Horoscopes for August 31-September 6, 2014
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) People will talk out of the sides of their mouths this month and your communication skills will be tested. Fortunately, for you, you speak fluent jibberish. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) This month, try to avoid signing or agreeing to anything, and things will turn out all right, like those traffic tickets or divorce papers or prenuptial agreement. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Love and kisses and romance and more love and more kisses and more romance and more and more and more love and kisses and romance. Too bad you’re alone….
Cheap Halloween
In October, Excentric staff members take a look at people who celebrate Halloween without spending money on costumes or masks. In today’s economy people are finding many ways to cut back. Some are cooking at home more often, no matter how bad the food tastes, while others have reduced the amount of cash they normally would lay out for various non-essentials. This lovely woman is a perfect example of someone looking to save their hard earnings for something other than a disguise for All Hallows Eve. It appears she is going for the local Chupa Cabra look alike. With her…
Horoscopes for August 17-23, 2014
ARIES (March 21 – April 19) You will begin channeling in ancient Sumerian. At first people will be impressed. But soon a translator reveals you’ve been channeling a really bad stoned comedian. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) You will try to avoid contact with people this month. After exhausting every hiding place, you’ll choose a closet in the Capital, but will find it full of politicians. GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) You will be dogged by a couple on a scooter all month. Finally, you’ll stop and ask them to stop. Instead, they will become the first in your flock of faithful…
INSIDE THE NEWS by David Fidelman
BAD AFLAC NEWS: A New Hampshire woman who called police after stopping in a highway median to help some stranded ducklings plans to fight a $44 ticket. The only reason the police showed up was because the woman called them after braking to avoid killing the ducks. The mother and many ducklings had been run over and lay dead on the highway. Hopefully, this cop doesn’t have any animals at home. WRONG DOOR NEWS: Police say a man who fled from a Mississippi traffic stop was apparently so focused on getting away he unknowingly ran into a law enforcement academy….
Curmudgeon Corner
cur-mudg-eon (cur-muj’un), n. [origin unknown] 1. archaic: a crusty, ill-tempered, churlish old man. 2. modern: anyone who hates hypocrisy and pretense and has the temerity to say so; anyone with the habit of pointing out unpleasant facts in an engaging and humorous manner. This month’s subject: HONESTY “I hold the maxim no less applicable to public than to private affairs, that honesty is the best policy.” George Washington “Honest people don’t hide their deeds.” Emily Bronte “Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise.” Sigmund Freud “The truth is never dangerous. Except when told.” Philip Moeller “An honest man…
Having A Kegger . . .With Cabernet . . . by Joel Mann, Staff Wine (And Beer) Tasting Guy
Packaging decisions are one of the major issues that wineries and winemakers deal with in their business planning cycles. Choosing bottles, getting labels approved, deciding what type of cork to use, or even going with a twist-top closure are all factors that must be weighed and considered. Packing choices have evolved over time as well. Winemakers can forgo bottles for bag-in-a-box casks, can go with specialty cardboard boxes called tetra paks similar to milk and juice containers, or even decide to package their wine in cans such as Sophia from Coppola. One packaging format seeing a revival as wineries compete…
Someone Please Send Me A Sign . . .
Any wonder people are confused when it comes to trusting signs? Whether it’s placed by a state, federal or local agency, it is a job often going to the lowest bidder and rarely supervised by the group writing the check. Rather than remove the red sign pictured below, the town who had a change of council that decided it was wrong to prohibit pets from being allowed in front of their offices, instead submitted a new contract for a sign permitting pets as long as they were leashed. The road sign is a bit more confusing. While directing drivers to…
Big Picture Page
The Sedona Excentric Task Force captures a moment. Upon realizing he had just signed away the opportunity for another championship NBA title, Lebron James says goodbye to Miami, Florida and hello to Cleveland, Ohio – again. While he is going home to the Cavaliers, people who thought he was part of their Florida family are beyond shocked and dismayed. One man who painted a mural of James and the other Heat players covered up James’ face in anger. Some thought this photo was taken when James won his first championship ring. Others believe the photo was taken after he read…
ASTROLOGY FOR THE WEAK
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) When it comes to love, you are letting your brain do too much of the driving. You could let your heart take the wheel, but, sadly, it only has a learner’s permit. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) You will be emotionally damaged and even require special attention when you finally look a gift horse in the mouth and the gift horse proceeds to bite your face. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) This month, you will experience conflict when Uranus enters some kind of retrograde usually devoted to Mercury. Whatever you do, avoid…
Doug “Rabbit” Sutherland, Minister of Reality
