October 23, 2018

The Advantages of Marrying a Momma’s Boy

Dear Frankly, I love your columns! I am planning to marry the man of my dreams next June. We have been dating for over a year and are sooooo much in love. We want to have a huge outdoor wedding in Sedona. Although his parents are wonderful, I’m a little concerned about the role that they still play in his life…particularly his mother. She still does my fiancé’s laundry, cooks his lunches daily and cleans his house. What do you think? Marching to Marriage Dear Marching, My fifth husband also was a momma’s boy. I suggest you marry him, let…

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Exorcisms in Sedona Area

Q: I found an article that stated there was a shortage of priests who can perform exorcisms and the United States’ Roman Catholic bishops are sponsoring a conference on how to cast out evil. It claimed that only a tiny number of US priests have enough training and knowledge to perform an exorcism with dioceses nationwide relying solely on these clergy who have been overwhelmed with requests to evaluate claims. Are you aware of any exorcisms in the Sedona area? A: Not personally. I’m not sure about demons and evil possessions, but there are some people I would like to…

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Asian Form of Sasquatch

Q: I recently read where villagers in Shennongjia, Hubei Province in China have been wondering about the presence of a Bigfoot ever since a man named Ding Fei, 33, found mysterious thick curly hairs with transparent roots at a location called Swallow Hole on a local mountain. Is it possible an Asian form of Sasquatch exists? A: It’s possible. I presume an Asian Bigfoot would wear about a size 7. Q: I saw an article about a Bosnian man whose house has been hit six times by meteorites claims aliens are targeting him. The white-hot rocks have hammered a man’s…

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Doug (Rabbit) Sutherland…Minister of Reality

BUT NOT DUCK The adjectives abound these days To grapple with a schmuck — The man who we all recognize As “Donald” (but not Duck)! The word, repugnant, can’t describe This man whose life is built On pompous, self-aggrandizement, Without remorse or guilt! — A man without compassion who’s A loser and a pimp, A man who puts down others who’s A bully and a wimp, A cowardly misogynist, A bigot and a fake, A narcissistic idiot, A crass, unworthy flake, A xenophobic demagogue Who’s dragged us through the muck — Inadequate pejoratives For “Donald” (but not Duck)! Related posts:…

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Crash & Burn . . . Repeat

We might as well be watching a 30- car pile- up the way Americans are holding hands over their eyes trying to avoid the grisly bits of the most grotesque presidential race we have witnessed in this, the second decade of the 21st Century. Of course, it’s only the 2nd election during that time, but still. That is not to say 2012 wasn’t genuinely gruesome with more than its share of cataclysmic collisions and demolition derby debacles but this time they’re headed downhill faster than an 18- wheeler with burned out brakes carrying a load of nitroglycerine on the western…

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The American People . . . by Will Durst

So the conventions are over and we’ve entered the penultimate stage of this presidential demolition derby and your muted murmurs of “yippee” and “hooray” have been duly noted. That’s enough, put the horns away, this is not an overly large celebration. It took a year and a half, but the presidential field has winnowed down to the major political parties’ two anointed nominees: the Donald and the Hillary. Let us pray. And more polarizing figures could not be found with the superconducting magnet at the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva. Thus far the process has been everything but pretty or…

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Venison Jerky . . . by Will Durst

If the goal is to cause both sides of the political spectrum to quiver and twitch and shiver and shake like a raccoon clinging to the outside of a cement mixer speeding through a railroad yard, just casually throw out the term, “gun control,” and step back. The left considers all guns the reprehensible tool of warriors, criminals and primitives, while in most of red state America, the definition of gun control is using two hands and hitting the target. Then some addled- brained, flippo- unit actually uses those techniques to take out a bunch of innocent people, and the…

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Amassing? . . . by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland

AMASSING? I woke up from a nightmare in A black, depressing chill! The president had just decreed All rivers flow uphill! “Don’t worry,” he was heard to shout, “For it will be amassing!” (Amazing with bad spelling? or Just presidential gassing?) But, then, the Mississippi turned, As millions dropped their jaw, Flowed north to old St. Louis then Northwest, to Omaha, Amassing, in a world class flood, Then, surging on, upstream, Pushed on along the Mighty Mo, And quickly gathered steam, Transforming my Montana to An inland sea of sorts!– The shoreline lined with parking lots And Donald Trump resorts!…

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My Pod . . . by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland

MY POD The podcast of my life is out On iTunes and online. So, if you’re tired of living yours, Rejoice! You can live mine! Experience your birth again That brutal, freezing day, As doc Berg drops you on your head And sends you on your way! And, soon, you’ll be rejected by Your teachers, friends and peers, Unable to learn basketball And laughed at for your ears! Then, taste humiliation’s dust Through years of workplace hurt, As colleagues soar ahead of you And leave you in the dirt! The podcast of my life’s for sale At all the podcast…

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Water We Waiting For? Water Conservation NOW! . . . by Nicholas Martell

As I walk into the Hilton hotel for the 107th Arizona Town Hall Meeting, I find myself in unfamiliar territory. What the hell am I doing in a Hilton hotel in the first place? This is me, a scruffy, 29 year old graduate student who refuses to cut (or regularly comb) his thick, John Fogerty-esque mane. None of my favorite shirts come anywhere near a button, and I prefer my shoes to be of the slip-on nature. When did I become an adult? As I approach the registration table all I can feel is the nagging anxiety of wondering if…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

