December 17, 2018

Spring Planting

FINALLY! Winter has ended and spring is here. Time to plant the garden! Gardeners the world over look forward to planting time and the promise of a long bountiful growing season followed by a lush harvest of nature’s gifts. What could be more satisfying, more in tune with nature? I spent the entire weekend planting my garden. My hands are chapped and dried out. My fingernails are so encrusted with rich fertile soil I don’t think they’ll ever be clean again. BUT the garden is in and nature is beginning to work its annual miracle. This year, in addition to…

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Real Guy Quiz Time

Have you ever looked in a “girl” magazine? They’re full of these stupid quizzes like, “Does your man really love you?” Or, “How can I tell if I’m REALLY in love?” Here, at last, is a quiz that makes sense for GUYS! 1. What does your wife/girlfriend do when you remind her that it’s goose season? (A) Launder your camouflage (B) Run to her mother’s house (C) Clean your shotgun (D) A and C 2. When your truck breaks down in the woods, do you: (A) Scream to the heavens, “Lord, why me?” (B) Start walking (C) Look in the…

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NEWS QUIZ? . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

Do you watch the news on TV? Good.I have a fun quiz for you. Let’s tune in now… ‘Good evening and thanks for joining us here at Channel One Eyewitness News. I’m Rodney Bighair. In tonight’s top story, President Obama calls upon embattled Mideast leaders to: Blow each other off the map. Kiss and make up. Go jump off a cliff. De-escalate the violence and begin peace negotiations. “In Congressional news, a report released by the House Majority leader reveals that: Most members of Congress think they should unlimited terms. Recently passed campaign finance reform legislation will make a big…

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QUESTIONS? . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

Where do worms go in the winter? Do they migrate? Have you ever seen a worm out on the highway hitching a ride south? What happens when the ground freezes? Do the worms freeze? Maybe they have little underground dens with fireplaces where they burn grass (logs would be too heavy) to keep warm while they munch on mud pies. Maybe they even have little television sets so they can watch the Super Bowl. I’ll bet they pay close attention to how badly the playing field gets torn up during the course of the game. When they want a really…

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So, You Know Your Nuts? . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

Well, they’re finally gone! It took three days of round-the-clock work, two front-end loaders and numerous dump truck loads to get rid of the stupid things! What, you might ask, did I get rid of? Nutshells. That’s right – nutshells. You see, around the holidays, my wife gets a bit nutty. She comes home from the store with huge bags of walnuts, Brazil nuts, filberts, pecans, and almonds. She sets up her “nutting” area with the precision of a surgical nurse laying out instruments for a brain transplant – main nutcracker here, secondary nutcrackers there, nut picks over here, the…

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So You Think You Know Christmas . . . by Joseph G. Evrard

Those of us who’ve been around for a few Christmases think we’ve seen a thing or two and think we know a lot about this most popular of celebrations. Well, if you’re like me, you’ll be surprised to learn some things about Christmas that I’ve turned up in my “great world-wide Christmas fact search.” Santa doesn’t use reindeer all over the world. That’s right. The “Right Jolly Old Elf” uses different forms of transportation depending where he is. In our part of the world, as well as in most of Europe, the reindeer get their workout. In China, he travels…

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Weasel Words . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

Television news now follows a strict format that cannot be violated. There a certain number of standard phrases, which MUST be included in every newscast. The subject matter may change slightly from day to day, but the basic format remains the same. See if you don’t agree… Experts say… When was the last time you heard the news anchor report a story and wrap it up with “Experts say this trend is likely to continue.” Or, Experts say the sky will remain blue unless it changes.” Or, Experts say “most people prefer breathing to not breathing.” I’ll bet the last…

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Dueling . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

“I do solemnly swear that I will support the Constitution of the United States and the Constitution of the Commonwealth and be faithful and true to the Commonwealth of Kentucky so long as I continue a citizen thereof, and that I will faithfully execute, to the best of my ability, the office of Election Official according to law; and I do further solemnly swear that since the adoption of the recent Constitution, I, being a citizen of this state, have not fought a duel with deadly weapons within this State nor out of it, nor have I sent or accepted…

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Mustard . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

Do you have any idea how many types of mustard are out there? If you thought there were a lot of different brands of hot sauce, you ain’t seen nothin’ until you’ve investigated mustard. There’s good old fashioned yellow mustard (the kind you put on your hot dog at the ball game), coarse ground mustard, sweet mustard, vinegar mustard, spicy brown mustard, honey mustard, horseradish mustard, and on, and on, and on. My Daddy (who was a mountain man, through and through) used to make his own mustard. He took great pride in his patch of mustard vines, which needed…

