July 21, 2018

F’ing Chutes and Ladders…by Will Durst

Here’s the deal: You don’t start out by calling someone an “f’ing moron.” That’s a final exclamatory heave after exhausting all other slanders. Fool. Jerk. Pinhead. Nitwit. Idiot. Nincompoop. Moron. Until finally… f’ing moron. It doesn’t quite scale the heights of “total f’ing moron” or “banana faced monkey dribbler,” but it’s close. So Rex Tillerson must have been at the end of his rope when he flung that particular phrase of scorn and contempt at Donald Trump. Sounds like a spontaneous human explosion stemming from a well of frustration so deep it echoes. The sort of expletive one blurts out…

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The Ping-Pong Effect…by Will Durst

Donald J Trump has many tools at his disposal. Both Houses of Congress. The support of rural America. Friends in high places. His family. A supermodel. Twitter. Fox News. The Russian Federation. A signature scent. And… Executive Orders. Along with executive determinations, memorandums, proclamations, suggestions, aspersions, insinuations, innuendos and doodles. An Executive Order is a Presidential shortcut to impose regulations or reinforce policy with the extra- added attraction of bypassing the tortuous labyrinths of Congress. And face it, any day without talking to Mitch McConnell is a victory. EOs can be historic, as in the Emancipation Proclamation; pure patronage, such…

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COVEY OF CAUCUSES…by Will Durst

During the Trump Care Meltdown, when the same Republicans that chanted “Repeal & Replace” for 7 years, folded like a broken down lawn chair in a category 5 hurricane, we learned about a couple mysterious Republican Congressional Caucuses instrumental in torpedoing the AHCA. These two groups come from such opposite sides of the political spectrum they undoubtedly have dartboards with each other’s pictures tacked to the middle. The Freedom Caucus is made up of members that formerly self- identified as Tea Partiers but changed their name to interact with civilized people. Of course we’re referring to those unsung heroes of…

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Big Isis Incarnate Contest

Pictured right is a sarcophagus from ancient Egypt. Many such artifacts have been touring the world in an exhibit of pharaohs from the pyramids. Archeologists continue to uncover treasures from the buried past of the Old Kingdom in Upper Egypt and along the Nile Delta, where Isis was known to have hung out. Isis, a goddess held in the highest esteem, has a history shrouded in mystery about marriage, death and the birth of a son that may she may or may not have bore, but raised to avoid a scandal. Hers is the life upon which shows like Desperate…

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Skewered and Plattered by Will Durst

Shattered. Splattered. Scattered. Battered. Tattered. Skewered and Plattered. Barely mattered. That was the Democrats after November’s election. But surely in the months since, they’d come together to stand aligned in the face of the flaky imperiousness of our so- called President. You’d think. And ripe bananas make a fine masonry grout. The Democrats have lost their direction so completely they need a compass to wipe their butts. Incontestably, incontrovertibly and incredibly… useless. We are not speaking of a trifling of uselessness here. “Totally and utterly and unconditionally useless”- barely scratches the surface. The exact extent of the uselessosity exhibited by…

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The First 100 Days . . . by Will Durst

As extraordinary as it sounds, Donald J. Trump is now the 45th President of the United States. Which is mind- boggling. Like making John Goodman the cover model for this year’s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. Kim Kardashian- appointed chief scientist at the Atomic Energy Lab. Colin Kaepernick in charge of WikiLeaks. The liberals’ last best hopes were dashed on Inauguration Day when the Mango Mussolini put his hand on the Bible and didn’t burst into flames. The preacher said the rain that started to fall as DJT took the oath was a good omen in the Bible. Yeah, tell that…

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The Bright Sides of a Donald J. Trump presidency

Well. That happened. Donald J. Trump didn’t just perplex the pundits, pollsters and his own progeny with a stunning electoral pummeling of Hillary Clinton, he pelted them with showbiz shock and awe. It was a wake- up call that surely rolled Beethoven, who was deaf, and is now dead. The new shot heard round the world. Planet- wide, liberals are slashing wrists and bashing brains and gnashing teeth and curled in a fetal position begging for their blue banky. The city of San Francisco is working through the five stages of grief but it’s going to take a while, because…

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Crash & Burn . . . Repeat

We might as well be watching a 30- car pile- up the way Americans are holding hands over their eyes trying to avoid the grisly bits of the most grotesque presidential race we have witnessed in this, the second decade of the 21st Century. Of course, it’s only the 2nd election during that time, but still. That is not to say 2012 wasn’t genuinely gruesome with more than its share of cataclysmic collisions and demolition derby debacles but this time they’re headed downhill faster than an 18- wheeler with burned out brakes carrying a load of nitroglycerine on the western…

