November 20, 2017

INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

BAD AFLAC NEWS: A New Hampshire woman who called police after stopping in a highway median to help some stranded ducklings plans to fight a $44 ticket. The only reason the police showed up was because the woman called them after braking to avoid killing the ducks. The mother and many ducklings had been run over and lay dead on the highway. Hopefully, this cop doesn’t have any animals at home. WRONG DOOR NEWS: Police say a man who fled from a Mississippi traffic stop was apparently so focused on getting away he unknowingly ran into a law enforcement academy….

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Curmudgeon Corner

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: HONESTY “I hold the maxim no less applicable to public than to private affairs, that honesty is the best policy.” George Washington “Honest people don’t hide their deeds.” Emily Bronte “Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise.” Sigmund Freud “The truth is never dangerous. Except when told.” Philip Moeller “An honest man…

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Someone Please Send Me A Sign . . .

Any wonder people are confused when it comes to trusting signs? Whether it’s placed by a state, federal or local agency, it is a job often going to the lowest bidder and rarely supervised by the group writing the check. Rather than remove the red sign pictured below, the town who had a change of council that decided it was wrong to prohibit pets from being allowed in front of their offices, instead submitted a new contract for a sign permitting pets as long as they were leashed. The road sign is a bit more confusing. While directing drivers to…

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Big Picture Page

The Sedona Excentric Task Force captures a moment. Upon realizing he had just signed away the opportunity for another championship NBA title, Lebron James says goodbye to Miami, Florida and hello to Cleveland, Ohio – again. While he is going home to the Cavaliers, people who thought he was part of their Florida family are beyond shocked and dismayed. One man who painted a mural of James and the other Heat players covered up James’ face in anger. Some thought this photo was taken when James won his first championship ring. Others believe the photo was taken after he read…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

GLUTEN DEPENDENCY  I’ve taken up the mantle in    Defense of noble wheat Which, at the hands of gluten, may    Face ultimate defeat! Although I’ve suffered bloating and    Fatigue and canker sores, Joint pain and diarrhea and    Bad dreams and gagging snores And changes in behavior and    Small fractures of my head And bulky stools and rashes when    I glimpse a crumb of bread, And know that these are symptoms in    “The Celiac Checklist Of Glutenesque Intolerance,”    But, still, I must resist, For in my fluffy, rising soul    I am a gluten…

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The Truth Behind Contrails

The Sedona Excentric crack staff members take a look at the heretofore unexplained increase in contrails in the skies above the Verde Valley. Our crack staff members sat perched high in a tree for weeks, descending only to eat and use the potty. Our people were armed with really long straws, hoping to catch super-sonic jets in action spewing toxic artificial vapor clouds to be tested by experts to discern their chemical content. In the late 1990s, theories cropped up about the government spraying chemicals in to the atmosphere for a variety of reasons.Some believed they were attempting to control…

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Darwin Awards . . . Stored in the Archives

Ten examples of some of the dumbest criminals. All of them were American citizens. Go figure. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked….. The chef at a Swiss hotel lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting, negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the…

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Scotch With Water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotchwith two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.’ The bartender says ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’ As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’ The old woman says ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming up’ says the…

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Excentric Look Into The Future…

In September, our staff takes a look at the luck of the Irish. Find a 4-leaf clover and enjoy good luck and prosperity forever. For even better luck, kiss the blarney stone or catch a leprechaun. For the best luck of all, find the pot o’ gold at the end of a rainbow. Just remember, that more often than not, the pot will contain something not quite as valuable as gold. Whatever you do, don’t kiss it. Related posts: Excentric Look into The Future Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

PRIESTLY THEFT NEWS: Police arrested three 22-year-old men after someone reported seeing someone wearing vestments stolen from the St. Joseph Roman Catholic Church in Gardner, Massachusetts. Police say they have a motive, but are not making it public until they finish the investigation, and it was not anti-religious. Some speculate it was to boost fund raising while washing windshields. INTERCEPTED PASS NEWS: Michigan authorities say a man tried to throw a football loaded with drugs and cell phones into the yard of a state prison with the football landing between two fences. It was reported that the ball contained heroin,…

