November 13, 2018

Horoscopes for March 17-23, 2013

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

A revelation about energy will come to you this month after you keep pressing harder and harder on the remote control when the batteries are getting weak.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You’ll buy a new pair of jeans and tennis shoes to go bungee jumping. Later you’ll discover that was like Kamikaze pilots wearing helmets before their big day.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will have a sudden urge to drive to Surprise, Arizona this month. Once you arrive, you’ll find there is absolutely nothing there to do. Surprise!

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

You’ll have second thoughts about renewing your hunting license, especially after all those nasty things you said in public about Vice President, Dick Cheney.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

March is a good month for Leos to wax philosophical. You will go off alone to Oak Creek, sit on a sun-warmed rock and ponder how many wrongs will make a right.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You will feel like a vegetable this month, probably blue corn that’s just been placed in a pot with hot oil for popping, melted butter nearby. Next month, fruit.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

This month you will try to combine your knowledge of science with your religious convictions by asking, hey, if apes evolved into man, why hasn’t man evolved?

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You will pay someone a compliment this month that will go unappreciated. They will not only try to return it, but they will also demand a full refund.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You will read the statistics on insanity and discover that 1 out of 4 people suffer from mental illness. You begin to worry when you think of you 3 normal friends.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You will read this paper, paying special attention to page 16. You will form a group to promote Buzzard’s Day and Everything You Think Is Wrong Day.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

This month finds you giving extra time to learning more about your local politics. No longer will you rely on others for negative opinions and finger pointing.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

You’ll get in trouble with the law. You will be grocery shopping and accidentally leave without paying for some vegetables. You’ll be questioned for taking a leek.

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