September 19, 2018

SIR WILLIAM HEIR TO THRONE?

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Pictured are dem bones, dem bones of King Richard III, the 15th century monarch immortalized in one Shakespeare’s greatest plays. King Richard III reigned from 1483 to 1485. He died in battle in the Battle of Bosworth Field, the final battle in the War of Roses. According the the Bard of Avon, William Shalespeare, Richard was born a deformed hunchback (in actuality, he had scoliosis) and he’s got no love life to speak of. The DNA results proving his identity, also confirmed that he may have been blond-haired and blue-eyed. If that were the case, he would be the first photo-shopped monarch.

 

by Blodwyn Smythe,
We May Not Be Royals Reporter

SEDONA: At a hastily called press conference in the parking lot of Up The Creek Grill in Page Springs, Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric greeted a flock of reporters, fans, diners and passersby, to explain why he, Sir William Randolph, may actually be the rightful King of England.

Sir William descended from his limousine with scepter in hand, crown slightly cocked on his head and a bevy of beautiful women carrying the train to his robe. “My good people. I have summoned you here to explain why I, Sir William Randolph, may actually be the rightful King of England.”

“Why did you choose this location for this hastily called press conference,” asked a new reporter from Sedona’s small, other paper.

Sir William tipped his crown and smiled. “Why for its very name, sonny, Not only is the restaurant, Up The Creek, in the capable hands of new ownership, but it well describes the current position the British Monarchy find themselves in – up the creek, and without a Y chromosome paddle.
“A while back, a crew digging up a parking lot at a church in Leicester, England, unearthed some bones that were finally confirmed to be those of King Richard III.

“According to a report in Popular Mechanics: Because Richard III has no pure male-line descendants in his family tree (his sons were violently murdered) the scientists and historians had to follow Richard III’s Y chromosome back up his family tree to the 14th century king Edward III, before tracing an all-male line down. The scientists then identified five descendants—all of whom distantly shared their closest heritage through the former 5th Duke of Beaufort, Henry Somerset, who died in 1803.

“After some genetic sleuthing, the picture became clear: somewhere in the line of the family tree that extends up from Duke Henry Somerset to Edward III and down to Richard III, a queen or heiress became pregnant through adultery and then lied about it without anybody ever knowing.”
“Whoa! Are you saying that the current Queen of England, Elizabeth II, is not the legal heir to the throne? You know it has been presented before, that Michael-Abney Hastings was actual the heir. Supposedly, he was the heir-general of George Plantagenet,” shouted someone with a phoney Downton Abbey, Season 4, accent.

Again Sir William smiled. “Sadly, even Hastings is out, as Richard III was the last Plantagenet king.

“I recently submitted my DNA sample to Ancestry.com, and, while I was also not a Y chromosome match to King Edward III, I was a match to the guy who fooled around with one of the queens. Ergo, according to Ancestry.com, I am the closest match to the throne.”

“Poppy-cock,” shouted someone with an even more atrocious fake British accent.

Disgruntled crowd members from across the road began throwing tea bags and pickled herring that they presumably brought for a tailgate snack in the direction of Sir William Randolph. Their distance and a prevailing wind caused the projectiles to fall short, landing on the windshields of passing motorists, upsetting a man on motorcycle who took a direct hit of an oily fish to the helmet. As his tires screeched, the Downton Abbey fans crammed into their Fiats and headed for the hills.

“I am more than a bit confused,’ hollered some guy. “Are you the King of England, but reigning from the colonies, or are you heading across the pond to take the throne and head up parades in Britain?”

“First and foremost, I am Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric, a title never to be disputed or challenged,” Sir William wassailed. “If I were to be hailed the rightful King of England, I would move all the good stuff here – you know, the cool parts of the Crown Estate – like the Ascot racecourse and Windsor Great Park, and the wild crustaceans of Scotland.”

“Where are you placing all these royal goodies? And what about Buckingham Palace?” shouted some Aussie.

“Well, mate, as you know the palace Buckingham is owned by the people. The queen just resides there rent free. As far as the goodies as you put it, the racecourse and park are going across from the Sedona Wastewater Reclamation Plant and I’ll donate the mussels and oysters to Page Springs Fish Hatchery.”

The masses began chanting in unison, “God Save Sir William.”

With that, Sir William gestured to the crowd and ascended into his waiting limousine.

frontpic2january2015

Above is Buckingham Palace. Luckily, the monarchy owns the water, sewer and electric companies. Talk about a royal flush.

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