November 20, 2017

INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

BISHOP TAKES CASTLE NEWS: Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst of Limburg in western Germany has stirred anger and calls for his resignation. It seems the clergyman built a $42 million palace to reside in, complete with a $20,000 bathroom. If ousted by the Catholic Church, Tebartz-van Elst revealed his future plans to relocate and run for Congress in the United States. It seems he has met the preliminary required qualifications. TASTY AMPHIBIAN NEWS: Natural History Museum and University College, London, researchers expressed excitement over a dig where a new discovery suggests prehistoric Britons may have had a taste for toad. Many…

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Climate Change? What Climate Change?

The Sedona Excentric Special Task Force investigates the myth that global climate change is related to human behavior. It may be a fact accepted by left-wing group, National Aeronautics and Space Administration and by 90% of scientists and climatologists in independent scientific surveys, but doesn’t make it so. Years ago, people thought the Earth was flat and the Sun revolved around the Earth. they were eventually proven wrong. Some people believe that if we survive the next 1,000 years,we will be able to prove that cow and termite flatulence caused the Antarctic ice to melt and the seas to rise…

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Divorce … Cornville Style

Sedona Excentric World staff members take a look at Divorce… Cornville Style. This is what the owner of the red Corvette came home to after a weekend of “fishing with the buddies.” As he entered the house, he found a note on the dining table from his wife. In it, she apologized for accidentally hitting the gas peddle instead of the brake on their high-riding 4X4 pickup upon returning from the post office. After crashing through the garage door, the truck proceeded to continue in a forward direction, climbing over the new Corvette before settling with the pickup’s rear wheels…

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Movie Quotes . . .

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: QUOTES FROM MOVIES “How am I not myself?” I Heart Huckabees “My life is as good as an Abba song. It’s as good as Dancing Queen.” Muriel’s Wedding “I’ll sleep with you for a meatball.” Victor/Victoria “Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster by your side, kid.”  Star Wars…

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Carpet Mill, by Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

Long, long before all videos    Went viral, to a flaw, There was an old time “movie short”    That everybody saw. It showed a huge contraption in    A carpet making mill, And, up above, a catwalk where    A worker took a spill And fell into the workings where    It gobbled up his hide And wove him into throw rugs where    He peered out, stupefied! I thought it was a lesson in    How not to live a life– A sort of cautionary tale    To save us pain and strife. In other words, the movie…

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Kozmik Korner by Lush Gumball

Q:  I read another story about teenage girls and a Ouija board. This one revealed the spirit behind the pointer spoke in complete paragraphs and confessed to a murder suicide. It also tricked the girls into believing it was someone else and gaining their support for that rival character. Have you had anyone write with a positive story regarding the use of a Ouija board? It seems all I read about are horror stories. Why is that? A: I don’t control what you read. Perhaps you could hunt down positive stories and start a website: HappyOuijaStories.com.   Q: Okay. Every…

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Teamwork

The Sedona Excentric investigative team looks into the behavioral habits of animals and how they work in tandem to accomplish a common goal. At left, a couple of kittens appear to be trying to get into a baseball park to watch a game being played at home. Perhaps they dropped their tickets in their litter box and couldn’t find them after covering them. Or, maybe they just couldn’t afford the game, what with the rising cost of tickets, hotdogs, popcorn and beer. Even if just one of them gains entry, a play by play report can be given much like…

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Hair Removal For Beginners, from a friend of a facebook friend

My night began as any normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: ‘Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.’ So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those ‘cold wax’ kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull…

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Sedona Vortex Experiences

You go back in time to when Sedona was first discovered, but still forget to invest in real estate. You win the lottery and donate it all to a self-appointed guru claiming to be the second, or third, coming. You now belch fairy dust. You see UFOs flashing subliminal messages for Hummers. Your front lawn is now covered with grass crop circles. You now have the ability to communicate with rocks. Your inner child is acting up a lot more and needs a time-out. You developed a desire to eat low carb, “naturally,” foraging the woods for edible plants, lean…

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Curmudgeon Corner

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: GOVERNMENT “The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.” Winston Churchill “No man is good enough to govern another man without the other’s consent.” Abraham Lincoln “I hope we shall crush in its birth the aristocracy of our monied corporations which dare already to challenge our government to a…

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Our Government . . . Out Of Service

Still reeling from the utter state of confusion in Washington, our staff decided to conduct an in depth study on the possible cause of Congress voting from crisis to crisis. If the American public is expected to work side by side in factories and schools, on the streets and on the battlefield without the distraction of religious, ideological and sexual differences, why then can’t the same demands be placed on elected officials. While our leaders seem quite willing to send our troops to foreign countries and spend our treasure to convert countries’ political structures from dictatorships and totalitarianism and despotism,…