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Curmudgeon Corner

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: REALITY “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” A. Einstein “The people who say you are not facing reality actually mean that you are not facing their idea of reality. Reality is above all else a variable. With a firm enough commitment, you can sometimes create a reality which did not…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Q:  I often read articles about menacing ghosts, puzzling poltergeists, Bigfoot sightings and extraterrestrial abductions. As I read these articles, I discover that many are written by adults who are recalling incidents that took place during their childhood. I often wonder if they are just writing stories for the sake of seeing their tales in print or are allowing their imaginative recollections to infiltrate their sensibilities. Why would people in their twenties or older write about odd happenings from their childhood? A: I really don’t know. Perhaps their memory was repressed due to the fright and horror they experienced. Or…

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Nice Boots!

The Sedona Excentric crack staff members take a look at two-toned boots as a new summer fashion statement throughout the southwest. While traveling in her hot rod through small towns, attending antique car shows, this person takes time out to pose with her car and show off her boots. It seems her boots were a big hit with passerby, as many people, especially men, admiring her boots asked for a photograph. Made of mixed leathers, the boots instep uppers match the belt worn by the roadster owner. Our own staff members tried to get the woman to divulge where she…

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Long Live the Occult . . . By Bishop Special Excentric Necromancer

Where no hope is left, is left no fear – J.Milton Riding the technological bandwagon, life is changing seemingly faster than time itself. Truth be told, the rush to the Internet has created casualties in our daily lives. Harken to the words from The Stone, a philosophical volume of small circulation but enormous power. Indeed as we learn new skills from Tweeting to Texting to preferring the virtual to real action, other proficiencies are going by the wayside: The art of conversation, the art of being present, the art of looking at people, and that’s for openers. Nonetheless, some features…

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More Politics For Dummies . . .

Our crack staff takes a look at global climate change and the denial by some politicians that humans are partly responsible. Actually, it is quite understandable. These same politicians believe the Flinstones were real and sexual orientation can be cured with liniment and a marathon of Scared Straight movies. In this picture, an innocent boy confronts a lizard women (further proof that people lived among dinosaurs). Though politicians have the power to reduce carbon emissions, they would rather convince Lizard Lady to buy more sun screen. Related posts: Politics For Dummies . . . Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality…

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An Excentric Look Into The Future

In August, our staff takes a look at popular television shows involving Amish people, like Breaking Amish and Amish Mafia. Now, under direction of Sir William, a new show is being shot featuring a young group of Amish beachcombers relocated from Pennsylvania to the sands of the New Jersey shore. Amish Gone Bass is sure to be a big hit on some high numbered cable channel. Related posts: An Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future . . .

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

BULLY FOR YOU NEWS: “I’m against bullying, but I’m getting damn tired of it being used as a mantra for everything, and the ills of the world. When all most people just have to grow a pair, and stick up for them damn selves.” So says the Juneor of Porterville, California, where, evidently, even the females are encouraged to sport male genitalia. Sounds like the Juneor needs to grow a brain. EDUMACATIONAL NEWS: A Connecticut college dropout was arrested after admitting to calling in two bomb threats to keep her family from learning she had quit Quinnipiac University. She made…

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Curmudgeon Corner . . .

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: DOCTORS “If your time ain’t come not even a doctor can kill you.” American Proverb “The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that “hmmmm” noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won’t come right out and say “UH-oh!” Dave Barry “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

A SO SO PIECE So, I’ve a major bone to pick–    So fervently, I’m blue! So let me earnestly explain    So you’ll know what I do! So what I know I know I hear,    So you must hear it too. So let us raise one angry voice    So we can act on cue! So, “so” is what this is about!    So now you glimpse my view! “So” is an on-air pox to purge    So it’s flushed down the loo! “So” starts too many sentences,    “So” is a crutch, a glue, “So” messes up…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Q:  I read an article written by an expert on the paranormal where they explained what a ghost might be. According to this person, A ghostly figure can be: a real person; a haunting (an “imprint” of people; a “recording” of sorts); an apparition of the dead; an apparition of the living; a psychic perception; a trick of memory; a trick of perception; a blur brought on by infra-sound; an image caused by phantoms of the brain. How do you know then if you are experiencing a real visitation from someone from the beyond or a trick or brain phantom?…

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