January 21, 2018

Curmudgeon Corner . . .

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: DOCTORS “If your time ain’t come not even a doctor can kill you.” American Proverb “The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that “hmmmm” noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won’t come right out and say “UH-oh!” Dave Barry “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

A SO SO PIECE So, I’ve a major bone to pick–    So fervently, I’m blue! So let me earnestly explain    So you’ll know what I do! So what I know I know I hear,    So you must hear it too. So let us raise one angry voice    So we can act on cue! So, “so” is what this is about!    So now you glimpse my view! “So” is an on-air pox to purge    So it’s flushed down the loo! “So” starts too many sentences,    “So” is a crutch, a glue, “So” messes up…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Q:  I read an article written by an expert on the paranormal where they explained what a ghost might be. According to this person, A ghostly figure can be: a real person; a haunting (an “imprint” of people; a “recording” of sorts); an apparition of the dead; an apparition of the living; a psychic perception; a trick of memory; a trick of perception; a blur brought on by infra-sound; an image caused by phantoms of the brain. How do you know then if you are experiencing a real visitation from someone from the beyond or a trick or brain phantom?…

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Sheep Rancher vs BLM . . .

The Sedona Excentric crack staff members take a look a hunters in Wyoming claiming the Bureau of Land and Management is responsible for reintroducing grey wolves to the area that threaten their livelihood. While protected from hunting in most circumstances, the wolves are generally accepted as nature’s way of thinning out the deer population that, in great numbers, can adversely affect vegetation necessary to the survival of other wildlife. This rancher, subsidized by the government for sheep meat and wool, found a loophole in the laws prohibiting the killing of wolves. It seems there is no specific statute that makes…

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More Embarrassing Medical Exams…

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! It seems more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line. Here’s what happened to Kevin: Kevin walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to…

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Politics For Dummies . . .

Our crack staff takes a look at the political climate of the upcoming U.S. Senate and House races voters will decide on later this year. Usually the candidate with the most money wins. But, this voting cycle is shaping up to possibly upset the odds makers, or king makers. While some candidates profess to desire little government with low taxes and are willing to turn a blind eye to the needy, others demand no government with no taxes and are happy to watch the needy perish. Funny, thinning the herd seems to be more Darwinian than Biblical. It’s just politics….

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Emergency Wine . . .

In July, our staff takes a look at the positive effects of red wine on human health and longevity. If test results prove to be true, a new type of business is cropping up all over the country, especially in neighborhoods catering to senior citizens. The convenience of wine delivery along with reducing golf cart accidents adds to its popularity.   Related posts: Beating The Walmart Crowd… What’s On Tap . . . by Joel Mann, Staff Wine Tasting Guy The World’s Most Popular White Wine . . . by Joel Mann Butter and Cream . . . by Joel…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

WORD FOR WORD NEWS:  A Kansas man charged with first-degree murder is afraid the tattooed mirror-image letters spelling out the word “murder” across his neck might prejudice a jury, so he is asking for a professional tattoo artist to remove or cover it up. A tattoo artist was able to remove the tattoo and replace it with the words, “I Did It.” REALLY DAFFY NEWS: A woman visiting her mother in Oregon is suing her neighbor, seeking $275,000 for pain, suffering and other damages she says were inflicted when a pet duck ambushed her for no apparent reason. In her…

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Curmudgeon Corner

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: LAWYERS “Lawyers I suppose were children once.” Charles Lamb “The trouble with law is lawyers.” Clarence Darrow “If the laws could speak for themselves, they would complain of the lawyers.” Edward F. Halifax “If half the lawyers would become plumbers, two of man’s biggest problems would be solved.” Felton Daivis, Jr. “Anybody who thinks…

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Getting Old Is Far Better Than The Alternative…

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?” “‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.” An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to…

