INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman
GOING POSTAL NEWS: Police say a man and a woman were going through mailboxes around the town of Sammamish, WA. Townspeople saw the thieve’s vehicle filled with mail and blocked the road. The couple ran. The woman was caught immediately, them stealing a kayak to make his escape in a pond. A neighbor grabbed his own kayak and paddled after the thief, who was up the pond without a paddle and rowing with his hands. MONKEY BUSINESS NEWS: An injured monkey had fallen between the tracks, after touching high-tension wires at the train station in the north Indian city…
Curmudgeon Corner…
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: REALITY “Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.” Albert Einstein “Reality is a question of perspective; the further you get from the past, the more concrete and plausible it seems—but as you approach the present, it inevitably seems incredible.” Salman Rushdie “It is sometimes an appropriate response to reality to…
The Andalusian Horse . . . by Joel Mann, Staff Wine (And Beer) Tasting Guy
The image that comes to mind for many Americans when you say Madeira, Marsala, or Sherry is a bottle of cheap, sweet wine tucked away in a corner of the liquor department that you buy for occasional use when mushrooms, chicken, or some other such food needs a sauce or marinade. Each of these wines though is a distinct beverage with a traditional home. Each has a pedigree from the everyday to the elegant premium. The wine I want to examine this month is Sherry, a fortified beverage from Andalusian Spain. The word Sherry is actually the anglicized version of…
Another Big Picture…
The Sedona Excentric Task Force takes a look at the ramifications of the recent legalization of growing pot in some states of the United States and some isolated cities around the world. Not impressed by the news, this group of pot growers has been gathering in their courtyard as long as they can remember. While they have yet to dry and smoke any of their many horticultural products, they all seem suspiciously mellow. Perhaps the pot plants they grow emit a euphoric pheromone causing one to be naturally laid back, but this group of growers can sit and stare at…
No News from Doodlebug Island . . . by William F. Jordan
Those of us who edit newspapers in the Sedona area meet several times each year, not so much to form editorial bonds as to reassure ourselves that what we’re doing is important to a free and democratic society, and that journalistic triage is available should the wounds of battle prove amenable. Naturally, there is an abundance of kidding. At the last meeting, for example, someone brought up the question of complaints, saying his reason for doing so was to laud the manner in which Charlie Huffington, editor of the Sedona Whisper, deals with them. Now, complaints are the bane of…
Typical Excentric Reader…
This month’s typical Excentric Readers are, from left to right, Nancy Welbaum, Amy Gray and Rita Rusch (The Party Sisters), with cousins Joellen and T.C. Brown. They are shown reading copies of their favorite paper, namely the Sedona Excentric, while working at this year’s Festival of the Superstitions in Apache Junction, AZ. Judging by the way each is posed with their copy, T.C. seems to be the most literate among them, as he realizes that with satire, you must read between the lines. Thanks, Rita. Related posts: Typical Excentric Reader Typical Excentric Reader Excentric Reader Rita Rusch Typical Excentric Reader
Astrology For The Weak…
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) The wind may not be filling your sails as much as you’d like this month. Luckily, you are known as a blow-hard and can easily make up for the lacking breeze. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Saturn edges into Sagittarius again this month, where it might prompt you to take a class. Be sure to enroll in “How to stop Saturn from edging into Sagittarius.” PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Your secret ambition to rule your world is becoming a much more attainable goal than you might have thought at first. Just…
Frankly Fanny by Herself
Dear Frankly: I am a very giving person. I enjoy helping others and seeing the smiles on their faces. I have a boyfriend that I feel is taking advantage of my generosity. He recently asked me to walk his dog while he went to a party without me. He then called later to ask me to let him out again that night, as he was running late. Then he asked me to watch him for a couple of days while he went out of town. I really like this guy, but think I am being used. Should I stay with…
Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality
A STRETCH The evolution scientists Are tracking a new trend: Our arms, for eons quite unchanged, Have started to extend! The evolutionary leap Began ten years ago– Has escalated ever since, Producing cries of woe From manufacturers of shirts And sweaters, coats and stuff, Who say the sleeves of last year’s clothes Are never long enough! This puzzling phenomenon Caused scientists great pain Until I stepped into the light,Quite eager to explain: Our butts have grown much broader with Each smart phone upgrade bought, Requiring longer arms to take That wider selfie shot! Related posts: Minister of Reality, Doug “Rabbit”…
Kozmik Korner by Lush Gumball
