June 22, 2018

INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

GOING POSTAL NEWS: Police say a man and a woman were going through mailboxes around the town of Sammamish, WA. Townspeople saw the thieve’s vehicle filled with mail and blocked the road. The couple ran. The woman was caught immediately, them stealing a kayak to make his escape in a pond. A neighbor grabbed his own kayak and paddled after the thief, who was up the pond without a paddle and rowing with his hands.   MONKEY BUSINESS NEWS: An injured monkey had fallen between the tracks, after touching high-tension wires at the train station in the north Indian city…

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Curmudgeon Corner…

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner.   This month’s subject: REALITY “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” Albert Einstein “Reality is a question of perspective; the further you get from the past, the more concrete and plausible it seems—but as you approach the present, it inevitably seems incredible.” Salman Rushdie “It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to…

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Another Big Picture…

The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at the ramifications of the recent legalization of growing pot in some states of the United States and some isolated cities around the world. Not impressed by the news, this group of pot growers has been gathering in their courtyard as long as they can remember. While they have yet to dry and smoke any of their many horticultural products, they all seem suspiciously mellow. Perhaps the pot plants they grow emit a euphoric pheromone causing one to be naturally laid back, but this group of growers can sit and stare at…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

A STRETCH The evolution scientists Are tracking a new trend: Our arms, for eons quite unchanged, Have started to extend! The evolutionary leap Began ten years ago– Has escalated ever since, Producing cries of woe From manufacturers of shirts And sweaters, coats and stuff, Who say the sleeves of last year’s clothes Are never long enough! This puzzling phenomenon Caused scientists great pain Until I stepped into the light,Quite eager to explain: Our butts have grown much broader with Each smart phone upgrade bought, Requiring longer arms to take That wider selfie shot! Related posts: Minister of Reality, Doug “Rabbit”…

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Kozmik Korner by Lush Gumball

Q: I’ve been reading story after story of people who claim to be visited by one dead relative or another around Christmas. Some have seen them sitting in armchairs, some heard angelic singing, others just felt their presence, and still others got mysterious phone calls. Charles Dickens set the stage for spiritual visitation with “A Christmas Carol.” Scrooge was visited by ghosts of Christmas past, present and future, but none were related to him. Is Christmas the most popular time of ghostly visitations? A: It would seem it is if your name is Ebenezer Scrooge.   Q: I found an…

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Big Picture Page

It’s deja-vu all over again. History has a way of repeating itself. Take the recent case of a raving lunatic tyrant in North Korea losing it over a satirical movie, “The Interview,” with a plot of assassination. Sure, Sony could have used a fictitious character from a fictitious land, but even with their poor taste in judgement, the target of their cinematic event should maintain the sense of humor. Once, long ago, a chap named Charlie Chaplin wrote, starred in, scored produced and directed called “The Great Dictator.” Before its release and before Germany and Britain were at war, the…

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Let It Snow . . .

Winter brings the beauty of snow in many parts of the country. Some people deal with it better than others. While it makes traveling challenging, it brings out the kid in all of us. Fond memories on building snow caves and forts for snowball fights, sledding, skiing, sledding and horse drawn sleighs and making snow angels with our arms and legs. Children everywhere still hope for enough snow to close the schools. Many adults have a different take on the white, wet wonder. Faced with having to drive to work or shovel the driveway and sidewalks to avoid taking a…

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An Excentric Look into The Future . . .

In February, our staff takes a look at odd Valentine’s Day rituals in the deep south of the United States. A couple exchanges their vows in swamp land, the bride carrying a small bouquet of Spanish moss, the groom in his finest chapeau. As one can easily discern from the photograph, everyone on the groom’s side of the family came dressed for the occasion. The gown? Louis Gator. Related posts: An Excentric Look Into The Future . . . An Excentric Look Into The Future Excentric Look Into The Future… Excentric Look into The Future

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

GIVING THANKS NEWS: Police say a Pennsylvania woman chased her boyfriend around a dining room and stabbed him in the chest because he started eating Thanksgiving dinner while she slept off a bender. The boyfriend say she had too much to drink and fell asleep, so he helped himself to dinner while she slept. She stabbed him and threw the knife at him, cutting his face. This year, he was thankful his wounds were not life threatening. SHELL GAME NEWS: State crews in Indiana have put up “Turtle Crossing” signs along a busy road running beside a wildlife area in…

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Curmudgeon Corner . . .

