May 22, 2019

The report From Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation…by Will Durst

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The eagerly awaited Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation was finally released and cleared up the situation like a forty- pound dirtball dropped from the roof of a ten- story penthouse. Into a child’s wading pool. With children in it. Imaginary children, of course.

The report was 448 pages long, only 52 short of a ream. Although both President Donald Trump and the Democratic Congress must be feeling like the full weight of a ream is banging them in the head. He, for what it said, and they, for what it didn’t.

As surprising as a 420 run on ranch Doritos, the release turns out to be as different from Attorney- General William Barr’s 4 page summary of the Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation as baby salamanders are from nuclear powered submarine biological waste disposal canisters.

At least the parts that weren’t redacted. Those little black bars covered about a tenth of the Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation. Barr’s bars. Barr’s barren bars. Which barely barred us from seeing what the bard of special counsels wanted bared.

Official Lapdog Barr’s yapping misdirection before the public unveiling of the Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation was hard to hear due to the clicking of his toenails on the linoleum. The drool was also distracting. Records for gratuitous sycophancy have been shattered. This is what was expected from Jeff Sessions. Rudy Giuliani must be green with envy.

A less redacted version of the Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation will be available to a limited number of members of Congress. The apparent goal is to give each and every American citizen their own version of the Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation with individual redactions. Here’s hoping there’s a rainbow of stripes to go with the black bars.

The Attorney- General said the Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation totally exonerated the president pretending the account didn’t include “While this report cannot conclude that the President committed a crime, it also cannot exonerate him.” Which is as far from exoneration as can be accomplished using the English language.

Barr went on to echo “no obstruction” approximately 7,000 times when actually the Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation says, and this is a direct quote: “If we had confidence after a thorough investigation of the facts that the president clearly did not commit obstruction of justice, we would so state.” But so state, they do not.

In other words, if they thought he didn’t do it, they’d tell us. But they’re not telling us. Which might lead a normal person to conclude that the Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation is saying the opposite. In it’s own sly way.

The Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation described Moscow’s attempts to undermine Hillary Clinton’s candidacy as “sweeping and systemic.” And as everyone knows, Russia only helps Russia.

The Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation also referenced the justice department’s policy not to prosecute a sitting president but mentioned that Congress could, or just wait till he’s not president anymore.

It’s almost like the Report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s Investigation proposed trying one or the other. Forcing democrats to ask themselves the tough question: “why not both?”

Copyright © 2019, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former pharmacy delivery boy in Waukesha, Wisconsin. For past columns, commentaries and a calendar of personal appearances, please visit willdurst.com.

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