June 20, 2018

Inside The News . . . by David Fidelman

BOMB SCARE NEWS: A burrito caused a minor scare at an Oklahoma City police briefing station after a man brought the foil-wrapped object in for analysis. After the bomb squad inspected a thermos with protruding foil some idiot bought to the police station, it was cleared and declared a burrito. Many locals still considered rit dangerous, relating experiences they have had after consuming one of those burritos. FOR WHOM THE BILL TOLLS NEWS: A Virginia man recently received a summons to appear in court to face charges of unpaid toll charges and failure to secure an EZPass. According to the…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

BISHOP TAKES CASTLE NEWS: Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst of Limburg in western Germany has stirred anger and calls for his resignation. It seems the clergyman built a $42 million palace to reside in, complete with a $20,000 bathroom. If ousted by the Catholic Church, Tebartz-van Elst revealed his future plans to relocate and run for Congress in the United States. It seems he has met the preliminary required qualifications. TASTY AMPHIBIAN NEWS: Natural History Museum and University College, London, researchers expressed excitement over a dig where a new discovery suggests prehistoric Britons may have had a taste for toad. Many…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

SPELLING BE NEWS: A Minnesota high school has issued yearbooks with the name of the school misspelled on the cover. What should have read Moorhead, is Moorehead. The errant “e” is said to have come from the same person who taught former Vice President Dan Quayle how to spell potato(e). It’s a good thing politicians don’t want to spend money on education. After all, a mine is a terrible thing to waste. BRING ON THE NOISE NEWS: Years ago, Germany’s Chancellor Merkel’s husband filed a complaint on an open-air theater group performing opposite the couple’s apartment in Berlin for violating…

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INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman

DOGGIE OVERBOARD NEWS: A couple found their yacht sinking after it hit a reef while on a voyage from East London to Madagascar. The man, a longtime volunteer with the National Sea Rescue Institute first swam his dog ashore safely before returning for his wife, whose safety line had snagged on the steering gear. The couple and their dog all made it out free of injury. Perhaps dogs really are man’s best friend after all. WHERE’S THE BEEF NEWS: The world’s first laboratory-grown beef burger, grown in-vitro from cattle stem cells in a five-year science experiment at a cost of…

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