October 23, 2018

Mid-life For Women, from a female friend

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.   In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around. Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless. Mid-life is when…

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A new breed of young humans has been classified. They are referred to as “homoslackass-erectus” created by natural genetic evolution through constant spineless posturing, spasmatic upper limb gestures and crotch grabbing, which new research has shown to cause shorter legs and the inability to ambulate other than in an awkward shuffling gait. Related posts: Curmudgeon Corner Teamwork

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A Need for Accuracy

I’m a stickler for accuracy. More so in others than in myself, but that’s beside the point. “Close enough for government work” is a phrase that should be stricken from the books of cliches. During a drive on I-17 to Flagstaff, I noticed some inaccuracies I feel is my duty to bring to someone’s attention. The green signs with white letters and the blue signs with white letters were reasonably accurate, but the yellow ones with black letters need some work. The first sign that caught my attention was one that said, “Watch for Elk Next 30 Miles.” I glanced…

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The Government, Part Whatever, II

Our crack staff takes a look at the results of the delaying of the passing of a Farm Bill. In certain sections of the country, cattle are committing suicide by leaping off mountain edges onto oncoming traffic. Some animal psychologists are attributing the recent bovine headers to a depression brought on from misplaced guilt over transfat. Feeling responsible for the obesity rate in America and the rise of heart attacks and diabetes among young adults, cattle have taken to making themselves inedible by becoming road kill. At first they tried walking into traffic against the lights and not a crosswalks….

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Headlines: The Year is 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States. Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Last remaining Jihadist dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Iran, Syria, Libya and Afghanistan). France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but…

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Patti’s Cranberry Relish…by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

 Patti’s Cranberry Relish Take two full bags of Cranberries    And cover to their top With Apple-Pomegranate Juice    And simmer ’til they pop! Now, measure out a full cup each     Of Pomegranate Beads, Chopped Walnuts and White Sugar and    Blackberries, crushed to seeds. Together with a pinch of Salt,     Dump all that in the pot And reheat to a gentle boil!    Be careful!  This is hot! Then, core and peel two Granny Smiths    And chop to half-inch chunks, Then stir them in and turn it off!    This under-cooks those lunks! Let stand until…

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KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL

Q:  I read a story about a single dad who lived with a young son in a very old house. One night, his son was confronted by a bald, old, male ghost who waved his fingers on either side of his head and stuck out his tongue. While the boy was shaken, he chalked it up to be tired, as it happened late at night. When the father had a similar experience, he sent his son to visit friends and prayed for the spirit to leave. According to the man, his home soon felt lighter. Can prayer actually convince a…

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New Millenium Santa Sleigh

The Sedona Excentric takes a big picture look at the new millennium Santa sleigh. For eons, the jolly old soul in the big red suit climbed aboard a sled filled with presents for all the good little girls and boys and shouted to a team of nine reindeer. Upon his command to Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen, and of course Rudolph, who was added in 1939 due to increased smog levels by industrial plants. Rumor has it that Rudolph was originally to be called Rollo or Reginald. Can you imagine? Today, Santa Clause clones sit…

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The State of Television Programs

Dear Sister, I am told that over there in poor old Blighty, your television programs are getting worse and worse, approaching a state of utter disaster. Well, I have news for you; here in this truly terrific Colony of Arizona, surely dear King George’s most delightful Overseas Property, television has fallen into the dilapidated hands of obstreperous clowns who seem to be determined to ensure that even the best programs–and there are many good ones–should never actually be enjoyed to the full, which is to say that in these idiots’ opinion, the viewer simply must have extra little tid-bits snuck…

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Inside The News . . . by David Fidelman

BOMB SCARE NEWS: A burrito caused a minor scare at an Oklahoma City police briefing station after a man brought the foil-wrapped object in for analysis. After the bomb squad inspected a thermos with protruding foil some idiot bought to the police station, it was cleared and declared a burrito. Many locals still considered rit dangerous, relating experiences they have had after consuming one of those burritos. FOR WHOM THE BILL TOLLS NEWS: A Virginia man recently received a summons to appear in court to face charges of unpaid toll charges and failure to secure an EZPass. According to the…

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Curmudgeon Corner

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: OPINIONS “Ten gods cannot change the opinion of one fool, especially if another fool agrees with him.” Abraham Miller “There is nothing in the world so easy as giving an opinion; consequently, in general, there are few things so utterly valueless.” Charles William Day “At any given moment, public opinion is a chaos of…

