LOCAL VOWS TO END STUPID!
Pictured is a man defending his right to the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution. While no one denied his right – it was in published after all – the television station who suspended him was denied their right to freely hire and fire. Besides the “bestiality” reference; he said about blacks in the Jim Crow lynching party era, “Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues.” Makes one wonder why there isn’t a reality show called “Cotton Pickin’ Dynasty” starring a rich, singing, happy, black family from Jim Crow’s South.
by Blodwyn Smythe,
Silly, Stupid Reporter
SEDONA: A horde of reporters, onlookers and fans of Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric, gathered in the parking lot of Bell Rock Plaza, outside the office of Hospice Compassus to learn how Sir William Randolph plans to move forward with his New Year’s resolution and end stupid in 2014.
“I have summoned you all, well some of you, here to reveal my plans to move forward with my New Year’s resolution and end stupid in 2014,” he shouted to the quietly attentive crowd.
The masses burst into applause, as though they themselves never took part in or enabled stupid in their recent past. But, a further look into the most blatant acts of stupid shows that most people in the crowd are at the very least closely related to stupid.
Sir William hushed the now stirring multitude. “As a good friend of mine once said, ‘stupid is as stupid does.’ Of course, what he failed to mention was stupid is as stupid says. When I look back at things people did and said this past year, I knew it was time to vow to put an end to this incompetence.”
“Are you talking about the robber in Prescott who admitted to armed robbery and aggravated assault with a knife, was sentenced to 2.5 years in prison, followed by 5 years’ probation and sued the store owner because he shot him,” asked a reporter from Sedona’s small, other paper.
“Bingo,” Sir William said smilingly. “But it’s not limited to dumb criminals or frivolous lawsuits. There are stupid acts by corporations (they are people too, my friend.)
Take the case where McDonald’s pretty much advises their employees much the same way Mr. Scrooge would before the apparitions visitations. They said, and I quote, ‘Selling some of your unwanted possessions on eBay or Craigslist could bring in some quick cash.’ And they suggested ‘breaking food into pieces often results in eating less and still feeling full.’ Now I ask you, have you ever heard of something so stupid?”
“What about the woman who sued McDonald’s over hot their coffee,” yelled some guy.
“What about it?” Sir William snapped. “That was 1994 and she was awarded $600 thousand dollars for pain and suffering by a judge and jury. I’m talking 2013 here.”
Sir William took a breath and continued. “I’m talking about the dentist who purchased a tooth that allegedly once belonged to John Lennon, the famous musician from The Beatles. He sent it to Penn State University where scientists hope to extract the genetic code for the famous rock icon. Who exactly authenticated the identity of the tooth? The guy who sold it to him could have ripped it from his own mouth. After all, he got a whopping $30,000 for it.
“And what if the cloning experiment is successful? And what if the tooth actually came from the mouth of Yoko Ono and Lennon just carried it around with him? Could the world handle 2 Yoko Onos? I recall that it had trouble handling just one of them – and she’s still around.”
“Then there are the little things,” he pressed on, “like the U.S. Secret Service agents trying to rip off hookers in Columbia, while on the job. And the comments by some guy who makes a boat load of money from some stupid television show. He spewed some pretty hatful things, using the Bible as a crutch. Shortly after the ‘Duck Dynasty’ controversy began, Sarah Palin wrote, ‘Free speech is an endangered species. Those ‘intolerants’ hatin and taking on the Duck Dynasty patriarch for voicing his personal opinion are taking on all of us.’
“The problem is she, like most people with a positive spin on his words, hadn’t even read what he actually said. ‘I haven’t read the article. I don’t know exactly how he said it,’ Palin explained on Fox News.’ But, she defends it anyway.”
“And these are just a few of the many stupid things from 2013.”
“Just exactly how do you plan to end stupid,” asked some guy standing next to a woman wearing a shirt that read ‘I’m with stupid’ with an arrow pointing to him.
“Easy. I’m donating all my electronic devices to Sedona Recycles, the only not-for-profit full-service recycling center in the Verde Valley, along with a hefty check. They not only take away all my recyclable materials, but they do it while employing the capable hands from Rainbow Acres and from Y.E.S. The Arc. By the way, bucko, how much did you give to your recycling center this year?”
With that Sir William gestured to the crowd and ascended into his waiting limousine.
Scrooge Moneylender’s CEO. Rumor is his firm financed the first McDonald’s, writing the employee’s handbook. Bah, hamburg.
