September 21, 2018

Heavy Petting Fine

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PET POSING NEWS: A Florida man posted photos on Facebook showing himself hugging a baby manatee and was arrested on charges of harassing the endangered sea cow, wildlife officials said. A tipster saw the photos, alerting Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, which arrested a man on a misdemeanor charge punishable by up to six months in jail and a $500 fine. Dogs and cats everywhere, feeling a little endangered, are turning on their owners for heavy petting and the possible reward money.

FOWL INVASION NEWS: Blackbirds and starlings have turned day to night in Hopkinsville, Kentucky. Simply put, their disease carrying poop has scarred the trees, land, cars, buildings and even pets. Due to climate change, the normally migratory birds have not headed south for warmer weather. This fecal phenomena would normally happen south of the border, forcing Senator Mitch McConnell to rethink his stance on climate change, although the rumor is he is planning on blaming everything on Ashley Judd.

NAY, WINNIE NEWS: Ikea is the latest retailer reported to be caught in the European horse meat scandal. Besides modern furniture, Ikea sells meatballs and other foods in its European retail stores. Horse meat has now been detected in products ranging from frozen lasagna to burger meat and in a meat pasta sauce. With the Sequester looming in the U.S., expecting to drastically reduce the number of meat inspectors, horses everyone are dieting to look less appealing. Americans think it’s time for Congress to pony up.

FOUL BALLS NEWS: Taiwan versus Cuba–that was supposed to be the challenge leading up to the World Baseball Classic. But, before the game started, the Cuban team brought their balls. Different than their balls, the Taiwanese players refused to take the field. While Cuba showed them a number of their balls, Taiwan rejected each one. With First Round, Pool D games to be played in Phoenix in early March, many are left wondering whose balls they’ll play with.

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