August 18, 2018

Scientific Team Creates Synthetic Sperm…by Blodwyn Smythe

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For years, a small team of women scientists have been secretly working on the invention of synthetic sperm that could be inseminated into a woman’s fallopian tubes. As the ovulation process occurs, the spermites (as they are currently tagged by its creators) would then swim upstream on a quest to fertilize an egg.

Women have argued for decades that the primary reasons for the existence of men was to mow the lawn, open jars with stubborn lids and provide sperm for procreation. Now that riding mowers are more affordable and an electric jar lid remover has hit the market, the only redeeming value the male species offers is sperm.

In an exclusive ExcentricWorld interview with one of the scientists credited with the spermite creation, it was revealed that not only has the sperm been successfully replicated in a laboratory, but there was also a claim that each group of spermites can be genetically manipulated to affect the physical makeup of each male baby.

According to this unnamed scientist, if a woman wanted to give birth to a boy, she could request the genome combination of varying degrees of Albert Einstein, Alan Alda and a little George Clooney, as well as Denzel Washington, Deepak Chopra and Jackie Chan (for those hoping for a stuntman). The child could grow up to then donate his sperm to help to continue to populate the planet with good looking, progressive, intelligent men, eliminating the possibility of another Donald Trump, Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Bill O’Reilly or Anthony Weiner.

“For far too long, women have depended on the few minutes of pleasuring her male counterpart to experience the joy and beauty of childbirth, and then faced with the arduous task of trying to raise the child (if a boy) to be nothing like his biological father; and, if a girl, dropping to her knees to give thanks,” our visiting scientist revealed with a clear glow of accomplishment. This seemed to be her “Eureka, I have found it” Archimedes moment.

“Don’t you have a fear that everyone will be the same,” I asked with incredulity. “Heavens, no,” she responded. “All the girls will be born with a renewed sense of confidence and lack of fear that will provide them limitless opportunities and complete diversity as they explore all the possibilities that will be open to them. As far as the males go, well, we aren’t looking at eliminating the sexual orientation completely, just modifying it to better suit our needs and desires.”

“There could be some unintended consequences,” she continued. “There could be a significant drop in the consumption of alcohol, the parading around in overpriced lingerie, and the incessant stroking of her mate’s ego before, during and following a brief sexual encounter. But, women would also experience the freedom to have sex when they want, with whom they want, or not at all without the whining and begging.”

I asked if she and her scientific partners worried that there could be public maelstrom when men found out what they were up to? She smiled. “If we waited to get male approval for this project, it never would have happened. Let’s face it. Only women can be impregnated and give birth and produce life saving milk. We adhere to the demands of nature and nurture while, in many cases, the only assistance we receive from our male counterparts is their self-aggrandized, five-minute exercise of depositing their sperm inside of us, followed usually by a grunt of accomplishment. At that point, they, men, can stay to provide support to the baby they helped to create, or simply walk away. Too often, the latter is true.” She continued, “If women could choose when they want to get pregnant, knowing in advance that their child will either be a beautiful baby girl or a genetically improved boy, the world would be a better place.”

After news leaked of the scientists’ success, rumors are that politicians are scrambling to introduce legislation prohibiting the use of spermites, while male scientists are busy in Saudi Arabia working on furthering the production of female humanoid citizens.

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