Q: I’ve been reading story after story of people who claim to be visited by one dead relative or another around Christmas. Some have seen them sitting in armchairs, some heard angelic singing, others just felt their presence, and still others got mysterious phone calls. Charles Dickens set the stage for spiritual visitation with “A Christmas Carol.” Scrooge was visited by ghosts of Christmas past, present and future, but none were related to him. Is Christmas the most popular time of ghostly visitations? A: It would seem it is if your name is Ebenezer Scrooge. Q: I found an…
Big Picture Page
It’s deja-vu all over again. History has a way of repeating itself. Take the recent case of a raving lunatic tyrant in North Korea losing it over a satirical movie, “The Interview,” with a plot of assassination. Sure, Sony could have used a fictitious character from a fictitious land, but even with their poor taste in judgement, the target of their cinematic event should maintain the sense of humor. Once, long ago, a chap named Charlie Chaplin wrote, starred in, scored produced and directed called “The Great Dictator.” Before its release and before Germany and Britain were at war, the…
Bombarded By Junk . . . By Bishop, Excentric Dumpster Devil
We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves —-Goethe All sorts of records are being set these days in sports, in finance, and for endless flatulent political bum fog. However, one record being set this year, as Christmas fades into memories is nothing to be amused at. Each of us will have received almost 560 pieces of junk mail out of 38 billion sent, and an average of 54 catalogues out of 14 billion mailed (an average of 54 per American) and 38 billion pieces of junk mail, and I bet you even receive more! Altogether, that’s 4.5 million tons of…
So, You Know Your Nuts? . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian
Well, they’re finally gone! It took three days of round-the-clock work, two front-end loaders and numerous dump truck loads to get rid of the stupid things! What, you might ask, did I get rid of? Nutshells. That’s right – nutshells. You see, around the holidays, my wife gets a bit nutty. She comes home from the store with huge bags of walnuts, Brazil nuts, filberts, pecans, and almonds. She sets up her “nutting” area with the precision of a surgical nurse laying out instruments for a brain transplant – main nutcracker here, secondary nutcrackers there, nut picks over here, the…
That Really Bunches My Panties . . . by Brendon Marks
A friend showed me a message printed near the bottom edge on the back of a record album jacket: “This Columbia GUARANTEED HIGH FIDELITY recording is scientifically designed to play with the highest quality of reproduction on the phonograph of your choice, new or old. If you are the owner of a new stereophonic system, this record will play with even more brilliant true-to-life fidelity. In short, you can purchase this record with no fear of its becoming obsolete in the future.” I’d like to speak to someone about that. I will admit that at one time you might have…
Automotive Breakdown . . . by Denny Mandeville
ATTENTION PEOPLE! There is NO “MACHINE” that can be hooked up, connected to, or plugged into your car and tell “what is wrong with it”. Sorry, but NO ONE has been able to design, manufacture, or (more importantly) economically market such a device. This idea seemed to have come about in the late 1980s when OBD I (On-board Diagnostics, version 1) was introduced and the car dealers spent marketing money in an attempt to tout the new emissions laws and put them in favorable light, aided and abetted by the Feds. Unfortunately, while it was an important step in the…
Let It Snow . . .
Winter brings the beauty of snow in many parts of the country. Some people deal with it better than others. While it makes traveling challenging, it brings out the kid in all of us. Fond memories on building snow caves and forts for snowball fights, sledding, skiing, sledding and horse drawn sleighs and making snow angels with our arms and legs. Children everywhere still hope for enough snow to close the schools. Many adults have a different take on the white, wet wonder. Faced with having to drive to work or shovel the driveway and sidewalks to avoid taking a…
An Excentric Look into The Future . . .
In February, our staff takes a look at odd Valentine’s Day rituals in the deep south of the United States. A couple exchanges their vows in swamp land, the bride carrying a small bouquet of Spanish moss, the groom in his finest chapeau. As one can easily discern from the photograph, everyone on the groom’s side of the family came dressed for the occasion. The gown? Louis Gator. Related posts: An Excentric Look Into The Future . . . An Excentric Look Into The Future Excentric Look Into The Future… Excentric Look into The Future
SIR WILLIAM HEIR TO THRONE?
Pictured are dem bones, dem bones of King Richard III, the 15th century monarch immortalized in one Shakespeare’s greatest plays. King Richard III reigned from 1483 to 1485. He died in battle in the Battle of Bosworth Field, the final battle in the War of Roses. According the the Bard of Avon, William Shalespeare, Richard was born a deformed hunchback (in actuality, he had scoliosis) and he’s got no love life to speak of. The DNA results proving his identity, also confirmed that he may have been blond-haired and blue-eyed. If that were the case, he would be the first…
