September 21, 2019

  • That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks

    I recently opened my e-mail and saw three messages. The subjects were: ” IT’S WORTH A TRY”, “LET’S KEEP OUR FINGERS CROSSED” and “TRY IT!!” All of them were preceded by “FWD:FWD:FWD:FWD:FWD:” which means they were all forwarded at least five times. The list of names on the front of these messages is always five times longer than the message and they never wear out because there is a constant supply of new people joining the ranks of the interconnected. Each new friend or relative who obtains a computer and starts e-mailing means that we go around again with the…

  • That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks

    If an automotive engineer had designed the human body, I think we’d have some pretty handy features. For example, I hate it when I’m sunbathing and sweat runs down the sides of my face and fills up my ears. Then I have to turn on one side and then the other to dump it out. Wouldn’t it be great if our ears were adjustable like the side mirrors on a truck? We could turn them around so they served as awnings instead of funnels. Or if we didn’t want to listen to something we could fold them down flat–even tuck…

  • That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks

    This newspaper has much wider circulation than I ever expected. The same day my article about Mother Nature was published I received a message on my phone answering machine. I was home, the phone did not ring, and all of a sudden the little message number changed from zero to one. I listened to the message. It was a husky woman’s voice saying, “So you think you’re so smart, well we’ll just see about that.” My caller-id box read “Out of area.” Basking in the glow of modern technology, I dialed star-six-nine, but only got a recording: “Mother Nature does…

  • That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks

    Anyone who has ever attempted to wrest a cucumber from the clutches of Mother Nature knows the magnitude of the task. Of course the location of the garden in question makes a significant difference. In Arizona, the job is truly monumental. In the first place, the soil is so alkaline that you can use it to make soap, so adding lime is virtually unheard of. Instead you have to add sulfur to push the pH level down to neutral, and you can forget about growing anything that needs acid soil. If you do get anything to grow, there are more…

  • That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks

    I was reminded the other day of an incident that happened years ago when I was a young lad, not even out of high school, working on a dairy farm. As we finished the milking one warm spring evening we realized that one of the cows was probably going to drop her calf during the night. Usually these events require no assistance on our part, but we decided that maybe we could make things a little more comfortable for her by taking her out of the stanchion and putting her outside in the barnyard where she could move around. The…

FEATURED SEDONA EDITION

The Curse of 2611 West Highway 89A

Jun 20, 2017

View of Thunder Mountain from 2611 W. Highway 89A The Word Around Town Asking about Thai Spices restaurant moving from its previous location to 2611 West Highway 89A causes many people to just shake their head. “I don’t know what it is about that location,” you hear time and again, “but no restaurant ever seems to make it there.” Then the litany of restaurants that have occupied the single story building with views of Thunder Mountain begins: the old Osho Cafe, Savannah’s, Wild Orchid and, most recently, a French restaurant that only lasted about three weeks. Various reasons are then…

Strange & Cool Sedona Stuff

Jun 20, 2017

Painting My World: Gambel Quails and Swirling Skies Fri, 21 Jun 2013 We were pleasantly surprised by the Gambel Quail family that showed up while we had our morning coffee. First daddy quail came into view to check it out. We had out down some seed. Then he called for mommy and over she scooted with about 15 babies in tow … Gazing from the Vortex – Braco Live Stream Parties in Sedona Wed, 19 Jun 2013 Our first live stream party was when they were live streaming from Zagreb for Braco’s birthday from 8pm to 8am Sedona time. At…

Frosty No More

Jun 20, 2017

The Excentric World Special Task Force takes at look at the effects of climate change. While many politicians deny that climate change even exists, and others find no correlation between the deterioration of the protective ozone layer and pollutant emissions from the tools of humans, scientists have declared a potential state of emergency. A look at major cities around the world should be evidence enough that we are choking ourselves to death, never mind the dramatic rise in cases of basal cell skin carcinomas. Combustible automobile and truck engines, gas powered mowers and blowers contribute greatly to harmful particulates floating in…

Cross of the Sun

Jun 20, 2017

Although wine is my expertise, I’m an aficionado of all types of tasty beverages. And one item that I enjoy in particular is good quality tequila. While out wine tasting one recent afternoon, I managed to be in the right place at the right time and was able to taste some tequila that I can simply describe with one word: outstanding! Not only was it a taste treat, but it turned out to be a locally owned label, and is my feature for this month, Cruz del Sol Tequila. While the full name of the brand may be Cruz del Sol,…

PRESIDENT RASKOLNIKOV

May 20, 2017

The firing of FBI Director James Comey by the President of the United States slammed Washington with the suddenness of a two- story bowling ball hitting the South Portico after being dropped from a blimp. And the repercussions have shot across the Capitol like a flurry of Kansas tornadoes, causing the entire Beltway to chant, “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.” A variety of reasons were given for the hasty dismissal. The FBI is in turmoil. Comey lost the confidence of the FBI rank and file. He did a lousy job. Way too tall. Has weird…

Father Knows Best?

