December 9, 2023

Horoscopes for June 9-15, 2013


ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

You will recall days of rocking on a porch, whittling a stick, humming a tune and trying to hit that spittoon. Funny, you can’t recall starring in Deliverance.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

You will have a recurring nightmare of being reincarnated as a chihuahua, running in a parking lot with a taco in your mouth, being chased by a giant bell.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

You will try to get into the dating scene after a long hiatus. While coffee shops are the new, hip places to hang, watch out for the decaffeinated Ginseng Tea drinkers.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

You will find an oblong shaped object while digging in your garden. At first, it appears to be an ancient artifact. Later, you’ll find it was a really old Easter egg.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

It is the dawning of the age of Aquarius. Venus and Mars are alright tonight. Drops of Jupiter. Twinkle, twinkle little star. Return of Saturn. Need I say more?

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You will struggle with the national debates on immigration, school testing, gasoline rates and welfare. To read these topics in English press 1, in Spanish press 2.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

You will decide to get political and join a new group, “Equality for Whiners.” This group complains about everything and blames everyone else. You’ll fit right in.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You will gain a better understanding of the theory of chaos. Sadly, it will come too late to save your relationship, flushed hairpiece or smashed plasma television.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

For days, you’ll have an urge to scratch yourself in public in places others might find offensive. One thing to remember, it’s only embarrassing if you care.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You’ll be going to your happy place more and more as people begin to grate on your nerves more than usual. Very strange that your happy place is a porta-potty.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

This month will be very confusing for you. You will date someone who claims to have bad habits. So you thought. Turns out they’re bad Hobbits – lots of them.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Oh, woe is Pisces. The discovery of the planet, Sedna, screwed up everything. Before that forecasts were favorable. Now? Schmucksville, land of the insipid.

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