November 13, 2018

Horoscopes for April 14-20, 2013

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ARIES (March 21 – April 19)

April showers bring May flowers, but in your case April will also bring long mental lapses, during which things will occur that you can deny any memory of.

TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)

This is a good time to show everyone how to celebrate Easter. Place the eggs in plain sight to avoid children on spring break picking up any bunny droppings.

GEMINI (May 21 -June 20)

This month you will decide to change careers. Of course, some may not consider volunteering to walk the Humane Society of Sedona dogs a career.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)

You will feel like an April Fool all month long. People will be teasing you and poking fun at you throughout the month. The only significance is that it’s April.

LEO (July 23 – August 22)

You’ll be feeling inadequate until you find that everyone who has seen you naked has micropsia, a visual perception where objects seem disproportionately tiny.

VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)

You’ll run in the streets naked yelling, “Eureka, I have found it.” When pressed about your discovery, you’ll declare you know where the hell Carmen Santiago is.

LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)

This month, you will tire of everyone telling you to stop beating around the bush. It will bother you to the point that you start beating around the prickly pear cacti.

SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)

You’ll be invited to join an elite group this month. You will turn them down flat, only to later discover that the Freemasons don’t really lay brick at no charge.

SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)

You will be embarrassed while marching in the Easter Parade this month. Your male bulldog dressed in a dress and crown will violate the no-gays parade rule.

CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)

You will fall into a deep depression this month after being told that you are what you eat. Swallowing a swarm of gnats while bicycling ignites a desire for ear wax.

AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)

This month will find you peddling your latest discovery to the highest bidder on Ebay. But few are interested in buying an image of the Virgin Mary on a latke.

PISCES (February 19 – March 20)

You’ll think you are suffering from Koro. Then, after visiting a doctor, you are advised that because of lack of activity, your prized possession is really shrinking.

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