APPLE SEASON November is the end of it– Though autumn’s gold beguiles– Another apple season ends, While one old woman smiles! For, Evelyn loves apples and She loves her apple trees, And, one last time, she struggles through Her orchard, where she sees The ancient trees she planted with Her husband, buried here– Their lives and deaths still intertwined As winter days grow near– And, holding forth their shaky limbs And offering their gifts, Her trees seem to enfold her, as Collective memory drifts To one November morning, when They knelt down, on their knees, And dreamed of apple seasons…

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Wrecked Rectitude . . . by Will Durst

Get out the big black Sharpie and pull down the official Presidential Campaign Manual because its time to redact the rules. Reality television star Donald Trump has altered the way politics is played to an extent that is game- changing. Judged on a scale of one to ten, think somewhere in the mid five figures. First off, candidates no longer have to worry about looking ridiculous. Actual clowns are now allowed to emerge from the clown car. Opportunism is in, while rationality has been swept off the table, along with class, integrity, decorum, common human decency and hygiene. Two, shooting…

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Anchor Baby Battle by Will Durst

Prepare for earth shattering news. Immigration has become a key issue in the race for the Republican nomination. Yes. Again. It’s what folks in the garden industry call a perennial. Or rather, biennial, as it happens like clockwork every year ending in an even number. As predictable as fruit flies in the dumpster behind a produce store on garbage day. Every election cycle, the GOP energizes its base by sounding the newcomer alarm. This proud honored American tradition dates back to the Iroquois, “Can’t let those damn Europeans in, they’ll ruin everything.” Donald Trump dominated the early rounds of the…

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Who Would Want This Job? by Will Durst

It’s like a train wreck. Fascinating, repellant, and loud: all at the same time. Talking about the American presidential sweepstakes. And, as ratings for the last few debates seem to indicate, very hard to look away. It was Winston Churchill who called our election process… “a circus wrapped in a game show covered in poisonous weasel glitter.” And if he didn’t, he should have. Look at how we treat these poor people. Gang debates. Smug interrogators. Partisan witch hunts. Hostile examinations. Substandard lecterns. Marathon fund- raisers with cold congealed Swedish meatballs in a watery mustard sauce. What we end up…

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RED MEAT VS CREME BRULEE . . .by Will Durst

If the disappointment of everyone expecting fireworks at the first Democratic debate exhibited itself as perspiration, we could declare the California drought over. A few soggy matches might have been lit but that was it. Heavy on the smoke: non- existent on the flame. This initial gathering of liberal presidential wannabees did highlight the differing styles of the 2 parties. Both may be big on giving away government money, but Democrats prefer ladling it out to poor people, while the Republicans want to slip it to the rich. Republicans live in Potterville and the Dems call Bedford Falls home. Even…

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GREED NOT GOOD . . . by Will Durst

Get this. And get it straight. Gordon Gekko was wrong. Greed is not good. Greed is bad. Greed eats away the core of society like a golden parasitic leech the size of Manitoba. Or Saskatchewan. One of those Provinces or Territories or Protectorates or whatever they use in Canada to keep their license plates distinct. And practicing and/ or defending greed makes you nothing but a blood- sucking tick no matter how fancy a suit you’re wearing. Or size of the diamonds around your wrist. Or how free- range the organic heirloom Chicken Florentine is on your plate. The movie…

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Minister of Reality . . . by Doug (Rabbit) Sutherland

JOLLY PROCTOLOGY My daddy said it loud in spite Of my repugnant scowls: “You’ll know you’re growing old when you Start talking ’bout your bowels!” His words rose up in horror and My forehead ran with sweat While googling “proctologists” Upon the internet. The doctor’s name was Jolly and He grinned out from my screen; Doc Jolly loved proctology!– On colons, he was keen! He said he was a genius with His radiated gas, And, if I had ten thousand bucks, He’d fix my sorry ass! My youth has been restored again!– No talk about my bowels! (Except, these days…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

JOLLY PROCTOLOGY My daddy said it loud in spite Of my repugnant scowls: “You’ll know you’re growing old when you Start talking ’bout your bowels!” His words rose up in horror and My forehead ran with sweat While googling “proctologists” Upon the internet. The doctor’s name was Jolly and He grinned out from my screen; Doc Jolly loved proctology!– On colons, he was keen! He said he was a genius with His radiated gas, And, if I had ten thousand bucks, He’d fix my sorry ass! My youth has been restored again!– No talk about my bowels! (Except, these days…

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HIPS, LIPS, TIPS, DRIPS, & SLIPS, by Will Durst

Yeah, I hear what you’re saying. “For all you political comics, Donald Trump must be a dream come true. Manna from heaven. Slam- dunking from a step- ladder. Swimming in a sea of beer.” Oh sure, there are jokes. 1. Trump’s presidential campaign is like a baboon’s butt. The higher he climbs, the harder it is to look. 2. Not saying his message is confusing, but doubt he could convince a majority of the voices in his head to vote for him. C. Trump doesn’t respect gay marriage because of tradition. And the fact that he’s been married 3 times…

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Doug Sutherland, Minister of Reality

JUSTICE RE-DRESSED It should have been predicted by Sheer logic of the head That Justices in dresses would Concur that gays should wed! The habits of the past were changed On that Supreme Court day– Traditional traditions all Transmogrified away. On TV, boys were kissing boys, And girls were kissing girls, While fat, white, male Republicans Were pulling out their curls. The thing that never changes is That change is here to stay, Though change-deniers backward-march To drums of yesterday. Or, as my daddy wryly said, While stroking his old dome, “The folks who stand in front of trains Will…

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