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Another Big Picture Page

The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at yet another online dating site. Feeling left out, these experienced women are establishing a start-up company to help hook up seniors. Non-discriminating, these gals say the site is open to all creeds, races, ages and sexual orientation. Dating sites already exist for African Americans, Christians, Boomers, serious daters, casual daters, cheaters, farmers, even professionals (whatever that means). However, until now, no one has targeted the long-lived – octogenarians on up – Oldsters.com. If the date ends up with someone spending the night, bed rails can be deployed to prevent accidents requiring…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

A COMPUTER MADE OF MEAT I have a new obsession which    Is old and new and sweet! In fundamental terms it’s my    Computer made of meat! Not pork or beef or venison,    Although they’re much the same; Not burger, chops or leg of lamb,    Although they’re in the game! This meat will solve equations and    Forge tactics for my fate; This meat will track dark matter and    Can teach me how to skate! This meat will make me giggle and    This meat will make me cry; This meat will make me babble and…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Q:  I am curious about ghosts. I believe that some spirits either can’t cross over or, in some cases, take their sweet time doing so. I found a story about a mom that passed and hung around her house to taunt and scare the relatives left behind that moved into her home. There were tales of sightings of feet under an unoccupied door and a voice demanding tea, pounding on walls late at night, and even the relocating of clothing? I can explain away most of the activity as the mom’s entity being ticked off that people couldn’t wait for…

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Why Christmas Might Be Cancelled . . .

While going through our email files, we came across this wonderful Christmas photograph of an ordinary American couple and the happy Christmas Chihuahua. We realize we’re either months late or even more months early, but were so impressed by the obvious love for the holiday shown in these wonderful shots that we just couldn’t resist posting them. Sharing special times with pets is important to many people, especially those who consider their pets members of their family. Notice th baby lamb (or goat) on the lap of the woman who appears as though it just wet her skirt. The man’s…

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Embarrassing Medical Exams…

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s  going to have her baby in the cab.” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs – and I was in the wrong one. 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” replied the patient. 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad…

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UberMatch.com

Our crack staff takes a look at the latest computer software able to match people right down to the bulging eyes. This couple was desperately searching as individuals to find someone compatible. For years, they submitted their profile information and pictures to every available computer match company, only to face disappointment time and time again. Exhausted by myriad searches, each, not knowing one another at the time, submitted their information, as a last ditch effort, to UberMatch.com. Low and behold, it’s love at first sight! Related posts: Teamwork

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

POST OFFICE DELIVERS NEWS:  Rev. Rudolph Daniels Sr., of New Jersey,had withdrawn $5000 to give to his children as a late Christmas present. He says he lost the wallet while walking home in a snowstorm. A postal worker found the wallet with the money and Daniels’ identification, and returned to the post office who contacted the reverend. The worker refused a reward. This proves definitively the postal service is not affiliated with the government. ALL GOD’S CHILDREN NEWS: A Catholic priest in Rhode Island was counseling teenagers when he told one he hoped the child rot in Hell. The priest…

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Curmudgeon Corner

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: LAUGHTER “By nothing do men show their character more than by the things they laugh at.” Johan Wolfgang Von Goethe “If we may believe our logicians, man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter.” Joseph Addison “Man is the only creature endowed with the power of laughter; is he not…

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Another Big Picture Page

The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at UFOs and the claims of sightings by ordinary people living in and near Sedona, AZ.. Pictured left is Bell Rock, a well known landmark in the Village of Oak Creek some seven miles south of Sedona. For decades, Bell Rock has been believed to be some sort of refueling station for visiting  extraterrestrial vessels. Some believe Bell Rock has like a garage underground to repair UFOs. Denny Mandeville, the owner of Canyon Automotive in Sedona, doubts the claims. “We have state of the art equipment here and our training is as…

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Typical Excentric Reader

This month’s typical Excentric Readers is Jacob Bloch, pictured on vacation in La Jolla California. He had hoped for an escape from what was supposed to be winter weather, ending up here with his favorite paper. Though we are not sure the exact location Jacob was vacationing from, we get a sense he was escaping from Northern Arizona. We tried a Facebook search for Jacob, but were unable to locate him. We are just happy Jacob took the time to email us his picture and hope he had a great vacation. How bad could it have been? He did, after…

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