August 18, 2018

Horoscopes for October 7-13, 2012

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Your karma bank account will be overdrawn. It’s time you made a deposit. If not, you may become a subject in the book, “When Your Karma Turns To Cacca.” AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You always count on “your guides” as you navigate through life. This month, you’ll discover that their compasses are busted and you are, like, totally lost. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) There are a lot of facts and figures simmering in your head, which could explain why you misplaced your keys, but not why you forgot to get…

Horoscopes for September 30-October 6, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will explain that the reason you are addicted to alcohol and sex is that you sought to cure your Restless Leg Syndrome. Oh yeah, it’s also why you wet the bed. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This month finds you feeling confident and secure. The armored Hummer, mace, nunchaku, switchblade and AK-47 can’t protect you from those nasty nightmares. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will find yourself thinking about climate change. What concerns you most is what possible effect it will have on your wardrobe. Shop ’til you drop, Gemini. CANCER…

Horoscopes for September 23-29, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) The good life and all that is fine and luxurious may be what you value just now. Unfortunately, the low life and all that is cheap and tawdry is all you can afford. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will have opportunities to add your own personal touch to the work you do. Not everyone will be impressed by your chewed gum glue jobs. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) There could be some tension or sense of opposition requiring compromise or negotiation on your part. Wearing you underwear inside your pants is a…

Horoscopes for September 16-22, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will be invited to a Paint Ball tournament among a group of your coworkers. You will sadly miss the event, spending too much time rolling the paint balls. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) High spirits will be in motion as the Moon in Gemini conjuncts Mars in your sector of self-expression. Expression has more to do with high spirits than the Moon. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month, the Moon in mellow Taurus sextiles your ruling planet Venus in domestic Cancer. I have no idea what this means, but some Geminis…

Horoscopes for September 9-15, 2012

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) If you have a partner, listen closely and respect his or her wishes. If you don’t have a partner, forget about it. Just go about your daily routine of ignoring people. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You may end up working too hard and compromising your health this month. Then again, you may be Elvis’ love child or heir to an ant farm empire. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) The energy of the planetary aspect is ripe for giving you a feeling of deep security concerning a meaningful relationship. Remember, after ripeness comes…

Horoscopes for September 2-8, 2012

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This month, try not to worry too much if people around you are confused or even unwilling to help. Remember, after all, they are just family and close friends. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Whether you’re looking for a partner of some sort or just somebody who ‘gets it,’ this month is a good time to scout. Of course, you probably still won’t “get it.” PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Sometimes you feel like you’re freer than the wind, riding high on great ideas and executing plans like there’s nothing to it….

Horoscopes for December 7-13, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Holidays are coming and relatives are on their way to invade your home. This time, you’ll be prepared. Gift certificates to restaurants and hotels are great ideas. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) A small piece of dust will land on one of your eyes, leaving trails and triggering flashbacks from the 60s. You’ll recover with a love for tie-dye and paisley. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will be questioned this month in the disappearance of your senile uncle-in-law. You’ll stick to your story that you dropped him off to shop at Super…

Horoscopes for November 30-December 6, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Two new moons have been found around Pluto, the planet astrologers want demoted to a star. Pisces will support Pluto by mooning everyone Dec 23rd. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll learn of Festivus, dash out to find an undecorated aluminum pole and spaghetti, practice wrestling and airing your grievances. You’ve never been so happy. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) December is traditionally a month for celebrating friends and family members home. Your family, resembling the Grizwalds, will hit the casinos for days. CANCER (June 21 – July 22) You’ll start wearing a…

Horoscopes for November 16-22, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Once again, things will take a turn for the worse in November. And, once again, you will blame everything on a co-worker, a neighbor, a relative or a pet. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Your Halloween costume was such a big hit at the office party, you will think it fun to wear it once a month. Others will think cross-dressing is more disturbing. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will find that the older you get, the more you want to take a nap in the late afternoon. For most government workers,…

Horoscopes for November 9-15, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You’ll learn of Festivus, dash out to find an undecorated aluminum pole and spaghetti, practice wrestling and airing your grievances. You’ve never been so happy. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) December is traditionally a month for celebrating friends and family members home. Your family, resembling the Grizwalds, will hit the casinos for days. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You’ll start wearing a large silver cross around your neck after Christmas. Everyone will think you found religion. Little will they know, you just found the cross. CANCER (June 21 – July 22) Chanukah, Christmas,…

