October 23, 2018

Hair Removal For Beginners, from a friend of a facebook friend

My night began as any normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: ‘Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’ So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those ‘cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull…

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Sedona Vortex Experiences

You go back in time to when Sedona was first discovered, but still forget to invest in real estate. You win the lottery and donate it all to a self-appointed guru claiming to be the second, or third, coming. You now belch fairy dust. You see UFOs flashing subliminal messages for Hummers. Your front lawn is now covered with grass crop circles. You now have the ability to communicate with rocks. Your inner child is acting up a lot more and needs a time-out. You developed a desire to eat low carb, “naturally,” foraging the woods for edible plants, lean…

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Curmudgeon Corner

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: GOVERNMENT “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.” Winston Churchill “No man is good enough to govern another man without the other’s consent.” Abraham Lincoln “I hope we shall crush in its birth the aristocracy of our monied corporations which dare already to challenge our government to a…

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Our Government . . . Out Of Service

Still reeling from the utter state of confusion in Washington, our staff decided to conduct an in depth study on the possible cause of Congress voting from crisis to crisis. If the American public is expected to work side by side in factories and schools, on the streets and on the battlefield without the distraction of religious, ideological and sexual differences, why then can’t the same demands be placed on elected officials. While our leaders seem quite willing to send our troops to foreign countries and spend our treasure to convert countries’ political structures from dictatorships and totalitarianism and despotism,…

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Strange Vortex Experiences

Below is a list of actual experiences from people who live outside Sedona after visiting a vortex for the first time. Be advised that any of these and other bizarre happenings await the inexperienced vortex visitor: Visit a vortex and start seeing red wherever you go. Visit a vortex and sparks fly from your expulsion of gas. Visit a vortex and you are compelled to start the “wave” from your church pew. Visit a vortex and mow your lawn in crop circles. Visit a vortex and start communicating with red rocks. Visit a vortex and put your “inner child” up…

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Warning: Hot Coffee May be Hot, Avoid Crotch

In December, our crack Excentric members take a look at the signs businesses have been forced to post due to the ignorance of their customers and frivolous lawsuits. The woman who sued McDonald’s for spilled hot coffee comes to mind, or the man who set his RV on cruise control and left the wheel to get a beverage and sued the manufacturer for not having a sing posted that the driver shouldn’t leave the cockpit while the vehicle was in motion. In this case, if the balcony was on the ground level, it would be a patio. What is wrong…

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Garnering the Sedona Vote

Candidates will promise almost anything to get elected. Below are some of the political favors offered to gain the confidence of Sedona’s voters: Sponsor weekly Oak Creek Brewery Nut Brown Ale keg parties at Airport Vortex with free parking Turn Fort Hyatt over to Indians and convert it to a casino Outlaw the construction of future timeshares unless they pay a bed tax plus impact fee Declare Cornville a Canadian province and allow the importation of pharmaceuticals for seniors Make Harmonic Convergence a national annual holiday Change Tlaquepaque’s name to A Sort Of Mexican Village Specialty Shops Hold a dedication…

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Crossbreeding for Fun and Profit

Sedona Excentric World staff members take a look at yet another look at television shows being filmed in the Sedona area. This couple sent in their photograph to win acceptance in Rimrock Arizona’s version of “Trading Spouses.” Shown here are Louigie, the Chihuahua and Birdie, the young Orange Tabby. Louigie’s mate, Crystie, and Birdie’s Rocky, are off having their own photo shoot. After reading an article in the paper, shown in photo, asking for contestants to submit a photograph and biography on each applicant. While the previous “Trading Spouses, Meet Your New Mommy” television shows, broadcast on FOX, focused on…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

SPELLING BE NEWS: A Minnesota high school has issued yearbooks with the name of the school misspelled on the cover. What should have read Moorhead, is Moorehead. The errant “e” is said to have come from the same person who taught former Vice President Dan Quayle how to spell potato(e). It’s a good thing politicians don’t want to spend money on education. After all, a mine is a terrible thing to waste. BRING ON THE NOISE NEWS: Years ago, Germany’s Chancellor Merkel’s husband filed a complaint on an open-air theater group performing opposite the couple’s apartment in Berlin for violating…

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Curmudgeon Corner

            cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: STUPIDITY “A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.” Bertrand Russell “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” Albert Einstein…

