January 21, 2018

Feeling Just A Little Squirrely…

The Sedona Excentric investigative team looks into the antics of squirrels. Upon returning from a trip to the Grand Canyon, one staff member relayed a story of he and his nephew sitting on a rock overlooking the canyon when he was approached by a begging squirrel. The pestering rodent stood on its hind legs and tugged at his shirt. He gave the squirrel a small piece of apple. The diminutive animal happily stole off with the booty, consumed the fruit and promptly came back for more. Evidently, visitors to the Grand Canyon have been tossing edible tidbits to the critters…

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How The Internet Really Got Started . . .

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doest thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?” And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

         ELLIPSIS LANE A mother had a daughter that    She named, Ellipsis Lane– An awful lot like Lois, but    Ellipsis was not sane! Instead of chasing Superman,    Ellipsis chased the sun. The girl could never catch it ‘cuz    That meant she would have won! Ellipsis, as you likely know,    Are periods, in line– Exactly three, like, dot, dot, dot–    A punctuation sign That indicates a trailing off,    A silence, never solved, An emptiness in what comes next,    Denouement, unresolved! So, poor Ellipsis lived a life    Of dreams that turned to fluff….

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The Government, Part Whatever, IIIish

Our crack staff takes a look at the influence the seemingly never ending sequester has imposed on public transportation. Known as “trickle down economics,” the federal government withholds funding to the states, who in turn denies revenue to the counties, who no longer gives money to the cities, who then shut down public programs. Forced to improvise, organizations find themselves depending on donations, grants and thee generosity of th private sector. This once-thriving bus company that had previously offered free transportation to the public in Cornville could no longer afford the fuel necessary for combustion and resorted to alternative power….

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Curmudgeon Corner

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: CHRISTMAS “Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.” Stephen Fry “The Christmas spirit is not what you drink.” Jethro Tull “The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.” Randi “Christmas,…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

      DOGGY MEMOIR Since everyone is doing it,    It shouldn’t be a shock. He told me just last Saturday    When we were on our walk. He looked up from his leash and said,    “My memoir’s in the works! Don’t worry, as my owner, you’ll    Get wealthy on the perks!” I looked at him askance and said,    “The fleas have got your brain. Just who would read a memoir by    A dog who’s not known pain?” “My pain is in my doggy eyes,”    He barked.  “I make it up! Americans buy titles, dude!   …

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Up, Up and Crochet

The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at the new phalanx of unassuming super heroes. You never know where they or what their super power is. At first glance one would think that these are just a group of everyday commuters on their way to or from work. But among these subway riders sits a very powerful crime fighter. He is known simply as Knitting Dude. His side kicks are called the Knit Wits. Don’t take his colorful hand-made outfit as a sign of weakness or sensitivity. When he spots trouble, he leaps into action with knitting needles in…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Q:  I was reading an article recently that listed signs that your house may be haunted. They included things like unexplainable noises, doors and drawers opening and closing, lights turning off and on, items disappearing and reappearing, seeing shadowy figures and the such. While many odd happenings in and around a house can be explained or easily dismissed, there are those events that just make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. Do you believe that people or buildings can be haunted? A: People no, structures yes. People don’t get haunted, they get possessed. At least that…

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How Did You Ho, Ho Ho?

The Sedona Excentric investigative team looks into the recent public debate on the race or skin color of the popular Christmas Holiday figure known as Sant Claus, a.k.a. Kris Kringle, St. Nicholas and Father Christmas. Here’s a description attributed to someone who made an offering to Wikipedia, “Santa Claus is generally depicted as a portly, joyous, white-bearded man – sometimes with spectacles – wearing a red coat with white collar and cuffs, white – cuffed red trousers, and black leather belt and boots and carries a bag full of gifts for children. ” Nowhere in there was a mention of…

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Top Morons, in case you missed it

1. AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence. 2. Police in Oakland, CA , spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, ‘Please come out and give yourself up.’ 3. An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein…

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Mid-life For Women, from a female friend

