Typical Excentric Reader
This month’s typical Excentric Readers is Tom Buroojy currently from New Jersey, formerly from Sedona. Here is a photo from my trip to Norway. Edvard Munch was so impressed with the Sedona Excentric that he painted “The Scream” to illustrate his “approval” of this infamous paper. One can easily imagine that Edvard Munch captured the look on most people’s faces when they first figured out the Sedona Excentric was satire. The Excentric is one of the best examples of life imitating art. Often, our staff members observe first-time Excentric readers in the exact pose of the subject in the famous…
INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman
BETTING NEWS: New Jersey’s grid-iron guessing camel died just weeks before the state is set to host its first Super Bowl. Princess was a fixture at the Popcorn Park Zoo for 10 years and gained fame for picking winners. Princess correctly’ picked the Baltimore Ravens last year. In the 2008 season, she picked 17 of 22 games correctly, including the Steelers super Bowl XLIII win. Due to her demise, Vegas odds makers are looking for a new pigskin picking pet. HAUNTING NEWS: A couple put the house in northeastern Pennsylvania up for sale last month, they advertised it as “slightly…
Curmudheon Corner
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: REALITY “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” A. Einstein “It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to go insane.” Philip K. Dick “Everything is the way it is because we’ve all agreed that’s the way it is.” Charles de Lint “Imagination might be scarier than reality … but not…
The Color Of Red (Or Purple) . . . by Joel Mann
One of the least understood aspects of wine, even by industry professionals, is the science of wine color. Whether it’s the crystal clear of a light white wine, the pale garnet of Burgundy, or the inky dark of Petite Sirah, the physics behind wine color are not straightforward, and often confusing without an understanding of biochemistry. I want to give a few ABC’s on wine color. I’ll try to keep the advanced chemistry to a minimum. One aspect of wine color that novices don’t understand is that for the most part wine color comes from the grape’s skin. It’s the…
In 1955, they had sold over 1 million
A new study on businesses franchises that celebrated over 50 years in business. In that time, McDonald’s has grown into a world-wide empire. In January 2012, the company announced revenue for 2011 reached an all-time high of $27 billion, and that 2400 restaurants would be updated and 1300 new ones opened worldwide. While their burgers remain a low-cost item on their menu, many of their employees still struggle to put food on their tables. Sadly, in today’s economy, slinging burgers is longer just a kid’s job. Related posts: Entertainment In and Around Sedona The Government, Part Whatever, IIIish
Now That’s Cute!
The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at Cute – not the Justin Bieber or Taylor Swift cute, but true cute – the kind of cute you find only in adorable puppies and kittens, especially when they are asleep. This kitten couldn’t be any cuter. Our mascot Moshe, likes to sleep with her arms wrapped around something – usually one of our writer’s arms. If you turn back to Page 4 in this issue (incase you are flipping through the pages looking at the pictures) you will find an eye opening article from “Buckshot,” the cat who lives with…
No News From Doodlebug Island
The Doodlebug Island Philosopher’s Society meets more or less monthly in a back room of whatever hotel, tavern, or business from which their rancorous disputes haven’t gotten them barred, so, over time, their circumstances have been reduced to less conducive places, and the meetings themselves occur somewhat sporadically. Festivities this month took place in Mildred’s Hair Salon amid dryers and styling paraphernalia. But, strangely, it was reported to be the most peaceful and decorous on record! Why, it might have been thought to have been a gathering of Quaker Friends, for in the face of normal threats of violence and…
Horoscopes for February 23-March 1, 2014
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) February is emotional and weird which, means your family is involved. Bring your friends into the mix and you can add strange and border line illegal. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You start the month off on the right foot, with a deep sense of what you want. But you’re not thinking – you’re left footed. No Dancing With The Stars for you. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You’ll be dreaming big and setting the tone for the weeks to come. You’ll be radiant. You’ll be impressive. You’ll brighten the lives of…
Frankly Fanny by Herself
Dear Frankly: I hope you can help me. I am involved in a relationship and I don’t trust my partner. We have been together almost 9 months and I am now 8 months pregnant by him. I know that I really didn’t take enough time to get to know him. That was my fault. I have fallen in love with him, but I am not sure how to let him know that I don’t trust him without seeming rude or mean about it. Should I wait until our child is born or confront him with it now? Doubting Darla…
Feeling Just A Little Squirrely…
The Sedona Excentric investigative team looks into the antics of squirrels. Upon returning from a trip to the Grand Canyon, one staff member relayed a story of he and his nephew sitting on a rock overlooking the canyon when he was approached by a begging squirrel. The pestering rodent stood on its hind legs and tugged at his shirt. He gave the squirrel a small piece of apple. The diminutive animal happily stole off with the booty, consumed the fruit and promptly came back for more. Evidently, visitors to the Grand Canyon have been tossing edible tidbits to the critters…
How The Internet Really Got Started . . .
