October 23, 2018

Local Guy Gets National Holiday

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Pictured left is a photo of a credit card machine much like those used at most retail stores, grocery stores, warehouse stores, pharmacies and now by individuals with smart pones and tablets. The customer simply swipes their card, signs their name and awaits approval of their new purchase. Even if the cashier asks to see your card, they are usually looking to see that the name signed on the back of the card matches the name embossed on the front of the card. There is nobody checking to see that the person signing is the actual card owner. How could they? No one can read the writing on the machines anyway.


by Blodwyn Smythe,
Credit Card Crud Reporter

SEDONA, AZ: A horde of fans, reporters and onlookers gathered around the makeshift podium placedĀ  in the parking lot of El Portal of Sedona where Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric, scheduled a hastily called press conference to reveal the details behind the National Holiday to be named for him.

“I have summoned you to my hastily press conference to reveal the details behind the national holiday to be named for me,” Sir William began, shouting over the cheers of the crowd. “I just received a call confirming my day fromĀ  one of our high politicians. After the decades of service given to my city, my state, my country, my planet I am surprisingly being recognized for using someone else’s name on credit card purchases and exposing the signature nonsense prevalent in the entire credit card industry.”

“Are you saying the government is instituting a day of recognition for stealing someone’s identity,” asked a confused probationary reporter from Sedona’s small, other paper.

“Who said anything about identity theft?” Sir William responded, obviously disturbed by the reporter’s virginity. “Identity theft is a crime, child. It’s shoddy reporting like this that gives journalism a bad name. You people are so interested in the scoop that you ignore or scan over the facts. I simply made legal purchases and when it came time to sign on those germ-ridden machines with those germ-ridden wands I simply signed the name Bob Schwartz.”

You may think Sedona is the land of milk and honey, but truth be told, it is the land of Almond Milk and Organic Raw Honey.

“For the record, you went to grocery stores, department stores, pharmacies, anywhere there was one of those credit card machines and rather than sign Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric, you signed Bob Schwartz,” chimed in some confused reporter from some national magazine.

Sir William smiled. “Actually, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric is a title and not part of my signature. However, rather than pen the name on the front of the card and matching signature on the back, I offered up Bob Schwartz and it came back ‘approved.’ Keep in my that the new Secretary of the Treasury, Jack Lew, signs his name with a batch of connecting loops, so my use of Bob Schwartz is at least legible, though not my legal name.”

“So,” some guy shouted from the back of the gathering, “I am left to assume that this news about your signature made its way to some politician that now believes there should be a day named in your honor. Is that about it?”

Sir William raised a hand to his forehead to cover the sun’s glare, straining to get of glimpse of the stranger. “You must not be from here, stranger. Politicians would do anything to avoid conducting the business of the people, even naming a day after some guy who exposed the idiocy of signing credit card machines with no way of verifying the card holder is indeed the card owner.

“No problem for the credit card companies, they’ll just pass the loss on down to the consumer in interest and fees as usual for any theft or fraud they incur. If it weren’t for theft and fraud, interest rates would be about two or three percent.”

“I find that hard to believe,” hollered some guy wearing a Chase Bank baseball cap and sporting a Rolex watch.

Recognizing the naysayer as a bonafide Cayman Island investment broker, Sir William reached into his vest pocket to check the time on his Patek Phillipe gold watch recently purchased at auction at Antiquorum and lambasted the outsider. “Lost, sonny? You may think Sedona is the land of milk and honey, but truth be told, it is the land of Almond Milk and Organic Raw Honey.”

frontpic2june2013

Above is a photo of who appears to be Britney Spears. But is it really? She, in fact, could actually be Bob Schwartz.

“What’s up with the celebratory day of personal festivities?” queried a curious onlooker.

“I’m glad you asked,” Sir William responded, taking a sip from his flagon filled with a day’s supply of Bombay gin martini. The word is that Saturday, July 13th will be declared ‘Bob Schwartz Day.’ Everyone in the country will be asked to sign their credit card machine purchase ‘Bob Schwartz.’

“So, no matter what your name, whether you use Visa, AmEx, Discover, MasterCard or Diners Club, whether you’re at the grocery store, restaurant or any retail outlet, slide your card through the machine, pick up the attached magic wand and sign ‘Bob Schwartz.’

“Have a happy First Annual Bob Schwartz Day everybody.”

With that, Sir William Randolph, a.k.a. Bob Schwartz, gestured to the cheering crowd and ascended into his waiting limousine.

 

 

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