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Let’s Have An Adventure . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

Do you like adventures? Good! So do I. Today’s column is going to be an adventure. I’m going to sit at the keyboard and start typing. I have no idea where we’ll end up! Ready? Here we go. Happy Fourth of July! Yes, I know the Fourth of July is long gone, but I’m writing this on the Fourth of July, so it seems appropriate to at least say something by way of greeting. Did you know that the Fourth of July is a legal holiday? Just in case you’ve never done it before, stop and think just what that…

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FUN WITH SQUIRRELS . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

Well, now that the weather’s nicer, I’ve been doing a bunch of porch settin’ (you remember how to do that, don’t you?). After a while things get real quiet out on the porch and if you’re not properly creative, things can actually get to be boring. Now we all know that boring is am awful place to be so it behooves (neat word, huh?) us to find something to do to keep from getting bored. For me the answer turned out to be cats. I’ve got a bunch of cats living on my porch. Based on demonstrated behavior, there will…

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USELESS BOOKS . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

I was in the library the other day looking for copies of the latest bestsellers when it occurred to me that there might be something to learn from a list of “worst” sellers. Everybody pays so much attention to what books are popular and why they appeal to the great masses. Shouldn’t it be equally fascinating to learn why some books don’t sell? Always one to look on the unexplored side of things, I took my quest to the head librarian who, obligingly enough, showed me to a room down in the bowels of the building. On the door was…

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ROLLING BLACKOUTS . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

I just got back from California (birthplace of the rolling blackout).  I guess by now you’ve heard about those rolling blackouts. As a member of the original team invited to tour the electricity storage caverns (remember my column on Stale Electricity?), I was recently called upon to tour the California Blackout Factory where these things are manufactured. As you might imagine, these blackout things didn’t just happen by themselves and jump onto the scene. There’s a considerable history of development, which provides a fascinating insight into the origins of this phenomenon. I was surprised to learn the folks who perfected…

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Experience

Have you noticed lately that everyone wants you to have an “Experience?” Turn on your TV and you’ll hear car dealers talking about your buying experience or your ownership experience or how nice your maintenance experience will be. The lawn mower guys want me to have the Dixon ZTR experience. We can now have a dining experience, driving experience, a vacation experience, a shopping experience, or if we buy the right organic foods, a Wellness Experience! Whatever happened to good old-fashioned experience – the stuff you had to have to land a job; the stuff you needed to succeed in…

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Proper Pet Care

SHHHH! Buck is asleep. Just before he passed out from eating too much barbecue, I heard him say he had to write a column for the paper. So, as his true best friend, I’m pitching in to help out. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m “Buckshot,” Buck’s cat and our lesson for today is proper pet care. If anybody knows how pets should be cared for, it’s me! You’re probably wondering how a cat can write this. I do everything with Buck.  Everywhere he goes, I go.  Everything he does, I watch. (Don’t’ get the crazy idea that I do…

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Tools . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

Sooner or later any bunch of guys hanging around together will get to talking about tools.Tools are one of the great defining essences of Guy-ness. Just as Gals are defined by cosmetics, clothing, soap operas, and babies, Guys are defined by cars and trucks and sports and TOOLS. I was in the new Ace hardware store the other day and saw a perfect demonstration of this. Up by the cash register was a bevy of gals oohing and aahing over a new baby some woman had brought in to show off. At the same time, back in the rental department…

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More Yummies . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

From time to time here at Guy Stuff Central, we like to pause to examine the state of world gastronomy. Cooking is not only a necessary and vital thing; it is also a source of recreation and pleasure for untold millions of people around the world. Food hobbyists are legendary in their quest for the new, the unique and the spectacular menu item. Cooking clubs abound and the Internet is full of cooking and recipe chatter. Keeping up with the world of cooking and food is an overwhelming task, but fear not.  Your good friend Buck is here to bring…

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Festival Fever . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian

Climb aboard Boys and Girls, we’re off on another adventure to discover some of the more offbeat and wacky festivals people have dreamed up to celebrate local talents, promote indigenous products and rake in those ever-popular tourist dollars. As we travel across our great land we’ll catch a glimpse of the impossible, see a healthy dose of the improbable and maybe even encounter the unthinkable. Let’s go. Our first stop is high in the Colorado Rockies in the small town of Gasp. The town was so named because that’s all the original settlers could do. By the time they had…

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