January 20, 2018

Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

APPLE SEASON November is the end of it– Though autumn’s gold beguiles– Another apple season ends, While one old woman smiles! For, Evelyn loves apples and She loves her apple trees, And, one last time, she struggles through Her orchard, where she sees The ancient trees she planted with Her husband, buried here– Their lives and deaths still intertwined As winter days grow near– And, holding forth their shaky limbs And offering their gifts, Her trees seem to enfold her, as Collective memory drifts To one November morning, when They knelt down, on their knees, And dreamed of apple seasons…

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Wrecked Rectitude . . . by Will Durst

Get out the big black Sharpie and pull down the official Presidential Campaign Manual because its time to redact the rules. Reality television star Donald Trump has altered the way politics is played to an extent that is game- changing. Judged on a scale of one to ten, think somewhere in the mid five figures. First off, candidates no longer have to worry about looking ridiculous. Actual clowns are now allowed to emerge from the clown car. Opportunism is in, while rationality has been swept off the table, along with class, integrity, decorum, common human decency and hygiene. Two, shooting…

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Anchor Baby Battle by Will Durst

Prepare for earth shattering news. Immigration has become a key issue in the race for the Republican nomination. Yes. Again. It’s what folks in the garden industry call a perennial. Or rather, biennial, as it happens like clockwork every year ending in an even number. As predictable as fruit flies in the dumpster behind a produce store on garbage day. Every election cycle, the GOP energizes its base by sounding the newcomer alarm. This proud honored American tradition dates back to the Iroquois, “Can’t let those damn Europeans in, they’ll ruin everything.” Donald Trump dominated the early rounds of the…

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Who Would Want This Job? by Will Durst

It’s like a train wreck. Fascinating, repellant, and loud: all at the same time. Talking about the American presidential sweepstakes. And, as ratings for the last few debates seem to indicate, very hard to look away. It was Winston Churchill who called our election process… “a circus wrapped in a game show covered in poisonous weasel glitter.” And if he didn’t, he should have. Look at how we treat these poor people. Gang debates. Smug interrogators. Partisan witch hunts. Hostile examinations. Substandard lecterns. Marathon fund- raisers with cold congealed Swedish meatballs in a watery mustard sauce. What we end up…

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RED MEAT VS CREME BRULEE . . .by Will Durst

If the disappointment of everyone expecting fireworks at the first Democratic debate exhibited itself as perspiration, we could declare the California drought over. A few soggy matches might have been lit but that was it. Heavy on the smoke: non- existent on the flame. This initial gathering of liberal presidential wannabees did highlight the differing styles of the 2 parties. Both may be big on giving away government money, but Democrats prefer ladling it out to poor people, while the Republicans want to slip it to the rich. Republicans live in Potterville and the Dems call Bedford Falls home. Even…

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GREED NOT GOOD . . . by Will Durst

Get this. And get it straight. Gordon Gekko was wrong. Greed is not good. Greed is bad. Greed eats away the core of society like a golden parasitic leech the size of Manitoba. Or Saskatchewan. One of those Provinces or Territories or Protectorates or whatever they use in Canada to keep their license plates distinct. And practicing and/ or defending greed makes you nothing but a blood- sucking tick no matter how fancy a suit you’re wearing. Or size of the diamonds around your wrist. Or how free- range the organic heirloom Chicken Florentine is on your plate. The movie…

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Minister of Reality . . . by Doug (Rabbit) Sutherland

JOLLY PROCTOLOGY My daddy said it loud in spite Of my repugnant scowls: “You’ll know you’re growing old when you Start talking ’bout your bowels!” His words rose up in horror and My forehead ran with sweat While googling “proctologists” Upon the internet. The doctor’s name was Jolly and He grinned out from my screen; Doc Jolly loved proctology!– On colons, he was keen! He said he was a genius with His radiated gas, And, if I had ten thousand bucks, He’d fix my sorry ass! My youth has been restored again!– No talk about my bowels! (Except, these days…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

JOLLY PROCTOLOGY My daddy said it loud in spite Of my repugnant scowls: “You’ll know you’re growing old when you Start talking ’bout your bowels!” His words rose up in horror and My forehead ran with sweat While googling “proctologists” Upon the internet. The doctor’s name was Jolly and He grinned out from my screen; Doc Jolly loved proctology!– On colons, he was keen! He said he was a genius with His radiated gas, And, if I had ten thousand bucks, He’d fix my sorry ass! My youth has been restored again!– No talk about my bowels! (Except, these days…

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HIPS, LIPS, TIPS, DRIPS, & SLIPS, by Will Durst

Yeah, I hear what you’re saying. “For all you political comics, Donald Trump must be a dream come true. Manna from heaven. Slam- dunking from a step- ladder. Swimming in a sea of beer.” Oh sure, there are jokes. 1. Trump’s presidential campaign is like a baboon’s butt. The higher he climbs, the harder it is to look. 2. Not saying his message is confusing, but doubt he could convince a majority of the voices in his head to vote for him. C. Trump doesn’t respect gay marriage because of tradition. And the fact that he’s been married 3 times…

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Doug Sutherland, Minister of Reality

JUSTICE RE-DRESSED It should have been predicted by Sheer logic of the head That Justices in dresses would Concur that gays should wed! The habits of the past were changed On that Supreme Court day– Traditional traditions all Transmogrified away. On TV, boys were kissing boys, And girls were kissing girls, While fat, white, male Republicans Were pulling out their curls. The thing that never changes is That change is here to stay, Though change-deniers backward-march To drums of yesterday. Or, as my daddy wryly said, While stroking his old dome, “The folks who stand in front of trains Will…

