INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman
GIVING THANKS NEWS: Police say a Pennsylvania woman chased her boyfriend around a dining room and stabbed him in the chest because he started eating Thanksgiving dinner while she slept off a bender. The boyfriend say she had too much to drink and fell asleep, so he helped himself to dinner while she slept. She stabbed him and threw the knife at him, cutting his face. This year, he was thankful his wounds were not life threatening. SHELL GAME NEWS: State crews in Indiana have put up “Turtle Crossing” signs along a busy road running beside a wildlife area in…
Curmudgeon Corner . . .
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: HOLIDAYS “Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.” Erma Bombeck “On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf’s lot to remain merry in the face of torment and…
The Puttonyo . . . by Joel Mann, Staff Wine (And Beer) Tasting Guy
Many people tend to shun dessert wines as they’re usually intensely sweet and often forbiddingly expensive. A well made dessert wine is truly an otherworldly experience though. Yes, they’re exceptionally sweet, but surprisingly never cloying. A good dessert wine has an equally concentrated acidity that offsets the sugariness, making it light and refreshing. And the strong aromas and flavors of many dessert wines are just heavenly to any hardcore foodie. Plus, the cold winter months are often the best time to splurge a little on the higher price and enjoy such a treat. This month, I wanted to delve a…
Thrill Seeking Big Picture
The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at thrill seekers and the risks they are willing to take to get that rush. This spirited diver took to the seas to encounter great white sharks up close and personal. Some adrenaline junkies take to tall buildings and leap to the streets below with small parachutes. Others dive off cliffs with wing-like suits and soar like birds in the drafts. There are bungee jumpers, sky divers, and more. While it would appear most extreme excursions involve the sky, the man pictured here is among the few that delve into the deep…
No News from Doodlebug Island . . . by William F. Jordan
Dr. Harold Waters, recently retired from the University of Doodlebug History Department, had been a popular professor whose lectures on Egyptian and Middle East history were well attended, and whose books on that region had been selected as textbooks by a goodly number of other colleges. Now, retirement was about the last thing I would have predicted would suit the good doctor; his was a restless nature, more used to field trips to ancient places of interest, and seminars dealing with historical topics. It was my hunch that the idea of staying home largely unoccupied would appeal to him on…
Typical Excentric Reader
This month’s typical Excentric Reader is Tom Buroojy, our favorite Typical Excentric Reader. Tom sent is this picture a while back while he was preparing for street parade of some sort. he couldn’t recall is it was Labor Day or Independence Day. It most certainly wasn’t Thanksgiving Day, although he did watch that parade on television. Tom showed up before the rest of the crowd and relaxed with his favorite paper, the Sedona Excentric. We want to thank Tom for his continued support through the years. Related posts: Typical Excentric Reader . . . Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader…
ASTROLOGY FOR THE WEAK
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You might not even notice, but you’ll have a profound influence on how and what a lot of people think. Nobody will ever consider wearing plaid and stripes together. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Don’t be surprised if people line up outside your door for a chance to bend your ear for an hour or two. It’s better than those guys who come by to bend your arms. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) The month of December could be packed with surprises, probably romantic ones. Keep that sense of humor and enjoy…
Dear Frankly: Whenever I’m in a situation where I talk with girls I get all hot, sweaty and embarrassed. I can’t even look them in the eye. I feel like I don’t have control of the situation. I go to the washroom a lot just to look in the mirror to make sure I look all right. I generally have this problem around all strangers (also when public speaking) but never as bad as when I’m trying to talk with girls. Around my friends, I am a totally different. Is there something wrong with me? Disturbed Dennis Dear Distressed: My…
Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality
FORGIVENESS I found myself once scoffing at The efforts of a fool Whose awkward failures made me feel Superior and cool. But, as I grew much older I Could see another view: That those more competent than I Saw me without a clue! And, yet, we each were only what We were, and nothing more; We’re stuck with that and even though We’d really like to soar Above the cruel reality Of our quite finite selves, No matter if we’re giants or Just Lilliputian elves, We’re set down in an axiom– Forgiveness at its core: We each just do the…
KOZMIK KORNER BY LUSH GUMBALL
Q: I read a story about a guy who observed alien aircraft in the skies multiple times. On the third occasion he experienced a feeling of being paralyzed while in bed. He was awake, but could only move his eyes. Then he felt something being placed on his stomach area. Is it possible he had some kind of alien implant placed into his navel? Maybe it was like a tracking device similar to the ones used in The Matrix. Have you heard of this before? A: Usually, when people start making cinema references, I lean toward their story being influenced…
Big Christams Picture
The Sedona Excentric takes a big picture look at what happens to people who get those hand knitted Christmas vests and sweaters. While Great Aunts and Grandmothers may think they are adorable, these people are marred psychologically for the remainder of their lives. Take this nice young man, for instance. He was the victim of receiving knitted and crocheted vests and sweaters for years. His parents would parade him around on display at holiday gatherings in front of relatives and neighbors. Everyone made such a fuss over him, he thought he was quite the attraction. Now, all grown up, though…
AUNT EDNA’S BEST RUM COOKIES EVER!