May 20, 2017

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: FATHERING “There is too much fathering going on just now and there is no doubt about it, fathers are depressing.” –Gertrude Stein “The fundamental defect of fathers, in our competitive society, is that they want their children to be a credit to them.” –Bertrand Russell “Rich men’s sons are seldom rich men’s fathers.” –Herbert…

Meteor Strike in Russia

May 20, 2017

Q:  I, like many others, watched the video recordings of the recent meteor strike in Russia in amazement. It brought back memories of the story of the 1908 fire caused by an explosion in the Siberian forest. There was no crater ever found and the cause of the explosion, 1,000 times the power of the Hiroshima bomb, was never discovered. It is possible solar flares are reaching the earth and being covered up by government officials? A: There is a nut in Russia claiming the recent meteorite hit was the result of a conspiracy. He’s as crazy as politicians who…

Strange Rusty Powder Found on Cars

May 20, 2017

Q: I heard about a strange rusty powder that appeared on cars in the Chicago area recently. Angelo Mavaraganes, who runs a car repair shop, said he has seen it on at least 30 cars. Cars at the police parking lot at Belmont and Western have the rusty powder all over them, too. NBC 5’s Mary Ann Ahern said a lot of people in Chicago want to know what the stuff is that has fallen all over their cars. What do you think caused these occurrences? A: I believe someone from the Windy City bought some of our vortex energy…

Restaurant Ghost

May 20, 2017

Q:  I recently read an article about a restaurant that was haunted. There were reports of odd voices, doors opening and closing on their own, and a bathroom faucet that turns itself on. While in her office one day, the manager heard a loud thump from the kitchen. She investigated and found a large box of plastic wrap on the floor far from where it was placed. Could a former employee be causing these anomalies? A: Could be. It could also be the ghost of a person who ate there and got food poisoning and is looking for a little…

A Paranormals Is Here

May 20, 2017

Q:  I recently read an article about a woman who is demanding a new home for her and her family because she is convinced their house is haunted by the ghost of a man named Nigel. The housing association tenant claims a spiritual presence flicks lights on and off, tampers with appliances, moves posters around the walls and causes the floorboards to creak at the property. Any clue as to how she knows the name of the ghost? A: My guess is the woman lives in England. In America, ghosts are usually named Jim or Steve. Q: A friend told…

Tag, You’re It

May 20, 2017

Excentric World staff members take a look at the increasing lack of connection today’s children are having with playing outdoor games.  Years past, when a child was learning to play hide and go seek, they understood they should be somewhere they might not be easily discovered. Nowadays that concept is futile, as the child can be reached by cell phone and can be easily tagged and made “it.” Longing for the good old days. Related posts: No related posts.

Senior Fashion Faux Pas

May 20, 2017

It’s bad enough that young people today have their thighs mixed up with their waists. But c’mon, you older folks, there are things you should’ve learned by now. Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided: A nose ring and bifocals Spiked hair and bald spots A pierced tongue and dentures Miniskirts and support hose Ankle bracelets and corn pads Speedos and cellulite A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge Bikinis…

Guns, Guns and More Guns?

May 20, 2017

The Sedona Excentric investigative team takes a look at the rising crime rate in metropolitan America. While the suburbs seem to be getting safer, violent crimes are still a concern. This group of individuals were suspected of trying to buy guns at a gun show without identification. It turned out that the men were actually working undercover for a television station to expose the ease at which non-traceable guns are being acquired by the general public. Fortunately for the young men, their accompanying mascot, Rudy, was wearing a collar with a tag that could be tracked to the local Human…

Dwindling Number of Weddings

May 20, 2017

Sedona Excentric World looks at the dwindling number of scheduled June weddings. With the current state of the economy, couples are choosing to postpone their nuptials until their financial futures are looking brighter. As if the economy were not reason enough to defer matrimonial bliss, mothers are continuing to interfere in their sons’ futures. Reverend Joel Boyd, who is poised to perform his 1,000th wedding ceremony for Affordable Sedona Weddings, ran across this invitation for this coming fall. While Reverend Boyd states that most of his weddings come off without a hitch and few mothers are anything but enthusiastically supportive…

Typical Momma’s Boy?

May 20, 2017

A mother passing by her son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.  Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Mom.” With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands. Dear Mom, It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would…

CIA Recruiting Remote Viewers

May 20, 2017

Q: Methods of gathering intelligence include using satellites, intercepting communications and recruiting agents. Now, secret documents have emerged revealing that the British Ministry of Defense ran a covert project to recruit psychics. The term remote viewing was coined in the 1970s by researchers at Stanford University. Their work attracted the attention of US intelligence officials. Any evidence of CIA recruiting remote viewers? A: It’s possible. Everyone knows about the CIA secret camp in Cornville, AZ. Perhaps that’s where Sedona psychics go to retire. Q: Many mystics believe that the entry to the legendary Hyperborea, Shambala and Plutonia is carefully concealed…

Papers, Please

May 20, 2017

In June, Excentric World staff members take a look at the future and the way some politicians plan on boosting the economy. The animal kingdom has long been freeloading off of the leftovers of the many hard working Americans. In the wings is a program that will require the government capture these offenders, enlistment of them into the workforce and then taxing the crap out of them. Animals will be banded for identification, proving they are from the US and not migratory. Related posts: Rising Cost of Fuel Spurs Alternative Modes of Transportation A Fearless Breed of Trained Animals More…