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The Big Picture Page

                The Sedona Excentric Special Task Force investigates the power of laughter. Many studies have proven that laughter is indeed the best medicine, but the staff of the Sedona Excentric went the extra mile and studied the effects on other species in the animal kingdom. Touring the coast of northern California our crew took a handful of Excentric papers and visited the seal kingdom. Attitudes displayed among the seals seemed to range from lethargic to bored. Basking in the sun one sunny morning, they were entertained with readings from the papers. Like many…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

  CARPET MILL Long, long before all videos    Went viral, to a flaw, There was an old time “movie short”    That everybody saw. It showed a huge contraption in    A carpet making mill, And, up above, a catwalk where    A worker took a spill And fell into the workings where    It gobbled up his hide And wove him into throw rugs where    He peered out, stupefied! I thought it was a lesson in    How not to live a life– A sort of cautionary tale    To save us pain and strife. In other…

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Sedona Proposed Improvements

Fountains will be redesigned to spew sewer treatment water. Dry Creek Road will be renamed Sometimes Flooded Way. Capital Butte will become Bureaucrat Butt. Stutz Bearcat will soon be known as Kia Sedona. Steamboat Rock will begin to offer sunset dinner cruises. Bell Rock will be turned into a domed ice hockey stadium. Sugar Loaf will be downsized and reduced to Low Carb Butte. Courthouse Butte will be partitioned to the new City Hall. Snoopy Rock will be picked up for not wearing dog tags. The Two Nuns Formation will be questioned and released. Slide Rock will require “Slippery When…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Q:  I read a lot of stories about people who saw monsters or ghost or other things that go bump in the night. Most of them are recollections of events that happened in their distant past and many of them seemed to happen when they were children. Could it be they have clouded memories or perhaps overactive imaginations? If they had these experiences, why didn’t they share them at the time of the happening? Wouldn’t that have given their stories more credibility, even though they were children? A: I don’t know. The horror stories that happened in my household as…

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Hell, According to a Chemical Engineering Student

The following is a real question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm examination, and an actual answer turned in by a student. Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One Student however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they…

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Beating The Walmart Crowd…

Now shoppers who in the past had to bring a sleeping bag to camp out at their favorite store to take advantage of those early bird bargains on Black Friday following Thanksgiving can rest in line in comfort in their new Shoppers Recreational Vehicle. Gone are the days of lawn chairs and thermos coffee to beat competitors to the newest fad toy or game before the shelves empty. The SRV is so compact that the driver can tow it behind their motorized shopping cart and load it up with all their goodies before heading home for a well deserved nap….

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An Excentric Look Into The Future

In November, our crack Excentric staff members take another look at people celebrating Halloween without spending money on costumes or masks. Fortunately, this man’s body hair allowed him, with the aid of his wife and electric razor, to go to his neighborhood part as a Neanderthal guy in drag. While many men choose to go out as the opposite gender on All Hallows Eve, women tend to exaggerate their own sexuality, going as Gypsies, Goddesses, Witches, Debutantes, Heiresses, and the like. Men’s collective imagination seems limited to stereotypical  fantasy roles of Cheerleader, Nurse and French Maid. Good thing this guy…

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Global Warming

Sedona Excentric World staff members take a look at how global warming has affected locals in northern Arizona. This ice cream vendor, recently relocated from somewhere in North Carolina, hit the road on his first day of work hoping to find hundreds of Arizonans lining up to savor his sweet treats. Instead, his first customer was a displaced polar bear. Experiencing rapid ice melting of their Arctic habitat, polar bears are hitting the road. The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service recently proposed listing the polar bear as a threatened species under the Endangered Species Act. The Secretary of the Interior…

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Strangest Ear Rings

Dear Sister, We had a few nice middle-aged ladies round t’other evening for absolutely no reason at all, which I am sure is the very best way for a party to get going, nine of them, and I saw, with a certain amount of pleasure, that they were all wearing earrings. I identified emeralds, rubies, zircon, one imitation diamond, and two ladies with sapphires, which is a stone I hate to write about because of that stupid and unpronounceable extra “p” stuck in there for no sensible reason whatsoever. But I was pleased to see one Tanzanite among them, a…

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A Fearless Breed of Trained Animals

Sedona Excentric World staff members take a look at the fearless breed of animals trained to find missing children, hidden contraband and criminals on the run. This photograph is of one of those highly trained canines, Boomer, a male bloodhound, working with law enforcement to capture a suspected robber in the area of the Beaver Creek Golf Club. The man allegedly took balls that had been launched into Wet Beaver Creek the water by errant golfers. Witnesses say the disheveled robber appeared to be a vagrant seen wandering the woods nearby. An investigation turned up a mini-camp with a small…

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