STATE OF THE ONION ADDRESS
Pictured is a mug shot of James Traficant, the former Ohio congressman booked at the Summit County, Ohio jail in July 2002. You were most likely expecting someone famous, like Justin Beiber. We, at the Excentric, don’t go for that kind of sensationalism – using a celebrity’s misguided adventure for our gain. So, instead, we picked a mug shot of just one among a slew of disgraced politicians. It was also agreed upon that the picture be of someone who possesses a limited ability to retaliate. Coming in a close second was Rush Limbaugh, who, like others was arrested on drug related charges. And he was smiling.
by Blodwyn Smythe,
State of Mind Reporter
SEDONA: A horde of reporters, onlookers and fans of Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric, gathered on the field at the corner of Saddlerock Circle and SR89A where Art For Sedona’s Sake conducts their arts and crafts shows at a hastily called press conference by the media mogul.
“I have lived here the better part of my adult years. I’m not quite sure exactly how long that it is, but it has definitely been the better part,” Sir William confided to the throng of cheering supporters. “I harken back to the days of one traffic signal, the Wrenwood Bar, parades along SR89A through West Sedona (Grasshopper Flats) artists working out of their garages, Harmonic Convergence and progressive store, restaurant and hotel owners.
“Today, I hear and see a divided community for and against a vast array of city topics. People who move to Sedona, escaping the pitfalls of big city life, don’t realize by their very presence, they take Sedona ever closer to becoming what they left behind.
A reporter from Sedona’s small, other paper piped up, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice the invitation to this hastily called press conference was ‘State Of The Onion Address.’ Did you mean to write ‘State Of The Union Address’?”
There was a familiar scowl from Sir William. “If I had meant ‘Union” I would have written ‘Union.’ I am giving a State Of The Onion Address, if I am permitted to without further interruption.
“As you know, an onion is all the same when its layers are peeled back. Sedona, however, seems to be the exception to the rule. Where the onion began with a laissez-fair, happy go lucky ambience, each time a layer was peeled more and more rules and regulations and restrictions and whiners were revealed. A bunch of people with nothing better to do than complain about everything they opposed, all named Anonymous, over-exercise their rights to express their disgust with any individual or group expressing fun – music, drumming, art shows, schoolyards, playgrounds, parks and the such.
“It seems the only right they recognize is their own right to freedom of speech – ignoring the right to the pursuit of happiness for anyone but themselves. As if that’s not enough, they join a bunch of boards with the aim of improving the quality of programs they left behind.
“In the future, Sedona should politely refuse those talented people until they show an understanding of the city’s history.
It’s kind of like when someone walks up to tell me they have an idea for a great story. I tell them to read everything we’ve published for the past 25 years and if they don’t find it there, then feel free to get back to me. I usually don’t hear from them again. The reading material alone should prove to be enough to push those ideas right out of their heads.”
“I’m sorry for interrupting, Sir, but are you trying to say there hasn’t been improvements in Sedona since it incorporated,” asked some finance magazine reporter.
“My dear,” Sir William replied with a slightly raised and obviously perplexed voice. “At no time did I say no improvements have been made. In fact, there has been a significant advancement in Sedona every year I have lived here – in spite of the naysayers. Progress cannot be measured only by marked improvements to the terrain of an area. Stadiums, castles, mass transit systems, Olympic games, and the such alone do not progress make. Evolution requires a growth in the mental state of an onion.”
Some guy in the middle of the crowd shouted, “Okay, I’m confused. State of the union, state of the onion, why are there pictures of people’s mug shots inserted in the cover story about the lack of evolutionary growth within the city of Sedona? I came here because I heard there would be free food and drinks and a drawing for a free piece of art by a famous Sedonan. Who cares that people disagree about everything? I have low blood sugar and I need a snack.”
Sir William tossed the guy a protein bar. Sorry about the food and drink thing, but a lot of Sedonans are out of town this time of year and I need a big audience to get me in the mood. As for the mug shots, my paper can’t be the only medium not covering the Bieber debacle. We’re gearing up for the mug shots from his arrest for the egging incident.”
“Back on topic; it’s quite possible main reason I called it a State Of The Onion Address is that with every layer that is peeled off more than a few tears are shed.”
With that Sir William gestured to the crowd and ascended into his waiting limousine.
Staff decided after viewing hundreds of mug shots, clearly, the best looking at time of arrest was Paris Hilton.
