May 26, 2018

No Means No…by Will Durst

An avalanche of revelations concerning public figures engaging in various sexual assaults has tumbled down upon our heads and the airwaves are consumed with accusations, recriminations, equivocations and ethical gyrations, not to mention the threat of career annihilations. And it couldn’t happen to a more deserving aggregation of guys. Since early October, after numerous women came forward to accuse Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein of sexually abusive behavior, huge numbers of high-profile males have faced similar charges and either been fired, allowed to resign, lost committee leadership positions, had projects canceled, entered rehab, become incapable of speech or were favorite to…

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Scientific Team Creates Synthetic Sperm…by Blodwyn Smythe

For years, a small team of women scientists have been secretly working on the invention of synthetic sperm that could be inseminated into a woman’s fallopian tubes. As the ovulation process occurs, the spermites (as they are currently tagged by its creators) would then swim upstream on a quest to fertilize an egg. Women have argued for decades that the primary reasons for the existence of men was to mow the lawn, open jars with stubborn lids and provide sperm for procreation. Now that riding mowers are more affordable and an electric jar lid remover has hit the market, the…

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Local Guy Gets National Holiday

Pictured left is a photo of a credit card machine much like those used at most retail stores, grocery stores, warehouse stores, pharmacies and now by individuals with smart pones and tablets. The customer simply swipes their card, signs their name and awaits approval of their new purchase. Even if the cashier asks to see your card, they are usually looking to see that the name signed on the back of the card matches the name embossed on the front of the card. There is nobody checking to see that the person signing is the actual card owner. How could…

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Pterodactyl Spotted Near Here?

Pictured above is a photo of a pterodactyl spotted over the waters near Sedona. A new project at the Sedona Waste Water Reclamation Plant aka Sedona Wetlands Preserve is now the Sedona Sewer Lakes. The lakes will attract larger species of birds, never before lighting in or around Sedona. No one could foresee that pterodactyls would also find the newly created lakes appealing. There is something about the ripeness following a busy holiday Sedona flush. Evidence that Sedonans knew that their effluent was going to be offensive is the plant’s location–well outside of town. by Blodwyn Smythe, Large Bird Reporter…

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We, Who Are About To Be Beaten With The Ugly Stick, Salute You…by Will Durst

Oh dear. Not pretty. Yes. Already. The upcoming presidential campaign is ugly now and destined to ratchet up to epic uglier as soon as Bernie Sanders decides to bow out. Which is imminent. Not soon enough for Hillary Clinton, but not long. The Vermont Senator has turned into that drunken cousin who hasn’t noticed he’s been the last guest for over an hour, cracking open another beer threatening to put his cigarette out in the kids’ wading pool. Starting to channel Hotel California. “You can check in any time you like, but you can never leave.” How ugly will the…

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Plump Grumps Humping To Dump Trump

A single Stop Donald Trump movement first developed into a trickle but now the number of GOP groups intent on preventing the New York real estate developer from becoming their presidential nominee is about to exceed broken March Madness brackets. Thanks, Michigan State. There’s the Never Trump Movement, the Anybody But Trump Group, Death Before Trump, Plump Grumps Humping to Dump Trump, the I’d Rather Chew Leeches Crew, People for Responsible Hair and a group opposed to anybody with UMP in their name. Rumor has it a group of Hollywood conservatives tried to recruit Tom Hanks to team with Sally…

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Thin Wins . . . by Will Durst

The great state of Iowa has a history of cultivating its topsoil for a harvest of winners the rest of the country may enjoy. Glenn Miller. Buffalo Bill Cody. George Reeves. Herbert Hoover. James Tiberius Kirk. As a side note, this may be the first time in history the word “enjoy” has been linked to Herbert Hoover. The recent raucous caucus process is a perfect example of the Hawkeye State’s peculiar propensity for propagating the propitious. It is the Special Olympics of politics. “Thanks for playing our game. Here’s a bunch of trophies. We think everybody’s a winner.” After the…

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Water We Waiting For? Water Conservation NOW! . . . by Nicholas Martell

As I walk into the Hilton hotel for the 107th Arizona Town Hall Meeting, I find myself in unfamiliar territory. What the hell am I doing in a Hilton hotel in the first place? This is me, a scruffy, 29 year old graduate student who refuses to cut (or regularly comb) his thick, John Fogerty-esque mane. None of my favorite shirts come anywhere near a button, and I prefer my shoes to be of the slip-on nature. When did I become an adult? As I approach the registration table all I can feel is the nagging anxiety of wondering if…

