November 20, 2017

INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

GIVING THANKS NEWS: Police say a Pennsylvania woman chased her boyfriend around a dining room and stabbed him in the chest because he started eating Thanksgiving dinner while she slept off a bender. The boyfriend say she had too much to drink and fell asleep, so he helped himself to dinner while she slept. She stabbed him and threw the knife at him, cutting his face. This year, he was thankful his wounds were not life threatening. SHELL GAME NEWS: State crews in Indiana have put up “Turtle Crossing” signs along a busy road running beside a wildlife area in…

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Curmudgeon Corner . . .

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: HOLIDAYS “Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.” Erma Bombeck “On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf’s lot to remain merry in the face of torment and…

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Thrill Seeking Big Picture

The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at thrill seekers and the risks they are willing to take to get that rush. This spirited diver took to the seas to encounter great white sharks up close and personal. Some adrenaline junkies take to tall buildings and leap to the streets below with small parachutes. Others dive off cliffs with wing-like suits and soar like birds in the drafts. There are bungee jumpers, sky divers, and more. While it would appear most extreme excursions involve the sky, the man pictured here is among the few that delve into the deep…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

FORGIVENESS I found myself once scoffing at The efforts of a fool Whose awkward failures made me feel Superior and cool. But, as I grew much older I Could see another view: That those more competent than I Saw me without a clue! And, yet, we each were only what We were, and nothing more; We’re stuck with that and even though We’d really like to soar Above the cruel reality Of our quite finite selves, No matter if we’re giants or Just Lilliputian elves, We’re set down in an axiom– Forgiveness at its core: We each just do the…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Q: I read a story about a guy who observed alien aircraft in the skies multiple times. On the third occasion he experienced a feeling of being paralyzed while in bed. He was awake, but could only move his eyes. Then he felt something being placed on his stomach area. Is it possible he had some kind of alien implant placed into his navel? Maybe it was like a tracking device similar to the ones used in The Matrix. Have you heard of this before? A: Usually, when people start making cinema references, I lean toward their story being influenced…

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Big Christams Picture

The Sedona Excentric takes a big picture look at what happens to people who get those hand knitted Christmas vests and sweaters. While Great Aunts and Grandmothers may think they are adorable, these people are marred psychologically for the remainder of their lives. Take this nice young man, for instance. He was the victim of receiving knitted and crocheted vests and sweaters for years. His parents would parade him around on display at holiday gatherings in front of relatives and neighbors. Everyone made such a fuss over him, he thought he was quite the attraction. Now, all grown up, though…

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AUNT EDNA’S BEST RUM COOKIES EVER!

The Excentric continues its tradition of publishing Aunt Edna’s Best Rum Cookies Ever! She originally submitted this recipe in 1991. For years it has been written in near its original form. Here’s what you’ll need: 1 or 2 quarts Rum 1 stick butter 1 cup sugar 2 large eggs ¼ cup brown sugar 1 cup dried fruit ¼ cup chopped nuts 1 tsp baking powder 1 tsp baking soda 1 tsp lemon juice Before you start, sample the Rum to check for quality. Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring spoons and cup, mixer and un-greased baking sheet,…

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Holiday of Guilt . . . by Will Durst, Excentric Contributor

The autumn dark is lengthening, which harkens the English- speaking, Judeo- Christian Holiday Season is about to split open wider than a crocodile mouth at the bottom of a baby duckling water slide. It begins with Columbus Day. No mail and the banks are closed. Much is to be said for starting slow. Then the downward hurtle is set off by Halloween, when people toss about candy, free, incognito. Fast forward to the favorite holiday of liberals all over California. The eagerly awaited, down- home, secular celebration, known for bringing families together every November. The one day a year dedicated…

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Watch Your Step . . .

Even while more than 90% of environmental scientists agree that, with proper regulation and increased use of renewable energy, the current negative impact may be reversed with time, there are politicians that would rather let Americans breathe, eat and drink unsafe air, food and water than force those responsible to clean up their mess. Somebody, eventually has to put their foot down and take the higher moral ground. If not, future generations may find themselves chewing air, growing their own food and bathing in bottled water. Wait, the current generation is already growing their own food and bathing in bottled…

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An Excentric Look Into The Future

In January, our staff takes a look at carnivals and fares cropping up around the country. Following on the heels of last month’s revealing Excentric headline, involving Six Flags, January exposes the dangers fast rides pose to the public. In an exclusive expose, roller coasters and Ferris wheels prove to be the most dangerous, especially when they powered by local boneheads. Related posts: An Excentric Look Into The Future Emergency Wine . . . Excentric Look into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH NEWS: A bank robber who stopped during his escape to bum a cigarette off a construction worker has been sentenced to 10 years in prison by a federal judge in Pittsburgh. The man’s attorney argued his client has had a life-long problem with alcohol and should get a shorter term. The man’s addictions seem to have caught up with him. smoking really can be hazardous to your health – and freedom. ILL GOTTEN BOOTY NEWS: A man from Swansea, Wales, was accused of stealing more than 40,000 pounds ($64,000) from the bank account of an elderly…

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Curmudgeon Corner . . .

