February 25, 2024

INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman


GOING POSTAL NEWS: Police say a man and a woman were going through mailboxes around the town of Sammamish, WA. Townspeople saw the thieve’s vehicle filled with mail and blocked the road. The couple ran. The woman was caught immediately, them stealing a kayak to make his escape in a pond. A neighbor grabbed his own kayak and paddled after the thief, who was up the pond without a paddle and rowing with his hands.


MONKEY BUSINESS NEWS: An injured monkey had fallen between the tracks, after touching high-tension wires at the train station in the north Indian city of Kanpur. His companion primate came to the rescue and was captured on camera lifting the motionless body, shaking him, dipping him into a mud puddle and biting his head and skin — until the hurt monkey regained consciousness. The monkey opened its eyes and began moving again. EMTs from around the globe are considering these new CPR procedures.


UNMERRY CHRISTMAS NEWS: A New Jersey man was found asleep behind the wheel of a van with its engine running, lights on and music blaring and clad in a red shirt, red pants and white ruffled collar. Police said the party elf seemed confused about where he was and had an open can of beer in the car. Rumor is he was one the the Elves laid off by Santa as reported in the Sedona Excentric last month.


PASS THE VINEGAR NEWS: A Wisconsin man told a sheriff’s deputy he had not been drinking, but rather eating beer-battered fish when he was pulled over for what could be his 10th drunken driving offense. The man was stopped for a broken tail light and erratic driving by a deputy who then smelled alcohol on his breath and saw that his eyes were blood shot, according to an incident report. He was arrested after he failed a field sobriety test and a breath test showed he had been drinking.

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