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: HOLIDAYS “Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.” Erma Bombeck “On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf’s lot to remain merry in the face of torment and…

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Thrill Seeking Big Picture

The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at thrill seekers and the risks they are willing to take to get that rush. This spirited diver took to the seas to encounter great white sharks up close and personal. Some adrenaline junkies take to tall buildings and leap to the streets below with small parachutes. Others dive off cliffs with wing-like suits and soar like birds in the drafts. There are bungee jumpers, sky divers, and more. While it would appear most extreme excursions involve the sky, the man pictured here is among the few that delve into the deep…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

FORGIVENESS I found myself once scoffing at The efforts of a fool Whose awkward failures made me feel Superior and cool. But, as I grew much older I Could see another view: That those more competent than I Saw me without a clue! And, yet, we each were only what We were, and nothing more; We’re stuck with that and even though We’d really like to soar Above the cruel reality Of our quite finite selves, No matter if we’re giants or Just Lilliputian elves, We’re set down in an axiom– Forgiveness at its core: We each just do the…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Q: I read a story about a guy who observed alien aircraft in the skies multiple times. On the third occasion he experienced a feeling of being paralyzed while in bed. He was awake, but could only move his eyes. Then he felt something being placed on his stomach area. Is it possible he had some kind of alien implant placed into his navel? Maybe it was like a tracking device similar to the ones used in The Matrix. Have you heard of this before? A: Usually, when people start making cinema references, I lean toward their story being influenced…

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Big Christams Picture

The Sedona Excentric takes a big picture look at what happens to people who get those hand knitted Christmas vests and sweaters. While Great Aunts and Grandmothers may think they are adorable, these people are marred psychologically for the remainder of their lives. Take this nice young man, for instance. He was the victim of receiving knitted and crocheted vests and sweaters for years. His parents would parade him around on display at holiday gatherings in front of relatives and neighbors. Everyone made such a fuss over him, he thought he was quite the attraction. Now, all grown up, though…

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AUNT EDNA’S BEST RUM COOKIES EVER!

The Excentric continues its tradition of publishing Aunt Edna’s Best Rum Cookies Ever! She originally submitted this recipe in 1991. For years it has been written in near its original form. Here’s what you’ll need: 1 or 2 quarts Rum 1 stick butter 1 cup sugar 2 large eggs ¼ cup brown sugar 1 cup dried fruit ¼ cup chopped nuts 1 tsp baking powder 1 tsp baking soda 1 tsp lemon juice Before you start, sample the Rum to check for quality. Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring spoons and cup, mixer and un-greased baking sheet,…

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Holiday of Guilt . . . by Will Durst, Excentric Contributor

The autumn dark is lengthening, which harkens the English- speaking, Judeo- Christian Holiday Season is about to split open wider than a crocodile mouth at the bottom of a baby duckling water slide. It begins with Columbus Day. No mail and the banks are closed. Much is to be said for starting slow. Then the downward hurtle is set off by Halloween, when people toss about candy, free, incognito. Fast forward to the favorite holiday of liberals all over California. The eagerly awaited, down- home, secular celebration, known for bringing families together every November. The one day a year dedicated…

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Watch Your Step . . .

Even while more than 90% of environmental scientists agree that, with proper regulation and increased use of renewable energy, the current negative impact may be reversed with time, there are politicians that would rather let Americans breathe, eat and drink unsafe air, food and water than force those responsible to clean up their mess. Somebody, eventually has to put their foot down and take the higher moral ground. If not, future generations may find themselves chewing air, growing their own food and bathing in bottled water. Wait, the current generation is already growing their own food and bathing in bottled…

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An Excentric Look Into The Future

In January, our staff takes a look at carnivals and fares cropping up around the country. Following on the heels of last month’s revealing Excentric headline, involving Six Flags, January exposes the dangers fast rides pose to the public. In an exclusive expose, roller coasters and Ferris wheels prove to be the most dangerous, especially when they powered by local boneheads. Related posts: An Excentric Look Into The Future Emergency Wine . . . Excentric Look into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH NEWS: A bank robber who stopped during his escape to bum a cigarette off a construction worker has been sentenced to 10 years in prison by a federal judge in Pittsburgh. The man’s attorney argued his client has had a life-long problem with alcohol and should get a shorter term. The man’s addictions seem to have caught up with him. smoking really can be hazardous to your health – and freedom. ILL GOTTEN BOOTY NEWS: A man from Swansea, Wales, was accused of stealing more than 40,000 pounds ($64,000) from the bank account of an elderly…

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Curmudgeon Corner . . .

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: TRAVEL “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts.” Mark Twain “The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.” Saint Augustine “To get away from one’s working environment is, in a sense, to get away from…

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