December 15, 2019

NUDISTS’ CONVENTION HERE

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Pictured is one of the locations being consider by leaders of a group of people representing vacationing nudists from around the world. Each year they seek out a new beautiful location to do a little sun worshiping and fill in their tan lines. They do their best to avoid places where ogling spectators gather, whistling and cat calling and generally harassing the peaceful, unfettered clean air lovers. At times, unsuspecting hikers or campers stumble across a person or group sunbathing without the constriction of clothing. For some nudists, it is a medical issue, as they have allergies to GMO cotton seeds.

 

by Blodwyn Smythe,
Bare Facts Reporter

SEDONA: A horde of reporters, fans and passerby gathered at a press conference on the patio of the Sedona Elk’s Lodge to listen to Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric, reveal the details behind the 2015 nudist convention coming to the Verde Valley.
Sir William stepped up the the microphone, “I have gathered you here to reveal the details behind the 2015 nudist convention coming to the Verde Valley. The newly formed organization of nudists, the National Union of Nudists’ Symposium, or NUNS, has accepted my invitation to hold their week-long event with us.

“Our efforts to bring this financial boon to the Verde Valley has been in the works for years,” he continued. “We are expecting more than 5,000 nude bodies meandering about town for more than a week.”

The reactions from the people in attendance were varied. Some jumped with joy while others cringed in fear and disgust.
A member of the restaurant association said, “Our policy is and always has been – No Shirts, No Shoes, No Service.”
A cheer roared from the crowd.

“It will be a much needed boost to our economy,” shouted some guy. “And, I for one, welcome them with open arms. Well, some of them. I mean they’re all welcome, just only some of them with open arms. And they would have to sign a waiver if they wanted to throw darts or horseshoes.”

A club owner stated they were welcome in his establishment, but expressed concerns over dancing.
A manager from one of the supermarkets (who preferred to remain nameless) said he would consider opening a special lane for the nudists because, clearly, according to him these people are going to need to eat and they have nearly no chance of shoplifting.

“Why don’t they just go to one of the many nude beaches around the world,” asked a reporter from Sedona’s small, other paper.

Sir William stepped back up to the microphone, “One of the main issues of having nudists gather at private beaches is sand. Have you ever been all oiled up with lotion to protect your body from the harmful rays of the sun and sat on a sandy beach? Some of the best nude beaches in the world are in Italy and Greece, where also some of the hairiest men with magnifier sunglasses reside. At some of the beaches, the sand is so fine, you can have your body reshaped by blasting winds. Imagine a bunch of SPF 50 slathered nudists caught in the middle of a haboob.”

Sandra, a men’s wardrobe consultant addressed the crowd in tears. “I’m aghast that Sir William would bring a nudist convention  to our conservative town. It most certainly won’t help my business. I’ve always maintained that it is the clothes that make the man.”

Paul W., who claimed he worked for Arizona Bound Tours, actually expressed a legitimate concern – the application of seatbelts on jeeps. “It’s not the fact that seatbelts need to be applied, but having to blindfold my drivers as they reach to help the riders buckle in.”

A happening barbeque joint owner said that the nudists are welcome at his establishment, but like every other patron, they have to wear bibs. “We don’t pay for dry cleaning of our customers clothing and we’re not paying for any cleaning of a any  part of a nudist.”

According to the owner of a local hair salon, “No ifs ands or buts about it, makes no matter to me what the customer is wearing or not. After all, at my age, I’ve seen more than a few split ends in this business. A few more isn’t going to make a bit of difference.”

A clerk at one of the convenience stores said they had already sold out of disposable cameras. It seems everyone wants pictures, but no one wants the images permanently stored on their memory cards.
The camera store owner stated that he sold out of binoculars.

“Aren’t you worried that allowing nudists to our fair city may undermine our morals and send the world a message that we are a tolerant people,” asked some guy.

Sir William smiled, “I need to warn you all that the only place the people will be naked is where they get a permit to maintain their privacy. They are not hoping for you to see them in the buff any more than you  are. When they have their convention, you should have your own elsewhere that requires people to be covered from head to foot.

“So, in closing, let me extend a hearty welcome to our upcoming NUNS conventioneers.”

With that, Sir William gestured to the crowd and ascended into his waiting limousine.

Above is a photo of a possible location for NUNS. It appears to be Dead Horse Ranch State Park on a clear, calm day.

Above is a photo of a possible location for NUNS. It appears to be Dead Horse Ranch State Park on a clear, calm day.

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