GLUTEN DEPENDENCY I’ve taken up the mantle in Defense of noble wheat Which, at the hands of gluten, may Face ultimate defeat! Although I’ve suffered bloating and Fatigue and canker sores, Joint pain and diarrhea and Bad dreams and gagging snores And changes in behavior and Small fractures of my head And bulky stools and rashes when I glimpse a crumb of bread, And know that these are symptoms in “The Celiac Checklist Of Glutenesque Intolerance,” But, still, I must resist, For in my fluffy, rising soul I am a gluten…
The Truth Behind Contrails
The Sedona Excentric crack staff members take a look at the heretofore unexplained increase in contrails in the skies above the Verde Valley. Our crack staff members sat perched high in a tree for weeks, descending only to eat and use the potty. Our people were armed with really long straws, hoping to catch super-sonic jets in action spewing toxic artificial vapor clouds to be tested by experts to discern their chemical content. In the late 1990s, theories cropped up about the government spraying chemicals in to the atmosphere for a variety of reasons.Some believed they were attempting to control…
Horoscopes for April 6-12, 2014
ARIES (Aprch 21 – April 19) Closed-door meetings may seem intimidating, but they aren’t always about you. Also, just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean you’re not being followed. TAURUS (April 20 – May 20) In April, the rising of the new moon could very well bring you a new partner, possibly making your old partner flash you with a new moon. Yikes! GEMINI (May 21 -June 20) This month, the bright light of the Sun shines on your house of dreams, revealing what were once private thoughts. Everyone will then know you’re a kinky weirdo. CANCER (June 21 – July…
Darwin Awards . . . Stored in the Archives
Ten examples of some of the dumbest criminals. All of them were American citizens. Go figure. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked….. The chef at a Swiss hotel lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting, negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the…
Treasure Reserves Discovered . . . By Bishop, Special Excentric Buccaneer
Gentle readers perhaps you have heard the tale about the two fishes arguing about the existence of the ocean first told to me by Dr. Blanton amidst a seminar at the Pink Nectar Café on the outskirts of town. Seems that two fish were arguing about the existence of the ocean. The first fish says, “it is all around you. You are surrounded by it. You have lived in the water all your life.” Demands the second fish, “show me! Prove it. Where is this ocean?” Where are lot things, gentle reader, which we can’t see even though it can…
Let’s Have An Adventure . . . by Joseph G. Evrard, Staff Kentuckian
Do you like adventures? Good! So do I. Today’s column is going to be an adventure. I’m going to sit at the keyboard and start typing. I have no idea where we’ll end up! Ready? Here we go. Happy Fourth of July! Yes, I know the Fourth of July is long gone, but I’m writing this on the Fourth of July, so it seems appropriate to at least say something by way of greeting. Did you know that the Fourth of July is a legal holiday? Just in case you’ve never done it before, stop and think just what that…
That Really Bunches My Panties . . . by Brendon Marks
A friend rides a bicycle for exercise. Without making any remarks about his level of wimpiness or about his sitting on a pipe and pedaling like heck just to give his butt a ride, I’ll relate the reason for bringing this up. He was telling me about a runner in his neighborhood who was out every day, knees bandaged, and in obvious pain, sometimes only shuffling along to complete his regimen. He was so impressed by the determination of this runner that he admitted that it was the only time that he doesn’t berate the runner for using the street…
Automotive Beakdown by Denny Mandeville
The other day a few auto centered terms came up that would only be understood by those of a certain age- those common terms that have just quietly slipped away. Fender Skirts, and the ultimate skirt; the Cruiser Skirt. You may know of, or had, fender skirts, but the real test is “Cruiser Skirt”. Give up, or don’t know? They were an extra long skirt that went to the rear bumper giving the area behind the rear tire that lowered, ‘slip-stream’ look. They went along with glass packs and fox tails hung from the rear mount antenna for the AM…
Scotch With Water
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotchwith two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says ‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.’ The bartender says ‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’ As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says ‘I would like to buy you a drink, too.’ The old woman says ‘Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’ ‘Coming up’ says the…
Horoscopes for August 3-9, 2014
CAPRICORN (January 19 – February 16) This month, try to avoid signing or agreeing to anything, and things will turn out all right, like those traffic tickets or divorce papers or prenuptial agreement. AQUARIUS (February 16 – March 11) Love and kisses and romance and more love and more kisses and more romance and more and more and more love and kisses and romance. Too bad you’re alone. PISCES (March 20 – April 18) Some call you childlike, and on a month like this it’s hard to deny. It’s so hot you’ll dig a big hole in your yard, strap…
Excentric Look Into The Future…
In September, our staff takes a look at the luck of the Irish. Find a 4-leaf clover and enjoy good luck and prosperity forever. For even better luck, kiss the blarney stone or catch a leprechaun. For the best luck of all, find the pot o’ gold at the end of a rainbow. Just remember, that more often than not, the pot will contain something not quite as valuable as gold. Whatever you do, don’t kiss it. Related posts: Excentric Look into The Future Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The Future An Excentric Look Into The…
