November 20, 2017

KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Q:  I read a lot of stories about people who saw monsters or ghost or other things that go bump in the night. Most of them are recollections of events that happened in their distant past and many of them seemed to happen when they were children. Could it be they have clouded memories or perhaps overactive imaginations? If they had these experiences, why didn’t they share them at the time of the happening? Wouldn’t that have given their stories more credibility, even though they were children? A: I don’t know. The horror stories that happened in my household as…

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Hell, According to a Chemical Engineering Student

The following is a real question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm examination, and an actual answer turned in by a student. Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One Student however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they…

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Beating The Walmart Crowd…

Now shoppers who in the past had to bring a sleeping bag to camp out at their favorite store to take advantage of those early bird bargains on Black Friday following Thanksgiving can rest in line in comfort in their new Shoppers Recreational Vehicle. Gone are the days of lawn chairs and thermos coffee to beat competitors to the newest fad toy or game before the shelves empty. The SRV is so compact that the driver can tow it behind their motorized shopping cart and load it up with all their goodies before heading home for a well deserved nap….

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An Excentric Look Into The Future

In November, our crack Excentric staff members take another look at people celebrating Halloween without spending money on costumes or masks. Fortunately, this man’s body hair allowed him, with the aid of his wife and electric razor, to go to his neighborhood part as a Neanderthal guy in drag. While many men choose to go out as the opposite gender on All Hallows Eve, women tend to exaggerate their own sexuality, going as Gypsies, Goddesses, Witches, Debutantes, Heiresses, and the like. Men’s collective imagination seems limited to stereotypical  fantasy roles of Cheerleader, Nurse and French Maid. Good thing this guy…

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Global Warming

Sedona Excentric World staff members take a look at how global warming has affected locals in northern Arizona. This ice cream vendor, recently relocated from somewhere in North Carolina, hit the road on his first day of work hoping to find hundreds of Arizonans lining up to savor his sweet treats. Instead, his first customer was a displaced polar bear. Experiencing rapid ice melting of their Arctic habitat, polar bears are hitting the road. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service recently proposed listing the polar bear as a threatened species under the Endangered Species Act. The Secretary of the Interior…

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Strangest Ear Rings

Dear Sister, We had a few nice middle-aged ladies round t’other evening for absolutely no reason at all, which I am sure is the very best way for a party to get going, nine of them, and I saw, with a certain amount of pleasure, that they were all wearing earrings. I identified emeralds, rubies, zircon, one imitation diamond, and two ladies with sapphires, which is a stone I hate to write about because of that stupid and unpronounceable extra “p” stuck in there for no sensible reason whatsoever. But I was pleased to see one Tanzanite among them, a…

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A Fearless Breed of Trained Animals

Sedona Excentric World staff members take a look at the fearless breed of animals trained to find missing children, hidden contraband and criminals on the run. This photograph is of one of those highly trained canines, Boomer, a male bloodhound, working with law enforcement to capture a suspected robber in the area of the Beaver Creek Golf Club. The man allegedly took balls that had been launched into Wet Beaver Creek the water by errant golfers. Witnesses say the disheveled robber appeared to be a vagrant seen wandering the woods nearby. An investigation turned up a mini-camp with a small…

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Curmudgeon Corner

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: EVOLUTION “If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” Milton Berle “Essential to the theory of evolution is the premise that everything has come into being by itself.” Walter Lang “I was taught that the human brain was the crowning glory of evolution so far, but I think it’s a very…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

DOGGIE OVERBOARD NEWS: A couple found their yacht sinking after it hit a reef while on a voyage from East London to Madagascar. The man, a longtime volunteer with the National Sea Rescue Institute first swam his dog ashore safely before returning for his wife, whose safety line had snagged on the steering gear. The couple and their dog all made it out free of injury. Perhaps dogs really are man’s best friend after all. WHERE’S THE BEEF NEWS: The world’s first laboratory-grown beef burger, grown in-vitro from cattle stem cells in a five-year science experiment at a cost of…

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Toilet Fixture Probe

CRIME NEWS: The crime wave of thieves stealing appliances and fixtures from construction sites and public buildings, which is reaching epidemic proportions, has not spared Sedona. Last month thieves entered the Sedona police station and stole all the toilet fixtures. An intensive probe is underway, but so far, according to chief of police, investigators have nothing to go on. TREATY NEWS: Archrivals, Sedona and Cornville, have signed a non-aggression pact in which Cornville has agreed to give up its uranium enrichment program and Sedona will halt its vortex enhancement program. ENERGY NEWS: Arizona Public Service publishes energy savings tips every month…

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Beat the Heat . . .

With record highs seeming to become the norm in Arizona, critters across the state are forced to find creative ways to cool off. Along with the rising temperatures, drought conditions are causing the water levels in Arizona creeks, rivers, lakes and ponds to shrink, resulting in less water sources for wildlife to seek refuge. Fortunately and unfortunately, human impact, due to population sprawl has influenced the behavior of the animal kingdom surrounding them. The fortune in the case for this exhausted squirrel was a bowl of iced water left for someone’s pet.   Related posts: Feeling Just A Little Squirrely……

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