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RUMPUS TRUMPUS CHUMPUS, by Will Durst

For all those bemoaning the lack of noise in the Republican presidential sweepstakes it’s time to get down on our knees and give thanks to Donald Trump because whatever that man touches turns to loud. He’s the gift that keeps on blaring. Has all the delicate innuendo of concrete curtain rods. Not just a loose cannon, more like a loose aircraft carrier. To say the campaign of the self- appointed captain of the S.S. Birther got off to a rocky start is like intimating that transatlantic telecommunications cables make substandard dental floss. Critics derided the guy who tried to trademark…

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QUANTUM GARDENING, by Doug (Rabbit) Sutherland

QUANTUM GARDENING I spaded up my garden and I planted beans that climb; I planted fragrant rosemary; I planted sage and thyme. I planted squash and carrots and Tomatoes, corn and kale; I planted cukes and onions, but My thyme began to fail! I planted spuds and lettuce and Cilantro, chard and peas; I planted beets and peppers while My thyme dropped to its knees! My Brussels sprouts were cheering as My garlic raised a toast; My parsley celebrated as My thyme gave up the ghost! (Make room, dear Stephen Hawking, for The Physicist of Rhyme!– Courageously rewriting, A Brief…

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Red Pope, Green Pope by Will Durst

He gets under their skin like termites in a boathouse. Drives them crazier than Hillary Clinton and Yoko Ono dancing on a gay pride parade float. He’s the itch you can’t scratch. The thorn in the palm of their paw. The 3- inch scratch on their favorite Ted Nugent album. Talking about that hot new Catholic sensation, Pope Frankie. At first it was his general commie pink yellow rat bastard predilection for focusing on the poor. “The poor. The poor. Why is it with him, always got to be about the goldarn poor.” But now the former Jorge Mario Bergoglio…

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Minister of Reality, Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland

JUDY’S SELFIE Well, Judy had another fight Down at her Apple store. They flat out said they won’t replace Her iPhone any more. She told them quite respectfully, The new phone didn’t work– That just like all the other times, The camera went berserk. She wore her hot bikini to Some beach that’s all the rage, And tried to take a selfie to Enhance her Facebook page. But, once again, the camera took A shot of some old bag!– A woman twice her age with warts, Gray hair and jowls that sag! And, as they walked her to the door,…

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This Month In Poly Ticks

And now for your monthly update in the world of poly ticks. Run for your lives, people, because it’s complete chaos out there. In the pre-summer rush to wrangle positive press; current presidential candidates, potential presidential candidates, former presidential candidates, former presidents, and current presidents are viciously competing for track space in a freakish spectacle of careening into walls and spinning out of control like souped-up bumper cars during a power surge. To say it is not a pretty sight is similar to intimating that encountering hot oily transmission parts in the bowels of your sleeping bag is not an…

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Minister of Reality, Doug (Rabbit) Sutherland

PRISM GLANCES I saw the little girl again In that old woman’s eyes!– The look, the smile, the twinkle that Belies her aged disguise! Her eyes are prisms bending time Back 90 years or more, And, there she is, a clear-eyed child Prepared to rise and soar! My Friend, who loves a boy of two Declares with certainty, Through prism glances sees him as A man of seventy! His eyes confirm experience Of decades still unknown!– Of mended hearts and scattered dreams, The fruits of seeds unsown! In every girl of 90 there’s The child to clearly see; In every…

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Proxy Rematch, by Will Durst

Might want to stuff your pants pockets with sand and hang onto the rail as the ship of state lurches towards the distinct possibility that the election to next command the helm will be between Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton. The brother versus the wife. Sounds like a probate lawsuit. This promises to be a fabulous development for comedians everywhere, precipitating the resurrection of all our 1992 Bush/ Clinton material. It’s the green thing to do. Recycling meets nostalgia. Together again for the very first time. A rematch by proxy. Now, if only we could coax Ross Perot back into…

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Doug (Rabbit) Sutherland, Minister of Reality

THE SHROUD OF WISDOM It’s true I’m old and wizened with All systems set to fail. My knees are weak, my elbows creak, My wattles flap and flail. But, there are compensations for The countless years I’ve sown. For, all of life’s a tradeoff, and In countless ways I’ve grown. I understand my fellow man Far better than before; I find compassion in my heart, Forgiveness at my core. The multitudes petition me To council in their strife– The shroud of wisdom, settled on The shoulders of my life. They tell me that I’m blessed and wise; To them it’s…

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Crazy Cruzy, by Will Durst

Winter is over! Winter is over! Excuse the jubilation, but we ink- stained wretches love the ritual excitement that occurs every spring- before- the Big Quadrennial with the first sighting of a red nose popping out of the presidential wannabe clown car. This seasonal harbinger is Ted Cruz who announced his candidacy for the highest office of the land. Throwing his 10 gallon hat into the ring at Liberty University, Cruz spoke to an assembly of students whose attendance was required. Mandatory attendance at Liberty University. Sounds like definition of the word “freedom” is fairly fluid for the matriculators of…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

DOG, SOLVED It finally occurred to me Why people love their dogs! A dog is eye-contact on paws, With no distracting slogs Into the black hole also known As, “Social Media,” Which sucks up eyeballs through the likes Of Wikipedia And countless other websites all Competing for our time– The Facebooks and the Twitters And the You Tubes–all sublime, And, frankly, all compelling when We need to feel unique, And worthy of attention when We’re feeling incomplete! I’ve never known a dog who needs A password or a shove To make his eyes peer into mine With pure and simple…

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