Horoscopes for November 2-8, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Your Halloween costume was such a big hit at the office party, you will think it fun to wear it once a month. Others will think cross-dressing is more disturbing. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will find that the older you get, the more you want to take a nap in the late afternoon. For most government workers, this is fine, but not for taxi drivers. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will recall your parents saying “Your day will come.” Well, it’s coming this month. If not this month, soon. But mark my words,…

Horoscopes for October 26-November 1, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) In October, you may be of two minds about something. This will come as a great relief. Until this October, you were of three or more minds about most things. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You going to fall in love with yourself all over again this October. Like before, you will get along well for a while, then fight, leading to a painful breakup. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Some forecasts show that your fashion choices, your musical taste and your overall style have everyone buzzing with admiration. Other forecasts say…

Horoscopes for October 12-18, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will find happiness in October. Unfortunately, this will happen right before you lose your keys, your mate, your job and finally your sense of self respect. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) People say they can tell a lot about a person from their handshake. While you may want to strengthen yours, you will definitely want to get rid of the curtsy. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will describe yourself as a take charge kind of person. You will be more successful when you are also a take cash and checks kind…

Horoscopes for October 5-11, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You going to fall in love with yourself all over again this October. Like before, you will get along well for a while, then fight, leading to a painful breakup. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Some forecasts show that your fashion choices, your musical taste and your overall style have everyone buzzing with admiration. Other forecasts say “nah.” PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This month, you could have a flash of inspiration that illuminates the potential future in a profound way. Not to worry – like a kidney stone, this too shall…

Horoscopes for September 22-28, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You will find it effortless to turn away from the dramatically unsocial people in your life and not ever look back again. Probably because they can run so fast. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Some forecasts have pies and rubber chickens flying in your path. That is ridiculous. The stars show you dodging gluten free carrot cakes and rubber duckies. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Just like a long race in the Olympics, you may want to pace yourself. Winning the first lap isn’t important, it’s finishing first. It’s a metaphor for sex,…

Horoscopes for September 7-13, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You will find it effortless to turn away from the dramatically unsocial people in your life and not ever look back again. Probably because they can run so fast. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Some forecasts have pies and rubber chickens flying in your path. That is ridiculous. The stars show you dodging gluten free carrot cakes and rubber duckies. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Just like a long race in the Olympics, you may want to pace yourself. Winning the first lap isn’t important, it’s finishing first. It’s a metaphor for…

Horoscopes for August 31-September 6, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) People will talk out of the sides of their mouths this month and your communication skills will be tested. Fortunately, for you, you speak fluent jibberish. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) This month, try to avoid signing or agreeing to anything, and things will turn out all right, like those traffic tickets or divorce papers or prenuptial agreement. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Love and kisses and romance and more love and more kisses and more romance and more and more and more love and kisses and romance. Too bad you’re alone….

Horoscopes for August 17-23, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will begin channeling in ancient Sumerian. At first people will be impressed. But soon a translator reveals you’ve been channeling a really bad stoned comedian. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will try to avoid contact with people this month. After exhausting every hiding place, you’ll choose a closet in the Capital, but will find it full of politicians. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will be dogged by a couple on a scooter all month. Finally, you’ll stop and ask them to stop. Instead, they will become the first in your flock of faithful…

Horoscopes for April 6-12, 2014

ARIES (Aprch 21 – April 19) Closed-door meetings may seem intimidating, but they aren’t always about you. Also, just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean you’re not being followed. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) In April, the rising of the new moon could very well bring you a new partner, possibly making your old partner flash you with a new moon. Yikes! GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month, the bright light of the Sun shines on your house of dreams, revealing what were once private thoughts. Everyone will then know you’re a kinky weirdo. CANCER (June 21 – July…

Horoscopes for August 3-9, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This month, try to avoid signing or agreeing to anything, and things will turn out all right, like those traffic tickets or divorce papers or prenuptial agreement. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Love and kisses and romance and more love and more kisses and more romance and more and more and more love and kisses and romance. Too bad you’re alone. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Some call you childlike, and on a month like this it’s hard to deny. It’s so hot you’ll dig a big hole in your yard, strap…