July 7, 2020

Proper Pet Care


SHHHH! Buck is asleep. Just before he passed out from eating too much barbecue, I heard him say he had to write a column for the paper. So, as his true best friend, I’m pitching in to help out.

Allow me to introduce myself. I’m “Buckshot,” Buck’s cat and our lesson for today is proper pet care. If anybody knows how pets should be cared for, it’s me!

You’re probably wondering how a cat can write this. I do everything with Buck.  Everywhere he goes, I go.  Everything he does, I watch. (Don’t’ get the crazy idea that I do this out of some sort of devotion or loyalty. I do it only out of a sense of duty. You see, Buck, like all humans, is hopelessly incompetent. I have to keep an eye on him all the time to make sure he doesn’t screw something up.)

Anyway, as I was saying, one day while he was working at his computer, I heard him talk about something called a mouse. I had to investigate. Sure enough, there was this “mouse” thing attached to the computer by a long tail. I didn’t look like a mouse. It sure didn’t smell like a mouse. In fact, it didn’t even squeak when I tried to bite it!

I continued to study this mouse thing and discovered when Buck pushed it around with his paw and hit a bunch of buttons with his fingers, stuff happened on the computer screen. I finally figured out this was what humans call “writing.”

One thing led to another, and over time, I learned how to do this writing thing myself. So, here I am helping hopelessly incompetent Buck by writing his column for him.
Pet care is simple if you just follow the 12 rules.  Here they are:

RULE 1– Philosophy:  Cats Are The Most Important Animals On Earth – Cats are more important than dogs.  Cats are more important than rabbits. Cats are more important than ferrets, chickens, canaries, hamsters, turtles, tuna fish, marmosets, guinea pigs, ducks, agouties, iguanas, fire ants, manatees, lizards, toads, parakeets, parrots, caddis flies, horses, cows, mules, mongooses (mongeese?), peccaries, ibises, tapeworms, pronghorn antelope, platypuses, squirrels, voles, dung beetles, anteaters, eels, sea anemones, woodpeckers, koalas, sloths, spores fungus, slime molds, algae, seahorses, clams, crabs, black mamba snakes, peacocks, or gnus. Nothing is more important than a cat!

RULE 2 – Respect – As the most importing thing on earth, cats’ welfare must be the guiding factor in every decision humans make.  Every decision must be analyzed first and foremost by asking, “How will this affect the cat?” For example, at the grocery store, do you buy milk or cream? Codfish or lobster? Liverwurst or pate with truffles? Eggs or oeufs a la crème fraîche? At the furniture store, do you buy a ladder-back chair or a soft overstuffed armchair? Blankets or puffy down comforters? A chintz covered sofa or a nice soft corduroy one just perfect for sharpening claws? For vacation, do you go to the beach or do you visit the Museum of Small Mammals, Little Fishies and Flightless Birds?

RULE 3 – Nutrition – When buying cat food, always buy the most expensive and luxurious.

RULE 4 – Personal Comfort – always reserve the most comfortable spot on the chair/sofa/bed for the cat.  Never, ever, ever, ever disturb a resting cat. There will be consequences!

RULE 5 – Annoyances – never talk nice to a dog in the presence of a cat.
RULE 6 – Recreation – Keep on hand an adequate supply of clean, fresh kitty toys.  Each cat should be presented with a new toy at least once a week. We’ll play with them when we’re good and ready.

RULE 7 – Recreational Drugs – There’s no such thing as too much catnip.

RULE 8 – Comfort – Always keep the temperature at 75 degrees or above.

RULE 9 – Attention – Pet me when I want to be petted. Leave me alone when I don’t want to be petted. It’s your responsibility to figure out the difference.

RULE 10 – TELEVISION – Always choose shows with plenty of action.  Hockey, NASCAR and soccer are good. Golf and fishing are okay. Soaps or Masterpiece Theater are awful. Use the mute button during all dog food commercials. That’s what the button is for. Use the record button during all cat food commercials. Turn the TV off during all Taco Bell commercials that feature that silly little dog!

RULE 11 – Forms Of Address – Cats are to be addressed as “Your Highness” or “Your Majesty.”  Tasteful endearments such as “Darling,” “Sweetheart,” “Gorgeous,” or “Miraculous One” are appropriate if not carried to excess.

RULE 12 – Attire – Cats don’t wear much, so what little we do wear is very important. Most pet mega superstores have a good selection.  But whatever you select, it should be expensive! Choosing the right collar is crucial.  Siamese and Himalayans NEED rhinestones ones (diamonds are even better). Most guys need bold colors. Redneck cats need camouflage. Sporty cats need patterns. Sweet little kittens need pastels. Older girl cats look good in skimpy brightly-colored thong collars or, at night, basic black and pearls. Never put a bell on the collar.  Rabies tags or ID tags are okay as long as they don’t jingle. Well, there you have it. 

The 12 rules of proper pet care.  What?  You want to know how to take care of pets other than cats?  Why spend your time, money or attention on anything other than a cat?  WOW!  I’m glad we got that cleared up!  Now I gotta go sit on Buck’s face.  It’s time for him to get up and feed me.

See ya around.


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