September 21, 2018

Inside The News . . . by David Fidelman

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THAT’S A CROC NEWS: Crocodiles, it has been discovered, climb to keep a lookout on their territory and to warm themselves in the sun. They also use sticks and twigs to simulate a nest on their snouts to catch birds. This new discovery will force scientists to renew the way way they make conclusions from extinct files. Some say it may be possible extinct even-toed ungulates actually took to the skies. in layman terms that translates into pigs flying.

STUCK UP NEWS: An Oregon man placed an emergency call to 911 to demand immediate assistance. It seems his wife’s jacket zipper was stuck and neither of them could get her out. Though was she in no danger, he screamed at the operator for help. A team from the nearby fire department was dispatched. Firefighters were able to free the woman from her menacing coat. For the record, the only zipper emergency that warrants a visit from rescue personnel, is at a park, when a man’s zipper is stuck in the down position.

DON’T BUG ME NEWS: Doctors in Taiwan who were treating a woman’s severe ear ache discovered that the pain was caused by fruit-fly larva living in her ear canal. According to the doctor who removed the larvae, “Most cases of animals in the ear canal are the flying objects and cockroaches. The fruit fly larva in ear canal is relatively unusual.” The woman healed completely in weeks and she is now without pain. The discovery encouraged doctors in America to consider alternative causes for other pains. However, politicians were found to be responsible for most pains in the ass.

MORE DON’T BUG ME NEWS: A restaurant owner in Alabama fired at a customer who complained about a cockroach she claimed came from her egg roll. After arguing about the bug incident, the restaurant owner refunded the woman’s money. While she was leaving, some more were exchanged and the owner came out with a pistol and shot at the woman. Protesters are now picketing the restaurant with signs, “If the food doesn’t kill you the owner might.”

 

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