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We, Who Are About To Be Beaten With The Ugly Stick, Salute You…by Will Durst

Oh dear. Not pretty. Yes. Already. The upcoming presidential campaign is ugly now and destined to ratchet up to epic uglier as soon as Bernie Sanders decides to bow out. Which is imminent. Not soon enough for Hillary Clinton, but not long. The Vermont Senator has turned into that drunken cousin who hasn’t noticed he’s been the last guest for over an hour, cracking open another beer threatening to put his cigarette out in the kids’ wading pool. Starting to channel Hotel California. “You can check in any time you like, but you can never leave.” How ugly will the…

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MAN FOR ALL REASONS…by Will Durst

As evidenced by his hair, Donald J. Trump is pretty much wrong all the time. Every time. About everything. Except when he isn’t. One example is, should he become president, Mexico indeed will build a wall. To control our immigration. “Get me the hell out of here. Por favor?” Hell, Canada might have to build one as well. “Hey, let me in dere, ya hoser. S’il vous plait, eh?” Donnie John is also right about America becoming more religious under his reign, because upon his election, people are going to start praying, “like you wouldn’t believe.” All over the world….

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VORTEX SUMMONS PUBLISHER

Pictured is a long-time contributor to this publication, Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality. In this picture, Doug is the “Happy Gardener.” Doug wrote, “I am the happy gardener, I sweat and grunt and bleed; My eyes are crossed, My mind is lost, In joyful Zen I weed.” Doug, along with James Bishop, Jr., William F. Jordan, Brendon Marks, Joseph Evrard, Joel Mann, Denny Mandeville and numerous others are the reason the Sedona Excentric lined the streets of the Verde Valley for more than 25 years. E-books of Frankly Fanny, Astrology for the Weak and Kozmik Korner to be released…

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CELEBRITIES RUN FOR OFFICE?

Pictured is César Chávez – the real César Chávez, shown here in the late 1960s at the United Farm Workers (UFW) gathering, deciding whether or not to buy grapes. According to Wikipedia, he struggled through hunger strikes, imprisonment, abject poverty for himself and his large family, racist and corrupt judges, exposure to dangerous pesticides, and even assassination plots. Chávez remained true to the cause and to the non-violent methods he espoused. Upon death, more than 40,00 people marched behind his plain pine casket at his funeral procession.   by Blodwyn Smythe, Name Game Reporter SEDONA: A horde of reporters, onlookers…

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HOUSEWIVES PRODUCER HERE!

Pictured are the Real Housewives of New York City. Pictured left to right are six beautiful women who regularly attend all the right parties, visit the most popular night spots and remain atop the pedestal where they were placed by their husbands. While these women may not represent your typical housewife in the city or country where the shows are shot, they have inspired at least a handful of people to overdress for lunch. The ratings of these reality shows are so high that they seem to be cropping up everywhere, and women are actually getting paid to be ostentatious,…

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CLIMATE CHANGE HITS HERE?

Pictured is what was once a large body of fresh water. Some ranchers, who used to graze their cattle at this oasis, owned and maintained by the United States Bureau of Land Management, have filed a complaint claiming that they now will be forced to pay to graze on private lands at ten times the price. It’s bad enough that the government subsidizes ranchers  at a loss to taxpayers each year and have for nearly fifty years, but now, due to cutbacks, they have been forced to resort to employing rain dancers from nearby tribes (that used to own the land…

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GAY SEDONA OLYMPIC GAMES?

Pictured is an Olympian of games past. While normally a head is required to compete in such grueling sporting trials, it is clear from the picture that it is not necessary. This athlete shows her prowess and power while performing some kind of jump during her gymnastic event. Since the Gay Sedona Olympic Games will be held outdoors, such exploits will not be observed. While this photo may encourage some people to ask where her head is, recent activities by the state of Arizona legislature, has a great many people, not only in Arizona, but around the country asking where the…

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LOCAL VOWS TO END STUPID!

Pictured is a man defending his right to the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. While no one denied his right – it was in published after all – the television station who suspended him was denied their right to freely hire and fire. Besides the “bestiality” reference; he said about blacks in the Jim Crow lynching party era, “Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues.” Makes one wonder why there isn’t a reality show called “Cotton Pickin’ Dynasty” starring a rich, singing, happy, black family from Jim Crow’s…

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