February 25, 2024

Local Guy to Buy Hostess


Pictured above are Hostess Twinkies, whose ingredients include calcium sulfate, a food-grade equivalent of plaster of Paris. Like many other popular sweet snacks, Twinkies are made with vegetable shortening, but also add animal shortening, as well. For health nuts, Twinkies do offer soy flour, soy lecithin, soy protein isolate, ferrous sulfate, riboflavin and water. In fact, the Twinkies recipe consists of 37 ingredients. With a shelf-life of twenty years, Twinkies were the food of choice for survivalists. The tasty nosh’s possible demise comes as a relief to modern day bunker builders planning for the New World Order takeover on December 21st, who bought up the remaining batches.

by Blodwyn Smythe,
Ding Dong, Ho Ho Reporter

SEDONA, AZ. –¬†Gathered around a fountain in the beautiful shopping village of Tlaquepaque, in Sedona, were a cadre of reporters, shoppers and onlookers pausing to take in every word offered by Sir William Randolph, World Famous Publisher of the Sedona Excentric. He hastily called a press conference to quell the upcoming rumors about his intent to purchase the one-time snack giant, Hostess.

“I have hastily called this press conference to quell the upcoming rumors about my intent to purchase the one-time snack giant, Hostess,” he announced to the obviously anxious, but polite crowd. “You know how things happen in Sedona. Someone says this and it gets turned into that and it becomes something else altogether. Well, to avoid any potential controversial statements about my bid on Hostess, I wanted you hear hear it directly from me and not your busy-body next door neighbor. You know who I’m talking about.”

“So, it’s true then, you are buying Hostess,” piped up some new reporter from Sedona’s small, other paper.

“See? That’s what I’m talking about. All I’ve told you is that I am here to tell you something and you are ready to print and spread around what you think I am going to say before I say it,” cautioned Sir William sternly. “One can’t just go around buying up major corporations with thousands of employees without negotiating.”

Sir William tapped one of his associates. She then produced a white board and marker, handing them to another associate to demonstrate Sir William’s negotiating strategy. “Sheila will map out a chart depicting the systematic plan of action, from stock options to demographics to advertising (the bulk of which would be done, of course, in the Sedona Excentric and online at ExcentricWorld.com). We even see the need to consider Twinkie the Kid and his family of memorabilia.”

“Okay, so then you are seriously considering buy Hostess,” the reporter followed up.

“You’re a fast learner, sonny,”complimented Sir William. “I, and many others, are making an offer to Hostess to save their myriad sweet snacks and consider the future of Wonder Bread. I know they say it helps build strong bodies in a bunch of ways, but it’s popularity is declining rapidly.”

“What do you think happened to Hostess?” asked some magazine reporter. Do you think it’s end was really due to employee unions?”

Sir William smiled. “As far back as I can recall, no employee union has ever put a successful corporation out of business. They may have cost a board member a yacht or corporate jet, but never shuttered a business. Look, I believe you have a right to work, like in Arizona, but you should have right to collective bargaining without being labeled a socialist.”

“So what caused the demise of Hostess?” pressed the reporter.

Sir William’s smile broadened. “I hear it was a smear campaign brought on by a conspiracy between Little Debbie, Mr. Freshley’s and R. D. Oskins, all companies who produced a similar product to Twinkies. Little Debbie has their Cloud Nine, Mr. Freshley’s Golden Cream Cakes and R. D. Oskins makes Golden Finger Cake. They are all conspicuous clones of the Hostess Twinkie. These Hostess competitors also make chocolate cupcakes, et al.”

A polite shopper raised her hand and asked, “Do you really think it was a conspiracy, or are you just being your eccentric self?”

“Aren’t you clever,” he replied. “Actually, I think it is simply due to mismanagement. After all, they didn’t spend one dollar advertising with me. If you think you can just hang out your shingle on your door and expect customers to flock to your business, you are doomed to fail.”

“Who are you bidding against for the Hostess takeover?” asked some guy.

“Spoken like a true daytime trader,” Sir William laughed. “I heard The Donald was in the hunt. The only reason I see Trump getting into the fray is to add another notch to his belt, which, if he continues to eat Twinkies, Ding Dongs and Ho Hos, will need a couple of notches. Maybe he thinks these ingredients grow hair. Anyway, since the election, even fewer people are lending his words or actions any credibility.

Above is a Twinkie The Kid lunch box. This collectible may now be worth $8. The old sandwich found inside, not so much.

“And,” Sir William continued. “In anticipation of your next question, Bane Capital is not one of the corporate raiders in the mix. It seems people in Thailand, China and India refuse to touch some of the ingredients due to fear of working with calcium sulfate in China, and in Thailand and India, for religious reasons.”

“Headquartered in Irving Texas, it is rumored that Hostess was going to close because Texas was working on secession from the Union. Any truth to that rumor?” asked some other guy.

“Look,” Sir William’s eyes seemed to glaze over, “Hostess was managed by idiots, not nut jobs. Anyone who says they want to secede from the Union is a nut job. Most of the states with these nut jobs as residents get more money from the feds than they produce.”

“What’s the logic behind your bid to purchase Hostess?” the guy continued.

Sir William smiled his biggest smile of the day. “With 18 states in America having approved medical marijuana prescriptions and with the states of Colorado and Washington approving personal marijuana usage, with many states to follow in the near future, the timing couldn’t be better to take over a sweet snack company.”

With that, he gestured to the now hungry crowd and ascended into his waiting limousine.

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