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: TRAVEL “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts.” Mark Twain “The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.” Saint Augustine “To get away from one’s working environment is, in a sense, to get away from…

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They’re Here . . .

The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at new forms extraterrestrial visitors may be embodying. As little to no evidence has emerged among all the hoopla that alines are residing on planet Earth, proponents of claims that stellar travelers have settled here have shifted from little green or gray human-like forms to that of domestic animals. Proof is offered in this photograph captured by a believer that his newly adopted canine is, in fact, a vessel for a Pleiadian Star System Inter-stellar Commander. His “dog” Atlantis, is shown here conducting a mind meld with his daughter, Lemuria, who seems…

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Typical Excentric Reader

This month’s typical Excentric Reader is Pam Hopkins, shown here on vacation in Maxatlan holding her favorite paper. With her Sedona Excentric in hand, Pam poses at a courtyard at an outdoor mall. In the background is a man holding a sign that reads, “Official Taxi For Hire.” Pam couldn’t have picked a better spot than in front of Mazatlan’s only official taxi, in case she and her companion had the need to make an official getaway. Mazatlan is a stop for many cruises, which perhaps brought Pam there. Thanks, Pam. Related posts: Typical Excentric Reader George Buchanan Typical Excentric…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

THE BEST My grandpa told me, long ago, He’d had a talk with God! I quickly raised my eyebrows and Declared ol’ Gramps a fraud! “I see you don’t believe me, boy, You think I’ve lost my mind! But God has time for folks like me Who’ve fallen far behind. “In fact, He has a special spot For those who’ve lost their game; He takes a special interest in The folks who take the blame! “In failure I was writhing–in Self-loathing and disgust! Through gagging tears I asked my Lord If I’d betrayed his trust.” “I’ve watched you do your…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Q: I read a story about a guy who stayed in a low-cost motel while traveling on business. It was provided by the person who hired him, not one he would have selected. Immediately after checking in, he experienced lights flickering on and off, the television changes channels without a remote and yelling from an adjacent vacant room. His phone didn’t work, so he couldn’t call anyone. He couldn’t even check out because nobody was at the office. Was he just a victim of cruddy lodging or could this place have been haunted? A: Could be both. Sounds like he…

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When You Gotta Go . . .

It’s all in how you look at things. From the vantage point of this photographer, one would be left to think you need climb over the brick wall to gain access to the private facilities. Some visitors to Sedona have complained about using the porta-potties at the arts and crafts shows at the corner of Saddlerock Circle and SR89A. Clearly, they are far better off than being stranded along the Great Wall of China. In fact, after observing this sign of relief offered by the Chinese government, some are reconsidering the naming of the wall. Perhaps it’s not so great…

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One Man One Vote. . . by Will Durst, Excentric Contributor

Whiners. Bounders. Ingrates. Talking about the incessant griping and sniping currently buzzing over long overdue Republican reforms requiring citizens to produce a government issued ID before casting a vote. From the outcry you’d think the GOP was organizing competitive kitten clubbings. Again. Oh for crum’s sakes, settle down people. It’s just an ID. You need one to fly or buy or ply or even take out a library book. What is wrong with insuring the integrity of the electoral process? This isn’t voter suppression, it’s voter protection. Which is why in the great state of Texas, it’s easier to buy…

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Not So Happy Halloween. . .

While most pumpkins were busy adorning porches and decks to entertain neighborhood trick or treaters, these jack-o-lanterns were displaying some seriously bad behavior during All Hallows Eve. One of the American native winter squash had at least one too many beers with the result being and eruption of involuntarily spewed seeds and filling. A well behaved pumpkin would not only have provided entertainment to Halloween revelers, but also yielded its filling for pumpkin pies and seeds for salad toppings. Next year, the owners of this house are going plastic. Related posts: Cheap Halloween Happy Saint Valentine’s Day . . ….

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An Excentric Look Into The Future . . .

In December, our staff takes a look at the strange places people go to achieve some privacy. Few people are fortunate enough to have a space of their own they can retreat to in order to get away from it all. One man was digitally captured seeking some alone time to read his daily newspaper. With family visiting and every room occupied by someone doing something, the only place he could seek solace was atop his chimney cap on his home’s roof. While amused by the idea of squatting on a chimney cap to read a paper, we were disappointed…

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