October 19, 2018

Horoscopes for July 27-August 2, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This month, your imagination, dreams and fantasies will provide other people with entertainment. Little did anyone know what a comedian you can be. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You are in super great shape on the extremely the whole month of July. Look for really good news and lots of wet, sloppy kisses. Somebody’s getting a puppy! PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You’re better off kicking back and observing than trying to make things happen in July. If you can eavesdrop a bit, you’ll learn what they really think about you. ARIES…

Horoscopes for July 13-19, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) It’s August in Arizona. Chances are great it’s going to be hot – very hot. You’ll complain as you have every year about the heat. You won’t do well in your afterlife. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) August is the perfect month for Taurus to get back together with a long lost lover. If it goes as planned, you will be together days longer than the first time. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) Things are heating up and summer nights are boring. For relief, you’ll take up skinny-dipping at the city pool. You’ll…

Horoscopes for July 6-12, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Do not walk boldly to your future this month. It would be best if you pretend you’re a houseplant that needs shade. Prune the dead leaves and stand in a corner. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You need to plug in for things to pan out. Or is it you need to tune in to drop out? Or maybe it’s you need to hang in to hang out. Well, you gotta get up to get down. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Others will take their cues from you especially when Uranus follows…

Horoscopes for June 29-July 5, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Work, love, life, whatever, you’re a big winner. The kind of winner everybody wants to take out to dinner and smother with kisses. No, wait, that’s last year’s. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You are itching for a little highbrow culture. But you live in Cornville, AZ and have nothing to scratch it with since the breakup of the Cornville Symphony. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) The microcosm of civilization that surrounds you is starting to wear on your patience, and the idea of faces you don’t recognize sounds thrilling. Go bowling….

Horoscopes for June 15-21, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will try to continue passing the holiday spirit along by whistling carols. Joy will come to an abrupt stop when friends and co-workers Super Glue your lips. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will be approached by the authorities soon for assault with intent to cause internal harm after relatives report you for re-gifting those nasty old fruitcakes. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will emerge from a life-long doubt about the existence of Santa Claus this month. You still didn’t receive any gifts, but your roof is covered in reindeer poop….

Horoscopes for June 8-14, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will take credit this month for a new campaign to promote a popular landmark near your home. Park your car, stop to smell the flowers and kiss our buttes. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will find yourself ambling quite often this month. You’ll lose a few pounds and start a profitable new fitness business, Amble Your Way To Better Health. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will have a “lost time” episode. You explain that you were abducted by aliens and then returned a day later, but the bartender remembers serving…

Horoscopes for June 1-7, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month, you’ll go home to celebrate the 4th of July. Your father keeps calling you Bucky. You wouldn’t mind if it hadn’t been the name of your old, smelly dog. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) July is the month for vacations. You’ll decide to take the family on a special camping trip to the Grand Canyon, get lost, end up in Utah and covert to Republican. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) It’s officially summer and you need to get into bathing suit shape. Temporary Orthorexia nervosa may be just the thing. Summer…

Horoscopes for May 18-24, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You will find in May that you can give as good as you get when it comes to ambiguity. If anything, you have mastered the art of vagueness and uncertainty. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You will take that ride on the carousel of life to grab the brass ring. Unfortunately, your horse will throw a shoe and toss you off the whirligig, ring-less still. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This month, you will need to be careful to keep your me, me, me impulses in check. If you love something, set…

Horoscopes for May 11-17, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You might want to avoid rushing into any big financial deals. Of course, not having any money, poor credit and a shaky job may play into your decisions. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Let your creativity run wild this May and you might just make a couple of new friends along the way. Your sane friends will likely abandon you in a heartbeat. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Misplaced keys? Can’t find your glasses? No idea where your favorite shirt is hiding? It could seem things are topsy-turvy. Or, you could be…

Horoscopes for May 4-10, 2014

ARIES (April 21 – April 19) A Full Moon in Scorpio this month makes life more passionate and intense, especially where your love life is concerned. Now if you can just find a willing mate. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) Mercury and Venus will be in Taurus for most of the month, emphasizing friendships and loving communication. Try to keep the friends and loving separate. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month, the planets transiting in some other planet will help you work hard to achieve your goals. Fortunately, your goals mostly involve barbecue and beer. CANCER (June 21…