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.   In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around. Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless. Mid-life is when…

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A new breed of young humans has been classified. They are referred to as “homoslackass-erectus” created by natural genetic evolution through constant spineless posturing, spasmatic upper limb gestures and crotch grabbing, which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and the inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait. Related posts: Curmudgeon Corner Teamwork

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A Need for Accuracy

I’m a stickler for accuracy. More so in others than in myself, but that’s beside the point. “Close enough for government work” is a phrase that should be stricken from the books of cliches. During a drive on I-17 to Flagstaff, I noticed some inaccuracies I feel is my duty to bring to someone’s attention. The green signs with white letters and the blue signs with white letters were reasonably accurate, but the yellow ones with black letters need some work. The first sign that caught my attention was one that said, “Watch for Elk Next 30 Miles.” I glanced…

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The Government, Part Whatever, II

Our crack staff takes a look at the results of the delaying of the passing of a Farm Bill. In certain sections of the country, cattle are committing suicide by leaping off mountain edges onto oncoming traffic. Some animal psychologists are attributing the recent bovine headers to a depression brought on from misplaced guilt over transfat. Feeling responsible for the obesity rate in America and the rise of heart attacks and diabetes among young adults, cattle have taken to making themselves inedible by becoming road kill. At first they tried walking into traffic against the lights and not a crosswalks….

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Headlines: The Year is 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States. Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Last remaining Jihadist dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Iran, Syria, Libya and Afghanistan). France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but…

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Patti’s Cranberry Relish…by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

 Patti’s Cranberry Relish Take two full bags of Cranberries    And cover to their top With Apple-Pomegranate Juice    And simmer ’til they pop! Now, measure out a full cup each     Of Pomegranate Beads, Chopped Walnuts and White Sugar and    Blackberries, crushed to seeds. Together with a pinch of Salt,     Dump all that in the pot And reheat to a gentle boil!    Be careful!  This is hot! Then, core and peel two Granny Smiths    And chop to half-inch chunks, Then stir them in and turn it off!    This under-cooks those lunks! Let stand until…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Q:  I read a story about a single dad who lived with a young son in a very old house. One night, his son was confronted by a bald, old, male ghost who waved his fingers on either side of his head and stuck out his tongue. While the boy was shaken, he chalked it up to be tired, as it happened late at night. When the father had a similar experience, he sent his son to visit friends and prayed for the spirit to leave. According to the man, his home soon felt lighter. Can prayer actually convince a…

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New Millenium Santa Sleigh

The Sedona Excentric takes a big picture look at the new millennium Santa sleigh. For eons, the jolly old soul in the big red suit climbed aboard a sled filled with presents for all the good little girls and boys and shouted to a team of nine reindeer. Upon his command to Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen, and of course Rudolph, who was added in 1939 due to increased smog levels by industrial plants. Rumor has it that Rudolph was originally to be called Rollo or Reginald. Can you imagine? Today, Santa Clause clones sit…

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The State of Television Programs

Dear Sister, I am told that over there in poor old Blighty, your television programs are getting worse and worse, approaching a state of utter disaster. Well, I have news for you; here in this truly terrific Colony of Arizona, surely dear King George’s most delightful Overseas Property, television has fallen into the dilapidated hands of obstreperous clowns who seem to be determined to ensure that even the best programs–and there are many good ones–should never actually be enjoyed to the full, which is to say that in these idiots’ opinion, the viewer simply must have extra little tid-bits snuck…

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Inside The News . . . by David Fidelman

BOMB SCARE NEWS: A burrito caused a minor scare at an Oklahoma City police briefing station after a man brought the foil-wrapped object in for analysis. After the bomb squad inspected a thermos with protruding foil some idiot bought to the police station, it was cleared and declared a burrito. Many locals still considered rit dangerous, relating experiences they have had after consuming one of those burritos. FOR WHOM THE BILL TOLLS NEWS: A Virginia man recently received a summons to appear in court to face charges of unpaid toll charges and failure to secure an EZPass. According to the…

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