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Smite Might . . . by Will Durst

Bullies love fear. And once they sniff its smoke, the real pros know how to fuel and exploit it. Always claiming to represent the greater good, when what they specialize in is looking out for #1. And flinging loads of #2 at the rest of us. Consequently, the people most susceptible to their reviled reveille are the weak, the ignorant, the powerless, other bullies and folks with neck tattoos. Hitler, Stalin and Joe McCarthy all secured status in the Big Time Bully Hall of Fame by railing against imaginary enemies. Creating an “us versus them” story line where anybody who…

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NEW LAWS AND RULES FOR 2015?

Pictured is the poster child for No Comb-over billboards to be placed around the country. People should not be exposed to these sights, resulting in a plethora of flash mob gatherings singing songs from the love rock musical “Hair” and, in some extreme cases, people shaving their heads and eyebrows. Even though someone with this hairstyle may actually run for the highest office in the land, one of the new laws would prohibit them along with facial tattoos, excessive eyelid piercings, collagen lip inflations, or earlobe hole stretching, unless, of course, it’s a tribal custom, in which case – never…

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SIR WILLIAM HEIR TO THRONE?

Pictured are dem bones, dem bones of King Richard III, the 15th century monarch immortalized in one Shakespeare’s greatest plays. King Richard III reigned from 1483 to 1485. He died in battle in the Battle of Bosworth Field, the final battle in the War of Roses. According the the Bard of Avon, William Shalespeare, Richard was born a deformed hunchback (in actuality, he had scoliosis) and he’s got no love life to speak of. The DNA results proving his identity, also confirmed that he may have been blond-haired and blue-eyed. If that were the case, he would be the first…

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SANTA CLAUS LAYS OFF ELVES

Pictured is a dejected Santa Claus, after having to issue pink slips to many of his trusty Elves. Some diminutive workers have assembled toys and sleds and tiny rocking chairs for years. But, with the international economy struggling for the average wage earner, who hasn’t had a pay increase in decades, collection plates are thin and the number of toys for good little girls and boys has been reduced, resulting in the elf factory cutbacks. Though things are better than they were just some eight years ago, Corporate owners, stockholders and CEOs are watching their bonuses rise in the face…

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SIX FLAGS IS TO BUILD HERE?

Pictured is Six Flags Mexico Park, located south of Mexico City. It boasts one of the largest and fastest roller coasters of Mexico. One of them, Boomerang, was the first in the world with an outdoor round trip, Batman the Ride is the only inverted roller coaster in Mexico and Superman, the last escape is the highest and fastest in all of Latin America. While the Sedona version of the famous Six Flags theme parks may not be as colorful or extravagant as some of the other park locales, anything involving anyone, especially children, who want more than to hike…

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SEDONA MOVES TO CANADA?

Pictured is the location the Canadian guy who now resides in Sedona is considering for the new City Hall that will house political and staff offices. While at first it may seem far removed, some residents agree that you can be right next door and still be far removed from issues of interest. At least at this new location, there would be no concern about dark skies, for the council and staff, that is. And having to conduct business within the confines of the walls of City Hall would mean council and staff would need to take up residence at…

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NUDISTS’ CONVENTION HERE

Pictured is one of the locations being consider by leaders of a group of people representing vacationing nudists from around the world. Each year they seek out a new beautiful location to do a little sun worshiping and fill in their tan lines. They do their best to avoid places where ogling spectators gather, whistling and cat calling and generally harassing the peaceful, unfettered clean air lovers. At times, unsuspecting hikers or campers stumble across a person or group sunbathing without the constriction of clothing. For some nudists, it is a medical issue, as they have allergies to GMO cotton seeds….

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STATE OF THE ONION ADDRESS

  Pictured is a mug shot of James Traficant, the former Ohio congressman booked at the Summit County, Ohio jail in July 2002. You were most likely expecting someone famous, like Justin Beiber. We, at the Excentric, don’t go for that kind of sensationalism – using a celebrity’s misguided adventure for our gain. So, instead, we picked a mug shot of just one among a slew of disgraced politicians. It was also agreed upon that the picture be of someone who possesses a limited ability to retaliate. Coming in a close second was Rush Limbaugh, who, like others was arrested on…

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