October 18, 2018

Scotch With Water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotchwith two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.’ The bartender says ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’ As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’ The old woman says ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming up’ says the…

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Excentric Look Into The Future…

In September, our staff takes a look at the luck of the Irish. Find a 4-leaf clover and enjoy good luck and prosperity forever. For even better luck, kiss the blarney stone or catch a leprechaun. For the best luck of all, find the pot o’ gold at the end of a rainbow. Just remember, that more often than not, the pot will contain something not quite as valuable as gold. Whatever you do, don’t kiss it. Related posts: Excentric Look into The Future Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

PRIESTLY THEFT NEWS: Police arrested three 22-year-old men after someone reported seeing someone wearing vestments stolen from the St. Joseph Roman Catholic Church in Gardner, Massachusetts. Police say they have a motive, but are not making it public until they finish the investigation, and it was not anti-religious. Some speculate it was to boost fund raising while washing windshields. INTERCEPTED PASS NEWS: Michigan authorities say a man tried to throw a football loaded with drugs and cell phones into the yard of a state prison with the football landing between two fences. It was reported that the ball contained heroin,…

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Curmudgeon Corner

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: REALITY “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” A. Einstein “The people who say you are not facing reality actually mean that you are not facing their idea of reality. Reality is above all else a variable. With a firm enough commitment, you can sometimes create a reality which did not…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Q:  I often read articles about menacing ghosts, puzzling poltergeists, Bigfoot sightings and extraterrestrial abductions. As I read these articles, I discover that many are written by adults who are recalling incidents that took place during their childhood. I often wonder if they are just writing stories for the sake of seeing their tales in print or are allowing their imaginative recollections to infiltrate their sensibilities. Why would people in their twenties or older write about odd happenings from their childhood? A: I really don’t know. Perhaps their memory was repressed due to the fright and horror they experienced. Or…

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Nice Boots!

The Sedona Excentric crack staff members take a look at two-toned boots as a new summer fashion statement throughout the southwest. While traveling in her hot rod through small towns, attending antique car shows, this person takes time out to pose with her car and show off her boots. It seems her boots were a big hit with passerby, as many people, especially men, admiring her boots asked for a photograph. Made of mixed leathers, the boots instep uppers match the belt worn by the roadster owner. Our own staff members tried to get the woman to divulge where she…

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Long Live the Occult . . . By Bishop Special Excentric Necromancer

Where no hope is left, is left no fear – J.Milton Riding the technological bandwagon, life is changing seemingly faster than time itself. Truth be told, the rush to the Internet has created casualties in our daily lives. Harken to the words from The Stone, a philosophical volume of small circulation but enormous power. Indeed as we learn new skills from Tweeting to Texting to preferring the virtual to real action, other proficiencies are going by the wayside: The art of conversation, the art of being present, the art of looking at people, and that’s for openers. Nonetheless, some features…

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More Politics For Dummies . . .

Our crack staff takes a look at global climate change and the denial by some politicians that humans are partly responsible. Actually, it is quite understandable. These same politicians believe the Flinstones were real and sexual orientation can be cured with liniment and a marathon of Scared Straight movies. In this picture, an innocent boy confronts a lizard women (further proof that people lived among dinosaurs). Though politicians have the power to reduce carbon emissions, they would rather convince Lizard Lady to buy more sun screen. Related posts: Politics For Dummies . . . Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality…

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An Excentric Look Into The Future

In August, our staff takes a look at popular television shows involving Amish people, like Breaking Amish and Amish Mafia. Now, under direction of Sir William, a new show is being shot featuring a young group of Amish beachcombers relocated from Pennsylvania to the sands of the New Jersey shore. Amish Gone Bass is sure to be a big hit on some high numbered cable channel. Related posts: An Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future . . .

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

BULLY FOR YOU NEWS: “I’m against bullying, but I’m getting damn tired of it being used as a mantra for everything, and the ills of the world. When all most people just have to grow a pair, and stick up for them damn selves.” So says the Juneor of Porterville, California, where, evidently, even the females are encouraged to sport male genitalia. Sounds like the Juneor needs to grow a brain. EDUMACATIONAL NEWS: A Connecticut college dropout was arrested after admitting to calling in two bomb threats to keep her family from learning she had quit Quinnipiac University. She made…

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Curmudgeon Corner . . .

