March 20, 2019

Trump’s Global Warning…by Will Durst

Share

Donald Trump and global warming. Not what you would call your match made in heaven. Rather, the pairing harkens closer to the other location. That hotter destination often described as being in a more Southernly direction. The one with the pitchfork racks on the scorched walls of the foyer.

Not only does the president not believe in global warming, he thinks the exact opposite is going on. Whatever that is. He’s not really sure. But it’s definitely neither warming nor global. Could be localized. Could be cooling. Still snows in New Hampshire in the winter don’t it?

His series of climate change denials have included calling it a hoax, blaming the Chinese, saying it could turn back on its own and claiming it was nothing but a spurious plot dreamed up by Crooked Hillary to make him look bad and he would have won the popular vote if millions of illegals hadn’t flooded the polls.

He pulled out of the Paris Climate Accords, even though hundreds of US corporations lobbied to stay in. Because apparently they have access to research that seems to indicate that the extinction of the human species might adversely affect quarterly dividends. Especially in the retail sector.

In their most recent report, the UN’s Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change announced an updated strategy: learn to live with it. Remember when they said that if something wasn’t done within ten years, all hell was going to break loose? Well, that was 16 years ago. So what they’re saying now is, the basement is already full of gas, we should concentrate on lighting the fewest matches.

Then Trump’s own administration was forced to issue the 1600 page 4th National Climate Assessment, which they attempted to bury by releasing it the day after Thanksgiving. You know, that blackest of Fridays when most Americans are recovering from ingesting enough calories to stuff a wooly mammoth. Speaking of extinct species.

That report suggests that unless something is done by 2100, 10% of our GNP could disappear due to environmental deterioration. There you go. See, that’s how you reach the guy. Focus on ramifications he can understand. And losing money would certainly be one of them.

So here are some other possible items of note to help convince Mr. Trump that climate change might not be the best thing since sliced bread.

Rising ocean levels washing through Mar- A- Lago would necessitate the refurbishment of a large amount of rooms.

Increased humidity guaranteed to make his daily hair scaffolding ritual more complicated.

Might prove to be a major inconvenience for Sean Hannity.

Rudy Giuliani would dissolve into an oil slick that would dissipate and befoul beaches up and down the entire east coast.

Would definitely affect Melania’s complexion. And not necessarily in a good way.

Can almost guarantee it would interfere with the intricate electronics that allow Mike Pence to appear so lifelike.

Might prove to be a major inconvenience for Vladimir Putin.

Kellyanne Conway can’t float.

Scientists predict wars breaking out over dwindling food and water supplies and we all know how much he enjoys his snacks.

And finally, having the carts burning up from spontaneous combustion on his golf courses might negatively affect resort revenues. Because as everyone knows, you needs greens and can’t play putt on browns, Trump’s lease favorite color.

Copyright © 2018, Will Durst. Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed comedian, columnist, and former concert reviewer for the Milwaukee Bugle- American. For past columns, commentaries and a calendar of personal appearances, including the Big Fat Year End Kiss Off Comedy Show XXVI, Dec 26, 2018- Jan 6, 2019, please visit willdurst.com.

0.00 avg. rating (0% score) - 0 votes
Leave A Comment