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doest thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?” And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel…
Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality
ELLIPSIS LANE A mother had a daughter that She named, Ellipsis Lane– An awful lot like Lois, but Ellipsis was not sane! Instead of chasing Superman, Ellipsis chased the sun. The girl could never catch it ‘cuz That meant she would have won! Ellipsis, as you likely know, Are periods, in line– Exactly three, like, dot, dot, dot– A punctuation sign That indicates a trailing off, A silence, never solved, An emptiness in what comes next, Denouement, unresolved! So, poor Ellipsis lived a life Of dreams that turned to fluff….
Welcome The Cypress Queen
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Lily Tomlin (1939 – ) “Day dies into night,” wrote the great Tertullian “and is everywhere buried in darkness…and yet again it revives, with its own beauty, its own dowry, the same as before, whole and unimpaired.” Is that a fair description of Sedona? Perhaps one day that was true about residents as well as landscape. But it would be irresponsibly misleading to declare that today. Day after day more and more land is being impaired by ‘dozers; more of the blessed Verde River is heading for dry sections; and…
Proper Pet Care
SHHHH! Buck is asleep. Just before he passed out from eating too much barbecue, I heard him say he had to write a column for the paper. So, as his true best friend, I’m pitching in to help out. Allow me to introduce myself. I’m “Buckshot,” Buck’s cat and our lesson for today is proper pet care. If anybody knows how pets should be cared for, it’s me! You’re probably wondering how a cat can write this. I do everything with Buck. Everywhere he goes, I go. Everything he does, I watch. (Don’t’ get the crazy idea that I do…
Lawn Maintenance
This chapter in my “How-to” book discusses the establishment and maintenance of a traditional lawn. Assuming that you’re starting from nothing, establishing a new lawn is a monumental task. Just mentioning the fact in casual conversation with your friends will cause them to scatter like a covey of quail, especially those that own a pick-up truck or trailer. The fact that you are considering a lawn is proof that you’ve never done it before, and therefore, have no idea what you’re doing. This is a deadly combination, and no amount of free beer will overcome the handicap. For the purpose…
The Making of a Woman’s Dream
Dear Frankly, I am a slightly built, light skinned, baby faced, balding teacher and not exactly a classic “woman’s dream.” I get along with women and have many women friends. They appreciate my humor, intelligence and understanding nature, yet it is rare when one of them shows an “attraction” towards me. For the past two years, I have been dateless and celibate. I’m beginning to experience desperation. Is it possible for a man my age (48) to find a relationship with a woman 20 years younger? Desperate Dave Dear Desperate, Learn to dance? Dress hip? A teacher’s salary? My fourth…
The Government, Part Whatever, IIIish
Our crack staff takes a look at the influence the seemingly never ending sequester has imposed on public transportation. Known as “trickle down economics,” the federal government withholds funding to the states, who in turn denies revenue to the counties, who no longer gives money to the cities, who then shut down public programs. Forced to improvise, organizations find themselves depending on donations, grants and thee generosity of th private sector. This once-thriving bus company that had previously offered free transportation to the public in Cornville could no longer afford the fuel necessary for combustion and resorted to alternative power….
Horoscopes for February 9-15, 2014
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) A cut lip will reveal a secret you have been able to keep for years. Someone will recognize the position of the cut on the lip smear on your Valentine’s Day card. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) The good news is you’ll finally get a job. The bad news is you’ll have to wear a dorky uniform and clap and sing goofy happy birthday songs at least twice a day. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will have a very difficult time resisting temptation in February. You’ll run and you’ll hide, but somehow…
STATE OF THE ONION ADDRESS
Pictured is a mug shot of James Traficant, the former Ohio congressman booked at the Summit County, Ohio jail in July 2002. You were most likely expecting someone famous, like Justin Beiber. We, at the Excentric, don’t go for that kind of sensationalism – using a celebrity’s misguided adventure for our gain. So, instead, we picked a mug shot of just one among a slew of disgraced politicians. It was also agreed upon that the picture be of someone who possesses a limited ability to retaliate. Coming in a close second was Rush Limbaugh, who, like others was arrested on…
Horoscopes for February 2-8, 2014
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You’ll try, but fail, to impress snow bunnies this ski season in Flagstaff. Too late, you’ll find everyone signed your cast, “This Stupid Thing Is Fake!” TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This month you will discover Castor Oil is like WD40 for the gastro-intestinal tract. You’ll mix it with orange juice and end up non-squeaky clean. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) The month of March finds you facing a conundrum?deciding whether or not to file a police report on the theft of your exotic plants for insurance purposes. CANCER (June 21 – July…