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: DOCTORS “If your time ain’t come not even a doctor can kill you.” American Proverb “The doctor looked at my cardiogram and made that “hmmmm” noise that doctors are taught in medical school so they won’t come right out and say “UH-oh!” Dave Barry “Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.”…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

A SO SO PIECE So, I’ve a major bone to pick–    So fervently, I’m blue! So let me earnestly explain    So you’ll know what I do! So what I know I know I hear,    So you must hear it too. So let us raise one angry voice    So we can act on cue! So, “so” is what this is about!    So now you glimpse my view! “So” is an on-air pox to purge    So it’s flushed down the loo! “So” starts too many sentences,    “So” is a crutch, a glue, “So” messes up…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Q:  I read an article written by an expert on the paranormal where they explained what a ghost might be. According to this person, A ghostly figure can be: a real person; a haunting (an “imprint” of people; a “recording” of sorts); an apparition of the dead; an apparition of the living; a psychic perception; a trick of memory; a trick of perception; a blur brought on by infra-sound; an image caused by phantoms of the brain. How do you know then if you are experiencing a real visitation from someone from the beyond or a trick or brain phantom?…

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Sheep Rancher vs BLM . . .

The Sedona Excentric crack staff members take a look a hunters in Wyoming claiming the Bureau of Land and Management is responsible for reintroducing grey wolves to the area that threaten their livelihood. While protected from hunting in most circumstances, the wolves are generally accepted as nature’s way of thinning out the deer population that, in great numbers, can adversely affect vegetation necessary to the survival of other wildlife. This rancher, subsidized by the government for sheep meat and wool, found a loophole in the laws prohibiting the killing of wolves. It seems there is no specific statute that makes…

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More Embarrassing Medical Exams…

Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! It seems more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line. Here’s what happened to Kevin: Kevin walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to…

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Politics For Dummies . . .

Our crack staff takes a look at the political climate of the upcoming U.S. Senate and House races voters will decide on later this year. Usually the candidate with the most money wins. But, this voting cycle is shaping up to possibly upset the odds makers, or king makers. While some candidates profess to desire little government with low taxes and are willing to turn a blind eye to the needy, others demand no government with no taxes and are happy to watch the needy perish. Funny, thinning the herd seems to be more Darwinian than Biblical. It’s just politics….

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Emergency Wine . . .

In July, our staff takes a look at the positive effects of red wine on human health and longevity. If test results prove to be true, a new type of business is cropping up all over the country, especially in neighborhoods catering to senior citizens. The convenience of wine delivery along with reducing golf cart accidents adds to its popularity.   Related posts: Beating The Walmart Crowd… What’s On Tap . . . by Joel Mann, Staff Wine Tasting Guy The World’s Most Popular White Wine . . . by Joel Mann Butter and Cream . . . by Joel…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

WORD FOR WORD NEWS:  A Kansas man charged with first-degree murder is afraid the tattooed mirror-image letters spelling out the word “murder” across his neck might prejudice a jury, so he is asking for a professional tattoo artist to remove or cover it up. A tattoo artist was able to remove the tattoo and replace it with the words, “I Did It.” REALLY DAFFY NEWS: A woman visiting her mother in Oregon is suing her neighbor, seeking $275,000 for pain, suffering and other damages she says were inflicted when a pet duck ambushed her for no apparent reason. In her…

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Curmudgeon Corner

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: LAWYERS “Lawyers I suppose were children once.” Charles Lamb “The trouble with law is lawyers.” Clarence Darrow “If the laws could speak for themselves, they would complain of the lawyers.” Edward F. Halifax “If half the lawyers would become plumbers, two of man’s biggest problems would be solved.” Felton Daivis, Jr. “Anybody who thinks…

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Getting Old Is Far Better Than The Alternative…

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office. “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?” “‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.” An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to…

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