The Excentric continues its tradition of publishing Aunt Edna’s Best Rum Cookies Ever! She originally submitted this recipe in 1991. For years it has been written in near its original form. Here’s what you’ll need: 1 or 2 quarts Rum 1 stick butter 1 cup sugar 2 large eggs ¼ cup brown sugar 1 cup dried fruit ¼ cup chopped nuts 1 tsp baking powder 1 tsp baking soda 1 tsp lemon juice Before you start, sample the Rum to check for quality. Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring spoons and cup, mixer and un-greased baking sheet,…
Holiday of Guilt . . . by Will Durst, Excentric Contributor
The autumn dark is lengthening, which harkens the English- speaking, Judeo- Christian Holiday Season is about to split open wider than a crocodile mouth at the bottom of a baby duckling water slide. It begins with Columbus Day. No mail and the banks are closed. Much is to be said for starting slow. Then the downward hurtle is set off by Halloween, when people toss about candy, free, incognito. Fast forward to the favorite holiday of liberals all over California. The eagerly awaited, down- home, secular celebration, known for bringing families together every November. The one day a year dedicated…
Good News And Bad News – Telling The Dissimilarity. . . By Bishop, Unusual Excentric Seer
All that is human must retrograde if it does not advance… Edward Gibbon Rumor has it that a Reinast toothbrush sells for $4200 versus a $2 dollar brush at any Walgreens. Which, gentle reader, points out the runaway conspicuous consumption disease sweeping across our land, faster even that glaciers are melting in the Yukon. Weep not that due to the disappearance of first rate reportage, good news has essentially vanished from once legendary press and TV outlets, replaced with pretty visitors from somewhere far away where witlessness is celebrated and mediocrity quipped, Beerbohm can always be trusted to be at…
So You Think You Know Christmas . . . by Joseph G. Evrard
Those of us who’ve been around for a few Christmases think we’ve seen a thing or two and think we know a lot about this most popular of celebrations. Well, if you’re like me, you’ll be surprised to learn some things about Christmas that I’ve turned up in my “great world-wide Christmas fact search.” Santa doesn’t use reindeer all over the world. That’s right. The “Right Jolly Old Elf” uses different forms of transportation depending where he is. In our part of the world, as well as in most of Europe, the reindeer get their workout. In China, he travels…
That Really Bunches My Panties . . . by Brendon Marks
Have you ever noticed there are certain types of people you just naturally don’t trust? Very near the top of my list is the group who doesn’t drink coffee. To begin with, what do you call these people? You can’t call them “non-coffee drinkers,” because that only suggests that they drink something that’s not coffee, not that they don’t drink coffee. You can’t call them “coffee non-drinkers,” because that implies that they are non-drinkers, and they are coffees, like “teen-age non-drinkers,” which only exist in your imagination, or if you have grandchildren. This is typical of the English language. We…
Automotive Breakdown . . . by Denny Mandeville,
The other day, a few acquaintances and friends of a certain hair color (or, technically, lack of color, and, sometimes lack of hair as well) were playing one-up-man-ship in past car stories. You know the game; do-you-remember, and how close to the truth can you play without being caught in an outright fib. I won, when I topped them with the in-car record player. Yeah – there actually was such a device. Just as CD’s replaced cassettes, and cassettes had replaced 8-Track, the granddaddy of them all was the in-car record player. Check it out- Chrysler had it as an…
Watch Your Step . . .
Even while more than 90% of environmental scientists agree that, with proper regulation and increased use of renewable energy, the current negative impact may be reversed with time, there are politicians that would rather let Americans breathe, eat and drink unsafe air, food and water than force those responsible to clean up their mess. Somebody, eventually has to put their foot down and take the higher moral ground. If not, future generations may find themselves chewing air, growing their own food and bathing in bottled water. Wait, the current generation is already growing their own food and bathing in bottled…
An Excentric Look Into The Future
In January, our staff takes a look at carnivals and fares cropping up around the country. Following on the heels of last month’s revealing Excentric headline, involving Six Flags, January exposes the dangers fast rides pose to the public. In an exclusive expose, roller coasters and Ferris wheels prove to be the most dangerous, especially when they powered by local boneheads. Related posts: An Excentric Look Into The Future Emergency Wine . . . Excentric Look into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future
SANTA CLAUS LAYS OFF ELVES
Pictured is a dejected Santa Claus, after having to issue pink slips to many of his trusty Elves. Some diminutive workers have assembled toys and sleds and tiny rocking chairs for years. But, with the international economy struggling for the average wage earner, who hasn’t had a pay increase in decades, collection plates are thin and the number of toys for good little girls and boys has been reduced, resulting in the elf factory cutbacks. Though things are better than they were just some eight years ago, Corporate owners, stockholders and CEOs are watching their bonuses rise in the face…