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Directions from the U.S. Government

Our crack staff takes a look at the results of the Government Sequester. Claiming to save large sums of money spent of projects that would provide jobs and income to the nation, elected officials have managed to put the most industrialized country in the world on hold. It’s not only kept people from finding employment repairing our dilapidated road system, including bridges near collapse and archaic railways and landing strips, but it’s kept the people who would be at these new jobs from spending money at other businesses, improving their living situations. Now, due to budget cuts, those who have…

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An Excentirc Look Into The Future

In January 2014, our crack Excentric staff members delve into the secret lives of retired cartoon characters. Once known throughout the world as a putty-tat-taunting little bird, the tweeting and twitting have now left this bird as he roosts at his retirement cage with barely enough strength to occasionally ring his food bell. Such is the plight of many aging cartoon characters – sadly left to silently wither away, alone, without fanfare and for some without visitors. As we each look to our futures, let us hope we will have familiar characters and loved ones at our sides, lest we…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

BISHOP TAKES CASTLE NEWS: Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst of Limburg in western Germany has stirred anger and calls for his resignation. It seems the clergyman built a $42 million palace to reside in, complete with a $20,000 bathroom. If ousted by the Catholic Church, Tebartz-van Elst revealed his future plans to relocate and run for Congress in the United States. It seems he has met the preliminary required qualifications. TASTY AMPHIBIAN NEWS: Natural History Museum and University College, London, researchers expressed excitement over a dig where a new discovery suggests prehistoric Britons may have had a taste for toad. Many…

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Climate Change? What Climate Change?

The Sedona Excentric Special Task Force investigates the myth that global climate change is related to human behavior. It may be a fact accepted by left-wing group, National Aeronautics and Space Administration and by 90% of scientists and climatologists in independent scientific surveys, but doesn’t make it so. Years ago, people thought the Earth was flat and the Sun revolved around the Earth. they were eventually proven wrong. Some people believe that if we survive the next 1,000 years,we will be able to prove that cow and termite flatulence caused the Antarctic ice to melt and the seas to rise…

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Divorce … Cornville Style

Sedona Excentric World staff members take a look at Divorce… Cornville Style. This is what the owner of the red Corvette came home to after a weekend of “fishing with the buddies.” As he entered the house, he found a note on the dining table from his wife. In it, she apologized for accidentally hitting the gas peddle instead of the brake on their high-riding 4X4 pickup upon returning from the post office. After crashing through the garage door, the truck proceeded to continue in a forward direction, climbing over the new Corvette before settling with the pickup’s rear wheels…

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Movie Quotes . . .

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: QUOTES FROM MOVIES “How am I not myself?” I Heart Huckabees “My life is as good as an Abba song. It’s as good as Dancing Queen.” Muriel’s Wedding “I’ll sleep with you for a meatball.” Victor/Victoria “Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster by your side, kid.”  Star Wars…

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Carpet Mill, by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

Long, long before all videos    Went viral, to a flaw, There was an old time “movie short”    That everybody saw. It showed a huge contraption in    A carpet making mill, And, up above, a catwalk where    A worker took a spill And fell into the workings where    It gobbled up his hide And wove him into throw rugs where    He peered out, stupefied! I thought it was a lesson in    How not to live a life– A sort of cautionary tale    To save us pain and strife. In other words, the movie…

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Kozmik Korner by Lush Gumball

Q:  I read another story about teenage girls and a Ouija board. This one revealed the spirit behind the pointer spoke in complete paragraphs and confessed to a murder suicide. It also tricked the girls into believing it was someone else and gaining their support for that rival character. Have you had anyone write with a positive story regarding the use of a Ouija board? It seems all I read about are horror stories. Why is that? A: I don’t control what you read. Perhaps you could hunt down positive stories and start a website: HappyOuijaStories.com.   Q: Okay. Every…

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Teamwork

The Sedona Excentric investigative team looks into the behavioral habits of animals and how they work in tandem to accomplish a common goal. At left, a couple of kittens appear to be trying to get into a baseball park to watch a game being played at home. Perhaps they dropped their tickets in their litter box and couldn’t find them after covering them. Or, maybe they just couldn’t afford the game, what with the rising cost of tickets, hotdogs, popcorn and beer. Even if just one of them gains entry, a play by play report can be given much like…

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