burn . . . Repeat

We might as well be watching a 30- car pile- up the way Americans are holding hands over their eyes trying to avoid the grisly bits of the most grotesque presidential race we have witnessed in this, the second decade of the 21st Century. Of course, it’s only the 2nd election during that time, but still. That is not to say 2012 wasn’t genuinely gruesome with more than its share of cataclysmic collisions and demolition derby debacles but this time they’re headed downhill faster than an 18- wheeler with burned out brakes carrying a load of nitroglycerine on the western…

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The American People . . . by Will Durst

So the conventions are over and we’ve entered the penultimate stage of this presidential demolition derby and your muted murmurs of “yippee” and “hooray” have been duly noted. That’s enough, put the horns away, this is not an overly large celebration. It took a year and a half, but the presidential field has winnowed down to the major political parties’ two anointed nominees: the Donald and the Hillary. Let us pray. And more polarizing figures could not be found with the superconducting magnet at the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva. Thus far the process has been everything but pretty or…

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Venison Jerky . . . by Will Durst

If the goal is to cause both sides of the political spectrum to quiver and twitch and shiver and shake like a raccoon clinging to the outside of a cement mixer speeding through a railroad yard, just casually throw out the term, “gun control,” and step back. The left considers all guns the reprehensible tool of warriors, criminals and primitives, while in most of red state America, the definition of gun control is using two hands and hitting the target. Then some addled- brained, flippo- unit actually uses those techniques to take out a bunch of innocent people, and the…

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Wrecked Rectitude . . . by Will Durst

Get out the big black Sharpie and pull down the official Presidential Campaign Manual because its time to redact the rules. Reality television star Donald Trump has altered the way politics is played to an extent that is game- changing. Judged on a scale of one to ten, think somewhere in the mid five figures. First off, candidates no longer have to worry about looking ridiculous. Actual clowns are now allowed to emerge from the clown car. Opportunism is in, while rationality has been swept off the table, along with class, integrity, decorum, common human decency and hygiene. Two, shooting…

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