Horoscopes for April 27-May 3, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Don’t dwell on obstacles this month. Organize a picnic or a hostile takeover. Better yet, do both. Occupy a park and dominate the neighbors, ants and squirrels. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You will find yourself needing to allow some space for natural growth and evolution. You may have to add a couple of notches to your belt or switch to sweats. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Be sure not to stick ideas you come up with this month in the bottom drawer of your desk and forget them, or they’ll be…

Horoscopes for April 13-19, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Get out there and workout in April. Otherwise, your joints, brain, lungs and heart will start complaining. Remember to shower or everyone around will complain. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Contort yourself into whatever pretzels you comfortably can manage, and you’ll emerge suppler and more successful. You’ll also go great with brown mustard. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Your innate sensitivity to what’s happening around you plays a huge role in how you navigate tricky situations. Running, ducking, hiding, lying – all innate. ARIES (April 18 – May 13) You’ll be in…

Horoscopes for March 30-April 5, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) Early this month, your brain is extremely active and it’s making you very productive and ambitious. Don’t panic, you’ll be back to addled in no time at all. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You will find yourself feeling like a surfer navigating waves of emotion. Then it happens – wipe-out! Your emotional house goes under water. File for bankruptcy. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You may sense a person in a position of authority is subtly flirting with you. Then again, you have been adding a lot of leafy greens to your diet. Toothpick? ARIES (April…

Horoscopes for March 16-22, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) A bunch of planets move through Pluto, influencing you to expand your view of the world and your place in it. Unfortunately, you will also expand your waistline. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) The celestial atmosphere encourages you to actively pursue someone altogether eligible. That’s good, because you usually pursue those altogether ineligible. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You usually think you’re right, but you can be wrong, of course. Much like this astrological forecast. The month of March will the best of your entire life. Or not. ARIES (April 18 –…

Horoscopes for March 9-15, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) Mars quincunx Pluto and Saturn squares Pluto, bringing some tension to the areas of your chart of finances. Since Pluto is officially no longer a planet, no biggee. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) In March, it may seem the world is moving too quickly for you and you may secretly have to make concessions. You just might bring honor back to fast food. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) By nature, relationships cause new feelings and sometimes present challenges in understanding. This month you’ll try to understand why you have no relationship. CANCER (June…

Horoscopes for March 2-8, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) This month you will embark on a journey to discover your inner self. A wrong turn down the trail and you’ll find yourself in the middle of a spiritual safari gone awry. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You’ll have flashbacks of someone in authority saying that you will rue the day. You didn’t know what they meant, but in March, you will rue at least one day. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will discover a hitherto unknown talent for finding odoriferous elements in everyday life. You’ll eventually quit your job at the…

Horoscopes for February 23-March 1, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) February is emotional and weird which, means your family is involved. Bring your friends into the mix and you can add strange and border line illegal. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You start the month off on the right foot, with a deep sense of what you want. But you’re not thinking – you’re left footed. No Dancing With The Stars for you. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) You’ll be dreaming big and setting the tone for the weeks to come. You’ll be radiant. You’ll be impressive. You’ll brighten the lives of…

Horoscopes for February 9-15, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) A cut lip will reveal a secret you have been able to keep for years. Someone will recognize the position of the cut on the lip smear on your Valentine’s Day card. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) The good news is you’ll finally get a job. The bad news is you’ll have to wear a dorky uniform and clap and sing goofy happy birthday songs at least twice a day. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will have a very difficult time resisting temptation in February. You’ll run and you’ll hide, but somehow…

Horoscopes for February 2-8, 2014

ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You’ll try, but fail, to impress snow bunnies this ski season in Flagstaff. Too late, you’ll find everyone signed your cast, “This Stupid Thing Is Fake!” TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) This month you will discover Castor Oil is like WD40 for the gastro-intestinal tract. You’ll mix it with orange juice and end up non-squeaky clean. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) The month of March finds you facing a conundrum?deciding whether or not to file a police report on the theft of your exotic plants for insurance purposes. CANCER (June 21 – July…

Horoscopes for January 19-25, 2014

CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) You’ve built up a lot of good karma over the past year, but you can’t stand around waiting for the big payback to come. What about all the years you screwed up? AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You’ll encounter two challenging aspects causing you to counter the urge to make a mad dash into the sunlight. Good thing, because there was a big tree in the way. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Competition can be extremely motivating for you this month. After conquering your visiting nieces and nephews on wii bowling, you’re…