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Strange Vortex Experiences

Below is a list of actual experiences from people who live outside Sedona after visiting a vortex for the first time. Be advised that any of these and other bizarre happenings await the inexperienced vortex visitor: Visit a vortex and start seeing red wherever you go. Visit a vortex and sparks fly from your expulsion of gas. Visit a vortex and you are compelled to start the “wave” from your church pew. Visit a vortex and mow your lawn in crop circles. Visit a vortex and start communicating with red rocks. Visit a vortex and put your “inner child” up…

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Warning: Hot Coffee May be Hot, Avoid Crotch

In December, our crack Excentric members take a look at the signs businesses have been forced to post due to the ignorance of their customers and frivolous lawsuits. The woman who sued McDonald’s for spilled hot coffee comes to mind, or the man who set his RV on cruise control and left the wheel to get a beverage and sued the manufacturer for not having a sing posted that the driver shouldn’t leave the cockpit while the vehicle was in motion. In this case, if the balcony was on the ground level, it would be a patio. What is wrong…

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Garnering the Sedona Vote

Candidates will promise almost anything to get elected. Below are some of the political favors offered to gain the confidence of Sedona’s voters: Sponsor weekly Oak Creek Brewery Nut Brown Ale keg parties at Airport Vortex with free parking Turn Fort Hyatt over to Indians and convert it to a casino Outlaw the construction of future timeshares unless they pay a bed tax plus impact fee Declare Cornville a Canadian province and allow the importation of pharmaceuticals for seniors Make Harmonic Convergence a national annual holiday Change Tlaquepaque’s name to A Sort Of Mexican Village Specialty Shops Hold a dedication…

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Crossbreeding for Fun and Profit

Sedona Excentric World staff members take a look at yet another look at television shows being filmed in the Sedona area. This couple sent in their photograph to win acceptance in Rimrock Arizona’s version of “Trading Spouses.” Shown here are Louigie, the Chihuahua and Birdie, the young Orange Tabby. Louigie’s mate, Crystie, and Birdie’s Rocky, are off having their own photo shoot. After reading an article in the paper, shown in photo, asking for contestants to submit a photograph and biography on each applicant. While the previous “Trading Spouses, Meet Your New Mommy” television shows, broadcast on FOX, focused on…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

SPELLING BE NEWS: A Minnesota high school has issued yearbooks with the name of the school misspelled on the cover. What should have read Moorhead, is Moorehead. The errant “e” is said to have come from the same person who taught former Vice President Dan Quayle how to spell potato(e). It’s a good thing politicians don’t want to spend money on education. After all, a mine is a terrible thing to waste. BRING ON THE NOISE NEWS: Years ago, Germany’s Chancellor Merkel’s husband filed a complaint on an open-air theater group performing opposite the couple’s apartment in Berlin for violating…

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Curmudgeon Corner

            cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: STUPIDITY “A stupid man’s report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.” Bertrand Russell “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” Albert Einstein…

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The Big Picture Page

                The Sedona Excentric Special Task Force investigates the power of laughter. Many studies have proven that laughter is indeed the best medicine, but the staff of the Sedona Excentric went the extra mile and studied the effects on other species in the animal kingdom. Touring the coast of northern California our crew took a handful of Excentric papers and visited the seal kingdom. Attitudes displayed among the seals seemed to range from lethargic to bored. Basking in the sun one sunny morning, they were entertained with readings from the papers. Like many…

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Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality

  CARPET MILL Long, long before all videos    Went viral, to a flaw, There was an old time “movie short”    That everybody saw. It showed a huge contraption in    A carpet making mill, And, up above, a catwalk where    A worker took a spill And fell into the workings where    It gobbled up his hide And wove him into throw rugs where    He peered out, stupefied! I thought it was a lesson in    How not to live a life– A sort of cautionary tale    To save us pain and strife. In other…

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Sedona Proposed Improvements

Fountains will be redesigned to spew sewer treatment water. Dry Creek Road will be renamed Sometimes Flooded Way. Capital Butte will become Bureaucrat Butt. Stutz Bearcat will soon be known as Kia Sedona. Steamboat Rock will begin to offer sunset dinner cruises. Bell Rock will be turned into a domed ice hockey stadium. Sugar Loaf will be downsized and reduced to Low Carb Butte. Courthouse Butte will be partitioned to the new City Hall. Snoopy Rock will be picked up for not wearing dog tags. The Two Nuns Formation will be questioned and released. Slide Rock will require “Slippery When…

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