Mammary Madness

May 20, 2017

Sigh! People . . . I am so disappointed in you. After thoroughly discussing the topic of appropriate attire in a previous article, I optimistically hoped that the denizens of Sedona would end up sporting a more tasteful approach to summer fashion. However, after a recent stint gad-abouting around town, I now find that I must summon my inner lecturing nun and rehash this topic with more verbal force and, unfortunately, to make my point, more graphic descriptions than may besuitable for a family column. What, you might ask, has me clutching at my chest barely able to contain my…

Reigning Cats and Dogs

May 20, 2017

Where would we be without our pets? Not only do we consider them members of the family, but in some cases, we actually dress them as if they were human. You know who you are. It starts simple enough at Christmas parties when you put those silly fake antlers on top of the dog’s head–no matter the size of dog– and pretend the poor pooch is one of Santa’s reindeer. Over the years, the dog becomes Mr. or Mrs. Claus for the family photo. Then, before anyone has noticed, the dog appears in public in outfits ranging from cowboys to…

Democracy

May 20, 2017

cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: DEMOCRACY “Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.” –Winston Churchill “Democracy is two wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch. Liberty is a well-armed lamb contesting the vote.” –Benjamin Franklin “Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after…

That Really Bunches My Panties

That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks

I recently opened my e-mail and saw three messages. The subjects were: ” IT’S WORTH A TRY”, “LET’S KEEP OUR FINGERS CROSSED” and “TRY IT!!” All of them were preceded by “FWD:FWD:FWD:FWD:FWD:” which means they were all forwarded at least five times. The list of names on the front of these messages is always five times longer than the message and they never wear out because there is a constant supply of new people joining the ranks of the interconnected. Each new friend or relative who obtains a computer and starts e-mailing means that we go around again with the…

That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks

If an automotive engineer had designed the human body, I think we’d have some pretty handy features. For example, I hate it when I’m sunbathing and sweat runs down the sides of my face and fills up my ears. Then I have to turn on one side and then the other to dump it out. Wouldn’t it be great if our ears were adjustable like the side mirrors on a truck? We could turn them around so they served as awnings instead of funnels. Or if we didn’t want to listen to something we could fold them down flat–even tuck…

That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks

This newspaper has much wider circulation than I ever expected. The same day my article about Mother Nature was published I received a message on my phone answering machine. I was home, the phone did not ring, and all of a sudden the little message number changed from zero to one. I listened to the message. It was a husky woman’s voice saying, “So you think you’re so smart, well we’ll just see about that.” My caller-id box read “Out of area.” Basking in the glow of modern technology, I dialed star-six-nine, but only got a recording: “Mother Nature does…

That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks

Anyone who has ever attempted to wrest a cucumber from the clutches of Mother Nature knows the magnitude of the task. Of course the location of the garden in question makes a significant difference. In Arizona, the job is truly monumental. In the first place, the soil is so alkaline that you can use it to make soap, so adding lime is virtually unheard of. Instead you have to add sulfur to push the pH level down to neutral, and you can forget about growing anything that needs acid soil. If you do get anything to grow, there are more…

That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks

I was reminded the other day of an incident that happened years ago when I was a young lad, not even out of high school, working on a dairy farm. As we finished the milking one warm spring evening we realized that one of the cows was probably going to drop her calf during the night. Usually these events require no assistance on our part, but we decided that maybe we could make things a little more comfortable for her by taking her out of the stanchion and putting her outside in the barnyard where she could move around. The…

That Really Bunches My Panties . . . by Brendon Marks

Now don’t shoot the messenger, but I read somewhere that the average woman speaks 30,000 words a day. It was not clear how that compares to the average man, or even whether this is excessive. Considering the fact that there are 86,400 seconds in a day, and most women sleep at least four hours; calculations show approximately one word every two seconds. I believe those are old figures, I don’t know when they were gathered, but they must pre-date the cell phone by at least ten years. If this is true, I think something should be done about it. Maybe…

That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks

Anybody with an active imagination can think of at least a dozen inventions they’d like to own. Once you get past the number one item on any guy’s list (x-ray glasses), some have real merit. For example, who wouldn’t want a cell phone jammer? It could be a small battery-operated device that jams any cell phone within visual range. I know the technology exists for larger devices that are illegal in most states, but I’m talking about a portable unit. You carry it in your pocket, and when that guy at the next table in the restaurant starts yammering away,…

That Really Bunches My Panties…by Brendon Marks

As a writer I have had it up to here with political correctness, but one problem in particular is trying to decide what to use in place of ‘he’ when there is an equal possibility of meaning ‘he’ or ‘she’. I acknowledge use of ‘he’ where a reference could just as easily be referring to a ‘she’ does seem unfair. Ignoring the fact that whoever said life was fair, was wrong, let’s explore alternatives. In most cases, using ‘he or she’ is acceptable, but is clumsy and using three words where one should suffice is wasteful. It might be better…